Someone at my gym was telling me about a guy who went into the hospital with back pain; he told the doctors he was afraid he had spine flu. And that’s not a joke. That apparently really happened, according to the second-hand story that I’m now making a third-hand story.

Naturally, I spent the next ten minutes thinking about various influenza FAILs. Like, there’s a pine flu epidemic in the Northwest… I’m not sure if this is a hangover or wine flu… Sarah Jessica Parker has a nasty case of equine flu. Et cetera.

I bring this up because I was sick for the last three days. I had this weird stomach pain that wasn’t quite gas and wasn’t quite indigestion, and mixed with my light sleeping habits it wrecked my REM sleep. I ended up taking something like six naps over the span of two work days while consuming a helluva lot of healthy crap like miso soup and peppermint tea. And the kicker was this: no booze or caffeine for MORE THAN TWO DAYS.

That’s no way to live, people. Don’t trust Mormons, those people are powered by the dark arts.

Week 10 Meast and Least below:

Your Meast this week is LaDainian Tomlinson, who returned to relevance with 96 yards, two touchdowns, and a brand new embryo in his wife’s uterus. Those numbers aren’t as impressive as Chris Johnson’s, but Johnson was up against the shitty Buffalo run D, and besides, he won the Meast last week. Also in the running was Peyton Manning, but Pey-Pey had two ugly picks and benefited from Belichick’s Leastiness. Besides, it’s too much fun to torture the Colts fans who care about arbitrary awards handed out by half-assed blogs.

Speaking of the Least…

That right there is one sulk photo for every interception Jay Cutler threw on Thursday night, arranged in order of increasing sulk. What an absolute delight.

Chris Johnson is your lion-maned Meast after shredding the 49ers defense for 135 yards and two scores. Add to that the fact that he had another 80-yard TD nullified by penalty after it was ruled he stepped out of bounds, and that’s a textbook Meastian performance. We almost gave it to him the other week after his “getting-away-from-the-cops speed” game, but opted to shock the world with Ted Ginn instead. Gus Johnson was later forced to apologize for that remark (he defended the call by saying people of all races run from the police, which is true, BUT ONLY BLACK PEOPLE GET AWAY!), which is about as stupid as Muslim groups having to apologize for the Fort Hood shooting. But people are stupid and expect these things, I guess. Anyway, if Johnson were on any less putrid of a team, he’d probably be in the thick of the MVP race. He’s on pace to run for close to 2,000 yards and is averaging an insane 6.7 yards per carry. That’s more than the Redskins gain most weeks.

Your Least this week is Champ Bailey, who’s often wrongly still referred to as the best cover corner in the NFL, even though it’s been a few years since that’s actually been the case. Sorry, Champ, Darrelle Revis and Nnamdi Asomugha done took yo shit. After the Broncos secondary was fluffed for the entire first half of last night’s game, Bailey was routinely torched by Santonio Holmes in the second. He then capped the night by letting a small dirty playing Asian guy jump over him into the endzone for some piling-on points. We also considered Andy Reid and DeAngelo Hall this week, but then we know they’ll be back for more suckling at the teat of suck in no time at all.

Are you kidding me? He looked like he still had another gear he didn’t even need. Holy shit! Where in the hell has this been the past couple of years? And did you see the way he stopped short on the second TD? Fuck me! Go ahead and watch it again, I’ll wait… Christ, you don’t see moves like that very often. Is Ginn about to go on a Dante Hall/Devin Hester type unholy tear for the rest of the season or was this just a fluke? Maybe this guy has been languishing in Miami for a reason? Crap, I don’t know. I need to watch this video a few more times and then lay down for a while. Maybe take a nap.

Your Least of the Week is SOSA Rams cornerback James Butler who understands the touchback rule the way I understand Chinese algebra…

I have a smoke alarm in my home to prevent my family from burning to death in the middle of the night. I also have a carbon monoxide alarm, lest someone in the house pull a Vitas Gerulaitis. I have yet to have an unreasonable amount of smoke or carbon monoxide set these alarms off. But they go the fuck off anyway, usually when the battery is run down and needs to be replaced. And this always, ALWAYS fucking happens in the middle of the night. The fucking thing will go off at 3AM, and I don’t know what the fuck it is, and then I’ll wake up trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, then the alarm will buzz again, then I REALLY won’t know where the fuck the sound is coming from, and by then I’ll be wide awake and mega pissed, until I finally track down the source of the noise and am then unable to go to sleep again for the rest of the night. Happened last night. These things are the fucking tell-tale hearts of emergency signaling equipment.

