The Eagles blowing their shot at a first-round bye by losing at home to Joe Webb? Sumptuous failure or DELIBERATE SABOTAGE AGAINST THE GIANTS, WHO NEED THE BEARS TO TRY TO BEAT THE PACKERS! I’ll take a glorious screwing over of two obnoxious NFC East teams in one night, thanks.

What I couldn’t truck, however, was this overwrought Springsteen overlaid montage for Favre’s lost season of bullshit. Yes, Favre’s 2010 pickkake had all the pathos of The Wrestler, a movie about a guy who kept pursuing a violent trade because he’s a wreck and has no money left and not a total drama queen hellbent on holding the entire sports world hostage to his need for attention for months at a time.

DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE

Though PK says it could use another pinch of nutmeg and maybe a drizzling of his lofty load.

Included for sheer Photoshop potential.

The last time Philly appeared in the playoffs, we got “Fuck Da Eagles” girl. While it’s unlikely that Minnesota has a decent equivalent, we live in hope.

This is likely to be a dazzling spectacle of horrible coaching, one that future Romeos and Marinellis will write length dissertations on during their senior year at the School of Kotite. Seriously, what possessed the NFL to give Philly and Minnesota the marquee time slot of the weekend. This is the least exciting match-up of the bunch. Dicks.

When a former offensive coordinator who can’t coach offense and a head coach with no grasp on clock management get together, it makes you wonder how these two clowns aren’t working for Jim Johnson. It’s their second meeting since Brad Childress took the Vikings job, but now it’s with their seasons on the line (seasons that started with very high hopes, plummeted to the Earth, then still somehow resulted in playoff spots). WHO YA GOT?

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

This is Drew Magary, world’s skinniest Vikings fan.

If you hate the Vikings, it’s probably because of him. Because otherwise who gives a shit about the Vikings? I mean, honestly, it’s the Vikings.

Their fans are doncha-know dipshits. They hate Brad Childress, not undeservedly so, but then this is a team helmed by Mike Tice and Denny Green the previous 14 years. What towering standard of coaching have you assholes somehow become accustomed to? “Skol, Vikings” makes Jared Allen want some chaw. The team backed into the playoffs thanks to squeaking by the Giants reserves while the Bears were choking away their opportunity to take the NFC North.

If there were a division the NFL should retract, it is the most definitely the NFC West. Then the AFC West. BUT THEN THE NFC NORTH! God, they’re all terrible.

I don’t know much about Minne-snow-ta, but I can extend a mighty fuck-an-ice-dildo for inflicting the only known white emo rapper, Atmosphere, on the rest of us.

But, back to Drew, because he demands attention at all times. He once wrote this glowing review of Sigur Ros, who are known, among being the background music for hipster orgies, for singing in a lilting made-up language called Vonlenska:

“Scared of the language barrier? Don’t be. Like any opera, the emotion comes through regardless of whether or not you can understand the words. From the dazzle of ‘Svefn-G-Englar’ to the Celtic waterfall of ‘Olsen Olsen,’ Sigur Ros bursts with feelings of hope, despair, happiness, sadness, and all points in between, perhaps even creating new emotions as they go along. It’s an incredible achievement, not likely to be matched by anybody anytime soon. Unless you count the band itself, but they may have moved on to another solar system by then.”

What a douche.

Also, among his many annoying verbal tics, Drew appends “yes?” onto all of his questions. (For example: The Redskins are going to hire Shanahan now, yes?) As if to say, LOOK I’M ASKING A QUESTION BUT I REALLY WANT AN AFFIRMATION OF MY BELIEFS AND I’VE EVEN GONE TO THE TROUBLE OF PROVIDING YOU AN APPROPRIATE ANSWER AT THE END OF MY INQUIRY! SAY IT! SAY YES NOW! DO IT! YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT!

Fuck him and the Vikings with a frozen swordfish.

It is my-ah understanding that you have nawt suspended the remaindah of games on the 2008 NFL schedule. WHAT THAH FACK AHH YOU WAITING FAR, YOU REDHEADED FACK?!

