Thursday night football, everyone’s favorite late-season tradition that is only available to that percentage of the nation that gets NFL Network, returns with a classic AFC West turnover fest. Carson Palmer has thrown three interceptions in each of his two appearances since inspiring the Raiders to mortgage their future in a way that shouldn’t be allowed post-Wall Street bailouts. Meanwhile, current NFL interception leader Marmalard floated two pick-sixes to the Packers a week after his “worst day ever” Romo-esque fumble in a Monday night loss to the Chiefs. That should be sufficient to get you to ignore “Community”, “Parks & Rec” and “Always Sunny”, right?

The most glaring weakness of the Thursday night games, of course, had been the disastrous NFL Network announcing team of Joe Theismann, Matt Millen and Bob Papa, who were mercifully and gloriously dispatched in the off-season. Now we get Brad Nessler and Mike Mayock, who are respectable replacements. Even if sitting through Mayock pronouncing Philip Rivertttthhhhhhhhhh for three hours is likely to wear on the ears.

It’s Championship Week for most fantasy leagues. If you were fortunate enough to make your it to your title game—kudos and gladhands to you. On the other hand, if you are an idiot like me who was counting on Randy Moss and Dez Bryant in the playoffs, then try to take joy wherever you can find it during the remaining regular season. Like hoping your favorite IRL team wrecks someone else’s playoffs hopes, for instance. Along those lines, goooooooo S&B.

Don’t forget, tonight’s Vikes-Iggles game has been rescheduled for Tuesday night–so no SNF open thread tonight. The Little Caesar’s Bowl’s ratings will likely result in an uptick in viewers. Once again, Detroit reaps the rewards of an NFL weather-related postponement. If you don’t like that, The Sound of Music is on ABC, sunshine.

IND @ OAK **
SD @ CIN **
HOU @ DEN (Andre Johnson doubtful) *
NYG @ GB ***
SEA @ TB **

[ image via Just Blog Baby]

Yesterday, in the wee, wee hours of the morning we received an email from KSK reader Fernando G.

I am actually tingling with excitement at the thought of Tebow getting his first start AT Oakland. The benches are way too close to the fans there; I can’t wait for him to accidentally get too close to the front row and have a fan chop his arm off with an ax. If there were a God, he wouldn’t allow Tebow to play for the Broncos in Oakland. This game needs to be shown in every home in the country, and you should have an open thread.

The fact that Fernando is up at this hour inescapably leads me to the following alternatives. Either:
1) Fernando lives in Indonesia; or
2) Fernando works for NORAD; or
3) Fernando is drunk.

Nonetheless, as a fellow Raiders fan and in the spirit of the holidays, I’m indulging Fernando’s request for a special open thread. However, I don’t share Fernando’s desire to see Tebow get his arm lopped off. Unless he tries to convert some of the heathens in the Black Hole. Hate you Donkeys.

DEN @ OAK ****
ATL @ SEA NO STARS
NYJ @ PIT NO STARS & GO TO HELL

Thanksgiving is two days away. I’m slated to work from 5-9 p.m. on Thursday for SB Nation. I guess that means I don’t have to be thankful for anything.

Guilty conscience: “But shouldn’t you at least be thankful that you actually have a job, especially in these dire economic times. Why, there are those who would kill for what you have.”

Alcohol: “STFU.”

Anyway, your Meast for Week 11 is Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson, who scored three touchdowns in Buffalo’s comeback win over Cincinnati. I guess I’m thankful for the way he’s emerged from obscurity to help propel one of my fantasy teams to respectability this year. Greg Jennings put up numbers similar to Johnson’s in the Packers 31-3 reaming of the Vikes, but I’m going to give the edge to Johnson for taunting the dynamic duo of diptardery, Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens, after a touchdown.

Melty faced Raiders fan flubby insisted that we give the Meast to Richard Seymour for clocking Roethlisberger at the end of the first half of the Steelers’ curbstomping of Oakland on Sunday. The rest of us didn’t agree, but I’ll give him an honorable mention anyway.

Seymour, by the way, was fined for the totally non-James-Harrison-elevated amount of $25,000 (totally worth it, says flub) and received no suspension, which just further reinforces the perception that the Steelers get everything they want from the league and blah blah blah blow me.

Your Co-Leasts for Week 11 are Peyton and Eli Manning. Each destroyed their team’s comeback bid in spectacular Manning-esque fashion. Peyton brought the Colts within range of tying a game they had no business being in only to blow it by throwing a terrible interception in the red zone while Elisha stupidly executed a head-first slide when he well past the first down marker, only for the ground to force him to fumble before a defender contacted him. Looks like Eli gets nothing but punishment casserole on Thursday!

