Today is another special day here at KSK and I’m pleased be introducing you to the newest offerings in our line of haute-couteur. Earlier in the offseason we debuted the collection with the uber-exclusive Sex Cannon logo. Well after a long discussion with Rextacy himself I learned that multiple designs–like orgasms–are vastly supperior to the singular alternative. So brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen (mostly ladies) because we’re unloading the goodness all over your chest.

The single greatest crop of quarterbacks to ever hit the NFL Draft was supposed to make us forget all about Marino, Elway, and all the other old fuckers that we didn’t like that much to begin with. At KSK we honor this mishapen menagerie of signal callers, even if a few of them are selling robot insurance at Leisureworld.

Truthfully I just made this shirt because I really wanted it for myself. I liked the way it came out so I decided to make it available to the general public. So here they are, three different styles of the ubiquitous Starting 5 shirt.

The five greats featured in their team color on lightweight coton flanked by the heavyweight t-shirt in black with gold and the ladies option. If you are looking for different colors or styles all you have to do is email me with your request, we’re quite flexible.

Are you sexy? Do you make said sexy work for you? Then you my friend are in the Sexy Business. Another homage to our favorite Sex Cannon this shirt sums up everything that is the cumslinger.

But what about the ladies??? Oh don’t worry about that, it’s about time we spread the sexy downstairs.

Ah…combine the sublime hotness that is the hip hugging undergarment with the overt sexiness of KSK and you’re guarnateed to attract some attention (especially if you’re wearing nothing else).

Now all we need is some models! We tried putting them on Ape’s cat but…uh…that didn’t end well. So all you lady readers out there need to get your shit in gear! Free merchandise for the first piece of ass to send us that picture.

Greetings from the lovely shores of Cancun, Mexico! Or should I say, hola?! As you can see, I’m currently enjoying my spring break. Many American college students have a spring break that lasts one or two weeks. Mine, on the other hand, lasts from March 21 to June 21. It’s not really a spring break. It’s just spring. And lemme tell ya, spring is a good time for fuckin’. Isn’t that right, Manny?

Manny: Si, Senor Rexy. Otra Tecate?

You’re goddamn right I’ll have another. Aaaaahhh!!! I am so fucking relaxed. Manny here is the best bartender Fat Tuesdays has ever employed. And I should know. I’ve met all of them! Now I know some of you Bears fans are concerned about what happened in the Super Bowl. But let me just say, that hasn’t bothered me in the slightest, so I see no reason why it should bother you! There’s still plenty of gun powder left in the ol’ Cannon, if you catch my drift. And if you don’t, I’m referring to the amount of semen in my cockbag. Ain’t that right, Manny?

Manny: Es muy grande, amigo.

Fuckin’ A. God, I love it down here! You should have seen the girl I took home last night. She had a big round ass, with a crack so deep, you just wanted to fill it with taco meat.

Manny: Bien comida, senor.

Muy bien, compadre. Some of you might be wondering what I’ve been doing to improve my game during my three-month stay down here. Let me tell you something, Rex Grossman doesn’t do minicamps. Okay? There’s nothing mini about what I do. I only do things that are large, throbbing, and have the potential to kill lesser men. But, to put you at ease, I assure you I’ve been thoroughly working the two most important muscles in my body: the Dragon, and ol’ Chief Riding Bull down below.

Every morning, I wake up at 11:59AM, fuck, and then head to the beach. Then, I play volleyball using ONLY MY RIGHT ARM for a solid fifteen minutes. After that, the ladies usually come flocking. It’s like the Axe Effect, only I don’t need the Axe. Fuck Axe. And fuck Tag. I get the ladies to come calling with my OWN musk, bitch. After that…

Manny: (laughs)

Yeah, you KNOW what happens next, don’t you, Manny?

Manny: CANNON FIRE, senor!

Hell, yeah! Slap me cinco, motherfucker! I told you my English would rub off on you! You know, I haven’t read the paper much lately. What’s goin’ on in the world, Manny?

Manny: Senor Imus es un cabron.

Don Imus? Pfft. He’s about as sexy as a pregnancy test. I heard they released our schedule. You got that?

Manny: Si. Si. El preseason, senor?

No, skip the preseason. That’s maricon shit.

Manny: Los Chargers?

With Norv Turner coaching? That’s a win.

Manny: Los Chiefs?

Versus Chief Riding Bull? That’s a win.

Manny: Los vaqueros?

Cowboys? That’s a win. I like reverse cowgirl fucking.

Manny: Los Lions?

Pfft. Win.

Manny: Los Packers?

Against Oldey McShitmypants? Win. I am that asshole’s Bennie Blanco: younger, better, SEXIER. Remember Bennie Blanco, Manny?

