If you’re anything like me, you watch the first quarter of NFL preseason games to make hasty snap judgments about who to draft in your fantasy leagues (“I MUST HAVE MIKE WALLACE!”). To that end, anyone who tuned into last night’s Steelers-Broncos game on NBC was treated to a pleasant surprise: a double rainbow at Mile High. It’s a nice metaphor for the beginning of the NFL season. The double rainbow guy sounds like me during Week 1 every fall. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? IT’S SO VIVID! SO INTENSE! OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT FOOTBALL. WOOOOOO!!!!

/cries tears of joy

(By the way, Drew’s on vacation this week, so your weekly dose of Peter King lambasting will be either canceled or late and written by someone else. Either way, you’re going to be unhappy. Deal with it.)

Hello my children. Before I get to explaining the outcomes of this past Sabbath I’d like to address the actions of some of the more retarded worshipers out there on behalf of my favorite prophet. Listen up folks, and listen good, because Moses is up here and he’s smashing everything that isn’t bolted down. You stupid confused assholes need to stop worshiping a false idol. Honestly, I thought we’d been over this before, but now you’re back at it, worshiping a giant golden cow. I mean, are you serious? Don’t you remember what happened the last time you pulled that shit? So cut the crap and stick to worshiping Me, not your precious gold.

Please continue after My holiest of jumps for an explanation of the games that were, along with a quick refresher course on the Ten Commandments.

I. I am Adonai Your God- But in my absence the role can be filled by Adrian Peterson. Purple Jesus can do it all when I deem it necessary, however the Vikings of Minnesota must remember that I help those who help themselves. Gus Frerotte hasn’t exactly been helping himself lately, and frankly I’m getting a little tired of helping his ass. Keep throwing interceptions and next time you can beat Green Bay your own damned self.

II. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me- This one’s a biggie, but in the case of Kurt Warner I’ll make an exception.

Uh…yeah, Kurt? People are starting to talk, so maybe you should just quit fawning over me on national television for a while. Maybe you could thank another deity for the time being, because really, we’re all pretty much the same.

III. You shall not take the Name of Adonai thy God in vain- In case you’ve ever wondered why the Lions have been such a putrid franchise for so long, wonder no more. It’s because William Clay Ford once said something really naughty about me back in the 60′s. So let that be a lesson to the rest of you, and never ever tell me to shove the Five Books of Moses up my ass.

IV. Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy- This one goes out with emphasis to the Raiders of Oakland as well as the Panthers of Carolina. You two might as well have just ripped off your pants and taken a giant steaming dump on the holiest of days. If you’re going to play like that please save it for Thursday Night Football. At least then I can watch The Office. I’m a total Stanley.

V. Honor your father and mother- Listen Chris Snee, I know Tom Coughlin isn’t your real dad, but he is your father in law, so if he says “IF YOU GIVE UP A FUCKING SACK I’LL SLICE YOU OPEN AND SHIT ON YOUR INTESTINES” you should probably try to pick up that blitzer before he gets a finger on little Elisha.

VI. You shall not murder- And yes, this includes manslaughter, which is Jets were running by Leonard Little all day long. The only reason he managed to make that one tackle is because I was distracted at the time by a girl changing clothes with the blinds open in San Diego.

VII. You shall not commit adultery- Come to think of it, I’m just fine with a don’t ask don’t tell policy when it comes to adultery within the NFL. Keep it off the sidelines and I’ll pretend not to see any of Bill Belichick’s off-field dalliances.

VIII. You shall not steal- I’m looking at you, San Francisco, Philadelphia, Kansas City, Seattle, and Pittsburgh. If you guys thought you could play like crap and steal late victories you were dead wrong. Not on my watch, assholes.

IX. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor- This can also be interpreted as “You shall not commit false witness against the Bears.” This is precisely what Kerry Collins was guilty of on Sunday. I know the real Kerry Collins, and that, my children, was not the real Kerry Collins. I calleth shenanigans!

X. You shall not covet- Actually that one is kind of outdated. The Giants of New York should feel free to covet the cheerleading squads of their rivals in Washington, Philadelphia, and Dallas. I mean hell, I thought I was archaic, but nothing compares to an NFL team without quality ass patrolling the sidelines. Covet away guys, I make them that way for a reason.

See? That’s all there is to it! You don’t have to hate gays or picket outside of abortion clinics, just follow those simple rules and you too can join Me in paradise. You should see the size of our nacho platters. It’s enough to keep anyone on the straight and narrow.

Thanks God!