I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over 6 months; she is bi-sexual. Since the beginning, she has been very upfront about her bi-sexy nature (she also has a very cute girlfriend) but has been adamant that she would never be interested in having a threesome with said sexy friend and myself. Earlier this week, she confessed that for the past couple weeks, she has been hooking-up with her girlfriend and another guy. My question is: should I stab her repeatedly with a dull knife and then set her on fire? or should I set her on fire first and then stab her?

Sex: I’ve been friends with this chick, who is Bi, for about five years now (we went to school together). She has a girlfriend and has been with her for about 2 years. Anyway after a of drinking we end up going back to my place and fucked like mad. So my question is should I feel guilty for most likely breaking up their relationship?

Football: I’m an Eagles fan living in AZ. Seeing how I loathe the Stillers, and I can’t stand the bandwagon hopping Cards fans, should I watch the Super Bowl or allow myself to be dragged to see Don Quixote at the theater?

I am car-less University student and go to school a distance away from my girlfriend. For Valentine’s day though, I’m taking the trip out to see her. The day of love, her roommate will be out of town, nothing could be more perfect.

Until she informed me that she will be on her period…. What do I do? I haven’t seen her for a few months and won’t see her again for a few months after so I need some loving, but I do not want to come off as not appreciating her unless she pleases my d. Is there a way to convince her for shower sex or at least a lot of head?

Hmm for the big game… What’s your favorite Super Bowl commercial?

Two-Parter: I hold my breath while knocking one off, usually leaving me winded when the deed is done, but with a heightened O. Am I on my way to autoerotic asphyxiation and premature death ala the front man from INXS?

Also, my nips are super sensitive, so how does one manage a mouse, a nip squeeze, and the lil’ general while browsing for the latest nasty on the Interwebs? I usually just rotate righty between the mouse and the nips, but it slows down the browsing experience. I figure I should just go straight to video, but I enjoy still pics, too. What’s a lonely guy in a basement to do (and for the commenters, yes, I’m married, and we do it regularly, just not the six times a day a healthy prostate requires…plus, one needs the mental ammo, and the wife knows and doesn’t care…side note: was in New Orleans and went to gamble, came back, and she was servicing herself to pay-per-view…WTF?).

Fantasy Football: Keeper League, which QB: Cassel (not knowing his destination/situation) or Schaub (and his penchant for missing four games a season)?

Football:
What’s the most disgusting thing you can imagine Brenda Warner doing?

Sex:
How far is too far to drive for sex? Bear in mind, I’m not talking about state line prostitute sex, I’m talking about good, consensual sex with a beautiful woman. Specifically, is three hours in a car time wasted when I could beat off and be getting drunk?

Thank you for your time.

I’ll be in Vegas with my wife over Super Bowl weekend, and our team made it (I won’t say which one, to avoid being subjected to more awful fan songs). Since we actually have a horse in this race, I’m having a hard time deciding where to lay my money. Do I bet on my team, or is that bad luck? Alternately, should I bet against my team, so that if they win I’m happy anyway and if they lose I can drown my sorrows in a pile of strippers? Finally, if I want to try taking the wife to a brothel, are my odds better if our team wins (a celebratory romp) or if they lose (a grudgefuck)?

Football question; Should I watch Jerry Maguire before or after the Superbowl weekend, and is it acceptable that I shed a tear when Cuba was okay after the hit?

Sex question; What is the most effective way to lure pussy this Valentines season?

Football: Besides Purple Jesus, who is even worthy of a top 5 fantasy pick next year?

Sex: My wife’s sister lived with us for a number of months a few years ago. I would consider these years to be her prime, Pro Bowl-caliber ones as she has since decided to marry, get pregnant and generally stop giving a shit about what people think. During those glorious months, I frequently wondered what she looked like getting into and out of the shower totally nude. Being a technology-inclined pervert with a raging desire to polish off to something only a few have ever seen, I procured a wireless spy cam and placed it in a fake plant near the shower. Let’s just say the sister liked to dry off while looking at herself in the mirror and my camera placement was perfect. AWESOME footage. Three questions:

1. What the fuck is wrong with me?
2. Could I ever make a case with my wife if she found the DVD/VHS (I like redundancy) that this actually enhanced our sex life?
3. Now that, due to my complacency and tape hiding skills of a 5 year old, she has found said tape, please repeat question 2.