As was mentioned during the broadcast last night, Philip Rivers’ lil’ brudder recently committed to play QB for LSU. Once he makes it into the league, he and Marmalard can square off in a three-way tag team match with the Mannings and the Palmers. Or maybe get the Godwinn Brothers involved just to push it to a four-way.

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC West, home to so many Jeebus-obsessed quarterbacks, you might as well call it a sect instead of a division.

DENVER BRONCOS

Not pictured: replica bris.

Key Additions: Tim Tebow, LenDale White, Jamal Williams, Jarvis Green, Justin Bannan, Brandon Lloyd

Key Departures: Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler, Casey Wiegmann, Tyler Polumbus, Peyton Hillis

Five Fast Facts About The Broncos:

- Elvis Dumervil suffered a pectoral tear that will end his season. That’s what I call being… the wrong kind of ripped. YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!
- Ryan Clady returned to practice last week after shredding his knee playing pick-up basketball earlier in the offseason. He refused to give it to Bernard Pollard, who considers shredded knee a very tasty morning pick-me-up.
- Broncos bloggers will enjoy an entire season live blogging Tim Tebow interceptions using this handy crucifix power strip. That may be a few extra holes than the standard stigmata, however.

- To prepare for his role taking over for Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal has spent his time mostly not pummeling women. You would think with the examples put forth by Marshall, Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Santonio Holmes, that he would know better. Just can’t teach some kids.
- Josh McDaniels had to find a way to get former Patriots victory cigar Kyle Eckel on the roster. Because when you’re about to win four games, you had better enjoy them.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Who likes Jabar Gaffney as a starting receiver!? Someone who ran the ’06 Patriots offense, apparently. So, the Broncos got off to a 6-1 start last season, mostly on the strength of their defense and Kyle Orton playing mostly error-free behind center. Then, of course, they underwent the annual Denver implosion, got rid of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan and drafted Tim Tebow in the first round. They gave a huge contract to Dumervil, who will now miss the entire season. Everyone expected them to immediately flame out after the Cutler mess last year. Instead, they had seven weeks of respectability. Not so much this time.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

The always Rascally Charlie Weis, everyone.

“Not so fast, Homer. I think I can order our Tab from this sheet.”

Key Additions: Thomas Jones, Eric Berry, Ryan Lilja, Casey Wiegmann, Jerheme Urban, Brady Quinn puncher Shaun Smith

Key Departures: Kolby Smith, Bobby Wade

Five Fast Facts About The Chiefs:

- The Chiefs have Charlies Weis as their offensive coordinator and Romeo Crennel running the defense. That’s like installing the ashtray and the cigarette lighter from a Maybach into your Pinto.
- Dwayne Bowe caused a stir a few months back by admitting that players set up parties with groupies in hotel rooms using Facebook. A few weeks later, he referred to Matt Cassel as his girlfriend. Kudos, Matt, on withholding sex until he publicly acknowledged your relationship.
- Chris Chambers’ stalker wife has yet to understand that she no longer has to sleep in his bushes. And yes, you may also take that to mean that I think Chris Chambers has a vagina.
- Cornerback Brandon Flowers shares a name with the lead singer of The Killers. Expect Peter King to come to this realization when he pronounces the band The Hot New Act To Watch In 2013.
- Whatever, Ryan Succop. You don’t have to agree with Todd Haley all the time.

Over/Under For 2010: 6.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Struggled with this one a little bit, but I like a lot of the moves Kansas City made in the offseason. Jamaal Charles looks primed for a big year after finishing strong in 2009 and Eric Berry should have an impact on the defense even as a rookie. 7-9 or maybe even 8-8 seems realistic in a fairly weak division, especially with the Chargers likely to decline some.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Jason Campbell has his strengths, but his ping pong ball trick is littered with errors.

Key Additions: Jason Campbell, Colt Brennan, Kyle Boller, John Henderson, Quentin Groves, Kamerion Wimbley

Key Departures: JaMarcus Russell, Kirk Morrison, Justin Fargas, Gerald Warren, Greg Ellis

Five Fast Facts About The Raiders:

- Tom Cable punching jokes have gotten a little tired. So it will be somewhat bittersweet when he violently murders his family with his bare hands.
- Chaz Schilens’ best friend: Larry Dracmas.
- In June, Nnamdi Asomugha received The Jefferson Award, which is essentially The Nobel Prize for public service. No wonder the Raiders were in such a hurry to trade the guy.
- To classify Darrius Heyward-Bey as a bust seems unfair, as busts tend to have better hands.
- Richard Seymour recently claimed that the Raiders are as talented as any team in football. Pretty sure I don’t even need a punchline after that.

