Nickname: The Rolling Ball of Butcher Knives

Height: 6′1″

Weight: 242 lbs.

Reach: That nickname (bestowed upon him by Brad Childress)

Sponsor: Under Armor

Ring Music: Boom

Hometown: Bruceton, Tennessee, the home of literally dozens of other people.

Pedigree: Patrick had the kind of tragic childhood that we’ve seen from countless boxers over the years. The Peterson brothers are a great example of how boxing can help young men learn proper focus and discipline in the wake of tragedy.

Strength(s): Seeking. Destroying.

Weakness: Fudge

Predilection towards violence: Paternal neglect oftentimes results in pent up aggression.

Fighting Style: Willis is a whirling dervish in the ring. He’s going to throw punches, and if you’re too crazy/slow to stay out of his way you’re gonna have a bad day.

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Competitor (seed): D’Brickashaw Ferguson (2)

Nickname: Brick

Height: 6′6″

Weight: 312

Reach: He has a wingspan of 7′3″

Sponsor: Freemasonry

Ring Music: Brick House

Hometown: Freeport, New York. It’s also birthplace of IFL welterweight champion Jay Hieron, legendary Jew Dick Schaap, and a notable heroin enthusiast.

Pedigree: Teddy Atlas joined the Jets as a conditioning coach a year after D’Brick came into the league. Max Boxing recently spoke to the former trainer about the dearth of American heavyweights and the popular theory that they’re all playing other pro sports. Said Atlas, “I see some of these guys I work with and if they had started early enough, some of them could be good prospects to be fighters, especially as it turns out to be the big guys, heavyweights.” Something tells me he wasn’t talking about Chad Pennington’s fairy ass.

Strength: He has the combination of size and athleticism that is incredibly rare in the heavyweight division these days.

Weakness: He was named after the priest from The Thorn Birds, and his degree in religious studies means that his head is probably filled with all that Buddhist inner-peace horse shit.

Predilection towards violence: D’Brick is well versed in the martial arts, earning a black belt in shotokan karate as well as a brown belt in taekwondo. So show him some respect or prepare to face the Touch of Death.

Fighting Style: D’Brick is perfectly at home in the ring, standing tall to maintain his height advantage while moving around the ring with an effortless grace. Oh, and he also beats the shit out of people with his fists if they get too close.

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Nickname: Tommy Z (think about it…)

Height: 5′11″

Weight: 215

Reach: Taken by the Ravens in the third round.

Sponsor: Affliction

Ring Music: Notre Dame Victory March

Hometown: Arlington Heights, Illinois. It’s also been called home by a deaf chick, a couple of soccer players, a YouTube guy, and a dickhole (actually the deaf chick called it something more like “ho-am”).

Pedigree: He’s actually a real boxer.

Strength: He’s one of those rare white athletes that doesn’t require qualifiers like “scrappy” or “gritty”.

Weakness: Football

Predilection towards violence:

Fighting Style: Tommy would prefer to work his way inside against the larger boxers in the heavyweight division. He can land looping and lunging power shots from the outside, but if he stays on the end of his opponents punches he’s going to find himself in a lot of trouble. Since he’s a Notre Dame product he already fights like a champion today, or so he likes to think.

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Competitor (seed): Mike Sellers (5)

Nickname: Caveman/Tank

Height: 6′3″

Weight: 284

Reach: Expansive

Sponsor: Smoot Smack

Ring Music: Move Bitch

Birthplace: Frankfurt, Germany

Hometown: Walla Walla, Washington

Pedigree: Sellers was a multi-sport star in high school but he didn’t bother taking the SAT because he’s just that fucking awesome. His pro career began at the age of 19.

Strength: Intimidating scowl.

Weakness: Time spent in Canada might have made him overly friendly.

Predilection towards violence: He enjoys pummeling the occasional safety.

Fighting Style: Sellers is a warrior who can take punishment as well as he can dole it out. He isn’t afraid to trade shots, knowing that he’ll be the man standing when the bell rings.

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Competitor (seed): Mario Williams (8)

Nickname: Super

Height: 6′7″

Weight: 291

Reach: Lenny Pasquarelli still thinks so.

Sponsor: Hennessey Performance Engineering and Israel Military Industries.

Ring Music: I Luv Your Girl

Birthplace: Richlands, NC. Home to absolutely nobody.

Pedigree: None.

Strength: An explosive combination of speed, power, and Italian craftsmanship.

Weakness: Always trying to go too fast.

Predilection towards violence: Only towards targets, and they’re just begging for it.

Fighting Style: Mario likes to keep his opponent at a distance, lulling him to sleep before attacking with a flurry of clubbing shots.
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Competitor: Shawne Merriman

Nickname: “Lights Out”

Height: 6′4″

Weight: 272 (est. ring weight: 260)

Reach: Lengthy

Sponsor: MET-Rx

Hometown: Upper Marlboro, MD. The DC area has produced such fighters as Sugar Ray Leonard, Winky Wright, and most recently, the Patterson brothers (Anthony fights tomorrow night on Versus).

Fighting Pedigree: Last night his uncle Henry “Sugar Poo” Buchanan knocked some chump through the ropes with an uppercut at the Playboy Mansion on ESPN. Merriman could be seen in the ring during the post-fight celebration, which was pretty stupid. That house is filled with bitches needin’ some dick. He also trains in a boxing gym in the offseason to keep himself in shape.

Strength: Knocking people unconscious.

Weakness: The boxing world, while flawed, is much less forgiving when it comes to steroid use. Although I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually need them. He was probably just trying to shrink his balls. Trust me, lugging around giant balls is like having an albatross hanging from your neck. Only they’re your balls.

Predilection towards violence: Rape?

Fighting Style: The classic action fighter, Merriman will come at his opponent with plenty of power and zero restraint. He will smother weaker opponents (see below), but he’s fully capable of fighting at a distance. He possesses a dominating jab and a devastating overhand right.

Competitor: Jeremy Shockey

Nickname: Shock Man!

Height: 6′5″

Weight:251 (est. ring weight: 248)

Reach:Tara Reid.

Sponsor: Affliction.

Hometown: Ada, Oklahoma. It was once the home of Shockey’s best friend Mark Gastineau, formerly of the New York Sack Exchange. Gastineau also pursued a “career” in boxing, and a similarly successful career in wife beating.

Pedigree: Afghan.

Strength: Taking shots to the head.

Weakness: It’s almost like he wants people to hit him.

Predilection towards violence: Lets his boys take care of approaching assholes.

Fighting Style: The first time he gets hit he’ll swarm the opponent with looping cuffed punches that glance away harmlessly. The second time he gets hit he’ll go down for 1-2 weeks. Shockey’s best punch is the accidental head butt which he often pairs with a wild elbow.