You listen to me, smoke detector manufacturers of the world: I FUCKING HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS. I hope you all die in fires your shitty products failed to detect. It’s 2009. Find a fucking way to build a fucking alarm that doesn’t run on a 9-volt battery, that only beeps when there is a real big fucking fire, and that doesn’t emit a high-pitched squeal that ruptures my fucking inner ear at o’dark thirty. YOU FUCKING DICKSMACKS. I fucking hate you. I FUCKING HATE YOU. I WILL SMASH THESE FUCKING ALARMS WITH A GODDAMN RUBBER MALLET.

You know what? I hope there is a fire. I hope my home burns the fuck down, so that I can finally get some use of your piece of shit products. I bet the thing doesn’t even successfully detect a REAL fire. I bet it only goes off when you’ve left a fucking Pop Tart in the toaster for too long. I bet you specifically engineered these things to cause me nothing but pain and suffering and BLIND, DEATHLY ANGER. DIE. DIE FOREVER IN A WHITE HOT BALL OF SEARING FLAME.

Anyway, the Meast! Lots of great candidates out there this week. Darren Sharper. Carson Palmer. Dallas Clark for that kickass TD grab. The Jets’ o-line. But your Meast this week is CEDRIC BENSON!

What a weekend for pothead Texas running backs. Benson crushes his old team, and Ricky takes it to the house three times. Well done, you flaky little shits!

As for your Least, again, no shortage of candidates. Delhomme. Jeff Reed. Delhomme. Dan Snyder. Delhomme. Frankly, Delhomme is an honorary co-least every week. He’s like the RSTLNE they give you in the Wheel of Fortune bonus round. He’s a throw-in. We’re going with Matt Cassel. Ninety yards against a pretty lousy Chargers defense. Can we say he blows now? He does! HE BLOWS!

As you know, the Patriots gang-raped Tennessee 59-0 on Sunday. Tom Brady threw for six touchdowns that day, which naturally led us to wonder if he should be named Meast of the Week. I mean, damn. Six touchdowns. AND HE DID IT IN OW-UH FACKIN’ THROWBACKS, THE CLASSIEST THROWBACKS IN THE FACKIN’ WARLD! Practically mandates he be named King Measty.

And we were prepared to do that, until we got the following email. This comes to us from a Daniel Steele, almost certainly from parts Massachusettsian. The subject line was “Mest of the week”. We also would have accepted Bort of the Week. If Daniel didn’t attend Holy Cross, I don’t know which way is up. All spelling and grammatical errors here are, of course, SIC:

Dear faggets-

I would like to nominate Tom Brady for Meast of the Week. i know you cumsuckers are anti New england fans and probably will just delete my email…

Or post it for all to ridicule. You should really play out these scenarios in advance, Daniel.

…but the numbers he put up on sUnday werre AMAZINNNG!!!! And not just for one game, but should win the award for the first half alone. He did more in 1 half then most qb’s do in 3 weeks:

59 Most points in a game

NOTE: Not an actual NFL record.

45 Most points in a half (fi rst half)

35 Most points in a quarter (second quarter)

Again, not a record.

619 Most total net yards in a game

426 Most passing net yards in a game (tie)

No. Not a record. He must be talking about Patriot team records, in which case I REALLY don’t give a shit.

8 Most touchdowns in a game (tie)

Again, not a record, not even a tie for a record.

345 Most passing yards in a half (Tom Brady)

6 Most passing touchdowns in a game (Brady, tie)

Again, not a record.

5 Most touchdown passes in a quarter (Brady)

59-0 Ties the largest shutout victory by an NFL team

Nope.

…and the largest margin of victory since the 1970 AFL-NFL merger. The LA Rams defeated Atlanta 59-0 on Dec. 4, 1976.

Everyone talks about how the yankees (they suck!)

Get out. They suck? Lemme just amend their 10-1 victory from last night then. If I scratch out the one there… 0-1. There. ANGELS WIN. SUCKINESS CONFIRMED.

have ahigh powered offence in baseball, well the Patriots are the REAL DEAL in football. And we will be the best agin this year irregardless of what you queer bloggers think!

Go Pats, Tom Brady should win your stupid award this week!!

Well Daniel, NO. NO. Tom Brady isn’t winning our pointless award this week, or ever. NEVER, THANKS TO THIS EMAIL. Even if he manages to break ACTUAL records, we still won’t give him the award. Even if the Patriots beat every team 59-0 for the rest of the fucking year, and Tom Brady somehow manages to invent the flying hoverboard, we STILL won’t give it to him. Why don’t you go the fuck home, throw on a beanie, read Barstool
Sports, and shove your Parliaments up your ass, Packy Boy. Your Meast of the Week is Eddie fucking Royal.

