We’ve got a full sack this week, so let’s get right into it. If you want to be in next week’s fantasy/sex mailbag, email us here. Now, let’s slap your questions on the ass and take the deep plunge.

Hey guys, I’m a college freshman and there is this guy that lives across the hall from me who enjoys having sex with his door open. How do I break the news to him that it’s a bad idea to leave the door open?

-Schuffalufagas

MAJ SAYS: Take pictures.

UFFORD SAYS: Walk in and take pictures.

THE ENTIRE WORLD SAYS: Take a fucking picture.

As for the fantasy question, if you have running back depth like that, do you really need our help? Jesus. Spin a wheel, you lucky dick.

I graduated from BU and just came across this in the news about a girl I tried to get with back in college, but she shot me down.

-D

How could you miss out on the sex if she shot you down before? You were never in position to get that crazy love to begin with. You’re lucky she didn’t shoot you down by quite literally shooting you down. My favorite quite from that article, by the way…

“She was a feisty girl, but I can’t imagine her stabbing someone . . . She just had a definite opinion about things.”

Yes, I’d say she’s rather fervent about her stances. Start Thigpen.

Dear KSK,

Thanks,
IRONMIKE

THE HOOK! We knew a kid in prep school who supposedly had a dick that was nearly at a right angle. He practically had to stand sideways in the stall. Anyway, if you’ve got The Hook, I’d recommend you see a penile orthodontist to have it straightened out, either with braces, or the little known Invisalign: Penile Edition. Failing that, the position I’d recommend for you is the Sideways Chubby Checker. Be sure to thrust your left hip only!

Bench Jackson.

KSK,

-S. Jaffe

Is your coworker Troy McClure? How does one fuck someone like a dolphin? Do you have to shriek like a deaf person during the act? Anyway, I’d go right ahead and let her buy the flippers and wetsuit. You know much a wetsuit costs? That’s good value. And if she wants you to feed her fish, or make sonar bleeps during intercourse, or ensnare her in some sort of tuna net, go for it. Sounds fun to me.

Start Cassel.

KSK,

-M

If she’s enthusiastic, I don’t think it should be all that hard to offer advice. If you’re just honest with her and say, “I love it when you do that, but I’d also kind of like it if you were to…” and then go into whatever you like: gravy blowjobs or whatever.

I wouldn’t keep Hines or LJ if it meant an extra draft pick. Otherwise, keep LJ, I guess.

Dir Sirs,

Thank you,
Mr. S

I don’t know any web-run fantasy league that would let you change your roster during game play, even if you ARE commissioner. But, if this is true, it is indeed diabolical. Obviously, she must be required to forfeit that week’s game. She also should be stripped of her commissioner status. As for marital punishment, some sort of hogtying is probably in order.

Dear KSK,

Jon G.

MAJ SAYS: The key is finding a casino where you can get a rub and tug from the pai gow dealer right at the table.

DREW SAYS: It’s not cheating if it’s with an Asian lady! Start Clayton.

Gay Mafia-
My girlfriend never seems to be in the mood to have sex at convenient times. She’s constantly exhausted at night (she’s in grad school) and wants to fall asleep as soon as she gets in bed, but she also hates staying in bed late in the morning. Which means virtually the only time she wants to have sex is in the middle of the day, which would be awesome if I didn’t work a normal 9-to-5 job. She often gets in the mood while we’re doing some inane errand during the weekends, which pisses me off because then I’m stuck buying window treatments at West Elm instead of at home having sex. How can I get her to want to have sex at a NORMAL FUCKING TIME, like when we’re in bed together at night?

Who should I start between Roethlisberger and Tyler Thigpen at QB, and Joseph Addai, Clinton Portis, Steve Slaton and Tim Hightower at 2 RB spots?

This is so beyond true. “Omigod, I wish you had been here at 2PM! I was sooooo horny!” Well, good for you, Missy. I was busy jacking it in the work toilet. Pay me a visit for lunch, dammit.

I’ve yet to find a solution for this. All I can tell you is that women are usually ready for lovin’ when they are at their most relaxed. So do everything in your power to make your lady feel relaxed at proper hours. Cook her dinner and have some red wine ready. Smoke some weed together. Nap together on the weekends and then do it when you wake up. That’s all I can offer. The classic conundrum. Stupid ladies. BE MORE TIMELY WITH YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS!

Start Thigpen, Portis, and Slaton.

Hey KSK,

Thanks,
McG

PUNTER SAYS: Pay her and put it on film. PS – Great job on “Charlie’s Angels”

Sit Gage.

Greetings, sage wizards of the bedroom and fantasy football field,

Flummoxed in Florida

I think you have to counter her bizarre role-playing with some of your own. If she dresses as a falcon, you dress as a Rubik’s Cube. If she dresses as a quadriplegic, you dress as a Nazi storm trooper. It’ll totally throw her off her game.

Start Romo.

Does having a threesome with asian girls really count as a threesome due to their small size compared to most women?

Pete

Ask them. They’d know the math. Start Ryan.

Over the weekend I took a girl to a bar to watch the Alabama/Auburn game. It was the first time we had done anything together and I basically had gotten her to go with me by lying to her and telling her I was a huge Alabama fan. Coincidently, my father is at the same bar. She gets super hammered as do I, and during her frequent trips to the bathroom my dad asks if I’m fucking her.

A Liar and a Pussy

My suggestion is that you get yourself a new dad. Jesus, what a pushy asshole. Flacco.

So I have a play-in game this week. I win, I make the league’s playoff. I have both McNabb & Rodgers. Both at times have been as useful as a bag of nipples. I really need to make the right choice here. Help a brother out!!

Notjustcheese
Phillipsburg, NJ

I’ll let Robert Evans handle this one. “Baby, if it feels good, do it! I remember back in 1978 when I was having a threesome with Linda Evans and Dusty Hoffman. Sexy? You bet? Racy? Oh, yes. Anyway, halfway through, Dusty decides to play the merry prankster and tickle my testicles. Well, damned if that wasn’t just the jumpstart ol’ Evans needed! Don’t let social mores stand in the way of you liking a tongue to the ol’ Midnight Cowboyhole!”

Start Rodgers.

Assuming Marion Barber is questionable/probably for Sunday’s game, is it worth the risk to start him? Le’Ron McClain is the o’ther op’tion.

Barry

This is a good question. Men, I find, prefer to do it with the lights on. You want to see that sex live as it happens. Why just feel it when you can take a mental snapshot for later use? I suggest you compromise and buy a dimmer switch for your place. It’s light AND it’s dark!

KSK,

-Fox

Guilt-free? Um, never?

Start Favre.

I’ve got Willis McGahee and Steven Jackson as my “feature” backs. Seems like it’s time to bench McGahee, if not cut him loose. Who out of my pack of injury/suspension reliant RBs should get the start in his spot this week: Pierre Thomas, Ray Rice or Cadillac?

ps – My 96 Camry is parked on a back alley every night that sees some traffic, so that’s out of the question. Kind of.

Whoa whoa whoa. A blowjob on a playground? I need more specifics there. Was it on the swing? Did you use a real swing as a sex swing? Or did you use the diaper swing? Did you sit on one end of the teeter totter? God, I never realized just how many sexual possibilities exist at playgrounds. No wonder that 50-year-old drifter is always hanging out at the one near my house! He must be taking notes for when he romances a lady!

Use the Camry or do it on the floor. The floor always makes less noise. And pick up Thomas.

Photo from reader CCP, who tried to convince one of the girls was his girlfriend. Sure, buddy. And my name’s Cock McLongington.