Is this like Snake’s hair on The Simpsons? Or does the neck beard know to transfer itself to whoever the starting quarterback is? No matter what, it’s a little eerie.

I know I told you back in March that I wanted to retire this arm. I know this arm has been shoulder-blade deep in some of the hottest pussy east of the Mississippi, but I thought it was high time for me to pack it in. I love throwing deep posts. It’s in my blood, which courses constantly through my engorged phallic sacs. But I wasn’t ready for the mental commitment necessary this year. I was tired. I wasn’t ready to for the difficult mental task of having woman after woman drench their panties with sweet ladymilk after watching me heave one downfield to Rashied Davis on 3rd and 37.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through with it.

But a funny thing happened. My fourth wife came up to me in June. And she said to me, “Rex, you’re a cumslinger. You need to go sling some cum, and get my gash gushin’.” Then I talked to my 33 illegitimate children scattered around the globe. And they all said the same thing to me, albeit in different languages and dialects. “Daddy,” they said, or papa, “Daddy, we want to see your dragon spit hot fire.”

And I realized: I can’t walk away from that, Jerry Angelo. It’s just so. Fucking. Hot.

Now, I know you committed to Kyle Orton being the starter here when I made my decision. I understand that. I also understand the potentially devastating flood of both media attention and smegma my decision will cause. I know this puts you in a tight spot. And I sure as hell mean no disrepect to Kyle Orton. I spent two weeks in Brazil with that guy, two weeks I will never, ever remember. I acquired auto-immune diseases that hadn’t even been invented yet. He’s a good fucker.

I’m sorry about all the attention this huge QB controversy has caused. I know there’s a 2PM SportsCenter special on right now chronicling my next move. What is Rex REALLY thinking? Does he want to be traded? Has his plane landed yet? Did he bang the stewardess while she sat on top of the sanitary napkin dispenser? (Quick answer: yes) I saw Erin Andrews wearing a sundress around here earlier. God dammit, she is fucking HOT. She touched the back of my head when she talked to me. She fucking wants it. I’m gonna throw the ball in front of her so hard, she’ll tear a pelvic floor muscle. And I don’t give a shit what Mariotti thinks of that.

I think the best thing here is for us to go our separate ways. I don’t want to make this difficult. I know you face a huge amount of scrutiny no matter what you do, and I’ll be doing a whole lotta screwtinizing no matter where I go. But let’s end the stiffmate now. Release me. Or trade me to a contender. Like the Packers. I’d love to bust a hole in some backwater Wisconsin tail. Lotta guys don’t go for the fat ladies. But I’m not afraid. It’s more exciting than white water rafting.

I can’t stay here as the backup. You know that. You saw those five people that were waiting at the airport for me, all of whom I paid to be there. They won’t stand for me being the backup. They already have sites up, like bringbackthearmfucker.com. You won’t be able to stand the pressure. Shit, the only reason I’m here is because Roger Goodell reinstated me after I told him I wouldn’t bang anyone else on the team training staff (I lied. Gimme more sweet assistant trainer ass please.). We can’t have an open competition here. Once I open up this arm, you’re gonna have one cum-soaked field.

Let’s just agree to part ways here. Stories have been planted. Words have been said. Buttholes have been fisted with dishwasher gloves. It can’t ever be like it was.

Time for me to sling my cum somewhere else.

Rex: Was it good for you, baby?

All I know is that it was good for me, and that’s all I really give a shit about. Have a cigarette. I like to bring it right to the precipice before unloading deep in your territory. Rexy likes his erotic asphyxiation.

Don’t act like you don’t like it. Right, Devin?

Devin: Shit, yeah. You goddamn right. I like that shit. I run LONG for that pussy.

I go STRONG to the pussy.

I get ALONG with the pussy.

I sing a SONG about the pussy.

I do things WRONG to the pussy.

I eat dim sum in HONG KONG with the pussy.

I hit that pussy so fast it turn to glass. You ladies look out. The Bullet’s comin’ fast and hard at that ass.

I’m back, and I’m hornier than ever.

Look the fuck out, people. Hide your women and duct tape their vaginas shut. I got backload of seminal fluid that could flood Indonesia.

Hold up. Wait a fucking second. What’s all this talk about Rex Grossman heading to the bench?! Do you see Rex Grossman walking to the bench? Do you see Lovie Smith calling for Brian Griese? Do you? DO YOU?!

