Bless you, Giants.

Bless you, ringier Manning. There are probably some positive words that can be spelled with the letters in your name.

Bill Simmons is in Brady’s hotel room already calling Manningham’s sideline catch even luckier than Tyree’s giant snatch. The Patriots now have a losing record in the Super Bowl. I won’t have to see Madonna and Jerry Seinfeld on my TV until their death tribute.

Before the Manningham catch, the longest play in the game was Ocho’s 21-yard reception. As the Hail Mary approached, Drew and I feared that a completed final throw would have been the worst of all conclusions, validating all the Myra Kraft dome-roof skypointing and false destiny bullsh*t that would have followed. Luckily Gromkowski pulled up short on the tip in the end zone and gloriously, that was it.

More to come. Most of it laughing at the Patriots.

The Giants decisively outplayed the Patriots in the first half. Bill Belichick displayed Andy Reid-ian clock management skills toward the end. His team doesn’t bother covering tight ends. The Pats defensive line was on rollerskates. Yet here we are with the Gritriots winning on the strength of a late gritdown from Danny Woodhead.

So now that the Patriots have survived that early onslaught, predictable game patterns dictate that New England has the edge to run away with it, even though Gronkowski has his requisite single catch for today. Still praying that the Giants pull this out for the usual reasons, but also because Simmons will never stop complaining about that Brady safety.

[gif via jose3030]

After two weeks of interminable hype, desperate casting for soft-focus storylines and looped footage of Super Bowl XLII, Super Bowl Sunday has arrived, a day that is mostly all the things I just mentioned plus a football game. We’ll get our Super Bowl live blog underway later this afternoon. In the meantime, more Peter King inanity to hold you over until the Puppy Bowl.

Not good fans, and therefore the usual assemblage of the uninitiated and members of Red Sox Nation who Peter King typically writes for in his weekly column, where any player who isn’t a big-name quarterback or one of his friends is surely being introduced to the nation for the first time. Who is this Cortez Kennedy? One of the defensive stalwarts of his era? A charismatic star who was frequently featured in national NFL promos? Or is he Seattle’s Starbucks quality control officer, who is tasked with enforcing the chain’s standards and dispatching the manager of any nationwide location that PK has suggested is serving watery, nutmegless coffee? ONLY ONE MAN KNOWS FOR SURE.

Finally, after a two week run-up that featured such prepossessing storylines as Hines Ward going to a strip club, Ben Roethlisberger singing “Piano Man” at a bar and a bunch of injured Packers players being upset for being excluded, then included with criticism, into a team photo, we finally have a football game to a decide a champion.

Green Bay fans also spent the break cribbing all the Steelers fan traditions that people find obnoxious. A Titletown Towel has been produced for the game by the same company that manufactures The Terrible Towel. Lil’ Wayne, who claims both the Packers and his hometown Saints as his teams, remixed “Black and Yellow” with the predictable enough title “Green and Yellow.” He makes sure to take a shot at Steelers corner Ike Taylor, who also hails from New Orleans. Clearly it’s all about Green Bay pride for Weezy.

No doubt nearly everyone who isn’t a Steelers fan is rooting against Pittsburgh getting a debatably dynastic third Super Bowl title in six years for any number of reasons, not the least of which is Ben Roethlisberger. A Steelers win would produce a bunch of facile and annoying Roethlisberger “redemption” stories, followed by twice as many indignant and contrarian pieces about how saying anything even halfway complimentary about Roethlisberger ignores the unforgettable evil of two rape allegations that produced no criminal charges. As if anyone actually forgot that they happened. Meanwhile, every outlet save Jezebel has been content to ignore that the Packers have on their roster an alleged rapist who is still being investigated. But don’t let Brandon Underwood ruin your wholesome anti-rapist rooting interest, America.

A Green Bay victory would stick in the Ol’ Dongslinger’s craw and make his lone career Super Bowl victory that much less impressive, which would be nice. But that line of reasoning neglects that Favretard Green Bay fans gleefully enabled that prima donna asshole for years and years without compunction. 80 percent of them would still accept him as starter tomorrow even if Rodgers wins today. That’s not gonna be enough to sway anyone to back the Steelers, but just something to think about when you see five million fat cheeseheads imitate Rodgers’ title belt celebration if the Pack wins.

Oh, and this very well might be the last meaningful scab-free NFL game until 2012. You should probably make the most of it.