Manny: Si. Era un badass. Los Vikings?

Win.

Manny: Los Eagles?

Win. Okay, okay, I’ve heard enough. They’re all fucking wins, Manny. I’mma plow through the league, then plow through the rest of Latin America. Sound good, amigo?

Manny: Viva el Cumslinger!

Long live me, indeed. See you in September, everybody!

Photoshop job courtesy of the incomparable twoeightnine

UPDATE: Want a “Viva el Cumslinger!” t-shirt? Of course you do.

It’s been a long time in the making but we have finally produced a garment worthy of your burial. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the debut of the hottest shit to hit the streets since the wifebeater.

The logo, courtesy of our own Monday Morning Punter, draws inspiration from Drew’s staggering insights into the inner-workings of the NFL’s greatest cumslinger/quarterback. It’s simple, it’s elegant, and it comes in a polo shirt so that you can bring some of the Sex Cannon to work. No way that new paralegal can resist all of that goodness, it’s like Axe Body Spray without the horrible stench.

Keep in mind this is just the initial run. At some point in the near future we’re going to cross the color barrier (Jackie Robinson sure made that look easy) so that we can offer the design on a wide array of fine fabrics. As soon as I solve the mystery of vector imaging we fully intend providing all of our lovely female readers with the sexiest undergarment this side of Jahidi White.

Stay tuned for further sexy goodness from the newly established label (if you’d like to join the Design a Logo for KSK contest send what you’ve got to the email address. by entering you waive all rights ownership rights to said logo and you agree to be mocked mercilously)

KSK: Clothing the Sexy since 2007
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*The polo shirt runs about a size small. Either that or every other piece of clothing I own runs a size big.

**More options coming soon for the ladies out there. We’re still trying to perfect our see-through fabrics.

What is this, like an internet honor? That’s what you guys do? Hang out on the internet? That’s cool. I like the internet. It’s got pictures of people fucking, and I like fucking. That’s all me.

You know, this offseason has given me a lot of time to think. Maybe it’s time I settled down and really learned my position. I gonna study tapes of all the great ones: Unitas, Montana, Elway, Salisbury – to figure out the nuances of proper NFL quarterbacking. I’m gonna learn to play within myself. I’m gonna learn to start winning games with my head, and not just my arm. It’s time for me to mature as a player. It’s time for me to mature AS A MAN.

Nah, I’m just fucking with you. I would never do that. That’s for queers like Manning.

Can you believe it? We get six months off! How fucking awesome is that? It would have been seven too if they didn’t make me work all January. Well, I’ve got some major league plans to fill all that time and lots of ladies with my ample manpaste. In fact, I even made myself a little list of everything I’d like to accomplish this offseason:

The Sex Cannon’s Goals For the 2007 Offseason

-Throw a Hutch ball 200 yards while masturbating
-Have a plaster cast made of my arm to recreate the “Anal Intruder” sex toy from Top Secret!
-Hey, didn’t we have a Mexican d-coordinator? Where did he go? He was gonna introduce me to his niece. I wanna nail her and then have her cook me some arroz con pollo.
-Learn to speak Mexican
-Stack two waterbed mattresses on top of one other. Fuck on that.
-Fuck on a trampoline
-Fuck on a rock
-Fuck on top of this 500-lb. guy I know named Jim
-Pose on the cover of SI for Kids. Make sure they retouch a comet tail onto the ball I’m throwing. That would be fucking sweet.
-Start children’s charity that teaches underaged kids both how to throw a football and make love like a wild boar
-Try wild boar
-Compose list of words that sound German but are not (example: fluffen: snow)
-Nail German chick
-Make sure her German boyfriend watches and cries
-Lease videotape collection to Orton
-Buy puppy. Fuck it.
-Design official KSK Sex Cannon t-shirt and put it on sale 3 months too late
-Go to gun shop. Tell them I don’t need any guns because I am already fully stocked. Throw a football in the clerk’s face
-Throw cup of warm semen into a NOW rally
-Learn guitar, because guys who rock the guitar get major league pussy
-Let the circus girl out her box. Feed her a Cheez-It
-Laugh out loud when the Bears draft Troy Smith in the second round
-Procreate with every last one of you

Meast of the Year Voting Breakdown:
Grossman: 19 votes
Sanders: 7
Merriman: 6
Prince: 5
LDT: 4
B. Scott: 3
L. Neal: 3
J. Taylor: 2
J. Brown: 2 (shame on you people)
Panthers D: 2 (and the one I’d vote for)
Bears D: 2
Pacman: 2
D. Williams: 2
Faneca: 1
85: 1
Josh Jeff Reed’s wang: 1
Cincinnati Police Department: 1
Me: 1
Eli Manning: 0