Do you think I’m going to just sit idly by while some other jackass gets to throw my ball and take my audience? Do you really think Rex Fucking Grossman would just quietly accept his fate?! Do you think these eyes can’t tame a wild cougar?

Fuck that shit. I am not going down without a fuck.

You heard me. If you want to take my job, you’ll have to come and fuck the ever-loving shit out of me if you want to do it. Rex Grossman is no quitter. He will fuck and fuck and fuck until there’s no fuck left in him. That’s how he was born, that’s how he was raised, and that’s how he’ll die: fucking. If you think I’m going down without some serious hardcore, elbow-deep-in-your-butt gangbanging, you are sadly mistaken. I’m not backing down on this one. On the contrary. I am locked and loaded and ready to spray my salty jism all over this town if it means being able to do what I love most. I didn’t get this far not to fuck for what I believe in. I’m taking a stand. I’m holding my ground. And I’m fucking on it.

Think you can just waltz in here and tell the Sex Cannon what to do? Over my hard body. I fucked hard to get into this position. You’re gonna have to come get it. Naked. With my penis inside you.

Want to put me down for good, Chicago? Just. Fucking. Bring. It. And don’t think I won’t get my shots in. I got a nut just waiting for your eye. This is gonna be tooth and nail. Ass and ball. Tit and clit. Cock and mouth. If I lose, so be it. But there’s still some sex left in this cannon. I’ll fuck to the end. This was sexy business. But now it’s sexy personal.

So prepare yourself. You’ve got one big fuck on your hands. I may be going down. On you. But I’m going down swinging. My dick.

1, 2, 3 FUCK!

Hello there. Those of you expecting an imagined monologue by Rex Grossman following last night’s 15-33, 0 TD, 3 INT performance will be sorely disappointed. The Sex Cannon as envisioned by Big Daddy Drew is retired, killed off before the character became too rote and familiar (and thus unfunny).

But that doesn’t mean that Grossman has stopped sucking spectacularly, which means that he still deserves our attention. So, in an ongoing effort to reward people who send us intelligent emails and NOT FUCKING BASEBALL BLOG POSTS WE DON’T DO LINK DUMPS YOU WHORES, we’ve decided to publish this fresh take on Rexy from John Krolik of Truth in a Bullet Fedora, who goes to USC but otherwise seems like an okay person. John writes:

I was originally going to humbly beseech all of you (as I’m sure many readers have), to start a campaign to save Rextacy, as his benching seems imminent at this point, and I don’t know what I’d do without The Sex Cannon firing bolt after bolt of sexually-charged lightning every week.

But then I got to thinking: we should save Rex not just because we love his deviant ways and utter lack of caring for the shackles of quarterbacking or monogamy. We should save Rex because it’s our duty as Americans. America is a country that runs on not giving a fuck, from the little things (oh, a kilometer is 1/10,000th of the distance from the equator to the North Pole? Fuck all of you, we’re using miles because they kick ass.), to the more important things (You don’t think it’s a good idea for us to go to war? Try and stop us, faggots.) Rex plays quarterback like George Bush runs the country, and this is supposed to be America’s game, isn’t it? In fact, when you think about it, Rex’s career path mirrors that of GWB’s: Extreme initial skepticism and hatred from the intellectuals of the game/country, a brief period of redemption (post 9-11/the first half of last season), and then an utter blowup that made everyone say, “wow, we thought he sucked before, but now he REALLY sucks.” (The Iraq War/The Super Bowl and this season.) We want our leaders to have balls; John Kerry and Peyton Manning can be as successful as they want through “doing things right,” but at the end of the day we go “Yeah, but those guys are faggots.”

Well, Rex is no faggot, and while I don’t support George Bush, I think that Rex Grossman is America’s quarterback. And I don’t think he’s going anywhere; people have been hating Bush since the beginning, but he’s been running this motherfucker for 8 years when it’s all said and done.

So, Gay Mafia, save Rex. It’s your duty as Americans.

Pretty good, John. Thanks for your cogent argument and top-notch syntax. However, KSK’s belief is that there is no need to save Rex. Even if he DOES get benched — which Lovie Smith says ain’t happenin’ — he will live on in our memories. NFL fans will always have a little bit of Rex in them.

