Leading up to the draft, we’ll be giving you exclusive inside access to the war rooms of various teams across the league. Today: the Seattle Seahawks.

Tim Ruskell, General Manager: Thanks for coming, gents. You all are the backbone of this team, the respective hearts of the offense and defense. In order to help figure out where we need to add youth, can you all state how old you’ll be at the start of this season?

Julian Peterson, OLB: 29.

Patrick Kerney, DE: 30.

Ruskell: Wait. Aren’t you a speed rusher?

Kerney: Yup.

Ruskell: And you’re 30?

Kerney: Yessir.

Ruskell: All year? No chance of getting younger?

Kerney: I feel young at heart.

Ruskell: What was the deal we gave you this offseason?

Kerney: Six years, $39.5 million.

Ruskell: Good Christ! What was I thinking?!?

Peterson: Sir, we needed someone to replace Grant Wistrom, who was a year older. And much slower. Also, I believe you were on quaaludes that day.

Ruskell: Ah yes. That takes me back. Say, whatever happened to Wistrom? Class act. I loved his Halloween party.

Ruskell: Good. Fucker was dead weight on this sinking ship. [pause] Anyway. Carry on, the rest of you. Ages.

Matt Hassebeck, QB: Uh, 32.

Shaun Alexander, RB: 30.

Deion Branch, WR: 28.

Darrell Jackson, WR: 28.

Walter Jones, OT: 33.

Mack Strong, FB: 36.

Ruskell: Fuck. My. Ass. Nobody’s younger?

Hasselbeck: Sir, many of the players on defense and our offensive line are younger.

Ruskell: Name one known outside the state of Washington. Besides Lofa Tatupu.

Hasselbeck: Ummm… Kelly Jennings?

Ruskell: Fuck you. You’re in the Asshole Box. No talking, five minutes. Got it?

Hasselbeck: [nods, hangs head]

Ruskell: Okay, so who should we take for our first round pick?

Branch: Uh, that’s me.

Ruskell: Why would I draft you? You’re already on the team.

Branch: No sir, last year you traded your first round pick to New England for me.

Ruskell: Oh, shit. Forgot about that. Must be nice to finally be paid, though, huh?

Branch: Yes, sir. And how.

Ruskell: I met [Patriots' personnel director Scott] Pioli last offseason. He actually picked up loose change off the street. He went to the bathroom while we were figuring out the tip for lunch.

Branch: I believe it, sir.

Ruskell: Right. So, second round. Let’s see… number 55 overall. What are our biggest needs?

Alexander: Tight end, offensive line, tight end, and we could use a little depth in the secondary.

Strong: I am fucking ancient.

Alexander: Fullback, too.

Ruskell: Does anyone have any good news for me?

Kerney: You’ll free up a lot of cap room when you cut me in two years.

Branch: I saved 15% by switching to Geico car insurance.

Ruskell: We’re not getting anyone from this draft, are we?

Everyone: No.

Ruskell: Looks like I’m gonna need to make a move. Guess who’s getting traded?

Jackson: …me?

Ruskell: Ding ding ding. Pack your bags, vestigial wideout.

I suppose that headline’s a bit of misnomer. I’m actually pretty happy that clown drunk drove himself off the Seahawks and onto a new team where he’ll get a nice little suspension and a league-minimum contract.

But I’m not here to call out our spoiled, self-entitled, idiot sports stars. I’m here to call out the hero-worshiping, holier-than-thou, dumbfuck sports fans.

Allow me to elaborate. Last season I posted an open letter to Jerramy Stevens that said, in essence, “I’ve tried really hard to cheer for you, but you’re just too much of a goddam jackass.” I wrote it in early November, after Stevens had a killer game against the Raiders in which he got flagged for a critical 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty, dropped a possible TD pass, and instigated the Tyler Brayton knee-groin incident.

In January, a commenter identifying himself as “C.P.” added this gem, directed at me and other commenters who happened to agree that Stevens was an immature boor whose play didn’t make up for his attitude (I’ve taken the liberty of adding sics, because it’s a nice easy way to make a person look even dumber):

What a bunch of jackasses…you all need to get out of your house [sic] more and get an actuall [sic] life!! So the guy made a few mistakes when he was younger!! Big F’n deal!! If we were all made to pay for mistakes we made while young and stupid even though we learned from them and no longer act iun [sic] that manner, where would we all be now. [sic] Give the guy a break. Maybe he needs to get his head on straight and start being a little more consistent, but he is big, stron [sic], athletic and when he is on he is one of the top players at his position!! I’m sickl [sic] of listening to asswipes like you beatin a guy down when it’s obvious what he needs is HOME FAN support, not more negativity from some hack football fan who want’s [sic] to lump his Jerramy’s career into a microcosm like the Raider game. Big deal!! He was all we had against the Cowboys and you should be damn fortunate we had him!!

Oh shit. I had no idea it was my lack of faith that made him suck. Let’s have a quick look at the mistakes Stevens made when he was young. And I guess 27 counts as young, because that’s his age now.

1998: Breaks man’s jaw with baseball bat.
2000: Accused of drugging and raping a 19-year-old girl at UW. Cleared of charges.
2001: Crashes car into retirement home, charged with hit-and-run.
2003: Charged with DUI after police find two half-empty champagne bottles in his car.
2006: $15,000 fine for instigating Bratton’s knee.
2007: Charged with DUI.

Wow, I wish I could not be blamed for my youthful mistakes that span almost a decade into my late 20s. So… where you at now, C.P.? Is this one my fault, too?

This grand “fuck you” goes not just to C.P., but to ALL sports fans who think their favorite pro athletes’ shit doesn’t stink. You all can head over to the all-you-can-eat cock buffet. I believe the Ray Lewis fans are already there.