And not a moment too soon. I was growing weary of my tasty beverage alternative. Have you ever tried slurping whipped cream out of Keith Olbermann’s asshole?

“Jesus Christ. Read this Peter King quote. Just read it. Holy shit.”

What killed me is that each reader had selected a different passage from King’s column to single out. So, it’s not as if King is being hopelessly inane once or twice per column. This man is remarkably consistent in his silliness. And, to a certain extent, you have to appreciate that.

Anyhow, reader Charles G. writes in:

KSKers,

I know making fun of Peter King is too easy, but the quote below kills me. You have to make fun of this.

Now, I’m going to show you the quote. But before you read it, I suggest you stuff a maxipad in your pants and close your office door. You may find yourself in a laughing stupor so severe they need to call the paddy wagon. Are you ready? No, really. Are you ready? Okay, here it is. Under MVP Watch:

“3. Tony Romo, QB, Dallas. Is it my imagination, or does Romo lead the league in smiling?”

Holy shit. I’m just… I can’t… I can barely breathe… smiling… Romo… holy ballsack… Sweet Lord. I think I love this man for all the amusement he provides. Yes, Peter. I’m quite sure Romo leads the league in smiling. It’s not your imagination, though I shudder at what kind of fucked-up training room fantasy that part of your brain is currently dreaming up. Romo probably just barely edges out Brett Favre in that department. But Favre does lead the league in laughing, so that makes for a neck-and-neck MVP race. Did you know Peyton Manning leads the league in intensity? And that Tom Brady leads the league in smoldering? It’s true.

I watched Football Night in America last night, and the one thing I noticed about King on TV was that all of his reports follow the same formula, which is:

King: I called Rob Bironas last night, and I said, “Hey, how’s it feel to break the single-game field goal record?” Know what he told me, Bob? “Gee, I didn’t even realize I broke it until now!” Amazing!

So, to recap: King calls Player/Coach X, asks them how it felt to do Y, then lets Bob know Player/Coach X’s response. Like so:

King: Hello, Tony? Peter King here.

Romo: Hi, Peter.

King: Hey, how’s it feel to lead the league in smiling?

Romo: In smiling?

King: Yeah, I charted it all out. You smile way more than Joey Porter! How’s that feel?

Romo: Uh. Good. I guess.

King: (scribbling furiously) Can I quote you on that? This is great stuff!

Romo: Sure.

So, yeah. Tony Romo. Great passer. But an even better smiler. Good job, Peter. You are truly doing the Lord’s work.

How about Belushi, as a zit, in Animal House? You may be right. You probably are right. There’s no accounting for taste. Caliendo is the funniest guy in America right now.

Yes, I forgot how awful a film “Animal House” is. It would have been WAY funnier with Frank Caliendo in it! He could have done a Nixon impression!

Apparently, Peter King also lives in a world without Stephen Colbert, Dave Chappelle, Dave Attell, Demetry Martin, Chris Rock, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Brian Regan, The staff of The Onion, Will Ferrell, Louis CK, Steve Carell, Sacha Baron Cohen, Seth Rogen, Judd Apatow, Jon Stewart, Lewis Black, Larry David, Conan O’Brien, Christopher Guest, Howard Stern, Harry Shearer, Matt Groening, the “Flight of the Conchords” guys, and about 7 million other people.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Update from CC & UM: Yeah, since impressions are the baseline for what’s funny, let’s not forget how terrible Belushi was at them.

a. Who is Domino’s trying to fool with this Oreo pizza? Listen up folks, the word “pizza” implies cheese. So until you put some mozzarella on that cookie you’re just kidding yourselves and wasting our time.

b. The only thing better than sausage wrapped with bacon is Brett Favre wrapped with Tony Romo.

c. If Norv Turner doesn’t right the ship people might start losing faith in his leadership abilities.

d. I bet Marty Schottenheimer could figure out what’s wrong in San Diego.

e. The Giants may not have any cheerleaders, but that Olivia Manning is one handsome woman.

f. I’ll take Mike Vrabel over Randy Moss any day of the week. The guy plays both ways!

g. Best college town in American? No contest, it’s Hamilton, New York.

h. I’d love to see the casting call for this Cavemen show on ABC. I mean, how many caveman actors could there possibly be in this day and age?

i. Canadian bacon is better than ham. There, I said it.

j. If Arnold Palmer gets credit for mixing iced tea with lemonade then you might as well call an eggnog Bosco macchiato a Peter King.