Over/Under For 2010: 6 wins

Verdict: OVER

While the Raiders finished 5-11 last season, four of their victories were against teams with a record of .500 or better. Having been held by purple drank connoisseur JaMarcus Russell for the last several years, it’s been presumed that the Raiders could be a capable team with a not-awful quarterback. Considering not-awful seems like the most apt description of Jason Campbell that I can come up with, it seems as though they have found their guy. Not all that leaves is an offensive line and receivers. Oakland is a pretty trendy surprise playoff pick this year, though I think that’s a bit of a reach. Though I will say they most likely won’t lose 10 games again. Woooo! S&B is back, baby!

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

“Well whoop-di-fuggin-do, you splotchy faced cocksnot, you got yourself a ring and gave hope to some drowned people. I STILL GOT YOUR JOB AND SAVED THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM FORNICATORS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I WIN!”

Key Additions: Ryan Mathews, Josh Reed, Nathan Vasher, Randy Michael

Key Departures: LaDainian Tomlinson, Jamal Williams, Brandon Manumaleuna, Antonio Cromartie, Tim Dobbins

Five Fast Facts About The Chargers:

- Malcom Floyd has been targeted with 89 Rivers’ insults so far this preseason and has caught every single one. Very impressive stuff.
- Remember, Nate Kaeding: if you blow one more postseason game, the Chargers might begin to consider maybe thinking about releasing you. That goes 50 percent for you, Norv.
- Who would’ve guessed that one year after their run-in that Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila would essentially have the same amount of talent?
- Luis Castillo is quite possibly the gringo-est Hispanic since Jessica Alba.
- Did you know that Antwan Applewhite has all the warp levels from Super Mario 3 tattooed on his leg? You would if you believed the nerdiest Wikipedia hack I ever made.

Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins

Verdict: UNDER

I’m still not entirely sure how the Chargers won 13 games last season. And that was when they didn’t have Marcus McNeill and Vincent Jackson threatening to hold out for the entire season. Not sure if Ryan Mathews will live up to the fantasy hype, but he should at least be an immediate improvement over LaToeinjury for San Diego’s running game. Marmalard is good enough to survive with Malcom Floyd and Legadu Naanee as his two wideouts, but the team is losing too much talent to be considered among the best in the conference.

Your Meast this week is “The Polish Rifle” and yinzer non grata Bruce Gradkowski, who possibly murdered the Steelers season with three 4th quarter touchdowns, including a game-winner with nine seconds left to Louis Murphy. Gradkowski had previously started two games on the road in Pittsburgh, with the Bucs in 2006 and the Browns in 2008, leading his offense to a combined total of three points. Judging from his first dropback, it looked to be more of the same.

Then, bam, fourthquarterkkake. Ape no smirre. This was a boon to flubby and retards who send subject-free e-mails to bloggers.

Quite the burn, Patty.

To recap: Ted Ginn, Matt Stafford and now Bruce Gradkowski have won the Meast this season. (None for Peyton!) What a time to be alive.

Your Least is Shaun “Shazam” Suisham, who has cost the Redskins no fewer than two games this year. And probably a few last year too. Ask Maj. He could tell you how many.

People love it when overpaid Redskins free agent acquisitions fail spectacularly, and, yeah, that’s always nice. But I also admire the poetry in one of the lesser paid and easily replaceable cogs in the Snyder Failbot Factory causing things to go awry.

Dallas at NY Giants – The above video was shot before the first Cowboys-Giants game this season. At this point, I’m confident that Giants fans and fantasy owners are saying much worse about Brandon Jacobs.

Remember when Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones was fined six figures for predicting the demise of revenue sharing? The NFL announced that the were canceling $100 million per year in revenue sharing payments that benefit small market teams. Looks like the Bengals will be serving Beenie Weenies in training camp next summer.

San Francisco at Seattle – The 49ers must win this game to keep their slim playoff hopes alive. Go Niners! Do it for Ape’s Dad!

San Diego at Cleveland – The Chargers own the month of December– undefeated in the month since the end of 2005. The Browns own nothing. This the final week of the regular season for many fantasy leagues. It must be great to be a Philip Rivers owner realizing that you get the Browns in the season finale.

Speaking of fantasy football, my absolutely least favorite scenario played out today during the New Orleans – Washington game. Drew Brees threw an interception, but during the return the Redskins fumbled. Robert Meacham recovered the ball and ran it in for a touchdown. Most fantasy leagues count this as a defensive touchdown for the Saints. This drives me batshizz crazy. I know the conventional argument in favor of such scoring, is “well, once Washington got the ball, New Orleans became the defense.” This is of course pure, illogical horseflop.

If New Orleans became the defense, then Washington became the offense. Yet if the Redskins had ran it back it would have counted as a DEFENSIVE touchdown. You can’t have two goddam defenses on the field at the same team time. I know that this phenomenon only occurs once every season or two, but it annoys the bejeezus out of me. So much so that my money league instituted the “Keenan McCardell Rule” which states when this happens, the defensive team owner is not awarded with a fluke touchdown — the vagaries of the NFL scoring system be damned.