Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to the CNN/Tea Party Republican Party Presidential Debate. I’m your host, Wolf Blitzer, and before we start this evening, I’d like to introduce you to our candidates. First, we have Texas governor Rick Perry.

Perry: Hello. (executes six innocent black prisoners) Glad to be here.

Blitzer: And former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

Romney: (says nothing, lest any slip-up causes his fundraising cash to dry up)

Blitzer: And Alan Keyes!

Herman Cain: I’m Herman Cain.

Blitzer: Oh, right. And Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann.

Bachmann: Hello! (keeps gun inside her vagina)

Blitzer: And Ron Paul.

Paul: These debates are a waste of money. As is this podium.

Blitzer: And I won’t bother introducing Newt Gingrich because he died five weeks ago. Now, I’d like to start off the debate with a question for Mr. Romney.

Romney: (shakes head vigorously)

Blitzer: You don’t want to talk? Are you sure? We’re on live television.

Romney: (nods vigorously)

Blitzer: Okay. Well then, the first question will be for you, Congressman Paul. You have spoken out many times against any government interference in the health care industry. Recently, a man died of a toothache because he lacked proper medical insurance. If you had a loved one who was sick but couldn’t afford insurance, do you think it’s right for the government to let them potentially die as a result?

(door flies open)

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Dungy: For the past few years, I have seen my beloved NFL become overrun with loudmouth coaches and deranged hooligans with no semblance of respect for authority of Jesus. It is travesty, I tell you. What was once a league of QUIET STRENGTH has now succumbed to our worst secular impulses: selfishness, greediness, look-at-meism! I won’t tolerate it any longer. I will not sit idly by while that disgusting REX RYAN and his band of foul-mouthed cretins sully the inherent Godliness of our most American sport! That’s why I called on you. I know you understand where I’m coming from. I feel like we can see eye-to-eye. You and me, we understand each other, do we not?

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Earlier today, ESPN ran a column from Toure wondering what it would be like if Mike Vick were white. But since Toure was apparently too much of a pussy to actually play the scenario out, allow us to do the job for him.

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Eric Weddle: Hey guys. Just wanted to make sure you know I’m a free agent and all. I understand this has been a hectic time for everybody with the lockout ending. But this is something that should probably get done sooner or later. Just my two cents. Anyway, my stance is that I could stand to stick around. Or not. I could go. Cool with that, too. But if I had to choose, I’d say… leaning toward staying. Maybe. For the right price, of course.

A.J. Smith: Oh, of course, Eric. We’re on top of that one, believe you me. And here’s the thing – we’re not interested in beating around the bush. No splitting hairs, no haggling, no nothing. We just want to get this deal done and have you on the field, ASAP. So let’s get down to brass tacks – what are your feelings about signing for Way, Way Too Much Money?

Eric Weddle: Hmm. As one of the premier middle-of-the-pack safeties in the league, I’m not so sure Way, Way Too Much Money is higher than what I could command on the open market. We’re talking six interceptions in four NFL seasons, here. You remember what Dan Snyder paid Adam Archuleta? The demand for white safeties is out of control. And I plan to reap the benefits.

A.J. Smith: I hear ya, Eric. Like I said, we’re not worrying about complex mumbo-jumbo like cap planning or any of that hoo-ha. Let’s leave that to the stuff-shirt guys in some of those other franchises. That’s not how we do business around here. We just want you around, for whatever it takes. So I’ll tell you what: double it. Take that figure I just gave you and multiply it by two.

Eric Weddle: [Does math]

Oh yeah. That looks much better.

A.J. Smith: I thought it might.

Eric Weddle: All right. Great! Let’s draw this thing up. I’m ready to sign.

A.J. Smith: Whoa whoa whoa. Slow down there, skip. I’m as eager as you are, but we gotta do this thing right. You didn’t even give me a chance to tag on the $19 million guaranteed.

Eric Weddle: Good call. That would have been a mistake.

A.J. Smith: We all square now? You sure there isn’t an ownership stake I could throw in there?

Eric Weddle: Hmmm. We could probably revisit that when I want to renegotiate next off-season.

A.J. Smith: That’s why we love you here, Eric.

[Contract signed and announced to media]

[Tweetdeck flies open]

A.J. Smith: Interesting factoid. Ah well.

[Door flies open]

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Reverend: And do you, Antonio Romiro Romo, take this woman, Candice Crawford, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Romo: (beaming) I do.

Reverend: Do you promise to love her, and cherish her, and support her; in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, all the days of your life?

Romo: I do.

Reverend: Then by the power vested in me by the great state of Texas, and as long as no one here has any objecti…

(church door flies open)

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When we last left National Sportswriter of the Year Peter King, he was giving us his unbiased biased opinion of Cris Collinsworth’s possibly insightful (or maybe not) thoughts on the lockout and making baseless speculations based off of radio interviews that never happened.

So what of this week? Is climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro like a football game? Is Ray Lewis the foremost expert on the NFL’s new crime wave? And for God’s sake, can we get a little nutmeg in here? POSSIBLY. Read on…

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The end of May marks what’s known as the upfront season in television, when the major networks announce their fall schedules in hopes of luring big advertising money. But this year’s upfront meeting for ABC was marred by the presence of an unknown intruder. Luckily, we have obtained a transcript of said fracas.

