Wade: Well, this has been some week. Lots of things going on. Let me just recap my current situation to myself before anyone has a chance to inter…

(door flies open)

Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW!!!! GREAT GRAND-SPANKIN’ PUSSYSAURUS, HERE COMES THE DOUBLE-J!!!

Wade: Well, that happened faster than usual.

Jerry: No time for talkin’, Fatty! I need your fat ass UP! Outta that chair, Barefoot Contessa! Move it! Move your big fat piggy ass! Make room!

Wade: I’ve already moved offices eight time. You already put me down here in the visitor’s showers.

Jerry: And it’s a good thing I did, seein’ as how your fat ass could use a good hosin’ down every few minutes or so! The groomer’s almost doing an acceptable job with you! NOW MOVE, SLOTH-BOY!

Wade: What the heck is goin’ on here?

(door flies open)

Thom Felicia: Oh my god. This looks like the kind of bathroom where Russian mafia members have naked knife fights! I’m a little scared, and a little tingly.

Wade: Who’s he?

Jerry: Thom here is damn near the gayest interior designer in the whole U.S. of A. Which is sayin’ a lot, ‘cause Lord know interior designers love themselves some wallpapered cock! Thom, what do you think we can do with this area?

Thom Felicia: Well, I don’t want to do anything radical, Mr, Jones. I want it to really reflect your personality. I just want to make it better.

Jerry: So how can you make it reflect me more, FAG BOY?!

Thom Felicia: Well, we’ll have to make it bigger. And shinier. And add lots of mirrors. I’m also thinking of a sort of wall-to-wall gun rack aesthetic.

Jerry: HOT DAMN, THAT SOUNDS CLASSY! MAKE IT HAPPEN! AND DON’T SUCK ANY COCK ON COMPANY DIME!

Wade: Why are we redesigning everything? What the heck is going on?

(door flies open)

Pacman: Yo yo. U put dat fat bitch in da showa, Pacman gon make it rain fo real. Pacman down wid it.

Jerry: I LOVE YOUR ATTITUDE, ADAM! You see, Tubby, my boy ADAM here is a goddamn STAR! Which means we’re gonna have to make some adjustments to make sure he’s comfortable here in Big D.

Pacman: Pacman say lights too bright up in dis bitch. I gon darken dat shit right up.

(takes out gun, shoots out lights)

Jerry: Good thinking, Adam!

Wade: What are you doing?

Jerry: Stop being such a puss, my big chocolate éclair. Adam here suffers from a highly debilitating mental illness called Mons Venopsychosis. It’s a rare condition where the brain is actually tricked into believing that it is ALWAYS in a titty bar. Isn’t that somethin’, Fatcakes?!

Wade: That’s not a real illness.

Jerry: Then why did my boy ADAM show me this doctor’s note?

Wade: “Yo yo. Pacman doctor say he need tits and shit.” This is a forgery!

Jerry: Well, that is just sad, Tubelina. I go out of my GODDAMN way to support this poor, mentally crippled man, and you have the gall to doubt him! Now, Adam. Is it true that you suffer from this horrible affliction?

Pacman: Dat shit b real. Pacman say he gon cuckoo for dem Cocoa Puff tittays. He gon need long time fo dat rebiliteration. He gon need big dose a azz. Pacman gon drain dat azz.

Jerry: You see?! He’s sick! That’s why we have to make this place MENTALLY CRIPPLE ACCESSIBLE, FATASS! That means making the place look more like a strip club, so that our boy ADAM can feel more at home! Jenna?

Jenna: Yes, Mr. Jones?

Jerry: HOO WEE, YOU GOT SOME BODACIOUS TIXAS TA-TAS! Don’t you change a damn thing, sweetheart. You just keep doin’ what you’re doin’!

Pacman: Ooh! Pacman gobble up dem dots!

Wade: I thought you said you were going to make the place look more LIKE a strip club, not actually make it a strip club.

Jerry: Now how the fuck can I make this place look like a proper titty bar without some REAL TITS TO GO AROUND?! Thom! Get your faggity ass over here!

Thom Felicia: Sir?

Jerry: WE NEED MORE TITS LIKE THESE ‘ROUND THESE PARTS! And I want everyone wearing skimpy cocktail dresses with slits that go up to the armpits! What else can we do to make this place nice for you, Adam?

Pacman: Kill dem lights. Pussy ain’t go no face.

Jerry: Well put!

Pacman: Pacman gon need his own back room to do his bidness. He gon squeeze dem tits till dey pop.

Jerry: You getting all this, Felicia?! What else, Adam?

Pacman: Gon need some guns. Pacman like 2 fish in dat azz.

Jerry: I don’t know what that means, BUT I LOVE IT!