Two return TDs against the Chargers. Say, what do you know? That ties a REAL NFL RECORD! Good job, Eddie! You’re totally the best! No one comes close to matching your meastiness this week! I could NOT think of a better, more deserving candidate. We should give it to you every week.

Oh, and your Least of the Week is the entire Titans roster. Of course you won 59-0, Patriots fans. The Titans couldn’t be worse if you gunned them all down in their sleep. YOUR VICTORY CLEARLY SHOULDN’T EVEN COUNT. IT WAS THE RESULT OF SHEER LUCK OF FACING A LIFELESS OPPONENT. I AM CASUALLY DISMISSING YOUR TRIUMPH AS BOSTON FANS WOULD THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF A TEAM THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN.

Suck on that, Daniel.

If you watched the end of the Broncos-Patriots game as I did, you remember sitting there for a solid minute or two after Matt Prater’s game winning kick as CBS cameras gleefully followed Bill Belichick around as he tried to search through the crowd on the field, in vain, for his lost love Josh McDaniels. It was just like the subway scene at the end of Crocodile Dundee.

Belichick wandered around for ages in his gay little hat, looking around for McDaniels so he could grudgingly shake his hand. “mumblemumble where is that little fucker so I can get this over with mumblemumble.” All the while, you have Jim Nantz being a fucking dipshit and telling you how much these two love one another and how much respect they have for one another. They should just call Nantz the fucking Whitewasher and get it over with. EVERYONE GETS ALONG IN NANTZLAND!

Then, eventually, at the end of the above video, Belichick starts running toward the tunnel and gives that “oh, fuck it” look and jogs in the tunnel without ever having seen McDaniels. It’s a delight of comic unfulfillment. “mumblemumble well FUCK HIM THEN, I guess mumblemumble”. Meanwhile, McDaniels is on the other side of the field going all Howard Dean on the crowd BEEYAAAWWWWW!!!! All by himself. Is there anything these two men do that doesn’t plumb the nadir of social awkwardness?

Anyway, your Broncos were certainly measty this week, BUT NOT ENOUGH! Your meast of the week is Matt Hasselbeck of the Seahawks.

I know Peyton is already guaranteed the MVP. But holy shit, does Seattle miss this man when he’s gone. There may not be a larger drop in quality from starter to backup anywhere else in the league. It’s staggering how awful they are with Seneca Wallace at the helm, and how capable they are when Hasselbeck is healthy. Also, Hasselbeck isn’t married to a screechy yapcunt.

For this week’s Least of the Week, there was some debate. Do you give it to Horse Balls for completing just two passes, or do you give it to the team that LOST to Horse Balls and his two formidable completed passes? Such a tough choice… no, no. We have to go Horse Balls. Man, that was one historically shitty passing day.

This week’s Meast is none other than Jared Allen of the Minnebretta Favrekings. Allen plowed through Green Bay’s Clifton-less line for 4.5 of the team’s eight sacks. He later celebrated by shooting a black bear and feasting on it’s precious sustentative gallbladder.

You can’t have a Meast without a Least, and this week’s ignominious award goes to Eli Manning’s happy feet…

Int. hospital, later that day

Doctor: So Eli, after examining your foot I’m fairly certain that what you’re suffering from is a fairly common condition called plantar fasciitis.

Eli: Planters is fascist? But I love their nuts.

Doctor: No Eli, what I’m saying is that you have something called plantar fasciitis in your foot.

Eli: Can I ask you something?

Doctor: Of course.

Eli: Is Mr. Peanut involved?

Doctor: I’m telling you this has nothing to do with Planters or their corporate mascot.

Eli: Man, I should have known. Moishe has been warning me about that Jew-hating peanut for years.

Doctor: You’re not understanding me. I’m trying to tell you that I believe you have a medical condition inside of your foot that’s causing you considerable pain.

Eli: Okay doc, just tell me one thing. How did Herr Peanut get into my foot?

Doctor: I’m sorry, do you have some sort of guardian I could speak with?

Eli: Mom’s coming to pick me up when the little hand gets to the 7.

Doctor: Very well, perhaps I’ll speak to her then.

Eli: Sure thing doc, but leave out the part about the Nazi peanut. I don’t want Mom getting wrapped up in anything too messy.

Doctor: She doesn’t have to know anything about it.

Eli: Good, because I think I know just the man for this job.

Doctor: What are you talking abo-

Eli: [begins humming Comin' Home]

Olivia Manning: ELISHA NELSON MANNING, I thought I told you to stop playing Inglourious Basterds! Now come with me, we’re going home.

