You know, during this very long campaign season, I have traveled this country far and wide. I have been to all 50 states, shaken thousands of hands, kissed hundreds of babies, and seen literally millions of faces. And everywhere I go, I hear the same thing from people: Don’t give up. Don’t surrender. Be a fighter, Hillary. And it really inspired me. It made me realize that I wasn’t just running for me. I was running for working mothers, and their daughters, and millions of people around the nation. They put their faith in me, and it would be a crime to let them down.

So I’m not going to let a simple thing like the fact that I lost get in the way of continuing this battle. I was born a fighter. My mother once said I kicked so hard in the womb that the walls of her uterus were punctured. And, by golly, I will stay a fighter. Now, I’ve heard lots of naysayers say things like, “She doesn’t have enough delegates,” or, “No, seriously, the primaries are basically over. She lost,” or, “Jesus fucking Christ, will this stubborn bitch get out of the way of history already?” Well call me crazy, but I don’t think anyone told Michael Dukakis to give up after George Bush pasted his ass in ’88! What’s that? They did? Well then, he’s a little goddamn weakling.

I don’t think anyone should tell anyone when to quit anything. What kind of world would we live in if everyone were told to fold in the face of literally insurmountable odds? I met a 5-year-old girl last month who said she wanted to raise unicorns one day. Who the gosh darn heck am I to tell her that she can’t do that? I met another man who said he wanted to be an Olympic bobsledder, despite being 60 years old and having no bobsledding experience of any kind. Why should that man be forbidden from doing something simply because he can’t do it? IT’S UNAMERICAN!

If this campaign has taught me anything, it’s to never, ever let anything get in the way of your dream. Not the cynics. Not the media. Not reality. Not the voters. Not the law. Not your family and friends. NOT ANYTHING. I don’t think I should drop out. And I don’t think we should leave Iraq.

And I think the New England Patriots should be allowed to continue playing Super Bowl XLII.

Think about it. I’ve talked to many Patriot players recently, and they all told me the same thing. Hillary, they said, we want to keep playing that game. And I think it is a CRIME that they weren’t allowed to do so. So the clock ran out. So what? Real trailblazers don’t follow the script. Those players wanted to continue playing, and they weren’t allowed to. That is NOT a league’s right to dictate that sort of thing. It should the right of the team playing to determine when they would like to stop playing. Otherwise, what kind of message are we sending to little football players all around the nation? Oh, sorry, kid! Time’s up! You lost! Nothing you can do about it now!

That’s bullshit.

I have in my hand a letter from a supporter of mine. A young man named Thomas O’Leary from Quincy, Massachusetts. Thomas is just 23 years old, and lives above a bar, on just a table runner’s salary. He is uninsured. He’s also battling an alcohol problem. I want to read you this letter, because to me it displays the real spirit of determination embodied both in myself and Coach Belichick’s team. Thomas writes:

De-ah Mrs. Fackin’ Rawd-um Clinton.

I am a cawncerned votah who would like to know what you would do, if elected, to GET MY BELOVED FACKIN’ PATS BACK ON THE FACKIN’ FIELD FOR SUPAH BOWL FARTY TOO!!! The fact that they stawpped thah fackin’ clawk is the biggest fackin’ injustice since Brown versus thah Bawd of Education! Everyone knows that fackin’ Billy Belichick’s crew was thah bettah fackin’ team that fackin’ day! EVEN THOSE FAGGOTS IN NEW YARK!

I would like to point you to the key demographics in which the Pats were-ah fackin’ dawminant. Okay? They-ah punting average was a full four-ah yaaaahds bettah than those New Yark faggots. And they had five more-ah first fackin’ downs. What kinda fackin’ team ah the Giants if they can’t win those fackin’ categories? Are they really the best representative we have far a Supah Bowl Champ? FACK NO! If the game had been allowed to continue, we all know fackin’ Tawmmy Brady would have pulled through. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

They would have taken the ball, maaaaaahched right up the fackin’ field, and hit Welkah awn a crossing pattuhn to win that game. Farthermore-uh, you never know what kind of horrible things could happen to the Giants if the game had kept goin’! What if someone, possibly my cousin Neil O’Leary, shot that faggot Eli dead in the overtime? Would the Giants have won then? I DOUBT IT! You have to keep playing, because you nevah know if someone’s gonna get injuhed, or taken the fack out!

I’d also like to note that the fackin’ Pats have a wide base of suppart from WHITE, WORKING CLASS FANS, THE BEST KIND OF FACKIN’ FANS IN THE WORLD! White fans aren’t gawnna let you down! You can’t really win without our help! I think we need to hear what these fans have to say befor-ah we just go ending this shit! AMERICA FEELS CHEATED OUT OF SEEING THE PATS GO 19-0!

So please, Senatah, do something about this travesty. Oh, and beat that dahhhkie!

Regaaaaaahds,

Tawmmy

PS – I totally switched to you after Chris fackin’ Dawd dropped out. You got a big fat ass, but Tawmmy ain’t kickin’ you off the Aerobed, honey.

Now who can argue with a letter like this? This is a young man, clearly deprived of any sort of education, who doesn’t want to give up hope. And that’s what we’re doing if we allow the Super Bowl to be played according to the rules. America should be a land of opportunity. And of freedom! Where you can get your way if you just stay in denial long enough. That’s why I’m staying in this race. And that’s why I say, LET THOSE FACKIN’ PATRIOTS PLAY!

God bless the Patriots. And little Thomas O’Leary. And me. Mostly me, because I need the support. And please don’t forget: Barack Obama is black. And is friends with other blacks. People far, far darker than you or I.

I’ll see you in November.