One week — just ONE WEEK — it would be nice if our readers were all, “Hey, I don’t have any sex problems to share with you, but I took this photo of my hot girlfriend hooking up with this other girl.” That would be nice. I’d like that.

Unfortunately, most of you are unattractive and thus have problems. And we’ve got answers. Well, maybe not answers, but they’re definitely responses. Apologies to the many many of you who wrote in needing help on whom to start in your flex position. I mean for fantasy football. Although “flex position” sounds like something I’d like to try with a girl. Preferably a college gymnast.

Gentlemen,
Football: This year, I’m playing fantasy football for the first time. I did my homework and feel pretty good about my results from the just-finished draft. I got two solid QBs (Brady and Rivers) and good depth at RB (Forte, Steve Slaton, Addai, LenWhale, and tiny Darren). I’m weaker at TE (Greg Olsen and Shiancoe) and WR (Welkah, Ward, Donnie Avery, Deion Branch), and ended up with one kicker (Gould) and the Vikings’ defense. Now I’m wondering, what do I need to be doing during the season? How important are the kicker and defense positions? Do I need to worry about my wide receivers? League has 10 teams, head to head, and the roster is QB/3 WR/2 RB/TE/K/DEF, with 6 bench players. I prepared for the draft, but I don’t want to look like the clueless newbie I am as the season continues.

You have two top-tier quarterbacks, and you lack depth at wide receiver. Either Rivers or Brady is redundant. Trade one of them to get a WR who’s solid week-to-week — Avery and Branch leave too much room to disappoint. I’d suggest this: Rivers or Brady and one of your backup RBs for a top-tier receiver and a backup QB.

Relationship: I’ve been dating a girl for a year now. I really like her, things are going well, sex is good, etc. Recently, she said we should think about moving in together. I told her that, while I was very happy with her, I like what we have and am not ready to move in together. I can tell this is still bothering her, but I haven’t brought it up again. Is this something I need to discuss, or do I just hope it blows over? Part of what’s bothering her, I think, is that I’m going back to school this winter (8 years after graduating with a useless history degree), will be working full time, and she thinks we’ll never see each other. I told her I’ll make the time to spend with her, but she’s not reassured.
Newbie

Yeah, if you can tell it still bothers her, then you need to talk about it. For whatever reason, girls LOVE talking about problems. Talk talk talk, always complaining about shit, and she just wants you to sit there and listen when JESUS CHRIST, JUST FIX THE PROBLEM AND STOP TALKING ABOUT IT ALREADY.

Anyway, talking about it more and reassuring her that you’ll still see her all the time will probably help a little, but let’s be clear about one thing: she wants to move in together not because she’s afraid she’ll see you less, but because she wants to sink her hooks into you further, so that eventually you’ll give her a ring and marry her and impregnate her. Women get men the way boa constrictors kill their prey. She already has names picked out for your first three children, I guarantee it.

Protectors of the pleasurable pussy,
Fantasy- Need a little help with a trade. Possible deal of me giving up Ryan Grant for T.O. and Donnie Brown. I’m pretty shallow at WR and somewhat deep at RB. My RB’s: AP, J-Stewart, Felix Jones, Justin Fargas. My WR’s: Anthony Gonzalez, Santonio Holmes, Jeremy Maclin, Nate Washington, Hakeem Nicks, Antwaan Randle El. 12 Team league, ESPN standard scoring. Deal or no deal?

I like that deal. Pull the trigger.

Sex- I’ve been with several different girls who all despise getting jizzed on. And it pisses me off cuz I would love nothing other than to shoot my load on their faces. Do you have any idea (based on personal experience or surveys) what percent of the female population approves of facials? And what state they live in?
As Ghandi once famously said, “Eh, Tits!”

I think the problem might have something to do with you being an asshole. Try getting involved in a relationship where you respect the woman as a friend and partner. Those kinds of girls are generally more willing to be adventurous in bed.

