Face it, your life sucks. You weekdays are boring, you sleep through your weekends, and even your most eventful evenings are scattered among nights of cheap, fatty dinners and sessions of underhanded self-loathing. You are hardly redeemable as a human being. And we would know.

Fortunately for you (and for us), Hollywood never lets facts get in the way of bad cinema. The screenplay documenting your shitty existance, after a few focus meetings and a near-infinite number of re-writes, will be perfect for the silver screen. Remember the time you fucked that hot blonde in the back room at Piggly Wiggly? Neither do we! But there it is, on page 70, written out in all its artistic glory.

Today, good people, you are casting the person that would play you in this movie.

The Rules:

Think Steve McQueen circa The Cincinnati Kid or Adam Sandler circa Happy Gilmore. They do not have to be alive today.

Don’t let your movie go to shit because your main guy bailed two weeks before shooting to be the next General Zod. Get a backup, but wait 10 picks before doing so. Same as always.

With the first pick, I’ll keep it contemporary and select the incomparable Don Cheadle. Black people are always cooler than white people. Plus, this guy could read a fucking Human Resources policy book and leave me transfixed. Fortunately, making my life interesting will be only slightly more difficult than that.

Get to it.

There’s a really crucial point that you fucking media people need to pick up on, and that point is this: Dipshittery does not an analyst make. HEY LOOK I AM RAISING MY VOICE AND WAVING MY HANDS AROUND TO PUNCH THIS GREAT…eh, you get the idea.

You probably already know that ESPN, who is determined to make you hate sports before you die, has hired Keyshawn Johnson as an analyst for its once-heralded NFL pregame show. What might surprise you is that Key is ALREADY being heralded as pro football’s answer to Charles Barkley. Quoting the SI piece.

I’m not saying that Johnson will be as good as Barkley — who is? But like Barkley, Johnson will be the same kind of magnetic personality that can give genuine life to those roundtables where the energy and hilarity often feel forced.

I’d like to comment on Keyshawn’s analyst debut at the Draft, but I was too busy not drinking (don’t ask) and making ill-advised wagers on where Brady Quinn would finally come off the board. But it’s tough to hire someone for that panel that’s less likable than noted white people/gym-teachers-in-waiting. Merrill Hoge and Mark Schlereth, both dipshits.

Vince Young may have been a proficient college quarterback, but this is the NFL, and to succeed here, you’ve gotta HEY G0DAMMIT DON’T KICK THE VOLLEYBALL!

But what is this magnetic personality of which you speak? Magnetic…as in getting deactivated while perfectly healthy because he was such a little bitch? Magnetic…as in changing into a Steelers jersey after his Bucaneers won the NFC title?

He’ll probably step in and do well, and good for him. He’ll have plenty of insight, seeing as he’s played for half the teams in the league at one point or another.

But Keyshawn won’t measure up to Barkley…at all. Chuck is so good, so LIKEABLE, that one becomes upset after realizing that one must tune into the NBA to enjoy his insight. Keyshawn will never have that problem, as his role will simply be to open his mouth and fill minutes of a show that’s already too long, to say just enough, and then pass the ball back to the Combover in time for a circle-the-wagons comment, or some other shit.

And, frankly, the comparison pisses me off. Barkley is a genuine guy that says what’s on his mind. Keyshawn is a whore. And while the hire originally had many of us nodding our heads in agreement, Keyshawn will turn out to be little more than Michael Irvin with a more caucasian wardrobe, which is probably all they wanted anyway.