Yes, that’s David Garrard tearing up the dance floor with a bunch of white people at some wedding. I only point that out because that fact is what will keep him from having to explain why he was running around in “public” without sufficient body covering (see: Young, Vince). Really, this just points to the fact that David Garrard is just like us; a big, sweaty guy that can’t dance (More pics after the jump).  (more…)

Silky Garrard: Ah, yes, hello sir. Please, please, do make yourself comfortable. You strike my eye as a man of exquisite tastes and insatiable appetites. I can tell that you’re interested in the higher end of our bouquet of delectations.

Or, perhaps, in a manner of speaking, it’s not the “higher end” that you seek at all.

Just a joke, sir. I can see that you are a man that does not take his pleasure-seeking lightly. I admire such qualities.

Let us get to the business at hand.

But first, a glass of the house red. Doesn’t that go down smooth?

Ben Roethlisberger: HI DAVID

Silky: No one but my mother gets to refer to me by that name, good sir. But I know you won’t make that mistake again. [Pulls back suit to reveal gun holster] Will you?

Enough of formalities. Let us be frank: I can assure you that you are in for an evening of the finest in corporeal delights.

Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF I DON’T WANNA CARPOOL

Silky: …No.

No…

I shouldn’t think so.

You know, I think I have a specimen might be just right for you.

This is Georgia. Let me promise you that this statuesque figure you see before you is 100 percent woman. Never a man. Check for scars. No, not there, over here. She’s merely been on a steady diet of growth hormones since she was seven, which makes her both your equal in stature and intellectual capacity.

Roethlisberger: CAN SHE BLOCK?

Silky: She can render any service it is that you desire. And all for the modest price of… how much do you have on you?

Roethlisberger: HINES DOESN’T LET ME CARRY MONEY

Silky: So you got nothing?

Roethlisberger: GOTS OWIE IN MY KNEESPOT

Silky: Tiny! Please show this man the exit. And the wall next to it.

[Int. Toyota 4Runner parked in a darkened lot]

Matt Jones: [snorts line] YEAAAAAAARRGH! I’m tellin’ you boys, there’s nothing better than knocking back a few rails with your boys from Arkansas. Am I right, or am I right?

[passes the coke]

Jared and Benjamin: Hell yeah!

Matt: Yeah! And this is some good shit too, I can already feel myself becoming a better receiver. Mike Irvin may not admit it, but this shit is the secret to his success.

Jared: It’s also good for numbing your dick!

[silence]

Jared: What? I was just sayin’…

Matt: Yeah, thanks for sharing. [snorts line] Youknow, asmuchasI loveholingup ina darkcar withmyboys, [snorts line] thispartyneedssomefreshsnapper!

Benjamin: Easy Matty boy, you’re starting to talk really fast. Besides, all I haven’t even gotten a rail yet, I’ve only gotten a recessed filter full.

Matt: [hits a joint] My fault Benj, here, help yourself to some of this. [punches Benjamin in the face]

Benjamin: Fuck man! Why the fuck did you hit me?

Matt: Because now I’m a fucking superstar, and you better show the proper respect. [snorts line] Now hand me that goddamn phone, I know just who to call to turn this dickfest into a real party.

Benjamin: Sure thing, Matty.

[dials]

Matt: SILKY, my man! I’muphereinArkansasandIneedsomeofyoursweetcumbuckets!

Silky Garrard: Excuse me? Might I suggest taking some deep breaths, and then you can start by identifying yourself and addressing me as Mr. Garrard.

Matt: [hits joint] It’s me Silky, it’s Matt Jones.

Silky: Who?

Matt: MATT JONES! The one and only, you can’t clone me.

Silky: Hello Matthew. Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable discussing business at my newly renovated offices? All of our furnishings are now 100% suede, scotchguarded of course for sanitary purposes.

Matt: [snorts line] Nowayman, I’m in Arkansas partying with myboys and we need some pussy here, now!

Silky: But Matthew, all of my finest ladies are here waiting for you. I’ve even installed a new entertainment pole made from the brass salvaged off of an 18th century shipwreck. Allow me to send you a picture of what you can expect.

Matt: I don’t give a shit about your fancy whores, I just need somebody to get their cottage cheese ass up to Arkansas for some dirty fuckin’. We’ve got coke and everything, we just need some of that filthy snatch you’ve got! [snorts line]

Silky: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that last part. Did you say something about cocaine?