The events of last Sunday have cast dahhhhk cloud on the entiah NFL. It’s a very dahk cloud: dahkkah than the dahhkest dahhkie that has evah rawbbed a lickah stare! AND THAT’S PRETTY FACKING DAHK!

(cranks POD album)

I cannot see how you can allow league play to continue in light of this incredible facking tragedy. We, the legendary Baston fans, ahhh suffaring! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT?! This is the warst tragedy of ow-uh times. It’s fahhh warse than that 9/11 shit. Sure-ah, those camelfackahs killed lawts of people, but they also took out a shitload of faggot Yankee fans, AND NO TEARS NEED TO BE SHED OVAH THAT!

(puts entire tin of Kodiak in top lip and entire tin of Skoal in bottom lip)

This terrible injury that has befallen the great Tawmmy Brady is the worst thing that has ever happened in ow-uh lifetimes, BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO BASTON FANS! WE DIDN’T DESERVE TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO US! WE AHHH THE GREATEST FANS IN THE FACKING WORLD, AND WE DESERVE BOTH YOUR-AH ADMIRATION AND YOUR-AH PITY!

(does a 2×20 set of bicep curls on barstool))

That is why, far thah good of us Baston fans, and they-ahfor-ah, far thah good of thah whole warld, you must suspend the rest of this NFL season. The league clearly cannot function if the Pats ahh nawt they-ah fackin’ dawminant selves! CAN’T YOU FACKIN’ SEE THAT! No TRUE football fan would evah want that to happen! You must suspend the games, and play next season with these commemorative patches on every facking jersey!

Your-ah league cannot go on without Tawm Brady! ESPN said so! That’s like the NBA trying to go on without LARRY FACKING BIRD! And look how that turned out! No basketbawl fan wants to see some carnrowed dahkie jungle up the game!

(puts on Bird jersey with no undershirt)

And what kinda facking team would accept thah facking Lombahhhdi Trophy if they did nawt beat the Pats to win it? THAT WOULD NAWT BE A LEGITIMATE CHAMPIONSHIP! IT SHOULD HAVE A FACKIN’ ASTERISK! ASTERISK! ASTERISK!

WE ALL KNOW THAH FACKIN’ PATS WOULD HAVE DAWMINATED THIS YEE-AH IF BRADY HAD STAYED HEALTHY! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Do you really wawnt ot have a league way-uh a team othah than the Pats wins a title? I THINK NAWT! THAT WOULDN’T BE RIGHT!

(spits on immigrant)

If you play these games, you ahhh showing us Baston fans great disrespect! We’ll nevah get ovah it! I may have to punch at least a dozen South Americans just to feel bettah!!! How could you live with yarself, YOU FACK!

Tommy Sr.: Tawmmy!

Dad?

Tommy Sr.: Thah fack ahh you doin’?

I’m writing a fackin’ lettah!

Tommy Sr.: What ahh you, a fackin’ faggot? “Ooh look at me! I write fackin’ lattahs I’m like Nat fackin’ Hahhhhtharn!” Get me a fackin’ scawtch and join yar 12 brothahs and 13 sistahs with me at thah bah, yah little quee-ah!!

Okay, Dad! Yar the best Dad evah! Remember when we used to go to Pats games when I was a kid? OW-UH YOUTH WAS BETTAH THAN ANYONE ELSE’S YOUTH!

Tommy Sr.: You fackin’ hated the Pats when you were-ah a kid. Fack you, yah little faggot. I wish your whore-ah of a mothah had used a gawddman diaphragm. YOU KIDS AHH USING MY DRINKING MONEY! GET FACKED!

Yeah? Well FACK YOU OLD MAN! I’m my own fackin’ man now! I gawt three jawb applications out they-ah! LOTTA IRONS IN THE FAIH!!!!

Tommy Sr.: Leave me alone, you little facking shit. I WISH I NEVER HAD TO LEAVE MY GAWDDAMN LOBSTAH BOAT.

Gawd, yah gawtta love my Dad, don’t yah, Commish?! Anyway, stawp playing these facking games. No one wants to see a Bradyless NFL. Besides, THE FACKIN’ SAWX COULD STILL WIN THE EAST! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!

Fack you and your-ahs,

Tommy

Photoshop by 289.

UPDATE: Look who threw a big pity party today.