“Okay, Eli, I’m on your side here. We’re gonna get you what you want. Now just turn the ball over, Eli. TURN THE BALL OVER!”

Jim Sorgi going to injured reserve in the preseason might have been thought to be an unfortunate development for the Giants at the time, but his replacement at backup QB, Sage Rosenfels, brings much needed crisis management skills to a team wholly unprepared for when the two Steve Smiths decide to consolidate their power and begin taking hostages.

Steve Smith, Carolina: IMMA PUNCH THEM HOSTAGES YOU DON’T GIMME ME THAT MONEY THAT’S RULES AND REGGALATIONS OF THE GAME, WHICH IS 89.

Steve Smith, New York: He’s serious. I can’t stop him. I think he’s crazy. He’s losing it. You better pay. Just pay. I can’t stop him.

Sage Rosenfels: No one’s getting punched today, guys. We’re all reasonable people. No one likes seeing people get punched. If you punch those people, you’re never gonna get what you want.

Steve Smith, Carolina: FUGGIT I GOT CASH ALREADY. SOMEONE GOT TO GET PUNCHED IN HERE.

[Muffled screams]

Sage Rosenfels: Steve. STEVE! Did you punch someone, Steve Smith? ANSWER ME!

Steve Smith, New York: He punched that baby. I can’t believe he punched that baby.

Sage Rosenfels: [presses walkie-talkie to forehead]

UNRELATED WHORING ALERT: Be sure to check out the first installment of my weekly NFL column, The Designed Rush, over at its new home at SB Nation.

Interchangeable ESPN Anchor: As we know, Panthers receiver Steve Smith will miss training camp thanks to a broken arm suffered while playing in a flag football game. Smith is reported to be out for 10 weeks, but will likely be back in time for the season opener against the Giants. Here to discuss the story is ESPN NFL analyst Cris Carter. How’re you doing today?

Cris Carter: Good, good.

ESPNite: So what do we make of this? Should Steve Smith have been taking part in something like this during the offseason?

Carter: Oh, absolutely not. If I’m Steve Smith, I’m thinking, “what am I thinking?” I am an elite receiver in the National Football League. What am I doing putting himself in a position where I endanger a season, or even my career? Why am I playing games for free? I am a professional athlete. I say save that stuff for when I’m retired.

ESPNite: You’re saying players shouldn’t take part in other athletic endeavors outside of practice?

Carter: [Condescending laugh] Just look at we got this offseason: We got Ryan Clady, HURT. We got Steve Smith, HURT. Those are core players on their teams now missing time because of mindless exercise. I mean, you get hurt in practice, can’t nobody say nothing. That’s practice. That’s part of what you do. But outside stuff? Careless.

ESPNite: So, what then? Players take part in practice and otherwise go about their everyday life without exertion?

Carter: That’s not going nearly far enough. If you are out in public, if you are doing THINGS, then you are subject to injury. Careless, stupid injury.

I’m talking immobilizing yourself. I’m talking getting a padded cell and manacling yourself to the walls. You have one of your boys show up every so often to feed you your three squares. If you he suggests anything other than plastic silverware, you need to cut that man off. He is detrimental to your life as an NFL star.

ESPNite: What of muscle atrophy? Wouldn’t prolonged non movement lead to that?

Carter: Look, I’m not a science doctor. I’m here telling you how I would go about avoiding serious injury. What are we talking about? We’re talking about NFL players getting hurt doing THINGS. Do we have players sidelined because of muscle atrophy? I don’t hear of any. Must be all right, then. Atrophy is just a media created boogie man. It’s the doing things that will get you. I mean, if I were in the NFL right now, I wouldn’t even pick up a newspaper that had serif font. Those things is pointy. Liable to punch yo’ damn eye out.

ESPNite: Okay. Would you care to comment on this file photo we have of you playing a pick-up basketball game when you were with the Eagles?

Carter: Well, that’s a different era, man. We just did things different. If we had known what we know now, I probably would have done things different.

ESPNite: Like what?

Carter: Like not broached this argument.

