Ted Allen: Four chefs. Three courses. One amazing meal. The stakes have never been higher. The ingredients have never been more outrageous. Who will come on top in this very special Super Bowl competition, and walk home with $10,000? And who will be sent home? Let’s meet our contestants.
Dungy: It is Christmas. CHRIST MASS. And yet, I do not feel that my beloved National Football League is operating as a proper vehicle for our Lord. Look at the way we’ve commercialized and bastardized the purity of Tim Tebow’s faith. There is a young man who knows MORAL COURAGE, a young man who isn’t afraid to speak out against abominations like ABORTION, and GAYS, and GAYBORTIONS. And yet, he’s been reduced to a mere talking point for the secular fundamentalists in our mainstream media! IS NOTHING SACRED?!
And now, as we near the birthday of our Savior Jesus Christ, I’m more concerned than ever. That filthy Rex Ryan and his band of dirty Jets players are STILL in the playoff hunt! This cannot be! What kind of country will we find ourselves living in if these, these… MISCREANTS were allowed into the postseason yet again! These are not ETHICAL creatures. They have refused my guidance at every conceivable turn, and now is the time for me to ACT! I must bring in one of my most trusted allies. Sergeant?
(door flies open)
Tebow: …and thank You God, for all the wonderful support You’ve given me through these challenging times. I praise You for the loving and talented teammates with whom I share in this great experience. I thank You for the fans, who have always had our back. And I worship You for this lovely meal, for which we are about to partake.
Mama Tebow: More pot roast, son?
Tebow: Please, mother. It’s simply divine. OOP! I suppose that’s a bit presumptuous. Let’s just say it’s fantastic, and I Thank God every day that you chose not to abort me so that I may may sit with you now and eat this blessed animal that gave its life in order to sustain us.
Mama Tebow: I’m proud of you, son. You’re so humble!
Tebow: Well now, let’s not go touting our humility. The good book says, “The humble man speaketh not of humility, but acteth WITH humility.” I think we can all live by that example. I think, if I play hard enough and give all the credit in the world to Jesus, that people will see a different path. That they’ll forsake arrogance and embrace a loving and caring…
(door flies open)
Mark Sanchez: Damn, Shonn! I threw for four touchdowns last week!
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Mark Sanchez: I don’t feel like I threw that many TDs. I feel like I played worse than that.
Shonn Greene: You did.
Mark Sanchez: I wonder if Coach was on the verge of benching me.
Shonn Greene: I would’ve.
Mark Sanchez: Well, I think this win is just the kind of springboard we need to get back on track. I think we’re on our way to doing great things, and I can take us there! Don’t you think so?
Shonn Greene: Uh… I’m gonna get a snack.
Mark Sanchez: Shonn? Shonn! Come back! I need to know you trust me, man! COME ON!
(doorknob fondled creepily)
(door flies open)
Social Worker: I know this is hard for you right now, Danny.
Danny: It’s okay, ma’am. It was ten years ago. I’m a grown man now. I’m doing fine. Frankly, I wish everyone would stop going around feeling sorry for me. I just want to live my life, get my law degree, and put this all behind me.
Social Worker: Denial is a very dangerous thing, Danny. You need to confront your past.
Danny: I did. That’s why I’m here right now.
Social Worker: You need to acknowledge that something terrible happened between you and Coach Sandusky.
Danny: I did. I’ve talked about it with my mother on many occ…
Social Worker: YOU WERE RAPED.
Danny: Yes, thank you. I know that.
Social Worker: I’ve brought in someone to help you with grapple with the BRUTAL and IRREVERSIBLE crime done to you.
Danny: Again, that’s not necessary. I’m fine. In fact, I have a class I really need to…
(door flies open)
Mrs. Garrett: More poached salmon, dear?
Garrett: MMMM! Yes. INDEED! Dearest Muffin, this is your finest supper yet! The salmon is enough to make even the hardiest Hamptonite blush with envy. Don’t you agree, brother?
Judd: Indeed I do. A finer eating there cannot be! What’s your secret, Muffin? Tell me! Darla will never forgive if I don’t ply you with Riesling and get some answers out of you!
Mrs. Garrett: Oh, Judd! You little scamp. Just tell your lovely wife that the secret ingredient… is DILL.
Garrett: Dill!
Judd: Dill!
Garrett: A marvelous pairing for a fine eating!
Judd: Ha ha ha!
Garrett: Ha ha ha!
Judd: Ha ha ha!
Garrett: Ha ha ha!
(Mrs. Garrett’s phone buzzes)
Mrs. Garrett: Oh. Oh, I seem to have a text message.
Garrett: Go ahead and answer it, darling. Judd and I shall retire to the parlor for port and cigars. And perhaps… SECRET FOOTBALL TALK.
Mrs. Garrett: Very well, my red stallion.
(picture message flies open)
Mark Sanchez: Oh wow, Shonn. We’re in some serious trouble here!