Matt: You’re goddamnrightSilky! It’s a fuckin’ party!

Silky: I’m afraid I cannot continue with this conversation Matthew, I’ll have to hang up the phone now.

Matt: Can you hear me now? [screams into phone] I SAID IVE GOT A SHITLOAD OF COCAINE HERE AND I NEED SOME WOMEN WHO I CAN PAY FOR SEX!

[Police officer knocks on window]

Matt: What the fuck do you want?

Officer: Put your hands where I can see them and exit the car slowly.

Matt: Don’t you know who I am? I’M THE GREAT WHITE MOTHERFUCKIN’ HYPE! I SCORED FOUR TOUCHDOWNS LAST YEAR! So back down, bitch.

Officer: [reaches for taser]

Oh, hello there! Welcome back in. Do you like the new tile floor? I had it shipped in from Corsica, where it had been shipped in from Toledo. Walk on it for a second. Go on. Just walk.

(You walk.)

Isn’t that incredible? Feels like you’re just wading out of the Mediterranean, does it not?

(You nod.)

Can I have one of my associates bring you an aperitif? You can choose between caffeinated schnapps and caffeinated rose wine. No? Not thirsty? Very well, then. As you can see, we’ve been doing a bit of renovating up here. I recently came into agreement with one of my business partners that ensured me a very hefty return. I won’t talk exact figures, because that is uncouth, but let’s just say it’s valued somewhere between $59 million and $61 million. Somewhere in there.

As such, I have been able to dramatically upgrade the facilities here, so much so that we are now considered a first-class facility. By me. And I knows them hos.

Take a look around. You will find now that each room contains a fresh pair of Wigwam socks for wiping away ejaculate. And each room is equipped with a small bucket of saliva milked from the glands of children from the Burber tribe in East Morocco. The spit of these Burber children has long been prized for its warmth and lubrication ability. There is no additional charge to use these amenities, except for the $750 convenience charge.

But there’s more. We also have whips made from real leather now. And the fur on our handcuffs is made from 100% chinchilla. I know how itchy faux fur can be on the wrists. All our sheets are now 20% satin. Which is a dramatic improvement. While we still do not provide box springs, or headboards, I think you’ll still find it a real treat to hollow out a chick so close to a new tile floor.

We also provide monogrammed condoms upon request. I quite enjoy it. I myself have six middle names, so it’s always fun to see how many letters deep I can go. It’s also comforting to know your penis has been personalized. No one will mistake it for another, as so often happens.

We’ve also supplied every room with free trial packs of RU486. Until they run out, then I’ll have to ask Dr. Escobar for another freebie.

Do you like yanking knotted rags out of a woman’s backside? All our rags are now 100% cotton. And I have taken step to ensure that all of our girls have shaved anuses, even the Filipinos. Because it’s most unladylike for a lady to have stray black hairs popping out of her asscrack.

We also have towels now! Feel this!

(You feel it.)

That’s 100% terrycloth. The real thing.

We’ve also upgraded some of our toys. Room 102 has a three-pronged dildo now. Looks like a pitchfork. What’s the third prong for? I leave that to your imagination. Our bondage tables have also been refurbished. No more wobbly legs on those things! Ever see a client fall off the table while still attached to a pair of nipple clamps? Not fun.

But let’s get to the most serious upgrade of all. I know what you’re really curious about, and the answer is YES. We now have a full compliment of real WHITE WOMEN on the premises. That’s right, white women: the filet mignon of hookerdom. Our stable now includes over 40% white women, which qualifies us for capital letter status in the Zagat Escort Guide. I got this batch straight from Latvia. They don’t speak English, but they know their tongues.

This is Catrina. She came here in a shipping container with 50 tons of Chinese cabbage. Careful with her. She’s still trying to get used to open environments.

This is Jelena. She has no legal documentation. So if you’re okay with her being 18, and she’s okay with being 18, then I too am okay with her being 18.

This is Morgan. Get on the waiting list now and she can provide “care” for you sometime in 2021. Hope you health insurance. Not because she’s a real nurse, but because she’ll ride you till you break.

And this is Marlene. I think she’s someone aunt. Anyway. She needed a place to stay. So there you go.

Of course, having more white women means having more white collar prices. We’ve had to make some adjustments to our structure. Do you have a spare home you can use for collateral?

(You nod.)

