Today, Chiefs fans, I resign with my head held high. For you see, I have just laid down the final piece in a foundation that shall secure this franchise another title sometime within the next sixty to seventy centuries. With my brave and daring decision to add to the club by subtracting myself, the final stage of my intricate rebuilding plan can at last be set into motion. You average Joe fans out there who have no clue about what it takes to run a successful organization may not understand it now. But rest assured I have officially put this franchise on the right track.

Now the club can go out and secure top tier players like Jared Allen, had I not traded Allen away. And they can hire a coach who won’t shit his pants during the last 90 seconds of a half. And they can actually invest some time and effort into addressing the QB position. I, Carl Peterson, have made this so. No, no, no, Chiefs fans. Don’t thank me. The pleasure of giving you the model franchise you see before you today was all my own. For I have planted a great phoenix in this pile of soggy ashes! HUZZAH!

Mister Commissioner, after seeing the Cleveland Browns eliminated from postseason play despite a very good 10-6 record, I think it’s time to re-evaluate how our playoff field is set. This is a long, hard season. These men fight tooth and nail for 16 weeks. Why should some teams be rewarded with playoff slots merely because they have the good fortune of residing in an inferior conference? And why should some teams be denied entrance merely because they are inferior?

This is why I think it’s best for the competitive interests of the game if we were to expand the playoff field to 28 teams. Now, I’m not saying this because the team I run, the Kansas City Chiefs, would qualify as the 28th seed in such a scenario. Far from it. Although we did have an EXCELLENT season given the circumstances. Don’t listen to the swarm of negativity out there, Commissioner. We have a great core of players, and I’m quite sure every personnel move I made was the exact right one and will be validated sometime within the next 37 years. No doubt about that.

No, I want to expand the field to 28 teams because it’s in the best interests of the fans. Haven’t Lion fans suffered long enough? 7-9 is a really good record for that team. They should be in. The Ravens nearly beat the Patriots! Are you telling me they don’t deserve a bid? That’s foolish. And what about the Falcons? After all they’ve been through? Surely they deserve a spot.

Now, not everyone should get into the playoffs. Like the Dolphins. Fuck them. Or the Rams. Fuck them. They totally suck. I’m all for only the elite teams making the postseason. And since I am among the elite general managers in all of sport, surely my team should be included as well. Doesn’t that make sense to you? WE HAVE JARED FUCKING ALLEN! THAT’S A PLAYOFF PLAYER RIGHT THERE!

I also think we should all get postseason bye weeks. Why should only the best teams get a week off? That’s an unfair competitive advantage. No, no, no. Everyone should get a week off. Then the top 4 teams get another bye, then the remaining 24 teams play each other. I think that’s really the best way to go. Though I think, given the Chiefs’ heritage and everything Lamar Hunt has done for the league, that perhaps we should receive one of those byes as well. Again, this is strictly in the interests of the fans. This is a better league when the Chiefs do well, even when they do not.

So let’s make that happen, Mr. Commissioner. Otherwise, I’ll have a hard time convincing people I’m not a complete fuckhead.