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Mark Sanchez: Three losses in a row! Man, we suck right now!
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Mark Sanchez: And you know what the worst part of it is? I think it might be my fault.
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Mark Sanchez: I feel like I’m losing the team. I feel like everyone has lost faith in me.
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Mark Sanchez: What’s up with you, Shonn? You seem awfully curt today. Just a bunch of one-word answers.
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Mark Sanchez: Oh, God. You, too? I’ve lost you, along with everyone else! OH NO! I can’t believe I’ve managed to lose my best friend in all this!
Shonn Greene: Best friend? The hell you talking about?
Mark Sanchez: We’re not best friends?
Shonn Greene: Nope.
Mark Sanchez: I thought we were best friends!
Shonn Greene: Nope.
Mark Sanchez: Christ, everything I’ve ever believed in has been a lie! What if I’ve been fooling myself this whole time? What if I’ve never been worth a damn? This is a spiritual crisis, Shonn!
Shonn Greene: Yup.
Mark Sanchez: Maybe a trip to see “Mamma Mia!” would help get my head straight. Sometimes, it just feels so good to get away and lose yourself in ABBA.
Shonn Greene: (shakes head)
Mark Sanchez: I thought you liked musicals!
Shonn Greene: Nope.
(ground rumbling)
Mark Sanchez: Maybe coach will have it sorted out. I need help!
(door flies open)
Reporter Who Has No Real Question To Ask: Tom, how important is the crowd going to be for this opening game?
Tom Brady: Yeah, start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It’s a 4:15 game, they’ll have a lot of time to get lubed up, come out here and cheer for the home team.
(door flies open)
[Chiefs camp, late August]
Todd Haley: Hey! HEY! Listen up! Stop practicing! Stop stretching! Shut up and get over here!
[Team assembles]
Todd Haley: You guys got your playbooks?
Matt Cassel: Of course, coach. We -
Todd Haley: RHETORICAL QUESTION, DRIBBLE DICK! I DIDN’T SAY TALK. I know you have your playbooks.
Okay, I want you to toss ‘em. Set ‘em on fire. Throw ‘em in the shredder. Whatever. We’re getting new ones.
[Gasps heard]
Todd Haley: INHALE ON YOUR OWN TIME, LADIES! Such goddamn disrespect.
I was online last night buying up tickets for the “Watch the Throne” tour stop in KC in November. Show sold out weeks ago but I scored tix from an online scalper. Big mark-up. I don’t give a damn. I make mad bank. That sh*t means nothing to me. Could buy out the whole arena if I wanted. Anyway, my old college roomie e-mailed this article.
No way am I letting Raheem shine on me. What did I say when I took this job? “From now on, we’re only driving the bitchingest cars, f*cking the hottest sluts and using the newest, fanciest shit money can buy.” Why do you think we have all the copies of GQ and Maxim in my office? It’s so when I see hotter, ridiculously expensive gear, I’m on it. I stay fresh. Bitches love that. See this 3D phone? Who the f*ck needs a 3D phone? Nobody. But I got one. And now you assholes got iPad playbooks.
Dwayne Bowe: So how do they work?
Todd Haley: How the f*ck should I know? We got tech fags to go over all the bells and whistles. Ask them. Don’t waste my time.
We good here? Good. I catch any of you with the old playbooks, that’s a $10,000 fine right there. I don’t play.
HEY! WHY AREN’T WE PRACTICING!? QUIT STANDING AROUND LIKE YOU’RE WAITING FOR PUSSY TO FALL OUT THE SKY. POON ONLY POURS ON THE HALEY.
[Message board flies open]
Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to the CNN/Tea Party Republican Party Presidential Debate. I’m your host, Wolf Blitzer, and before we start this evening, I’d like to introduce you to our candidates. First, we have Texas governor Rick Perry.
Perry: Hello. (executes six innocent black prisoners) Glad to be here.
Blitzer: And former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.
Romney: (says nothing, lest any slip-up causes his fundraising cash to dry up)
Blitzer: And Alan Keyes!
Herman Cain: I’m Herman Cain.
Blitzer: Oh, right. And Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann.
Bachmann: Hello! (keeps gun inside her vagina)
Blitzer: And Ron Paul.
Paul: These debates are a waste of money. As is this podium.
Blitzer: And I won’t bother introducing Newt Gingrich because he died five weeks ago. Now, I’d like to start off the debate with a question for Mr. Romney.
Romney: (shakes head vigorously)
Blitzer: You don’t want to talk? Are you sure? We’re on live television.
Romney: (nods vigorously)
Blitzer: Okay. Well then, the first question will be for you, Congressman Paul. You have spoken out many times against any government interference in the health care industry. Recently, a man died of a toothache because he lacked proper medical insurance. If you had a loved one who was sick but couldn’t afford insurance, do you think it’s right for the government to let them potentially die as a result?
(door flies open)
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