Excellent. That’ll do. Grab your lawyer and we’ll get you lashed to a chair with a carrot up your ass in no time.

I know what it’s like to be a man of integrity. Despite what the papers and, on occasion, the authorities have had cause to say about me, I’m an honest businessman and, you, a servant of the people.

It appears our arrangement may have landed you in a spot of hot water. For this, I am sorry. When entering into such a transaction, I’m afraid there’s the expectation of a considerable amount of risk for someone of your position. Xiochita tells me of your many positions.

You have been a valued customer, to be sure. Your night-long sessions with the Diabolical Diana at $5,500 an hour put me in pink Gators for life.

I hope with arrival of your sudden legal trouble there won’t be the temptation to tell the authorities of our dealings. It would accomplish little to palliate your predicament. I also think the consequences could be somewhat dire for your loved ones, as well as your friend and fellow client, Mr. Umenyiora.

Many have called you something of a latter-day Eliot Ness. I suppose I should have foreseen this being something of a problem. There can’t be two of us, you see. I mean, look at my hat! The role was clearly mine for always.

Hello! Welcome to Roxbury! Glad you could make it. Pardon our appearance. We’ve set up a makeshift camp here for the week. I know it’s not optimal conditions. But we do have deluxe Aerobeds, and we do have a small stock of Purell in each room. So I think you will find that, even as we rough it, we can still manage to do it in luxury. Anyway, would you care to join me for a quick sip of Charles Shaw?

Good.

(pours you a glass)

I tell you, you will not find a better Merlot under three dollars. Or, in your case, twenty-seven dollars for one glass. Are you comfortable standing? Perhaps we should retire to the divan. Come! Let us sit.

(sits on divan)

Do you like this divan? It’s from Turkey, which I’m told is a very exotic place that is not on this continent, where they eat various stewed meats. Often, after a long night, me and the girls will retire onto the divan to share finger sandwiches and do some light fisting. Go ahead. Sit back. That’s right. Just lean on your elbows. Isn’t that comfy?

Do I take credit cards? No, I’m afraid not. Too much of a paper trail. Are you in need of cash? Because there is an ATM machine just fourteen blocks over. I’m happy to wait as you get it. No? You’re good? Very well, then. Let us bring out the girls. SHARRAINE! GET THE GIRLS!

Juanita: Hello. I’m Juanita.

Juanita comes to us from Puerto Rico. She’s a grandmother, if that sort of thing suits you. Obviously, she knows her way around breeding. I must be honest. Juanita is very businesslike. Very stern. If you cross her, she’s liable to beat you with her shoe. Some sort of maternal reaction, I think. But I have to tell you, on most days, she’s very good. And she talks a surprisingly filthy game. I think it’s a function of Puerto Ricans living in such tight quarters. No secrets between those people. She’s not afraid to ask you to pull the hairs in her asscrack.

Jasmine: Hello. I’m Jasmine.

Oooh, Jasmine! Very, very elegant woman. She demands only the best of the best. I’ve seen her abruptly leave the checkout line at CVS if she’s made to wait too long. She’s very mysterious. Always sort of looking right through you. I almost think of her as some sort of big-chested housecat. She will bite without warning. Some guys are into that. Some are not.

Black Rose: I’m Black Rose.

Mmmm! The black cherry on my mansundae. You know I found her lying in an alley? She doesn’t remember a THING about her past. It’s kind of thrilling. Anyway, Black Rose is a very popular girl with our regular patrons. Very innovative. One customer stuck a bicycle pump in her. I thought that was rather ribald. She can get VERY nasty. Don’t be afraid to make permanent thumbprints on her body. But do be a gentlemen. 30% of her body is covered with razor burn.

So there are your choices. What do you think? Not bad, eh?

What do you mean, are there any more?

Well, I tried to go to great pains to show you my very finest ladies. I didn’t skimp. I almost brought Sasha with me, but she’s currently in a legal entanglement I cannot divulge. Surely, one of these fine women has caught your eye.

What do you mean, you’ll take Jasmine for half the price? I’m sorry, but these prices are not negotiable. We are not an outlet store for high-class pussy. We are the Hermes flagship store.

I think I know what’s really going on here. I was told this might happen by other players. It’s my understanding that you New England gentlemen are unwilling to pay full price for one of my Nubian princesses. Isn’t that right? “No daaaaakies,” as I’ve heard Patriot fans call them? Isn’t that what you’re really telling Silky Garrard? That you are both discriminatory and thrifty with cash, as all Boston gents are?

