People! Peter King needs your help! His MMQB column has long been a repository for softball stories, chronicles of his visits to the enema farm, very long journals of his summer vacation (he really did that this week), and, if there’s any room left, maybe a smidgeon of football insight. Just a bit. Not too much. That would be overkill.

But King doesn’t want to stop there! He wants you to help him think up new items for his column, so that they can be spread across even MORE pages on the si.com website!

I Need Your Help

In the mortal words of Mike Greenberg, “We’re back and better than ever.” (At least that’s what Greenie says at the start of his morning ESPN Radio show every day.) And as another season of MMQB dawns, I’m stealing the line and asking for you to help me mean it.

I want to be back and better than ever. I want you to help me find two or three new column staples to add to my weekly lineup of travel notes, stats, quotes, Fine Fifteens, players of the week, factoids that mean something to me, and coffee shots.

Well, we at KSK couldn’t resist such an invitation. Peter, we think you need to add these features RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

Ask My Brother Biff

Who Ass Am I Smoochin’ This Week?

Current GPS Location Of My Daughter

Another Wonderful Thing About Colgate!

Thing I Swallowed Whole

Stop Me Before I Mingle Again!

My Pity Blowjob Of The Week

Things In Brett Favre’s Garbage

Unexpected Thing I Found In My Stool

Another Brilliant Insight From Tiki Barber

Miscellaneous Douchebaggery

Starbucks-Approved Liberal Viewpoint Of The Week

Movie I Saw Recently That You Saw Seven Years Ago

Gratuitous Praise For “House”

What Is Wrong With People Who Aren’t Me?

Another Reason Why I Love Sugarless Gum

Thing I Got To Do That You Are Too Poor To Do

Hysterical Thing Frank Caliendo Did

This Week’s Opinion I Formed After Reading Newsweek

Edgy U2 Song I Like!

Safe Word Of The Day

Thing I Saw That I Couldn’t Believe

Uninformed Baseball Opinion

Yours in the comments. Help Peter King, everyone!