Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and star of the new direct to DVD documentary “Alonzo Spellman Strangles A Nun”. You might remember me from the time I began speaking in tongues when I played on special teams, or the time I tried to mummify my wife while she was still alive. CLOVES WILL MAKE YOU SMELL GOOD UNDERGROUND, DEAR.

You also might remember me from such successful lunch products as Alonzo Spellman’s Eye Loaf, Alonzo Spellman’s Pussy Spork, and Alonzo Spellman’s Spreadable Hooker Liver. But now, I have concocted perhaps my tastiest product of all!

It’s Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS!

Wow! Is that like Baconnaise, but with AIDS, Mr. Spellman?

Sure is! Finally, the great taste of mayonnaise and the great taste of AIDS, together! You’ve never tasted AIDS quite like this! Go on. Have a bite.

Wow! It’s so thick and creamy! And a little bit medicinal!

That’s that subtle, unmistakable flavor of AIDS you’re savoring! Made with fresh egg yolks, 100% pure vegetable oil, and full blown AIDS, Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS goes great with any kind of food. Spread it on ham and AIDS sandwiches! Serve it as a delicious dip! Inject it into a cellmate! It’s one condiment you’ll never get enough of!

Say, Mr. Spellman, am I supposed to have open pustules all over my body after eating it?

Yep! That lets you know it’s delicious! AIDSlicious!

I feel very cold all of a sudden. I feel like never eating again and curling my body into the shape of a question mark.

That’s MayonnAIDS, all right! Best of all, Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS is certified 100% organic! No harmful preservatives or chemicals. I get my AIDS from local growers, like Tamaya down the block. Freshest AIDS available! Try it in my delicious chicken salad recipe!

1 cup Alonzo Spellman’s MayonnAIDS
1 cup chopped celery
2 tsp city puddle water
Gum
Hearts
Box of thumbtacks

Mix all the ingredients in a hollowed-out dog and serve. Mmmm, that’s good AIDS!

So don’t delay! Order some today and you’ll also get two free tubs of Alonzo Spellman’s cHIV cream cheese AND Alonzo Spellman’s cumgurt AT NO EXTRA COST.

What do you mean, you don’t like AIDS? YOU SHOULD. I WANT YOU TO HAVE AIDS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS BY MYSELF. WELCOME TO THE WALKING DEAD. I WILL SEND YOU A VERY SMALL COFFIN TO SCARE YOU. YOU WILL DIE OF AIDS. SOON I WILL FIND A WAY TO GIVE IT TO YOU, SO YOU MAY AS WELL ENJOY A CRABCAKE WITH ME.

WHY IS THAT MAN IN MY TREE?

Order today!

Photoshop by Christmas AIDS, er, Ape.