Happy birthday, boys! Your names suck! None of you has it “going both ways,” as we like to say at NOTY. Though we’re sure all of you go just one way: the way favored, by our count, by two NFL of the 20,482 players in NFL history (through 2005; unlike you, we do actual research), three if you count Jeff Garcia. Those are some tough hombres, eh? Did you know we recently elected a former New York Giant to the Hall of Name? Our man Moses Regular didn’t have much game, but he has killer name. You pantywaists have nothing. Though we do love it when you post for us.

First Round
Unsilent Majority v. Christmas Ape: Great. A fucking Nixon reference. Just what we want to see at the bottom of another post about the Wizards. Oh, wait. Wrong blog. And Christmas Ape. From “The Simpsons”? No way! Because we enjoy that television program as well!
Winner: Unsilent Majority

Captain Caveman v. Big Daddy Drew: Another cartoon! Your command of popular culture never ceases to amaze! We’d like to think Drew was tapping into the nicknames of some of America’s greatest sportsmen. Or perhaps paying homage to Africa’s greatest dictator. But we’re guessing Drew just really likes that dumbass Adam Sandler movie and/or—wait for it—“The Simpsons.”
Winner: Big Daddy Drew

Flubby v. Monday Morning Punter: Which of the Urban Dictionary definitions is it? Our money is on wishful thinking for No. 3. “Monday morning whatever” entered the realm of lame when you guys were jerking off to Saturday-morning cartoons (and we don’t mean last week). It also reminds us of Easterbrook. Which of course we’re guessing it’s supposed to. So clever! But the surname saves it. Kickers rock.
Winner: Monday Morning Punter

Second Round
Unsilent Majority over Big Daddy Drew: Because we’re actually kind of amazed that any of you has a point of reference before 1991.

Monday Morning Punter over Bye: It’s our fucking bracket.

Finals
Unsilent Majority v. Monday Morning Punter: We’ll let the commenters decide.

Name: Mason Crosby

Height: Taller than Jackie Mason, shorter than David Crosby
Body Type: Right thigh bigger than mole on Ginny Sack’s ass
Speed: 8.3 (sidelines to ball spot)

Urine Sample: Good trajectory, stream tends to fade right
Stool Sample: Tiny pieces of Martin Gramatica

Criticisms: Doesn’t follow through when kicking longer field goals, jerking off

Mainstream Comparison: Sebastian Janikowski
KSK Comparison: Nigel “The Leg” Gruff

Who’s Interested: His mother, other kickers

Who Will Take Him: The Falcons. Need rookie to kick off, attempt long field goals, escort Morten Andersen to and from Buckhead Assisted Living Facility

Honors: Runner-up for Lou Groza Award in 2005. Didn’t stab teammate in the leg like backup punter at other school in Colorado

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Has to hit 60 golf balls at a driving range two days before every game. This will lead to the following conversation:

BERMAN: Mason “Bing” Crosby! Looks like whoever drafts him will have to hold a celebrity golf tournament.

JAWORSKI: Another kooky kicker, Boomer.

BERMAN: I keek a touchdown!

(Cut to highlight of Garo Yepremian throwing interception in Super Bowl VII)

Ambitions: Not fucking up just enough to make $30 million in career kicking a football five times a week.

Projection: Drafted in third round. Subject of 43 newspaper profiles speculating whether he can break NFL field-goal record of 63 yards. Forgotten until misses first potential game-winning kick. Gang-raped by offensive line when misses another. Released when misses third. Plays seven seasons for Laredo Lobos of afl2.