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Eleven Angry Men… And One Super Excited Big Boy

Christmas Ape — Fri, 15 May 2009 18:12:12 +0000

Elisha Manning was all set to get empaneled onto a jury, but his questionnaire revealed a deep-seated bias against people who have stolen antiques. And older brothers. Also, the article reports it was unknown which case Eli was asked to sit in on, though we all know he only showed up to demand that his Plax be set free and allowed to return to his team.

The NFL has agreed to allow Chad Ocho Cinco to wear his new last name on his jersey this upcoming season, but only if it gets conflated to “Ochocinco”. When asked about the ruling, Chad responded, “I don’t want space in my name. Someone could put a chair there.”

Warren Sapp has pinned Tony Romo’s late season failings on trips to the golf course. See, this would have been more convincing had he said Romo wants to lose early just so he can get back to the course earlier than usual, rather than it being a distraction during the season. Also if Sapp had any sort of reputation for being a workout warrior himself during his career, that might’ve bolstered his argument ever so slightly.

The Steelers will visit the White House next Thursday, where Santonio Holmes will personally thank President Obama for ending the War on Drugs and Ben Roethlisberger will wrestle Joe Biden on the South Lawn for a package of Now and Laters.

Hello, I’m Dr. Bummer. I’m Doing My Rounds, And, Uh, I’m A Little Behind.

Christmas Ape — Tue, 05 May 2009 17:30:26 +0000

I’m admittedly a frequent viewer of The Price is Right (though I’ve never masturbated to the show like BDD), as it’s a nicely enjoyable but unremarkable late morning program to have on in the background while whipping up dick jokes on the Internet. Ever since Drew Carey took over hosting duties, however, there has been a profusion of Browns jerseys adorning audience members. Obviously, this is not surprising considering Carey’s connection to the city. But have any of those Brownies fans worn a tapped on Dr. Bummer plate on the back of their jersey, then placed a $69 bid to advance to one of the pricing games? I think not. The obnoxious game show antics advantage has swung decisively in favor of the yinzers.

[PSAMP]

Christmas Ape — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:12:48 +0000

Dan Rooney Named Ambassador to Ireland. Is it because he campaigned hard for Obama or because he signed Sean McHugh? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW!

Hines Ward rolling out his own line of memorabilia?

flubby — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 11:06:00 +0000

Steelers shirts of questionable licensing have been spotted in China. If anyone hears of any “Almondzona 54rdmylz” gear floating around Asia, please give Will Leitch a shout.

[ Mondesi's House ]

Always Be Covering: This is how we do it in the ‘nati

Unsilent Majority — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 19:30:42 +0000

Arming the Ben-Gals with assault weapons is probably the smartest thing the Bengals have ever done.

Welcome to the Week 15 edition of Always Be Covering where we’re pleased to offer you cheerleaders and guns. This week I managed to remember to actually place my bets, so I’m a veritable lock to go down in a blaze of ignominy. Continue after the jump for this week’s choicest picks.

Washington -7 at Cincinnati
Yep, this has awful idea written all over it. The good news is that the Redskins suck slightly less on the road and this week they have the added advantage of going up against an offense that’s even more objectionable than their own. WHEEE! In all seriousness, if the Redskins can’t beat the Bengals by a touchdown then Zorn shouldn’t even bother making the return trip.

Tennessee -3 at Houston
The Titans have won 11 games against the spread, and it looks like Vegas is cool with them picking up number 12. Sure, Schaub is back and Slaton looks awesome, but good god man, they’re still the fucking Texans! LenDale could eat an entire buffet during pregame warmups and still run roughshod over a defense that ranks one spot below the Bengals against the run.

Pittsburgh +2 at Baltimore
Somebody has to put Baltimore in their place (because the Redskins sure couldn’t) and no team is better equipped for that feat than the Steelers. And that my friends, is the last time you’ll have to read anything about the Steelers on this website today. Unless of course Ape turned one of his Terrible Towels into a one of a kind cat sweater for Jean Grey to model. Fortunately I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know how to sew.

Philadelphia -14 vs. Cleveland
Last week Ken Dorsey threw 43 passes for a whopping total of 150 fucking yards. I’d rather spray MACE in my dickhole than watch this team for a single series, and of course this is our Monday Night game. Get fucked, NFL. Get fucked long and hard by a gigantic metal pneumatic cock.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.