Football: Fuck football. I’m fucked

So this isn’t explicitly a sexual question (Ed. note: Boooo!), but it does pertain to my dick (Ed. note: BOOOOOO!). I noticed a while back that whenever I was about to fall asleep in a meeting I would pop a pretty resiliant boner about five minutes before I started head-bobbing. What the fuck is that about? I don’t recall it happening when I fell asleep in class.

Footballwise, I remember thinking back in the day that anyone could play QB if they were surrounded by the likes of Marshall Faulk, Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt. Warner’s second TD on Sunday could’ve been off by 15 feet in any direction and Fitzy would’ve still hauled it in easily. My question then, is Kurt Warner a really good quarterback, or just a really lucky one?

Sex Question: My wife is reaching the late stages of pregnancy. With her case of pregnancy gigantism, we’ve consequently had a difficult time getting it on. The logistics are just all sorts of messed up.

However, I must have sex now. After the birth, she’ll need at least six to eight weeks to physically heal, and I’ll need at least three months to mentally heal from the sights of having my son’s head come out of the sex spot. I’m not sure if I can go those many months without sex.

What sort of pregnancy sex can I engage in to fill my canteen before the coming drought?

Football Question: I’m in a keeper league. Do I keep Hines Ward or Anquan Boldin?

Okay, I’m trying to be a good mom here, but I am at my wit’s end. I know 15-year-old boys are wont to masturbate basically non-stop, and I of course have no problem with his doing so (not that it matters if I *did*) but is there a nice way to suggest he not, um, “clean up” on pillow shams? I’ve put tissues in his room. He takes two showers a day. HE HAS SOCKS. What the fuck is going on here? Am I going to have to resort to saying, “Look. These shams have to be dry-cleaned. STOP HUMPING THEM.” I don’t want to traumatize the poor kid but damn. Isn’t there some sort of Jack-Off Etiquette you guys are born with?

I don’t have a football question other than how bad is it going to be on Ape if the Steelers lose?

Sign me,

Football: Some teams seem to believe you can put together a receiving corps on the cheap, filling the roster with like-skilled players who might not be ‘athletic’ but are precise enough route-runners/fast dudes that they can be successful. Does Larry Fitzgerald make those teams look dumber than the contents of a short bus?

Sex: I’m a virgin and so yes, my question is ‘What’s it like?’ Or it would, except I have a chance here…a chick is actually willing to fuck me (I’m pretty stunned too, she even knows I read KSK with the same religious fervor as Kurt Warner does the ‘Left Behind’ book series) but I have to be okay with two things: she’s a butch lesbian (so, unattractive lesbian…she looks like Mike Tirico, no shit) and it will be a rape – I’ll be tied to the bed and fucked repeatedly until I can no longer summon an erection. I guess two questions here, can men actually be raped, and is it worth it to lose my virginity to Mike Tirico-with-a-vagina, or should I wait and see if maybe I can score at the very least a Scott Van Pelt look-alike? I’m sort of desperate…but is that a bit too much?

Yours faithfully,

So I just started dating this girl and we’ve had sex a few times but now she wants me to start going down on her. The only problem is that she doesn’t do the best job shaving down there. I sort of discreetly asked her why and she said her ex-boyfriend thought it was sexy so she assumed all guys liked that. How do I tell her that her ex boyfriend is flat out wrong? Also, I’m not exactly a “cunning linguist.” Any tips?

Football wise, what historically awful team (aka which Court of Fail team) do you see next making the step up to the Super Bowl ala the Cardinals?

Football question: given Cutlerfucker’s displeasure with the firing of the Oompa Loompa, is the safe bet on the Broncos being even more of a shitshow than they were this year? What’s the story with his contract, anyway? Does he have to stick around? I demand expert analysis here. Don’t make me email Fatsis.