(Land) Barons of Buggery,

My girlfriend in college just finished a summer internship at Planned Parenthood. Apparently they filled her head with all sorts of horror stories of women getting knocked up despite being on the pill and using condoms. Now, when we’re having sex, she insists that I pull out right before I finish while still wearing a condom. I’ve assented, because I’m not Jerramy Stevens; but I thought not having to pull out was one of the selling points of using a condom in the first place. I think she’s being neurotic, but how can I approach her about this issue without making her self-conscious/pissed off?

Well, yes: people do get pregnant even while using effective birth control methods like condoms and the pill. However, if you’re in a monogamous relationship and your girlfriend is on the pill, SWEET FUCKING CHRIST get rid of the condoms already! You can even offer to pull out and come on her. I hear from our readers that’s a desirable thing to do.

With every day I’m getting more nervous about starting Chris Johnson at Pittsburgh. I have Beanie Wells (vs SF) and Fred Jackson (@NE) on my bench. Are either of those two a better play than Chris given the defense? (For context, I have Thomas Jones in my other RB slot, and Andre Johnson, Colston and Anthony Gonzalez in my WR and flex slots).

Eesh. I dunno man. I’d bench Johnson and start Fred Jackson, but I also have a tendency to overthink things and play matchups instead of proven talent. So take that for what it’s worth.

Dear KSK,
I grew up in a small town in western Mass. There is a family that has been long standing family friends and their youngest daughter has recently expressed interest in coming to visit and sleeping over, which she made clear means she wants sex. I am 29 and she is 20, I have no problem with the age difference, plus she has grown in to a pretty hot piece of ass. Here is my quandary, I was literally at the hospital the day she was born, I have watched her grow up from infancy to the smoking hot young lass she is now. My question is, am I a pussy for being a little gunshy about fucking a girl I babysat from when she was age 4 up? What is your opinion about this? I am kind of afraid of small town politics.

Well, it’s okay to have some conflicted feelings here. That’s your conscience speaking on behalf of societal norms. But I think I speak for everyone in the room when I say you need to hit that hot little piece. I mean WEAR IT OUT. Put a saddle on that filly and ride her through Injun country all the way to California. Give her the Pony Express and don’t stop except to eat and sleep.

And please, let us know it goes.

Fantasy Football:
I play in an IDP league, my team defenseive players are Orakpo, Antoine Cason, Maualuga, T. Suggs, D. Manning and Demps, My Starting offense consists of Brees, M. Turner, Chris Johnson, Ronnie Brown (in the flex), Jennings, Welker, Antonio Bryant and Chris Cooley. Do I need to make moves to shore up the Defense or is the offense enough to overshadow and shortcomings I may have on the defensive side?
- No Desire to be Run out of town

No idea. You IDP people are weird. Check the comments, maybe there’s another freak like you who can help.

Oh ye blog writers who are weekly subjected to a stream of unfunny names,
Due to a bout of indecisiveness during my fantasy draft, I got autodrafted Brandon Marshall, leaving me kinda f’d in the a at WR. That said: Marshall, Nate Burleson, or Domenik Hixon?

Ugh. Crappy scenario. Hixon? I guess?

What are the rules and/or ethics of trolling “adult” chatrooms whilst in the confines of a relationship?

Don’t do it.

Gentlemen,
In my draft I totally screwed things up by drafting two players RB’s who share the same bye week. It’s Slaton and B. Jacobs. What’s the best way to handle this? Should I try to trade one of them? Thus far my offers include – Addai, DeAngelo Williams, Gore, and Ronnie Brown for either one of them. Or is it best to just assume a loss that week and keep them both?

You can get DeAngelo Williams for either Slaton or Brandon Jacobs? I hope you’ve already made that trade. Keep Slaton if it’s PPR; otherwise I’d hold on to Jacobs.

Finally – what’s the official KSK stance on distance in a relationship? How far is too far and how often do both parties need to see each other to keep things somewhat serious? In this particular situation – the distance between the two cities is 400+ miles (Between Charlotte and New Orleans)
-Rob D.

Every week, someone writes in asking for an “official stance” on something that varies wildly from person to person. “What’s the official stance on how many girls a man should sleep with before getting married?” etc.

