At a time like this I just feel like the unique vistas proffered by that span would have a soothing effect on my soul.

How warm would you say the water is this time of year?

Huh? Just curious. I’m often interested in seemingly arcane facts like water temperature and wind velocity and such. I kind of fancy myself the occasional marine scientist, you know.

When would you say there’s the most boat traffic during the day?

Hey, hey. No need to pry. Wanted to know if, say, hypothetically, something were to land in the water there under the bridge, would there be someone there to drag that something to safety against its wishes.

Well, thanks for your help. How’d you like this watch? It even has his face on it. [Sobs] I won’t be needing it anymore.

Believe it or not, suicide isn’t always a lot of fun. It can tear apart families and scar loved ones for years to come, fortunately you’ll be too dead to care! These days there are so many ways to off oneself that it’s not always easy to keep abreast of the hot new trends in felo-de-se.

Even those of us who aren’t (currently) suicidal harbor thoughts of self-destruction, it’s as natural as jerkin’ it with a plastic bag over your head while you sit on a cattle prod. But what would be the most befitting way for you to shuffle loose the mortal coil? Everyone has had their own opinions dating back to 1942 when suicide was invented by young wordsmith William Shakespeare. His early visions of Ophelia’s relaxing soak in the creek and Romeo’s power-nap set the tone for the future of the game. Since then quitters the world over have expanded on these simple methods and thrown in their own special flair. So if you had a good run and were ready to call it a life how would you want to do the deed?

I’ll go ahead and kick off the draft with my first selection: Making friends with the ground!

As usual, we’ve got some rules. Follow them or your death may not be so optional.

1. You may not draft jump off of the bridge at Cornell, because that’s totally played out
2. Draft one method of death at a time
3. Wait a full ten picks in between draft picks
4. UPDATE: Must be PLAUSIBLE methods. Fucked to death by Angelina Jolie ain’t happenin’, pal.

If you are honestly suicidal you probably shouldn’t partake in this exercise or watch pre-season football.