Sex question: my boyfriend (yes, I’m a chick) claims that if we ever wanted to get our freak on with some voyeuristic action, he could find a willing dude at any random bar on any random night to come home with us and watch us fuck (no threesome action involved or implied, just watching/jackin’ it.) I say there’s no way, and that we’d have to turn to the internet to find someone who is specficially looking for that sort of activity. So, who’s right? Would any of you pervs go home with a random (and reasonably attractive) couple to watch some live porn? And no, that’s not an invitation.

Regards and stuff,

As impartial observers, who should we be rooting for next Sunday? Will it be worse to hear Steelers fans have more bragging rights, or to see the creation of a Cardinals bandwagon?

I live in an apartment building that’s apparently made out of paper. Anytime my girlfriend and I are doing the deed, it’s obvious that the neighbors who share a wall (and especially those downstairs) can hear everything. No one wants to hear their neighbors having sex; is the onus on me to try to keep things quiet, or is it just tough shit for the neighbors?

Football – My FF league is getting very lazy and this year they decided to not have any money involved. Do I ditch? Or give them another chance to shape up and put some fucking money in?

Sex- My wife doesn’t really let me play with her breasts that much since we had a kid. She is scared that she is going to leak milk while I’m playing with them. The thing is she stopped producing milk MONTHS AGO. I think its unfair for me not to be able to have access to them. Plus…I like tits. I mean….I really like tits. And she has nice big ones (no picture available….yet). How can I get her over her fear so that I can get the motorboat going again?

I’m going to Vegas in about a month. It’ll be the first time I’ve been. All I really know about the place is from those Simmons columns which only really teach you that if it wasn’t for those “Asian closer dealers” that he’d be a millionaire. My question is, how much should I budget out for strippers/whores? Normally I’d budget out a lot because I’m painfully single and live in one of the many states that has strict “no touching” laws (but hey, it beats Utah’s “they can’t get naked at all” law). But I’m going for the bartender’s convention which means numerous hot chick bartenders loaded up on free booze. So should I budget out a little and take my chances with a bunch of women with impaired standards or just hit up the titty bar? Or both?

My football question is, how do I make it the next week and a half without wanting to attempt every one of Drew’s suggested methods of suicide? If I have to hear about how Fitty was a ball boy for the Vikings one more time I’m jumping into a tank with Nazi Shark with a fishhead belt.

1 football – am i the only one thinking that the weather is going to suck and when its cold (compared to AZ), windy, and possibly raining (a la bears/ colts SB) that the cards are going to get totally exposed after these 3 long weeks and get destroyed big time?

2 sex – so after a dumb 4.5 year relationship i finally got out of it. she was hot, but it wasnt working and plus the sex was boring. the rebounds were all 7s to 9s so i wasnt bitching, but the first real girlfriend after that was roughly a 9.99 give or take .01 depending on whether it was a monday or a friday, and the sex was absolutely awesome. of course she went back to her ex-boyfriend who i want to stab with a soddering iron in his pee-hole. anyways, how long is the appropriate time to mourn? and since apparently i can pull decent strange in still (no clue how), what is the appropriate level on the hottie scale that i should go after for revenge sex (aka crying sex)?
hail the matron saint,

Jim Mora was recently introduced as my favorite team’s new coach while the Rams hired a superior coach, do I give up now and wait for the Coors commercial or pretend that he had nothing to do with the atrocious secondary and will be a fine head coach?

That whole Rod Tidwell speech from Jerry Maguire about shoplifting the pootie was a joke right? Something put in the movie to please all the single mothers who loved Say Anything so they could sell more tickets? I should be able to bang single moms and never call them again if I want to.

Who is your favorite porn star?

What is it that you actually DO once the Super Bowl is over until the beginning of the next season?

Football: If the Cardinals do anything to catch the Steelers off guard, do you think The Edge will have a bigger role running the ball, or the Buzzsaw will throw in the trick play towel and just heave it to Predator Larry Fitzgerald all day?