ABC Exec: This is a really strong schedule guys.

ABC Exec #2: I agree. We’ve got Bonnie Hunt starring in a new sitcom.

ABC Exec: And who doesn’t love Bonnie Hunt?

ABC Exec #2: And I love this new David E. Kelley series about gay lawyers who run their own pawn shop.

ABC Exec: I think that might finally be the right vehicle for Blair Underwood.

ABC Exec #2: I agree. And merging “The Bachelor” and “American Idol” into one show where single women sing for the right to be married to a record producer? GENIUS.

ABC Exec: GENIUS.

ABC Exec #2: I think we’re on our way back.

ABC Exec: I do too.

ABC Exec #2: Say, do you smell something?

ABC Exec: I do. Smells like stale beer and lobster shells.

(door flies open)

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By now, you know many of the details behind Navy SEAL Team Six’s incredible raid of Osama bin Laden’s compound, a raid that ended with the world’s most wanted man dead and an entire terrorist network badly crippled. But you may not know about what went on the night before the raid, as Team Six gathered to make their final preparations just before heading off to Pakistan the following evening to carry out their daring mission. We were able to recover a transcript of that night’s events, and we present it to you now, in its entirety.

(Saturday, April 30th, 2011: An undisclosed location inside Afghanistan)

Anonymous Team Six Member: Oh wow, man! This is it, man. Osama bin Laden himself. We’re about to take down the freakin’ big cheese, brother.

Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Yup.

Anonymous Team Six Member: You think we can pull it off?

Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Damn straight.

Anonymous Team Six Member: I mean, we don’t really know what’s waiting for us in that compound. There could be booby traps.

Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Could be.

Anonymous Team Six Member: And land mines.

Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Could be.

Anonymous Team Six Member: Or even a swinging gate of crudely whittled wooden spikes! You know, like the one Rambo made?

Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Could be.

Anonymous Team Six Member: Hell of a thing to think about. Think the Bossman has a good plan?

Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Wouldn’t be doin’ this if he didn’t.

Anonymous Team Six Member: I hear him coming now!

(door flies open)

Anonymous Team Six Leader: Evening, gentlemen.

Everyone: Good evening, sir.

Anonymous Team Six Leader: As you were. You gentlemen know your marks by now, I reckon. You’ve spent months being drilled for every possible endgame scenario. You’ve been trained your whole life for this very moment. Choppers leave base tomorrow night at 2200 hours, and I know that’s a bit of a wait for you boys. I know you’re as excited for this mission as I am. Not much more preparation we can do here, except…

Anonymous Team Six Member: Sir?

Anonymous Team Six Leader: Well see, you men are professionals. I don’t need to get you motivated for this thing. And you know you don’t need it either. But what the hell, it’s kinda fun to get psyched for it anyway, isn’t it? That’s why I asked someone very special to come in this evening and talk to your men about what you’re about to do for your country.

Anonymous Team Six Member: Who?

(door flies open)

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Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: Yashido, we cannot stay at this plant much longer.

Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #2: No Masuhatu, we MUST stabilize this reactor, to protect our country.

Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: But we’ll die!

Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #2: That doesn’t matter. I don’t want to keep on living if it means knowing I didn’t do everything I could to save our people. We will stop this leak, damn the consequences.

LOUDSPEAKER: Attention Fukushima employees, we have just been informed that yet another Earthquake has been detected off of the Northeast coast. A tsunami warning is now in effect for the entire coast.

Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #1: No!

Japanese Nuclear Plant Worker #2: It’s not fair! It’s not fair after all the sacrifices we’ve made! Truly, I don’t know if there is ANYONE out there right now experiencing this kind of bad luc…

(sealed radioactive vault door flies open)

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Before we get into today’s mailbag — which is a good one, I think — I wanted to address the USC roof-sex scandal that’s been going on this week. Apparently, a member of USC’s Kappa Sigma chapter was suspended from the fraternity after being photographed having sex on the roof of a dorm. As proof that the media is way too sensitive any time the word “fraternity” appears, here’s what Nerve said:

According to the Daily Trojan (no condom jokes in this piece), a meeting between the Interfraternity Council and Panhellenic Council of USC will take place to determine what steps should be taken in response to the incident. One can only hope that this was at least consensual, and not part of some sick hazing ritual, like we’ve been seeing lately.

“Well, someone in a fraternity had sex, so we’ll just have to hope it wasn’t rape. No no no, we don’t want to see all the different photos of them having obviously consensual sex; better to assume that this was a hazing ritual.”

I’m not going to pretend to have all the facts here; the only rush to judgment I’m going to make is that that dude must work out. But I’ll say this: rooftop sex is GREAT. You get plenty of fresh air, maybe a nice breeze on your balls, and there’s a great view of all these people NOT having sex. You feel like a king. I recommend it to anyone, and if Nerve or anyone else has a problem with that, they can go get screwed on a roof.

On to your questions.

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