Kissing Suzy Kolber » sexy friday just got disappointing

What Cheerleaders Are Thinking During Cheerleader Tryouts: It’s A Kinda Sexy Friday.

Monday Morning Punter — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 20:00:42 +0000

Hi there. Oh, are you having a cheerleading tryout today? No, I didn’t know, I swear!… Oh, this old thing? This is what I usually wear on Saturday mornings…Yes, I was just heading out to pick up some milk! Can I pick something up for you?…No, I don’t think I’m on the list…It’s Kirsteffanie, with two F’s…What’s that? I AM on the list?…Oh, I must have signed up early and totally forgotten about it! Silly me!

Mmm…yeah…Mmmm…I’m making this look good! I can’t wait to fuck Vince Young. Out of his money! Heeyyyy!

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!

Oh God! Oh I totally messed that part up! Oh I’ll never be a cheerleader now! No! Now I’ll never find a boyfriend that respects me for my work ethic!

I am the greatest ass ever. I am a powerful ass. I am strict but fair. I go by the book, but I also play by my own rules. I am a militant ass, but I am also very logistical and pragmatic. No ass has a greater vocabulary than I do, which is probably why I haven’t taken a dump since the Bush administration.

I’m going to be the best cheerleader ever. This will be the perfect way to spend time between my efforts for Habitat For Humanity, where I help build houses for poor people that somehow think they’re too good for apartment living. This is more exciting than last year’s Race For The Cure! The women there are such a beacon of strength. Sometimes I wish that I had breast cancer so I could be as strong as they are! Yay!

Enough of this shit. When do we eat?

FIN.

‘Hey you guys? I can’t find my contact!’

Monday Morning Punter — Fri, 29 May 2009 20:38:45 +0000

Ashlee: Hey? Hey you guys? I can’t find my contact!

Britnee: Hang on, Britnee. I’ll help you look!

Courtnee: There’s a puppy across the street! That makes me happy!

Ashlee: Not now, Courtnee! I have to find my contact! Or the varsity will leave without us!

Britnee: Just ignore her. She always gets stupid when puppies are around.

Ashlee: What a bitch.

Britnee: Total bitch.

Ashlee: Stupid bitch.

Britnee: We’ll find it, let’s just keep looking.

Ashlee: Thanks, Brit. You’re such a good friend!

Courtnee: I think I’ll find that puppy a stick! [runs off]

Ashlee: I hope she impales herself on that stick!

Britnee: I hope that dog eats her whole stupid face.

Ashlee: What a bitch.

Britnee: Total bitch.

Ashlee: [yelling] Stupid bitch!

Britnee: So Ashlee?

Ashlee: Yeah, Brit?

Britnee: I want to eat your asshole out.

Ashlee: …what?

Britnee: It’s just that…I really like you, Ash. I just think that you’re so pretty, and I love being your friend. But I…I want to be more than just your friend.

Ashlee: But…you ARE more than my friend. You’re my best friend, Brit!

Britnee: Ashlee, I have to tongue out your anus. I need this. I need you. I need your butt.

Ashlee: Brit…you’re really making me uncomfortable.

Britnee: Just…just give me ten minutes. Okay? Five minutes? Just let me get the lay of the land in Hershey Valley.

Ashlee: No!

Britnee: Please?

Ashlee: [pauses] I found it! [pulls contact out of the grass and runs off]

Britnee: Dammit. [yelling] Come on Courtnee, let’s okay!

Courtnee: That doggie was really neat! I named him Fred!

Britnee: Whatever, let’s just go before Ashlee leaves us here.

Courtnee: Okay. So…is Ashlee gonna let you rim her?

Britnee: Oh yeah, I’m gonna lick that pooper til there’s no hole left.

Courtnee: Nice. Just don’t grab her by the insides of her thighs. She hates that. [Courtnee runs up to the car]

Britnee: CUNT!

Sexy Friday, Starring the Gay Mafia and Allegations of Soft-Core

Captain Caveman — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 18:47:46 +0000

[Park Slope, Brooklyn. Interior of a news stand]

Okay… need something for a little beach reading. What to get? What to get what to get what to get.

Maxim? Come now, I graduated college. And I want something touting football on the cover.

Men’s Vogue? Eli’s on the cover. Nah, too gay.

Hey, Tom Brady’s on Esquire? Hmmm… not quite gay enough.

Ah-HA!

Goddammit James Franco is fucking se– I MEAN, 73 THINGS ABOUT FOOTBALL?!?! All right! GRRR, this will be great to read in between sets at the gym!!! Page 292, it says right here! That’s the where the football is!

/flips through magazine

Finally, I’ve made it through all those annoying fashion ads. Why, if the Men’s Wearhouse doesn’t have $2000 dollar dinner jackets, I hardly think I need one. These fat shirtless painted men in cutoff stone-washed denim are much more my style. GRRR TOUCHDOWN!

/puts on reading monocle

Say, what’s this?

Why, I’ve never read such libel! Drew doesn’t run the site! He’s merely responsible for forty percent of the content and all of the popular posts!

“Insightful”? Ha! And “soft-core”? Clearly, sir, you’ve never read our Peter King fan fiction. It doesn’t get any less soft than that.

But the worst slight of all? Leaving our photo shoot on the cutting room floor.

I wore my nicest jeans and everything!