Get yourself some Skype and a frequent flyer program. 400 miles ain’t shit if you’re in love.

Sex: I travel often for work. I was in St. Louis last year, met a girl and hooked up, err tried to hook up. I, let’s say, had difficulties performing. I was pretty drunk and blah blah blah, a couple weeks later I’m back on the road. We’ve remained friends after that with her giving me playful jabs about it and frequently tells me how she wants to try again, and even how she wants to date. I’m at home in Chicago beating the girls off with a stick (or beating my stick over girls, whatever) but I’ve got a nice rotation of ladies going right now and 1.5 million or so other ladies (less young and elderly) to select from here. She’s now in Jefferson City Missouri where not only are there no black people (we’re both colored, as Kerry Collins would say), but no suitable people to date. I think this is why she’d like to see me, because she doesn’t have any better options. She wants me to come this weekend and hang out with her in her shitbag town, sex is guaranteed. I don’t particularly want to go because it’s a 7 hour drive or a $300 flight plus a 2 hour train, for a person who I’m not dating, who I fought with more than I fucked when we hung out. I would like to set the record straight to her that I can bring the ruckus to the ladies. What should I do?

Pffft. Unless this is the hottest girl you’ve ever been with, stay in Chicago. Besides, it’s football season: you don’t want to be traveling while the games are on.

Football: I think the Raiders will make the playoffs this year. Stout defense, and if Run DMC is worth anything they’ll have a middling offense. Am I retarded?

Yes.

Dear Cheerleaders of Chikan,
Sex first. I have me a lovely latina girlfriend who has tried anal in the past. She didn’t like it much though due to pain. I’m sure the last guy was probably just an asshole about it and ruined it for the rest of us. What would be a good way to convince her I’ll be the gentle sensitive type and please open the gate to the hershey highway?

Congratulations! You’re the 1000th reader to ask about how to get anal sex from your girlfriend! You win a lifetime supply of go fuck yourself!

And for Football: I have Hasselbeck and Roethlisberger for QB’s. Should I start healthy Hasselbeck against piss poor St. Louis? Or take Ben Roethlisberger against the Tennessee Titans? He had over 300 yards and 2 TDs last year when he played them, and should be fresher now. Help me out.

I’d go with Hasselbeck. Not because I’m a homer, but because — again — I overthink things and tend to play the guys going against shitty defenses.

I recently dated a chick, we got to the 3rd date in less than a week, other nights we talked on phone, and on the 3rd date she gave me the dreaded, “I want to just be friends.” speech. She claims to have had such a great time, that despite not feeling a click, she gave me another chance etc….assuming she’s not bullshitting out the ass, wtf? Do I stay friends and see if I can exit the friend zone or am I dead in the water? I can’t quite wrap my head around it, it’s just…weird.

She’s not attracted to you. Sorry pal.

Football: call me crazy, but barring injuries (long term ones really), I don’t see anything stopping the Steelers from repeating.

I won’t call you crazy. I’ll call you retarded. Have you never watched playoff football before?

Is it me, or does Tomlin seem to do a better job than Cowher in getting his guys to play hard and smart? I kinda loved the replays of Cowher looking like he was going to punch a player for being retarded (here’s looking at you, Plaxico); but every AFC Championship game he lost, there was always that kind of thing happening (dumb penalties on key 3rd downs, massive brain farts, etc). Tomlin seems to be excited but not as crazy when a bad hop happens. Is it evil to like Tomlin over Cowher Power? :)
SteelersPride

So what’s your FANTASY FOOTBALL question? Ugh, Steelers fans. Anyway, I turned this one over to Christmas Ape. He says:

Cowher was coach for 14 years. People got attached to him, as did I. He drafted most of the current roster. There’s a feeling, fair or no, that his imprint remains on the team. Tomlin has done exceeding well with that talent and not shown some of the late season fuckups that marked the Cowher tenure.

So there you go. To recap: Steelers fans worry that they love one awesome coach who won a Super Bowl better than another awesome coach who won a Super Bowl. This is why we hate you.