Eli: But Moo-oom, I have to kill Mr. Peanut!

This weekend, the Patriots are playing the only team in the NFL that could possibly make me root for them, the Purplish Carrion Crows of Deepest Rottencrotch (Officially: Lord Baltimore’s seaside queef depot).

P-Drizzle, so jovial

So it would be the ideal time for me to admit that for the past few months I’ve been seeing a girl who’s (GASP!) a Boston fan. Me! The guy who hates Boston sports teams so much! It’s like I’m actually able to compartmentalize preferences in trivial things and focus on a person’s other, more important, qualities (like tits)! Me! The guy who usually isn’t able to compartmentalize preferences in trivial things and focus on a person’s other, more important, qualities (like tits)!

Luckily, she doesn’t understand football nor does she care at all about the game. This might otherwise be an issue, but is fantastic in this circumstance because her not caring is the only thing keeping her from being a Patriots fan.

(She does actually own a Tedy Bruschi jersey and threatened to wear it to my D.C. book reading. Or just wear it at all. In response, I vowed to visit swift death upon her, which was a surprisingly effective deterrent. Try that one in the future, you guys)

Granted, I still have to put up with (if she’s reading, that means ADORE) the SAWX stuff, but I don’t particularly care about baseball and it’s fun to go to Nationals games and laugh at how she fumes when the Nats play “Sweet Caroline” during pitching changes (”THAT’S OW-UH FACKIN SONG! NO ONE DENIES THIS! EVERYONE HE-UH IS A FACKIN COWPYCAT! THEY AH-RUNT BAHSTONISH ENOUGH!”).

Plus she frequently and openly admits that no one cared about the Pats until they started winning titles, and she gets irritated whenever she talks with someone from back home in Boston who brings up the Patriots while the Red Sox are still playing (”They never used to do that before!”).

So keep reinforcing all the negative stereotypes I have of Bawston football fans, honey, and we’ll get along just fine.

Anyway, your Meast this week is the Detroit Lions. Yes, all of them. Because they won a game, you see. So good job, Larry Foote, er, I mean, everybody! Also, Matt Stafford has fine taste in skanks.

And thank goodness the Lions won, because otherwise we’d be forced to give the Meast to goddamn Peyton Manning. Not that I hate the guy (I don’t) but of all the homer commenters who vent on this site, Colts fans are by far the most annoying dribblecunts when in comes to lobbying for their cherished Fetus Head to win our pointless and arbitrary weekly award.

“Hey, why didn’t you make Peyton the Meast? He only threw for 300-plus yards on four pass attempts, while the offense only had 17 seconds overall in time of possession. He totally makes up for the fact that our run defense couldn’t stop any random running back from averaging six yards per carry.”

“Did you see how funny those ads Pey-Pey has with Justin Timberlake? He makes the people around him funnier! I wonder if Justin does a Dallas Clark impression! Make Peyton the Meast this week and every week! Even during the off-season!”

The last thing I want to do is encourage – or even placate – these raving dipshits, so thanks Lions. You’re the bestest. (But seriously though, don’t be the bestest in Week 5)

Our Least this week could not reasonably be awarded to one hapless individual, so we have riven the dishonor in twain to bestow it upon Jim Zorn, whose random acts of fuckwittery cost his team a game to the fucking Lions, and Jake Delhomme, who will lose to everybody until he is mercifully benched or shot. They also make a fine pair because they’re cornball assholes who aw-shucks their way through sucking.

Hey, look, another Downfall parody! No one in the sports blogosphere ever does that! I guess this one’s different because Redskins fans have Hitler represent their team’s Jewish owner. Oopity!

Someday in near future, when Will Leitch cashes in on his lucrative raisin futures, I hope he will purchase the foundering Jaguars, relocate them to Mattoon, rename them the Fiddlesticks, and fill the roster with nothing but players incapable of or unwilling to swear properly.

Jim Zorn will be their coach. Jake Delhomme will be their quarterback. A bunch of other dithering white players will handle the rest.

[Sideline reporter talks with hollow-eyed Leitch, who watches his team trail 132-0 with 8:31 remaining in the 1st quarter]

Leitch: “Aw cramblebit stew! We almost forced ‘em into a second down on that series! Heavens to Willie McGee, I believe this stratagem was ill-conceived!”

This is a child. It’s not my child, but for our demonstration, this child will do. Few non-parents know this, but children are actually Jedi. It’s true. Allow me to illustrate their technique. Let’s say a child wants a cookie. Here is how they will go about procuring it.

Child: Dad, can I have a cookie?

You: No.

Child: I can have a cookie.

You: No. I just said you can’t.

Child: Yes, I can.

