Public address: Now boarding United Airlines Flight 1274 to San Diego at Gate B32. Now boarding Flight 1274 at Gate B32.

Ticket agent: Please pay attention to the assigned section on your ticket. We’ll begin by seating first and executive classes. Please have your boarding passes ready.

Mhmm. Okay. Thank you. Enjoy your flight.

Mhmm. Okay. Thank you. Enjoy your flight.

And you sir?

[Luggage flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaayyyyyy

Where’s the section for throbbing pulsar QBs who throw fewer picks than Golden Boy Brady? All that dirty, awful sex outside the bonds of marriage done clouded his mind with sin. The mind should be clouded with unreleased sexual energy, dammit!

There’s gotta be some sort of football-shaped superstructure for me attached to the plane with shelves of the latest leather bound books on abstainance and items to throw slowly at the wall to ease my animalistic urges.

Agent: I’ll have to check on that.

Rivers: In the meantime, I’ve got a technical question: where can I stow these cumbersome knee braces? If I may, I’d like to keep them lodged in my useless running back’s duodenum. I hope you painstakingly searched his bags for unlawful containers of pussy juice.

[slaps Tomlinson on the back, kicks his suitcase]

90 PERCENT READY!? THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID ALL FUCKING WEEK, YOU SMOLDERING SACK OF GOAT LEAVINGS! MY ACL IS SLICED TO MEXICAN RIBBONS AND I PLAYED THE ENTIRE FUCKING GAME! AND YOU! 90 PERCENT GETS YOU TWO FUCKING CARRIES!? WHAT DOES THAT EXTRA 10 PERCENT GET YOU? ANOTHER BLOCK ON A PASSING DOWN? ANOTHER THREE MINUTES OF ANAL, YOU BASELESS FORNICATOR! MAYBE THE ENERGY IT TAKES TO REMOVE YOUR HELMET WHILE SITTING IN YOUR PUFFY COAT ALL GAME ON THE SIDELINES?! BUT YOU COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT!

Tomlinson: coldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcold

Rivers: You know what? I’ve found a new seatmate on the plane!

[Pulls over Michael Turner]

Now let’s see you finish the Sudoku without my help, asshole! Hope they give you extra blankets you can swaddle yourself in when the puzzle turns tough. And if you even try to play my Nintendo DS without asking, I’ll hang you from the wing by your silly facemask and dangle your vagina dry at 40,000 feet.

[Plane cabin]

Rivers: What the fuck, Turner? What’re you doing sitting with Tomlinson? We were supposed to watch Into the Wild together and rethink our life choices!

Turner: I dunno. I was reading the book version and he just flumped down.

Tomlinson: (yawning) Aaaahhh, yeah, Phil. In so much pain, can’t move nowzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Rivers: Coddammit. Now I know I’m gonna get stuck sitting next to Merriman. Just wait ’til the ‘roid tremors start and he tries to pick clean my head with the plastic dinner cutlery again. And he chews so loud, we use it in practice to simulate crowd noise.

If I have to put up with that, I gotta take a piss first.

Flight attendant: No, you must take your seat, sir. We’re initiating take-off procedure. You may go to the bathroom once the pilot has indicated that passengers may move throughout the cabin.

Rivers: YOU ARE BRINGER OF PILLOWS AND DRINKS, NOT THE IMPEDER OF TINKLE TRIPS! You want me to have to wait until we’re in the air? What if the runway is backed up and we have to sit in line for 30 minutes? What, then? I clench my fists for lack of sexual AND bodily waste release? Got something on your airline safety card for that? Huh? With clenched fists and soiled seats? Huh? FUCK YOU

[Walks to bathroom door, opens it, revealing Shawne Merriman]

Merriman: RRRGGRRAARRRR! Finally, mobile rape chamber is complete!

[Pulls in Rivers, slams door shut]

Rivers: NONONONONO I’M CELIBATE! I’M CELIBATE!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jaguars rookie safety Reggie Nelson, part of a defensive unit that allowed Tom Brady to complete an NFL record 92.9 percent of his passes Saturday night, dismissively remarked of Brady to reporters after the game, “He ain’t all that … He’s all right.”

What might strike some as smacking of bitterness after being ripped in historic fashion by the league’s MVP is actually in keeping with Nelson’s tendency of being difficult to impress. Here follows a sampling of some of the best of his blase.

“‘I Have a Dream’? Shit. That ain’t new. We ALL have dreams.”

“The Beatles? Meh. I guess Revolver was okay.”

“Water into wine??? What good is wine if the motherfucker ain’t going to make some cheese too?”

“3:10 to Yuma was good, if you’re into remakes. Which I’m not.”

“Why would I want indoor plumbing? The outhouse is holdin’ up fine.”

“Picasso? A genius? Please. Have you seen that Cubist crap? It’s the EXACT SAME THING as Braque!!!”

“Language? Pfft. Whatever. We was doing all right grunting and writing glyphs on the wall.”

“Why would I want to convert to Fiat? The gold standard is doing great!”

“Philip Rivers is a dickbag. But he’s no Dane Cook.”

“Jonas Salk? Pussy. I had polio once. I got my ass out of bed, caught three interceptions and banged a stewardess on the flight home.”

“If you ask me A Brief History of Time is an amusing work of harebrained conjecture but ultimately irrelevant.”

“Y’all think Amy Winehouse is having a fucked-up time? Shit. I call that ‘Tuesday Night.’”

“Sure, the Mariana Trench is deep. But I’ve met girls with deeper chatches.”

“Sir Edmund Hillary was great, yeah. He still died, though, didn’t he?”

“The Great Wall of China? What’s so great about it? ‘s just one wall. You can just walk around it. Don’t protect you from the rain neither.”

[Shown picture of Adriana Lima]

(yawns) “Too old.”

“Why’s Fibonacci gotta have a whole sequence named after him? That’s greedy. I get by okay with just one number.”

“‘Birth of Venus’”? [makes jerk-off motion with hand]

“You liked No Country for Old Men? Get the fuck out. The ending was stupid!”

“Al-Qaeda? More like Shit Qaeda. They were, what, three of four on 9/11? Hell, Tom Brady had a better completion percentage on Saturday, and we already know he ain’t all that.”

“Yeah, the Burj Dubai is pretty tall, but I bet you can’t get good barbecue there.”