I know this may be difficult to stomach, but during my tenure as White House press secretary, I was privy to a number of damaging, invidious machinations that could undo our basic assumptions about this country and the morals upon which it was founded. Many have never seen the light of day. For instance, did you know the intelligence that led us into the War in Iraq was cooked? If only someone had said something over the past five years!

Furthermore, in my new hardcover book “What Happened?” (which, by the way, was not swiped from your movie title, Mr. Night Shyamalan, so tell your attorneys to quit calling me) I disclose several other mind-bending bombshells.

For instance: The NFL’s New England Patriots spied on other team’s defensive signals.

Yeah. Soak that one up. If you can.

I can feel your confidence in our country’s sense of righteous falling away with each passing sentence. Scotty Too Hotty senses these things. You may ask why I did not come forward earlier. You don’t know what the culture of the White House is like. It’s a bubble from which no credible information escapes. You work 18-hour days. That kind of fatigue will make anyone a toadying crony. I admit I was part of the propaganda machine. It’s not something I am proud of, but at least I can profit from it now.

I did capture this exchange between Patriots coach Bill Belichick and the president when the Patriots visited the White House to celebrate their victory in Super Bowl XXXIX. I was taking notes, because I knew I’d be writing a book later after all the facts had already been divulged by other sources.

Belichick: You know, Mr. President. I have a confession to make and I feel secure in making it because I am only surrounded by your inner circle of trusted associates. Here it is: My team filmed the defensive signals of other NFL teams that we played against. Also I banged several MILFs.

Whew. Load off my mind.

President Bush: That’s funny, because I fudged our reasoning for going to war with Iraq.

Belichick: Huh.

Good thing everybody within earshot is part of your propaganda machine. Otherwise this could be severely damaging to both our legacies.

Bush: Yes. Good thing.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I also happen to know that the administration knowingly tipped off the identity of agent Valerie Plame to Robert Novak. Unbelievable, no? So, please, buy the book. I didn’t knowingly going along with mismanagement of governance for years for nothing, you know?