Sex: So I’ve been dating/banging my girlfriend for over three years now, but she won’t hand over the anal sex until “there’s a diamond ring on my finger.” Does that seem fair to you? We’ll probably be married in the next few years, but how long does she think I can wait?

That’s right gay mafia, your advice was taken, and it turned out to be terriffic.
If you can recall, I e-mailed a few months ago about a current girlfriend that enjoyed the blowjob-on-a-regular-basis routine. She then decided to start sticking a finger in my ass while performing that made me uncomfortable to say the least. Well taking your “tread lightly” advice on this very delicate subject, I parlayed it into something spectacular. I decided to suck it up and not be a pussy about a small female finger in my ass, and told her it would turn me on as well if I could, in exchange, explore her anal region. This has led to my first (and now regular) anal encounter! What a fucking trade off!!

Thanks KSK, you really changed my life.
/Middle-aged woman infomercial voice.

Sex: Pictured is my ex-wife. The problem is this: How do I go from such a hot piece of ass to something else? Do I hold out for similar hot ass, or start settling for less?

Football: I suck at fantasy football. Do I keep playing, or just go cold turkey?

Thanks as always.

I broke up with my girlfriend of six months right after Thanksgiving break, and I have been on a dry spell ever since. I partly blame finals and the horrendously long winter break, but in all honesty it’s probably me just being a huge pussy. Anyhoo, there is finally another girl that actually wants to see my dick, and I really don’t want to fuck this up. I’m worried that after such a long hiatus, her just telling me to put on a condom will make me cum all over myself. I have decided that I will jerk off before we hang out to hopefully delay the inevitable early splooge. My question is: When should I “prep myself”? Too early, and all of its intentions go for naught. Too late, and I am sitting there with a limp dick and an uncomfortable explanation. I need your help.

Also, one of the members of my fantasy league decided that he didn’t want to do a fantasy playoff league because it “is going overboard.” Should he be thrown out immediately?

Whenever I go over to my wife to initiate some kind of sexual contact, our dog takes it as a sign that he should start humping my leg. The most baffling part is he’s neutered. What should I do about this?

Also, should I lay the points and take Carolina this weekend or go with Arizona and hope Jesus will help Kurt Warner at least cover the spread?

So really I just need the advice…but not for myself…really!
So last night I get a call from my sister who said she has a problem that she can only speak to me about. She’s cheating on her gay husband with an ex-boyfriend of hers. This ex, back in the day, used to smoke a lot of pot. So much, in fact, his penis has shrunk. As a result, he’s now insecure about the size of his junk. Primarily the reason for this is that my sister isn’t as vocal during sex as she was 8 years ago. She asked me what she can do to reassure him that his submarine sinks her battleship. Other than just saying she’s satisfied with their bang up sex life, I told her to just moan louder and all should be well with the world. She claims he’ll know she’s faking. What can I tell my sister that will let her man know his junk is enough?

I guess for football, what are the odds my Steelers make it to the Super Bowl? If they are slim, which week will I need to hide under my desk from my Cowboys-loving boss to avoid the harassment that will be inflicted upon me for a Steeler meltdown?

I have a couple of interesting queries for you here:

I’ve been dating the same chick for a few years now and she’s pretty boring. Like, she sucks a mean cock and all, but outside of that, she’s pretty much a straight “do me missionary” type broad. Ya, she gives it up regularly…but I often find myself thinking about other things like:

- How much I love the job those Under Armour wipes do on the inside of my car
- That making Grilled Cheese on cheese bread would, quite possibly, be the greatest idea I’ve ever had
- How I figured out the Caramilk secret a long time ago [Ed. note: fucking Canadians]

Anywho, I’ve tried suggesting anal, threesomes, her letting me hit that shit from behind and she just doesn’t seem to want any part of it. Last week though, she caught me off guard by proposing a threesome…with her fat friend. This broad (the friend) is…well…ghastly. My girlfriend apparently feels sorry for her friend because she hasn’t gotten plowed in about 2 years…and thinks it would be “nice to help her out.” I instantly declined this invitation and suggested that her friend either a.) lose some weight or b.) find a guy who likes fat chicks.