NFL owners are gathered today to vote on the location of the 2014 Super Bowl, and the buzz is that it will go to the new stadium shared by the Jets and Giants. The proposal has its share of detractors in the media, from doughy KSK punching bag Peter King to self-important rumor monger Mike Florio. Their primary argument against a cold-weather Super Bowl: “Hurrrr, it’s gonna be cold” (exact quote). To which I counter:

FUCK YOU, TWATFUCKS.

What, is your vagina gonna freeze? How is playing a Super Bowl in cold weather a bad thing? Wild card games, divisional playoffs, and conference championships are held in frigid-ass places like Green Bay and New England, and you know what? Those games are the fucking TITS. I like football games in the snow, where you can see the big puffs of breath on the down linemen before the snap. It’s fucking awesome, because it reminds you that football is HARDCORE.

You know who bitches about their playoffs being too cold? Baseball fans. Fuck them, and fuck anyone who wants to make football more like baseball.

Also, as Darren Rovell points out, the Super Bowl experience isn’t merely the game, but the 4-5 days of pomp, circumstance, and partying that precede it.

Ask the people who went to the Super Bowl in Atlanta in 2000 or when the white stuff was coming down in Detroit in 2006. What about Jacksonville in 2005? Perfect Florida weather? Not quite. It was in the 50s all week. Same with Phoenix, where partygoers came without jackets and left quickly if there was a lack of heat lamps.

Not to mention the rain that came down throughout the Bears-Colts Super Bowl, or the massive clusterfuck that was Jacksonville’s inability to handle an influx of thousands of people into its backwater shores.

And can we mention once again fucking DETROIT? Detroit held a Super Bowl. Detroit’s next on David Simon’s “decaying city to make a show about” list, but somehow it’s good to host football’s biggest event because Ford Field is a DOME? That’s the argument that’s implicit here: Detroit is a better Super Bowl host than New York Fucking City because its stadium has a roof. FUCK YOU. New York in February is more vibrant and exciting than Detroit or Indianapolis on the nicest day of the year.

Oh, it’s a bad fan experience if the game is cold? Well, about 80,000 fans actually get tickets to the Super Bowl, generally through grace of being hooked up by a corporation or by using a chunk of their life savings. Another 100 MILLION watch on television. Oh no! Won’t someone think of the .08% of the people watching the game who have the honor of being physically present at the biggest event in American sports?!?!? OH, THE FUCKING HUMANITY!

You know why some journalists are bitching? Because they’re not getting a fucking free February vacation to San Diego or Miami. Peter King commutes to New York City — OF COURSE he doesn’t want a Super Bowl there. NYC is old news to him.

New York/New Jersey is gonna be a great place to have a Super Bowl. It has the biggest and liveliest restaurant and bar culture in all of America, fuckloads of museums and Broadway shows and tall buildings that tourists love so much, and the public transportation available to handle the arrival of scores of thousands of people furrowing their brows at subway maps.

It’s gonna be cold. So fucking what? Bring a coat or stay home.

I could see those sombreros being hindrance once the game begins. But you know how the Mexicans love the Breesus.

All week, it seemed that the Saints fans would easily overwhelm the fat humps in the stands today, but we failed to account that each fanbase would reflect the character of their hometown. The Who Datters showed up early in the week and partied late into the nights. The Colts fans showed up yesterday and in many cases this morning. Efficient, focused and obscenely obese. Very, very obese. Also, someone should have told them the jersey and khaki shorts look wasn’t a requirement for admission.

For those around, I am liveblogging this game – just not for KSK. Swing by The Sporting Blog if you want to follow along. Be advised that language restrictions are considerably more strict around those parts, and fewer comments will get through as Chris Littmann and I actually have to pay close attention to the proceedings and work. Should the paucity of dick jokes not gibe with your live blogging tastes, there’s always the comment section here. Or, y’know, you could talk to the other people at your party.

Miami is of course the place to be this week, with locals and visitors taking advantage of the sun and fun before tonight’s spectacle. Unlike our own Mr. Ape we are unable to experience the scene first hand, so instead here’s a brief photo tour of goings on in south Florida.

Images via Yahoo!

CHRIS McKENDRY: And now we turn to our men in the field, NFL insiders Adam Schefter and Chris Mortensen. Gentlemen, welcome. There’s a lot of discussion about Colts defensive lineman Dwight Freeney’s ankle. Mort, what have you heard about Freeney and should we expect to see him play in the Super Bowl?

