Here was Mike Martz last week after the 4th down and goal that Desmond Clark dropped against the Packers. I’m still not sure how the Bears ended up winning that game, but they managed somehow. The Giants, meanwhile, have been thoroughly outplayed by the Colts and Titans the past two weeks. Elisha made a chest pass that was picked off. Jay Cutler tried a few that should have been picked off. Who’s to say how many careless throws the two passers will combine for tonight?

In the day games, the Fat Humps fell to 0-2 vs their AFC South rivals after Josh Scobee hit a 59-yard game-winner in OT. The 49ers wasted a 14-0 lead over the Falcons to fall to 0-4. The Ravens barely beat Charlie Batch. T.O. exploded in a losing effort to the Browns. Kevin Kolb takes over for Mark Sanchez in the Checkdown of Month Club. The Rams are tied for first place in a reality the we cannot escape.

This season the Dick/turd Feelers are letting every QB on the planet drive on their defense for winning scores. They let The Incredible Sulk, Jay Cutlerfu*ker do it, they allowed Cornhole Palmer to do it, then deepthroat hot dogs at them in derision. They look at me and say “you violated me in the last minute with your eyes, you did it with your eyes.”

NOW COMES THE LASERFACE TROIKA! THAT’S RUSSIAN FOR “THIRD STRAIGHT DICK KICKING”! YOU ESCAPED THE MARMALARD REVENGE/COACHING KILL TOUR LAST YEAR! YOU WON’T BE SO FORTUNATE NOW!

And this is how I’m gonna do it.

…

…

Ahem!

PLAY ME ON, DOUBLE-L COOL NEGRO!

L.L. Cool J: That’s when Philip Rivers goes all LAST MINUTE TD DRIVE

Yeah. Be more quick about that next time. See, my super soldiers are gonna let you feel good about yourself and have a lead most of the game, maybe even let you pin us inside our 10 inside two minutes while behind four points. THAT’S WHEN A COILED LASERFACE STRIKES! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? ANOTHER CRUSHING LOSS FOR THE SUPER BOWL CRAMPS!!

1st and 10 from own 3 (1:49 remaining) — Fake hand-off to LaToeInjury and kick him in the back of the knee as he runs past, complete 16-yard pass over the middle to Gates

1st and 10 from own 19 (1:34 remaining) — Throw up middle finger at all the retard yinzers, penalized half the distance to the goal

1st and 20 from own 10 (1:34 remaining) — Spike the ball ’cause I don’t give a fuck

2nd and 20 from own 10 (1:32 remaining) — Distract James Harrison by tell him his girlfriend is getting uppity, hit Vincent Jackson down the seam for 45 yards. Call timeout with my cock.

1st and 10 from Steelers 45 (1: 20 remaining) — Mistaken listen to Norv and hand ball to LaToeInjury. Recover his fumble in the backfield while landing on Steeler linebacker’s knee. Clock runs.

2nd and 15 from 50. (One minute remaining) — Take knee for sport.

3rd and 17 from own 47 (:30 remaining) — Norv predictably says run Tiny Darren up the gut. Knee him in his own gut. Execute epic float that hangs in the air long enough for Polamalu to get well and run back onto the field. Drag him down by his bitchy hair and snag float myself for touchdown that I spike on Mike Tomlin’s glasses.

Skip out of town, only after putting one in the pink. THAT’S THE PINK FOUNTAIN, REPROBATE SCUM!

Then I unrape all the girls Ben has given the retard seed to! All I need is some Jonas Brothers records and Chargers jerseys! But not the body paint harlot! Unpure thoughts hand beneath the sky blue!

Finally, it’s time for some SUNDEE Night Footbaw, starring the Raljon Redskins and the Balmer Ravens. Ape has already detailed the Battle of the Beltways (two s’s not one because we don’t share a single beltway, otherwise we’d have to interact with one another on far too regular a basis) and I’ve provided my needlessly detailed analysis for the peacock (to think, the msm thinks the blogosphere is obscene!) so there really isn’t to much more to say. Except for “fuck Baltimore” of course. Because that’s always worth saying. Anyway, continue after the jump for some thoughts on what we’ve seen so far today, and follow along in the open thread.

-Hey, did you see Visanthe Shiancock on FOX in between games? The pv’s from that junk are gonna buy Punte one classy date! Thank god his head wasn’t bare, because that would have been pretty fucking obscene.

-FOX really overused that refrain music in the Pittsburgh-Dallas game. You don’t need to play sad music when Pacman is brutally slammed into the rock hard turf of Heinz Field, just give it one of these.

-As you are undoubtedly aware, my picks were perfect this afternoon heading into the Steeler-Cowboy affair (fuck you, Tashard Choice), but what you don’t know is that my dumb ass forgot to actually place the bets. Seriously, I’m an expert here.

-Tony Romo is my fucking hero (even if Jason Witten is taking the fall for running the wrong route). Now all the Redskins have to do is pick up one of those “wins” they used to get fairly regularly.

-Needless to say, I was desperate for this action this afternoon so I put a few bucks on the Chiefs juicy moneyline and tossed together a teaser with New England, Pittsburgh, and the Jets. Damn it Congress, when will you save me from myself?!

-The New York Jets are fucking garbage and I hate myself for ever thinking otherwise.

-It sure was fun watching some vintage Elisha Manning. He’s gonna have a good cry tonight on his Dora pillow.

-Buffalo can play in Siberia and they’ll still be garbage. Especially with that abortion of a quarterback.