She told me that I could do her in the a$$ (my lifelong dream) if I engaged in said threesome. I am not sure what to do here…please help! Do I close my eyes, ride the wave and bang the fatty when I want the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? What if my girlfriend reneges on her promise and I went through such a harrowing experience for nothing? What would you do?

Also – I don’t tell many people this, but I am a 49ers fan. Should I have renewed optimism for next season after their 7-9 finish this year? Or, should I just pick a new team to cheer for?

Your response to my previous mailbag question was bang-on (literally), and it also helped me to my first Championship in 10 yrs. While it’s a little pre-mature, my football question is keeper related.
- 2 keepers: – 1 QB – 1 RB – 1 RB/WR – 3WR – etc.
- Possible keepers: Cutler, DeAngelo, T. Jones, Fitzgerald, Andre Johnson
The league is WR heavy, so I’m leaning towards the 2 WR’s, but will find it hard to give up the #1 RB (who is in a time-share).

For the sexy business, here’s my issue:
Sometimes on the day after giving my wife a thorough shagging (a couple orgasms for each of us), she’s a little bitchy. I just made her vag explode (in a good way), why the attitude the next day? Is it hormonal? I’d like a serious answer on this. Maybe some of the lady commenters could give some insight.

I love getting it on with my wife, she’s a lot of fun in the sack but, like most married American women, she doesn’t have the energy to get it on repeatedly throughout the week after working, exercising, etc. We don’t even have kids yet. Do you agree with the pre-marital counselor (preacher) that told me that beating off to porn is a type of cheating on your wife? When my wife is out of the house, I can’t help but have a heaping serving of good girl on girl action, especially involving a strap-on. Am I joining the rest of you in Hell?

Also, game time temp in Charlotte Saturday night is 40 degrees, is this enough reason to give the 10 points and take the Panthers?

NFL: Who is going to get kicked out of the Eagles family first: McNabb or Reid?

Sex: At what point does the line in the taintal region cross “okay, this is cool” and “I DIDN’T SIGN A WAIVER FOR THIS”.

So, my wife is pregnant. Like, 8 months pregnant. And ever since she has started to really show, I have absolutely no desire to have sex with her. Mind you, I still want to have sex as much as ever (if not more). Just not with her. But I don’t want to hurt her feelings and turn down sex with her for the first time ever. So, the last few times with her I have thought about this smoking hot 21-year old chick in my office with the most amazing body I’ve ever seen. Seriously….double D’s and a shelf for an ass. I just close my eyes and think of office girl.

So my sex question is: Should I feel guilty? Here she is, carrying my baby–and I’m thinking of someone else during sex. I mean, I know I’m a scumbag…..but should I feel guilty? Or should I just look at this situation as a temporary thing and ride it out until things are back to normal?

Oh, and my football question: Why the fuck can’t Devin Hester return kicks anymore? What the fuck? Like, seriously. Explain this to me. How do you go from 6 return TDs a season to running backwards on punts half the time?

1) Should the Lions go after a Schottenheimer or Shanahan as their next coach? I mean there’s no guarantee that either will win a Super Bowl, but at least they could get us to the playoffs in two or three years and that’s much better than what has been going on since Millen arrived.

2) My wife and I were having a conversation about backdoor relations and, while it has not been something I expect from her, she said if it was something that was important to me she would do it but is not something she would ask to get. Does her saying that mean it is something that she wants to do and I am just an idiot for not picking up on it? We did do it once before we were married, and she enjoyed it, but haven’t done that since. I get plenty of satisfaction from the other stuff we do, but if she wanted to do it then that would be hot!

PS If you don’t print my question, THAT’S DISRESPECT!!!!!

PPS Sorry for using such Elisha-like language but our firewall here won’t let me express myself in stronger terms.

I have a simple, yet disturbing question.

How many times do I use the same sock to um..sock-fuck, before throwing it away? Is there a standard number or does it depend on the size of the sock and the load?

Eli or McNabb? I know, too easy, but then so are all the women in your families.