Pacman: Ain’t no music up in dis bitch. We gon git some Young Jeezy up in dis bidness. AND WE GON GIT SOME DRANK! O WE GON GIT DAT DRANK. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank we ain’t got no NyQuil. Pacman gon make dem bitches spit da bit. He gon make a fist party wit dem bitches. Muthaphuckkas ain’t no playas if they ain’t takin no sip a dis pussy juice. Pacman gon grab dem quarters and rain dat hail down. He gon spit on dat asshole and wait to put dat Slinky in dat shit. Pacman like it when there blood on the flo. He gon stick dat azz till it rip. PACMAN GON FUCK LIKE A JOHN DEERE DIS FRIDAY. BELIEVE DAT. HE GON TRACTA THAT AZZ.

Thom Felicia: Okay, I didn’t understand any of that.

Jerry: Well, make it your job to understand, gay boy! We need this place looking like a five-star Tixas poon parlor by next week! And do a rush job on the bar. Switzer’s doin’ the bartindin’!

Wade: Sir, this is a huge mistake. We can’t afford this kind of distraction. How are we going to keep players focused in this kind of environment?

(door flies open)

Garrett: Indeed. And how will we keep this fellow focused on football, instead of on the brie en croute hidden in his shorts?

Wade: Ugh. You always gotta show up.

Jerry: Shut up, Fart Garfunkel. Git your shit outta this shower, so we can make more room for the DJ! And the lasers! DJ’s AND LASERS MAKE TITS SING!

Pacman: Pacman gon mak dat azz sloppy.

Wade: Jesus.

Jerry: Let’s make this place into a world class PUSSY RODEO, BOYS! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!

You may have heard recently of the struggles of Titans defensive back Adam “Pacman” Jones. In particular, you may have heard of Pacman’s penchant for “making it rain” at strip clubs, by showering strippers with a surplus of one-dollar bills. A reader recently asked me why we didn’t cover this story more. Well, we here at KSK aren’t in the business of reporting “news”. That’s for 10,000 other blogs to fall over themselves rushing to post about. No, we like to go more in-depth here with our dick jokes at KSK. Think of us as a sort of “Real Sports”, only without the butch Carillos, the fey Gumbels, and the dickface Goldbergs.

And, to prove the depth of our reporting, I spent the previous week interviewing Pacman Jones’ friends, family and teammates. From them, I have discovered that Pacman has an elaborate lexicon of phrases that constitute a loose moral code the man lives by. It’s a fascinating look into the world of a very complex person: horny, yet rude; dumb, yet reckless; stoned, yet drunk. Let’s delve in:

Pacman Sno-Cone: This is when Pacman packs a stripper’s bare asscrack with crushed ice and then pees in it.

Singapore Sting: Pacman does not abide by Asian strippers. Should one ever cross his path, he will lure her closer with promises of cash tips, only to then give her a single, hard flick to the clitoris.

Sand Dollar: When a stripper performs in a way that Pacman finds unsatisfactory, he will smear a dollar with a unique mixture of obscure 80’s toy Magic Sand and his own excrement and jam it in the stripper’s armpit.

Ectoplasm: A homemade concoction consisting primarily of antifreeze, maple syrup, and any leftover malt liquor from the previous evening. Pacman sneaks very large jugs of Ectoplasm into clubs and will fill an empty glass with it whenever a stripper asks him to buy him a drink. Occasionally, he will add just a jigger of GHB.

Pacman Water Torture: Should a stripper find herself alone with Jones, he will pin her down and perform the old grade school trick of letting a long line of drool dangle over the stripper’s face until he sucks it back up at the last minute. Though, often, Jones will simply let the drool fall and then punch the stripper in the throat.

The Cifaretto: Named after Joe Pantoliano’s character on “The Sopranos”, this maneuver involves Pacman bashing a stripper’s head against a traffic barrier until she is dead.

The “Derek”: Named after Robert Downey Jr’s character in “Back to School”, Pacman often brings a pocket mirror with him to strip clubs. When a stripper is about to perform a difficult maneuver, he will reflect the light into the stripper’s eyes just so. Hilarity ensues.

The Seafood Gumbo: Like many West Virginians, Pacman is an avid collector of his own vomit. Using a funnel, he will pipe the vomit into water balloons and lob them at any stripper over 120 lbs.

The Spanish Prisoner: If a Latino stripper approaches Pacman, he will grab her breasts and squeeze them as hard as he possibly can. The goal is to get them to burst or to reach 20 seconds, whichever comes first. Pacman keeps his fingernails extra long specifically for this trick.

The Pacman Chomp: This is self-explanatory.

The Pelican Brief: When a stripper fellates Pacman in a private enclave, he will often stick his penis under the stripper’s tongue, and then press down as hard as he can, causing the stripper’s lower jaw to take on a pelican shape.

The Foul Pole: Pacman will sneak into clubs before opening and spray a single pole with a special silicone lubricant. Bets are then placed on which stripper will be the first to discover it.

The Tsunami: Any time Pacman drowns three or more Asian strippers in his bathtub. (Ufford came up with this one)

The Electric Earthquake Pacman tasers a stripper, usually until heart failure. (Ufford)

True Shocker: A new take on a modern classic. Pacman simply replaces his pinky with a cattleprod. (UM, perhaps inspired by the Wes Craven film?)

Your own suggestions welcome in the comments.