Mastermind: Ah, at long last! MY EVIL PLAN HAS COME TO FRUITION. Those same people who told me that Kyle and I were FOOLS for believing in John Beck are now the ones begging on their hands and knees for Beck to bring them salvation! MWAHAHAHAHA. Oh, Mastermind. Oh, you’ve outdone yourself this time. Purposely starting Rex Grossman for five games has paid off most handsomely. Now Beck can never be benched! Soon, I shall have “Mister” (snickers) Snyder hand over a $30 million guaranteed contract to our prize pupil, and then the WORLD IS OURS.
The NFL primetime games this week aren’t particularly great, at least on paper. In fact, they’re pretty bad. But that’s never stopped us from tuning before. And who knows? The games might even be entertaining, in their own sloppy, derpy way. Best case scenario: through in odd combination of events, the Vikings blow yet another huge lead in the second half while Cutler’s linemen allow him to be dismembered by Jared Allen. Other than that, there’s not much for those who don’t have Matt Forte or Purple Jesus in fantasy.
With that in mind, let’s focus on the more amusing moments from today’s action, shall we?
LeSean McCoy punching Andy Reid in the gut after icing the game with a first down run is instantly my new favorite gif/image/whatever. This even eclipses the DeSean Jackson-Andy Reid chest bump attempt from ’09. No small feat.
Meanwhile in DC Raljon, MD, the Sex Cannon was benched for throwgasming four times to the other team.
John Beck took over from there, and played about as well as you’d expect John Beck to play. He did, however, go a long way to making sure that the security at team headquarters finally recognizes him. Because he had a name tag on during the post-game press conference.
Obviously, the “skirmish” between Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz will be fodder for all the talking head football etiquette experts to wring their hands, knit their brows and evacuate their bowels over. Not me. I love coach fights. Coach fights should serve as a playoff tiebreaker. Maybe not the first one, but at least in the top three. It should go: head-to-head, record vs. conference then coach fight. If the fight results in a Street Fighter-esque simultaneous double KO, keep going down the list.
Just included this to point out that Jim Harbaugh has sideline gigolos.
Troy Polamalu suffered approximately the 900th concussion of his playing career today when his helmet collided with what Gruden would call one of Maurice Jones-Drew’s “thick lowers”. It certainly didn’t help that Ryan Clark felt it necessary to headbutt Troy after the play. James Harrison is sure to be upset when he isn’t the first Steelers player fined for causing a head injury in a teammate.
Cam Newton paid an homage to Deion Sanders after running in a TD against the Falcons. Because swag monster respect swag monster.
Amigos… got that. Now someone search Babelfish for “rowdy”.
Wooftastic derpfest, all around. Between Steelers-Colts and tonight’s game, this was a banner week for closely contested football of extremely poor quality in primetime. We are a nation in need of flex.
For our three hours of viewership, we were awarded with nine field goals, four turnovers and a touchdown pass in the flat to Tim Hightower that was still almost dropped. Oh, and an inexhaustible amount of Tony Romo fluffing. Yes, yes, the ESPN booth is packed to the gills with starf*ckers, so we shouldn’t be surprised. But the herculean lengths that Jaws went to to excuse Romo for every Cowboys mistake. He wouldn’t even try that hard to save his family from a burning building. Unless Romo accidentally started the fire and Jaws didn’t want Romo blamed for any fatalities. Possibly then.
Let’s use for an example, say, an underthrown ball in the end zone to Marty B. Marty is covered by a DB at least eight inches shorter than him. Rather than throw a jump ball, Romo tries to drill it in Bennett’s chest.
SPIN IT JAWS: “Martellus Bennett simply has to anticipate that his quarterback is suffering from a rib injury and is therefore unlikely to get the ball where it needs to be. Disappointing effort there by the tight end.”
AND THIS 30 SECONDS OF CRAZY STRAW QUAFFING FROM ROMO’S URETHRA WHEN THE COWBOYS TOOK THE LEAD! NOT ONE SOLITARY TOUCHDOWN SCORED! AND YET THIS! GAHHHHHHHH!
I will grant that not every mistake was on Romo. See? Fairness! Phil Costa is already being mishandled into an unmarked grave outside Cowboys Stadium. We will forever remember the best two-yard gain ever, however. Your legacy lives on, Costa.
Anyway, back to Romo and how odious he is. OH THE MATURITY! OUTWARDLY BLAMING HIS TEAMMATES ON NEAR PEYTON-ESQUE LEVELS! WAH WAH WAHHHHH!
If only you’d have had one more drive in you, Rexy. Or one fewer fumble. Either way, this will probably trigger a sequence of events that leads to John Beck starting miserably in a few weeks, because, as we know, nothing fun can stay.
Bless you, NFL.com writer Jeff Darlington. In his debut piece for the site, Darlington profiles The Cumslinger, who is either finally righting an erratic career or enjoying a brief stint of competence before fumbling his way out of the league. Either way, Darlington earns an eternal place in KSK’s cold, unfeeling black heart by forcing Sexy Rexy to read Drew’s brilliant first Sex Cannon post.
I asked Grossman if he’s ever seen the popular (albeit crude) blog post on KissingSuzyKolber.com known as “Unleash the Dragon.”[Editor note: actual post title contains more cuss words]It’s a satirical essay that’s composed as if Grossman wrote it.
Since he hadn’t seen it (proving Shanahan’s theory), I read him this excerpt: “What’s that? I should throw a quick slant? (Forget) that. This is football… Sexy Rexy’s got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.”
Grossman laughed — and then elaborated.
“Making a bunch of big throws in college made me addicted to that kind of stuff,” Grossman said. “So I think I had the same mindset in Chicago. And you know what? I did make a bunch of big plays. But I also made a bunch of plays I shouldn’t have.”
That right, Rexy. You give the diplomatic answer. Before we know it, you’ll be running wild through Jerry Jones entire collection of sky pussy. “Susan Skaggs, unhinge your crotch. THE DRAGON’S BEEN UNLEASHED!”
Oh, hello there. Don’t be alarmed. I know, for you ladies out there, things just got a little bit steamier in your office cube just now, but don’t let it frighten you.
I can honestly say that today is one of the greatest days in Redskins offseason history. This totally makes up for Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, Dana Stubblefield, Adam Archuleta, and all of the others. The Sex Cannon is a Redskin.
Get ready, ladies of Houston, because the Sex Cannon is heading your way. Want to know what that physical will reveal? That the cumslinger is 210 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal, and he’s ready to go deep, all damn night.
SEX CANNON ABOUT TO EXPLODE ALL OVER VIRGIN FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Lost in all the breathless speculation about the destination of Michael Vick is the Sex Cannon sweepstakes. Probably because the only speculation surrounding Rexy is that of the paternity sort. Anyway, word has it Rex Grossman is getting a tryout for nascent United Football League. Where is the tryout, you ask? Vegas. Yeah, he’s not gonna make it. [Mouthpiece Sports via Sportress of Blogitude]
Is this like Snake’s hair on The Simpsons? Or does the neck beard know to transfer itself to whoever the starting quarterback is? No matter what, it’s a little eerie.
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