Well, that’s unfortunate. I thought we were past this as a society. I see no reason why non-white women don’t deserve the same, good, hard meat stuffing as a white girl. Are we not one world? Didn’t they teach you manners at Andover, or whatever fancy lily-white school you attended? I should have realized something was amiss. I take great umbrage, Sir. And, I must say, I think you are wrong. 80% of all the white women I’ve bedded have been about as exciting as fucking a dead halibut. But THESE women! These women have ambition! They didn’t just get the penis handed to them! They had to fight for every cock they got! And believe me, they bang like it.

Still want a white girl, eh? Oh, whatever. Fine. BRING HER OUT.

Linda: I’m Linda.

This is Linda. She’s a disgruntled 50-year-old housewife from Marblehead looking for some excitement. I hear she’s about as fun as fucking the headboard. Be my guest.

And give me back the Charles Shaw. It’s too good to share with a man of such poor taste. This goes on your bill.

Oh, hello there. Please, please. Come on in. Can I have Michelle take your coat? MICHELLE! Take this man’s coat, will you?

(girl wearing a beige body stocking takes your coat and smiles at you)

Can I have Leanna pour you a drink? Some port, perhaps? Excellent.

(pours you a glass of port)

Would you mind if I also partake? Oh, very well then!

(pours himself a glass of port)

Cheers to you, my new friend. Mmmm. Very nice. Very tawny. There’s a whole wildberry essence to it… very good. Well, let’s take a seat, shall we?

WHOA WHOA WHOA! Please, put that money away. You’ll present money to one of the ladies. We don’t handle it out in the open here. It’s very uncouth. Let us instead simply toast to a fine evening. Let us share a brief moment of civility. How are you? Are you feeling well? Are you a police officer?

No? Good. Did you know officers, by law, have to answer that last question honestly? Isn’t that interesting? Now, if you don’t mind, I need to have Tiny here pat you down. TINY!

(Tiny pats you down)

Well, that’s a relief! Now, let’s discuss some specifics. I understand you’re looking for intercourse, is that correct?

(You nod.)

Good! Because if you’re looking for intercourse under $300, you’ve found the right man. I offer premium quality at reasonable prices. And I am a stickler for customer service. We have evaluation forms you can fill out at the end of your session. Now, a couple of basic rules:

-You must pay your girl prior to the beginning of your session
-You must use a condom. We will provide them. We have flavored ones available upon request.
-You must take off your shoes before entering the room.
-Some girls do anal. Some do not. You must ask. No surprise visits, please.
-You will not receive a receipt.
-All sessions are audiotaped for quality assurance.
-No rough stuff.

Remember, these are ladies. Please treat them with the same respect you would treat your own mother when you ejaculate on their faces. Do you have any problem with any of these rules?

(You shake your head.)

Good. Tiny will be in the adjacent suite, lest things get too out-of-hand. But you don’t strike me as the unruly sort. Now. Let’s bring out the girls, shall we? GIRLS!

Chanel: I’m Chanel.

Chanel is very, very popular with our regulars. She’s very quick to pick up on what you like and what you don’t. She’s also works the shaft very well during blowjobs. Take it from me! I only ask that you not pull her hair, because it will come off if you do that.

Yvette: I’m Yvette.

Yvette comes to us from Taiwan. Very exotic. Very good with oils and lubricants. What she doesn’t know in English, she really makes up for with her enthusiasm for new and adventurous things, like a blowing you while riding a sybian machine.

Nene: I’m Nene.

Ah, Nene! One of our favorites. She hails from St. Thomas. Customers have been very quick to praise her ability to put them at ease. She’s very playful, Very friendly. Unless you don’t want her to be. She can get really nasty and tear your dick off if you want. But mostly, she’s very sunny.

Sasha: I’m Sasha.

Everyone always picks Sasha. Dunno why. Unfortunately, she’s booked until 2014. I’m sorry. She’s very in demand.

So anyway, there are your choices. Personally, I don’t think you can go wrong. I can personally attest to the fact that these women all have premium grade genitalia. No scarring or flappy lips of any kind. Only two of them have had children. So that’s very good.

So, who’s it gonna be?

(You think.)

Tough to decide, isn’t it? Well, take your time. No need to be hasty. Let us enjoy this port a little more.

The port is $50, by the way.