By which I mean, we’ve all been inseminated.

Hello, there. Gentlemen. Ladies. Children, to whom I am more or less indifferent. I’m Rex Grossman. Also, known as The Sex Cannon Known As Rex Grossman. As you know, I play quarterback for the Chicago Bears. And, if I do say so myself, I look pretty fucking hot doing it.

Let me explain something to you Rexettes out there. I don’t wear an athletic supporter out there. I don’t. Too constrictive. My cock does not like being reigned in, and I am not one to go against the wishes of Dr. Death And His Satchel (that’s my nickname for the entire three-piece set). So, before every game, I put on a football belt with the hip pads laced through. Nothing else. Then, I walk in front of a full-length mirror and masturbate to myself masturbating. Then, and only then, do I put on my game pants. We wear white game pants at home. In HD, you can really see my enormous phalange about to burst out of the pant laces. God, it feels so fucking good. Excuse me for a moment.

/finds a woman, nails her

Much better. Anyway, I’m here to ask for your support. Lots of people (strictly men, I assure you) in the Chicago area have recently taken to criticizing me in public. I don’t really know what I did to deserve this. I took you people to a Super Bowl last year. And, thanks to me, Cook County experienced a record number of childbirths in the past year. That’s fucking production. If you don’t like it, fuck you in the nostril.

So what if I fumble a snap or two? Wouldn’t you? I gotta put my hands on Olin Kreutz’ kreutzpie every goddamn play. Yuck. It just feels faggity and wrong. I’ve told coach Smith on many occasions that the Cumslinger works only from the shotgun. But he doesn’t listen, man!

So I’m asking for your help. Are you a Bears a fan? Do you have season tickets? Are you attending a Bears game anywhere this year? Then I want to see a visible sign that you are a member of my Sexy Army. Bring signs. Hold them up. Make sure they say shit like:

-SEX CANNON
-REX IS THROWING IT DOWNFIELD
-DUMPOFF PASSES ARE FOR H—S
-REX UNLEASHES THE DRAGON
-SEXY REXY HAS THE DRAGON.
-REX IS IN THE SEXY BUSINESS.

Or get creative. I don’t care. I’m not a writer. I’m a fucker. Take pictures of your signage in the lot or at the stadium and send them to the lazy douches here at KSK. You’ll get your pics posted and you’ll get a free Sex Cannon t-shirt, a $2.50 value. If you manage to get your sign on live television, you’ll get two free t-shirts and a free fingerbanging, courtesy of yours truly.

You have your marching orders. Let’s light this candle.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

What is this, like a kiddie birthday party? With cake and punch and all that shit? That’s cute. You guys gonna play Pin The Tail On Donkey? Sounds like fun.

Your party is fucking gay.

When I had my birthday, we rented out a warehouse in downtown Chicago. Then we filled it knee high with baby oil and flew in nothing but Penthouse Pets. Did I shoot frozen ropes of Rexjelly all night long? I did indeed. I taught all of those girls and that zebra what a good, hard boning is. I like to fuck. It feels good. We had a raw bar and Queens of The Stone Age played. I don’t see any of that here. It’s not even a real party. You’re just fucking nerds online. I bet your “party” consisted of you heading to the shitter to jerk off. Sounds like a blast. Are you wearing tuxes to work today?

Faggots.

Someone go deep. I wanna give my armcock a workout.

Today is another special day here at KSK and I’m pleased be introducing you to the newest offerings in our line of haute-couteur. Earlier in the offseason we debuted the collection with the uber-exclusive Sex Cannon logo. Well after a long discussion with Rextacy himself I learned that multiple designs–like orgasms–are vastly supperior to the singular alternative. So brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen (mostly ladies) because we’re unloading the goodness all over your chest.

The single greatest crop of quarterbacks to ever hit the NFL Draft was supposed to make us forget all about Marino, Elway, and all the other old fuckers that we didn’t like that much to begin with. At KSK we honor this mishapen menagerie of signal callers, even if a few of them are selling robot insurance at Leisureworld.

Truthfully I just made this shirt because I really wanted it for myself. I liked the way it came out so I decided to make it available to the general public. So here they are, three different styles of the ubiquitous Starting 5 shirt.

