Yesterday, the AA battery that powered my wireless mouse died, and because I didn’t have time to search my apartment for batteries, I worked for about 30 minutes using my laptop’s touchpad, a loathsome task for me at work because I’m completely dependent on the click-wheel. After I finally dug a new battery out of my toolbox, I was going to write a humorous tweet about it, complaining about the AGONY I had just endured.

But then I stopped myself, because I just KNEW that someone would have replied “DURRRR #firstworldproblems” or “#whitewhine” or some crap like that. And to the people who might be inclined to do that, please accept this message from the bottom of my heart:

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Your Meast for Week 5 is Jahvid Best, who greatly improved the five inches per carry average he had posted for the season prior to Monday night’s victory over the Bears with 163 yards on 12 carries, including an 88-yard untouched touchdown sprint. Be sure to start him in fantasy this week when he follows that up with 38 yards rushing and one catch for 13 yards.

Any team that goes from record futility to burgeoning powerhouse within a three-year span is bound to become an instant media darling. And that’s fine. Unless you’re a fan of a division rival, you probably feel good for Lions fans. You might have already given one a patronizing pat on the head. They deserve it. So of course ESPN is gonna do their best to make us hate the Lions by blowing smoke up their asses.

Why would you include preseason victories in that streak? Would anyone have quibbled with that had Detroit dropped a meaningless preseason game? Nine wins in a row not impressive enough? Before you know it, ESPN is gonna air a segment explaining how Matt Millen really planted the seeds for this resurgence by drafting Megatron. Don’t think they won’t.

Also receiving Meastly consideration: Jason Pierre-Paul, Dwayne Bowe, THE BEN and Sebastian Janikowski.

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We totally forgot to do a Meast & Least post for the Week 4 games, so allow us to correct that now. We’re pleased to announce that Tony Romo has once again won the Jeff George Memorial Least of the Week. He can put this one on the mantle next to his Week 1 Least, and as I write this a blitzing linebacker is approaching Romo’s blindside to knock the Week 2 Meast trophy out of his hands. After he retires, his most lasting legacy may be a collection of pictures of him lying on the ground in anguish.

Seriously, it’s HARD WORK to blow a 24-point second half lead. AT HOME. But three interceptions (two of them pick-sixes) will get the job done. As someone who drafted the Lions D in two fantasy leagues, I thank you, Tony Romo. Keep blowing games in memorable fashion. It’s incredibly fun to watch.

Your Meast from Week:

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Joe Namath went on the radio to express his concerns regarding the Jets. More specifically, he’s taking issue with what he feels is a case of overconfidence brought on by having an awesome coach who seems to know what he’s doing.

“It starts at the top,” Namath said on “The Michael Kay Show” on ESPN Radio. “Coach Rex Ryan I think has been doing a great job getting the team to two championship games. But if there’s one thing about the athlete, if you keep telling him how good he is, he’s going to start believing it, to the point that he may not be preparing not quite the way he should. He may be losing some respect for the other team.”

Tell us more about “the athlete,” Joe. What is the best way to condition his psyche? Can you recommend a particular brand of vitality tonic to aid in recovery?

Though he probably didn’t have to, Ryan responded to Namath’s concerns shortly thereafter.

“Joe Namath can come in here, and if he can still throw, we’ll have him as a backup quarterback [he’s 68]. He doesn’t know our team. He’s on the outside. Even though he’s a Jet, and once you’re a Jet you’re always a Jet … but he’s on the outside, he’s not in these meetings. I think if he was he’d be shocked at the preparation.”

When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way. From your first cigarette to your last dyin’ day. Unless you cross Rex Ryan, in which case your can go drown in Puerto Rican poontang for all anyone cares.

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Before we get to this week’s Meast and Least, I’d like to pimp Blogs with Balls for a moment. Blogs with Balls 4 is this weekend in New York City, and if you’re thuper-theriouth about sports blogging, you should pony up the $150 and watch the very good blogging awards and panels put together by Dany Levy and the guys who run Hugging Harold Reynolds, respectively.

I’m gonna be there. PUNTE’s gonna be there. Old-school first-generation Internet types like Shanoff and Jamie Mottram will be there (that picture’s via Mottram’s Tumblr, btw). Amazingly funny people like Matt Sebek and J.E. Skeets and Tas Melas will be there. And women! The fantastic Amanda Rykoff and the wonderful Maggie Hendricks and Amy K. Nelson of ESPN and Emma Carmichael of Deadspin and Jemele Hill and probably some dudes’ girlfriends, too. There’s an entire panel featuring nine people from Deadspin. Nine! I remember when it was just Leitch. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are also gonna be REAL ACTUAL ATHLETES, plus people from credible publications like SI (Richard Deitsch and Jimmy Traina). I’M GONNA SHAKE TRAINA TIL HE COUGHS UP KATE UPTON’S NUMBER. And then we’re gonna go drink some booze.

Anyway. Buy tickets here. That’s my shilling for the day. Let’s get to the awards.

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Because I live in the podunk ville of New York City, Time Warner is the only cable option I have. DirecTV isn’t available to me, and TWC doesn’t even carry the NFL Network. Unless I go to a sports bar, I get stuck with a Jets-Giants doubleheader every Sunday. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had the fortune of experiencing the football-viewing Valhalla that is the RedZone Channel. I ache to watch the RedZone Channel; I walk through autumn feeling less than whole.