This clip is all over the Innerwebs today, not to mention that there’s a better than decent chance you caught it last night during the broadcast but we’d be remiss to piggyback on the fun of Steve Smith giving the best postgame interview of the season. “This is why I feed my family. This is why I grew up on the B” becomes my new default non-sequitur in any conversation. Steve, you might have killed my fantasy team early in the season but after this you can punch all the babies you want free of consequence. [SB Nation via Sporting Blog]

C’mon, 49ers fans! Quit being pussies. The Iggles fans just want to challenge you to a friendly game of 4,000 against 3 snowball bombardment. Where’s a D.C. cop when you need one? [Deadspin]

Hey you! Yes, you! Ever wanted to punch a baby, but didn’t know how to do it? Well, you’re in luck! Because now you can learn from America’s top baby punching expert, Steve Smith!

“Hi. I’m Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers. Now that our season is over, I can get back to one true passion in life: punching babies. I’ve made lot of Pro Bowls and earned millions of dollars in my lifetime. But none of that compares to the satisfaction that comes with well-executed baby punch. I’ve punched a lot of things: women, cars, walls, dogs, mirrors, bathroom stall partitions, antelope, Ken Lucas’ stupid face, vaginas, and car rental clerks. BUT BABY PUNCHING IS THE BEST PUNCHING YOU CAN GET.

“I’ve punched over 347 babies in my lifetime. And now, I’d like to share the secrets to my success with you. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT, ASSHOLE? I WILL PUNCH YOU AND YOUR FUCKING KIDS.”

The Steve Smith 5-step baby punching technique is practiced by baby-slaughtering professionals the world over, from Colombia to Nairobi. And now, for the first time ever, Steve is going to show you how to punch babies LIKE A PRO!

STEP ONE: FIND A BABY

STEVE SAYS: “Findin’ babies isn’t hard. You can usually find one or two lying around Darren McFadden’s house. Otherwise, I suggest heading to the grocery store. Lots of women take their babies there. They’re usually sitting in the cart, crying or some shit because they can’t reach a box of Fruit Roll Ups or something. God, babies are so fucking stupid. I can’t wait to find one and then punch the shit out of it. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, BITCH? WELL, MAYBE STEVE SMITH NEEDS TO BREAK YOUR FUCKING EYES.”

STEP TWO: SCOUT THE BABY’S WEAKNESS

STEVE SAYS: “You can’t just go punch a baby right away. You gotta watch them for a bit, so you can pick up on their tendencies. No need to rush. Like this one time, I noticed that whenever this one lady said HOORAY to her baby, the baby raised her arms. That opens up a great path for your fist. So then I went up to the kid and said HOORAY! Then the baby raised her arms and I went BOOM BITCH! Dropped that baby like a damn stone. DAMN, THAT’S GOOD BABY PUNCHING. If that baby didn’t have a shit in her pants before then, she sure did afterwards. AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.”

STEP THREE: BEGIN YOUR WINDUP

STEVE SAYS: “The key to a good windup is to use your whole body. Don’t just cock your arm back. You won’t get good torque that way. You want to twist your entire torso, so that you’re punching that baby with the entire force of your body weight. AND DON’T SKIMP ON THE KNUCKLE TAPE.”

STEP FOUR: PUNCH THE BABY

STEVE SAYS: “Now, plant your right foot forward and deliver a swift blow right to the baby’s face. If you do it right, you won’t even hear the baby cry! It’ll just shut the fuck up. It’s like silencing the crowd on the road. Can’t get better than that. The key is, DON’T BABY THAT BABY. Too many guys get into baby punching thinking it’s easy, and then when they gotta do it, they say, ‘Hey, why am I punching a baby?’ BECAUSE BABIES ARE STUPID, THAT’S WHY. NOW PUNCH THAT BABY, OR I WILL PUMMEL YOUR BALLS. STEVE SMITH SAY IT’S BABY-MASHING TIME.”

STEP FIVE: RUN

STEVE SAYS: “You have to be able to run fast, because the second you punch that baby, the crowd is gonna react. I like to run wind sprints all spring long to keep my calves strong. That way, ain’t no mother out there that can catch me. All they can do is yell and say, ‘AHHHH WHY ARE YOU PUNCHING MY BABY?! WHAT KIND OF MAN PUNCHES INNOCENT CHILDREN?! WHY? MY BABY! MY BABY!’ That’s funny. I PUNCHED YOUR BABY BECAUSE YOUR BABY LACKS HEART. SHE WAS JUST LAYING THERE LIKE A LITTLE BITCH. I’M IN THIS LIFE TO WIN! YOUR BABY JUST GOT OUTCLASSED!

“You got a problem with how I do business? No? Because I’ll fucking drive a car over your fucking parents if you do. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. I AM NOT A NICE PERSON.”