If you’re anything like me, you watch the first quarter of NFL preseason games to make hasty snap judgments about who to draft in your fantasy leagues (“I MUST HAVE MIKE WALLACE!”). To that end, anyone who tuned into last night’s Steelers-Broncos game on NBC was treated to a pleasant surprise: a double rainbow at Mile High. It’s a nice metaphor for the beginning of the NFL season. The double rainbow guy sounds like me during Week 1 every fall. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? IT’S SO VIVID! SO INTENSE! OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT FOOTBALL. WOOOOOO!!!!

/cries tears of joy

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Hello my children. Before I get to explaining the outcomes of this past Sabbath I’d like to address the actions of some of the more retarded worshipers out there on behalf of my favorite prophet. Listen up folks, and listen good, because Moses is up here and he’s smashing everything that isn’t bolted down. You stupid confused assholes need to stop worshiping a false idol. Honestly, I thought we’d been over this before, but now you’re back at it, worshiping a giant golden cow. I mean, are you serious? Don’t you remember what happened the last time you pulled that shit? So cut the crap and stick to worshiping Me, not your precious gold.

Please continue after My holiest of jumps for an explanation of the games that were, along with a quick refresher course on the Ten Commandments.
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