You: No you can’t.

Child: I can have a cookie, because I was good today! (looks at doll) Dolly, can I have a cookie? She says, “Of course you can have cookie!”

You: Eat your berries, and then you can have a cookie.

Child: Umm… no thank you. I don’t need to eat my berries.

You: No, I just said you DO have to eat them.

Child: We don’t have to eat our berries.

You: Yes, you do.

Child: Dad, is it almost time to have a cookie?

You: You’re not listening.

(child pulls chair up to counter, attempts to get cookie)

Child: We can have just one bite.

You: (puts cookies further out of reach) No. Not until you eat your berries.

Child: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(falls to floor, convulses, howls, violently kicks the air)

Child: I DON’T LIKE BERRIES! I WANT A COOKIE!!!

You: Calm down. Just calm down. Just… take one bite of the berries. Just one bite. Then you can have it.

Child: NO!

You: Will you just eat one goddamn bite of it, so I don’t feel like the most impotent parent on earth?

Child: NO! I DON’T LIKE IT!

You: Fine. Fuck it.

Child: (instantly changes demeanor) Dad, is it time to have a cookie?

You: Yeah, here. Have seven of them. Just stop being so fucking annoying.

Child: (does little dance)

And that’s six hours of my day every day. Lousy mind tricks. It’s a wonder the kid doesn’t shoot me with handlightning for hours on end.

Hey, it’s time for the Meast of the Week! It’s Darrelle Revis of the Jets! The lockdown corner who took Randy Moss completely out of the game as the Jets pulled off the upset over the Pats. Someone’s going pussy tubing this weekend…

Someone already did!

And your Least of the Week? Oh, Jeff Reed…

Cry! Cry away, you little douche!

ZOMG! Did you see what Kanye West did at the awards show whose name I can’t remember last week? OMG!!!111!!! He totally interrupted this one girl you don’t care about, telling her some other girl should have won a meaningless award! THAT’S SOME KRAYZEE SHEET! I AM SCANDALIZED! IT’S ALL I CAN TALK ABOUT WITH MY FRIENDS WHILE WE STAND AROUND THE LEG PRESS! IT’S GONNA GO DOWN AS ONE OF THE MOST SHOCKING MOMENTS IN MEANINGLESS AWARD SHOW HISTORY!!! DO YOU REMEMBER WHERE YOU WERE WHEN IT HAPPENED?

The VMA awards have been held every year for over two decades now, and each year it becomes less and less relevant, a stunning achievement for something that was never all that relevant to begin with. It’s always fun to watch MTV hand out awards celebrating the art form of the music video when the network itself never airs any of them. If you’re watching the show, this is probably the first time you’ve actually been introduced to these goofy three-minute clips (none of which this year featured an emo band jumping around on treadmills, much to your chagrin). It would be like if Comedy Central handed out awards each year for carpentry, or if the porn industry handed out awards for achievements in the field of neurosurgery, or if CBS handed out awards for watchable television shows. It makes no sense.

This why, of course, MTV goes out of its way each year to manufacture a supposedly “controversial” moment at the VMA’s to get you to talk about them. Oh, did you not know that little Kanye outburst was planned well in advance? Well, it was. MTV producers went to Kanye and said, “Hey, Kanye, can you do that thing where you’re an arrogant prick? Thanks!” Then they went to Taylor Swift and Beyonce and said, “Hey, how would you two broads like to look classy and sympathetic?” And then Kanye went and acted like an arrogant prick. PRESTO.

That’s how MTV works now. They learned their lesson from that Bruno-Eminem stunt this summer you didn’t buy for a second. No, this was a far more canny staging. But that doesn’t change the fact that it was almost certainly fake. Because you weren’t going to talk the next morning about Cobra Starship winning some gay award for some gay video. No, MTV has to do something that makes a show they know is inherently uninteresting interesting. OMG! BRITNEY AND MADONNA KISSED! THAT LOOKED SO SPONTANEOUS!

MTV makes a baby pool look 50,000 fathoms deep.

Oh hey, time for your Meast and Least of the week! This week’s Meast is Adrian Peterson of the Vikings. You might think this is a homer pick. But those two stiffarms vehemently disagree. ENEMY FACEPALM.

And the Least of the week, by your vote, is Leodis McKelvin of the Bills. I voted for Cutlerfucker, but the people have SPOKEN. Tim McGraw will duct tape that ball to your hands, son.

UPDATE: I READ THE POLL WRONG! JAKE DELHOMME WON IT! FUCK YOU, JAKE! YOU SUCK LIKE AN OSPREY!

Image via the excellent KanyeGate Tumblr

 
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.