MORT: Well Freeney was listed as questionable on Sunday’s injury report with that ligament tear in his ankle, but my sources tell me that Freeney is getting treatment for the swelling, and that despite some pain in that ankle, I’m told that Freeney will be starting for the Colts on Sunday. And also, I just spoke to–

SCHEF: So that means he won’t play, right?

MORT: Uh, I’m sorry?

SCHEF: Well, you just said Freeney was going to play. And since you’re always wrong about everything, that means that Freeney won’t play.

MORT: [stunned silence]

SCHEF: Right?

CHRIS McKENDRY: Uh, Adam, we’ve heard that Drew Brees has been–

SCHEF: No, hang on. Let’s hang on just a minute here.

MORT: Adam, I don’t think this is the place for any sort of–

SCHEF: You’ve been wrong about EVERYTHING. That’s the reason that ESPN gave me a big stack of cash to work here. And the only reason they haven’t fired you is because you still have naked pictures of Chris Berman from that orgy in the Hamptons. You suck at your job. You–

CHRIS McKENDRY: Adam, please.

SCHEF: You suck at your job, Mort. You suck at everything. When’s the last time you were right about anything? Tell me! I’m sick of sharing camera time with the great white idiot!

CHRIS McKENDRY: [to her mic] Can we go to commercial now?

SCHEF: Ask him a question.

CHRIS McKENDRY: …What?

SCHEF: Ask him anything. I guarantee he’ll get it wrong.

CHRIS: Mort…what team does Jonathan Vilma play for?

MORT: Oh, that’s easy. Uh…

SCHEF: YOU ARE A GODDAMNED NFL ANALYST! YOU ARE PAID TO KNOW SHIT ABOUT FOOTBALL! NAMES OF PLAYERS SHOULD BE RUDA-FUCKING-MENTARY FOR YOU!

MORT: Oh, that’s it. I don’t have to take this. [leaves]

SCHEF: The stage exit’s over there!

MORT: Right.

It’s Super Bowl week, which means Bodog has unleashed their annual cavalcade of ridiculous prop bets. There’s something here for everyone, up to and including people with a passing interest in the game itself. Let’s take a look at some of this year’s more enticing offers.

• Team to miss the first field goal in the game.

Saints Even
Colts -130

The last time Matt Stover saw The Who in concert Keith Moon was playing drums.

• What color top will Kim Kardashian be wearing at the Super Bowl?
(Wager is on color of top and not on jacket if seperate [SIC] top and jacket are shown. If two or more options are combined as the primary color on top then all wagers are no action.)

Black 5/6
White 5/2
Other Color 13/10

Pretty disappointing that Bodog won’t even consider the possibility of Kardashian showing up topless. Surely that would be good for a few throwaway bets. As it stands now, I am of the John Cutter school of thought.

• How Many Times will CBS announcers fully mention Hurricane Katrina during the game?

Over 2.5 -140
Under 2.5 +110

I’m banking on them referring to it simply as “Katrina.” Or possibly “The Great Cleanse of ’05,” but only if Jim Nantz gets really drunk. .

• How Many Times will CBS show Archie Manning on TV during the Game?

Over 4 -155
Under 4 +125

This line opened at 2.5, a mark that could best be described as adorably naive. It will probably inch towards five before kickoff.

• How many times will Pete Townshend do his legendary windmill move?
(Windmill move must be a full 360 degree revolution and be shown on TV to be counted for this wager.)

Over 5.5 -170
Under 5.5 +140

If every 360 degree revolution counts as an individual windmill then I figure we’re good for at least seven. Unless Pete tears his rotator cuff. Incidentally, the odds on that are set at 15/1.

• If any member of the Who smashes their guitar what does the guitar hit first?

Floor 2/7
Speaker 13/4
Microphone 4/1
Drummer 200/1
Fan 200/1

See NFL, just because a band is old doesn’t mean they can’t cause serious trouble. Next year you’ll have to try a lot harder to come up with a halftime show that is truly safe from any and all controversy.

Which brings me to a prop bet of my own…

• Who will host the halftime show at Super Bowl XLV

Taylor Swift -250
Black Eyed Peas +105
Other +1000

And of course this leads us down the road to more speculative prop bets…

Will Swift get through her set uninterrupted?

Will Fergie get through her set without wetting herself?

Actually, I’m pretty surprised Bodog isn’t offering that one for Messrs. Daltry and Townshend.

Super Bowl Prop Bets