The five greats featured in their team color on lightweight coton flanked by the heavyweight t-shirt in black with gold and the ladies option. If you are looking for different colors or styles all you have to do is email me with your request, we’re quite flexible.

Are you sexy? Do you make said sexy work for you? Then you my friend are in the Sexy Business. Another homage to our favorite Sex Cannon this shirt sums up everything that is the cumslinger.

But what about the ladies??? Oh don’t worry about that, it’s about time we spread the sexy downstairs.

Ah…combine the sublime hotness that is the hip hugging undergarment with the overt sexiness of KSK and you’re guarnateed to attract some attention (especially if you’re wearing nothing else).

Now all we need is some models! We tried putting them on Ape’s cat but…uh…that didn’t end well. So all you lady readers out there need to get your shit in gear! Free merchandise for the first piece of ass to send us that picture.

Greetings from the lovely shores of Cancun, Mexico! Or should I say, hola?! As you can see, I’m currently enjoying my spring break. Many American college students have a spring break that lasts one or two weeks. Mine, on the other hand, lasts from March 21 to June 21. It’s not really a spring break. It’s just spring. And lemme tell ya, spring is a good time for fuckin’. Isn’t that right, Manny?

Manny: Si, Senor Rexy. Otra Tecate?

You’re goddamn right I’ll have another. Aaaaahhh!!! I am so fucking relaxed. Manny here is the best bartender Fat Tuesdays has ever employed. And I should know. I’ve met all of them! Now I know some of you Bears fans are concerned about what happened in the Super Bowl. But let me just say, that hasn’t bothered me in the slightest, so I see no reason why it should bother you! There’s still plenty of gun powder left in the ol’ Cannon, if you catch my drift. And if you don’t, I’m referring to the amount of semen in my cockbag. Ain’t that right, Manny?

Manny: Es muy grande, amigo.

Fuckin’ A. God, I love it down here! You should have seen the girl I took home last night. She had a big round ass, with a crack so deep, you just wanted to fill it with taco meat.

Manny: Bien comida, senor.

Muy bien, compadre. Some of you might be wondering what I’ve been doing to improve my game during my three-month stay down here. Let me tell you something, Rex Grossman doesn’t do minicamps. Okay? There’s nothing mini about what I do. I only do things that are large, throbbing, and have the potential to kill lesser men. But, to put you at ease, I assure you I’ve been thoroughly working the two most important muscles in my body: the Dragon, and ol’ Chief Riding Bull down below.

Every morning, I wake up at 11:59AM, fuck, and then head to the beach. Then, I play volleyball using ONLY MY RIGHT ARM for a solid fifteen minutes. After that, the ladies usually come flocking. It’s like the Axe Effect, only I don’t need the Axe. Fuck Axe. And fuck Tag. I get the ladies to come calling with my OWN musk, bitch. After that…

Manny: (laughs)

Yeah, you KNOW what happens next, don’t you, Manny?

Manny: CANNON FIRE, senor!

Hell, yeah! Slap me cinco, motherfucker! I told you my English would rub off on you! You know, I haven’t read the paper much lately. What’s goin’ on in the world, Manny?

Manny: Senor Imus es un cabron.

Don Imus? Pfft. He’s about as sexy as a pregnancy test. I heard they released our schedule. You got that?

Manny: Si. Si. El preseason, senor?

No, skip the preseason. That’s maricon shit.

Manny: Los Chargers?

With Norv Turner coaching? That’s a win.

Manny: Los Chiefs?

Versus Chief Riding Bull? That’s a win.

Manny: Los vaqueros?

Cowboys? That’s a win. I like reverse cowgirl fucking.

Manny: Los Lions?

Pfft. Win.

Manny: Los Packers?

Against Oldey McShitmypants? Win. I am that asshole’s Bennie Blanco: younger, better, SEXIER. Remember Bennie Blanco, Manny?

Manny: Si. Era un badass. Los Vikings?

Win.

Manny: Los Eagles?

Win. Okay, okay, I’ve heard enough. They’re all fucking wins, Manny. I’mma plow through the league, then plow through the rest of Latin America. Sound good, amigo?

Manny: Viva el Cumslinger!

Long live me, indeed. See you in September, everybody!

Photoshop job courtesy of the incomparable twoeightnine

UPDATE: Want a “Viva el Cumslinger!” t-shirt? Of course you do.