On Sunday, I spent most of the day — 11 a.m. on the West Coast until 8 p.m. on East Coast — on a flight from San Francisco to New York because it’s 2011 and BITCHES ARE STILL GETTING MARRIED DURING FOOTBALL SEASON. But it wasn’t so bad: I fly JetBlue, so I had the comforts of live TV — the delightful Pittsburgh-Baltimore ass-stomping on CBS, Philly at St. Louis on Fox, and even some Rugby World Cup on NBC for when both games were in commercials. I had no complaints.

Things slowed down in the afternoon: Giants-Redskins was the only game available, and I didn’t have a fantasy rooting interest on either team. Frankly, it sucked. Unless they’re fumbling and throwing picks, Rex Grossman and Eli Manning are boring in their mediocrity. But then, with ten minutes left in the 4th quarter, I noticed something: the guy across the aisle from me was watching Seahawks-49ers. I tapped him on the shoulder and asked him how he was getting a different game.

“RedZone Channel,” he said. My eyes went wide. “Scroll up into the 30s, it’s there instead of TV Land.”

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He’s a doughty Doty.

We don’t typically bestow our pointless awards during the off-season, but sometimes extraordinary circumstances force us to action. In this case, the action of celebrating things that please us.

With that awkward preface out of the way, your Meast for this week is U.S. District Judge David Doty, who yesterday struck down an earlier, shittier court decision that would have allowed the fat, stupid asshole NFL owners to sit on a $4 billion war chest of funds acquired through questionable agreements with the television networks. While this certainly doesn’t eliminate the chance that a lockout will be imposed later this week, it does mean that the owners now actually have an incentive to get a deal done some time before next year now that their precious lockout insurance has been swept out from under them.

So you go, crusty old white guy. This next ginger snap is in your honor. After all, I can say without qualm that this towering feat of jurisprudence is more significant than Brown v. the Board of Education, Mapp v. Ohio and Loving v. Virginia combined.

That is, it would be, if only it weren’t carried out by the most impartial labor advocate on the federal bench. PK will tell you. ACTIVIST JUDGE! ACTIVIST JUDGE! ACTIVIST JUDGE!

Yes, the fact that we need to tailor the Constitution so that Goodell’s supreme executive power can no longer be undermined by the courts. NOBODY ELECTED YOU, DOTY. GOODELL WAS ELECTED BY A UNANIMOUS 32-0 TALLY BY THE OWNERS IN 2006. WITH THAT KIND OF MANDATE, HE IS FREE TO STEAMROLL THE PLAYERS UNION AT HIS WHIM!

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Your Meast for Super Bowl XLV is – shock of shocks! – Aaron Rodgers, who was also granted an even more widely hallowed distinction than Meast for his efforts on Sunday. Was it The Bridgestone Tires Rubber Meets The Road Big Wheel of the Game? I can’t recall. But it was shiny. Of course, all the media had to ask him in the days that followed was whether or not he expected a congratulatory phone call from Brittfar. Because that was what this was all about for Rodgers, you see. Not the adulation nor the glory. Only recognition from the Dongslinger.

Joking momentarily aside, the throw Rodgers made on the seam route to Greg Jennings on 3rd and 10 from the Packers side of the field during their final clock-killing field goal drive was perhaps the most important of the many pinpoint passes he had during the evening.

Yeah, that’s pretty much perfect.

/shotguns Drano

//dies laughing watching Charles Woodson wince while trying to celebrate on the sideline

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First cheerleaderless Super Bowl ever? Save us Jaime Edmondson, you’re our only hope. Nothing brings on a softie faster than a match-up of fans prone to churning out poorly altered lyrics from classic rock songs.

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The NFLPA has made today #LETUSPLAY day, which probably means little to nothing to you useless you happen to follow a bunch of NFL players on Twitter. Even if you do, you’d be excused for mostly ignoring it. The gist is that players are all tweeting a plea to owners to allow them to play the next season and not force a lockout that would needlessly damage the sport. Sure, it’s a pointless gesture, but it’s hard to fault the players for getting the message out there. Nevertheless, someone has:

Myself, I’m saying no. No, I’m sorry, you don’t get to have a #LETUSPLAY day. Instead, how about every day be declared #SHUTUPANDWORKITOUTDAY until you people can decide on the best way to divide up your billions?

How dare you ask people to “do [their] part as a fan”, as if it’s the fans who aren’t doing enough here. You know what a fan’s job is? It’s to watch and enjoy this game. To spend money on tickets, television packages and merchandise. To submit our eyeballs to commercials before and after every single kickoff in a game.

You know that gigantic pile of money you guys can’t decide how to divide? That came from us. That was us, doing our part. It is not our part to take a side in your petty battle over who gets to roll around in more of that money.

Uh, MJD? You should probably realize the impending lockout, should it happen, is almost entirely the fault of the ownership, who are basically asking the players to forfeit money, play more games and receive essentially nothing in return. I’ve liked MJD for some time and continue to appreciate his work at Shutdown Corner, for no other reason than that he’s not Chris Chase. But the tedious and trite millionaires versus billionaires dichotomy doesn’t work here. It’s billionaires versus everybody. I can understand how you might not feel horrible for some NFL players, who won’t struggle at all financially even if they don’t play a single down next season, but you can mourn the far larger group of players for whom a lost season will mean a significant loss of income. Oh, and you can mourn a year without the great game we’ll be losing.

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