Santonio Holmes is in the news today for beating a routine weed possession rap, but that’s not the reason we’re writing about him. No, instead we have it on good authority (okay, Cotter over at One For the Other Thumb told us) that Holmes changed his Twitter name to Pussy Monsta. Unfortunately, the feed is locked to the public, so one must get by merely with imagining the exploits of a pussy monsta, though the fact that he follows Shaq, Kardashian and about a dozen fine ass women is amusement enough.

flubby sums the change up nicely: “It’s hard to believe you could have a cooler name than ‘Santonio’ but then he went and unleashed Pussy Monsta. For me, that’s cooler than the game winning TD in the Super Bowl.”

Michael Phelps: [Takes hit] I knew water bong was the way to go.

[Knock at door]

Michael Phelps: It’s open.

[Door flies open, Santonio Holmes' penis enters 30 seconds before he does.]

Santonio Holmes: Yo, man. Got some of that Ritzy Montclair from Ricky.

Phelps: Well, where is he?

Santonio: Told him hold tight where he at. Always wants to play that Ewok Village shit. Fucks with my high.

Phelps: All right.

Santonio: So we gonna fire this shit up?

Phelps: Heeeeeeeeeuuulllllls yeeeeeeuh

Santonio: [Pause] You okay?

Phelps: Sorry.

Santonio: [Takes hit] So what’s it like to win all them gold medals?

Phelps: Cool. It’s cool. But because I’m an athlete turned celebrity, people expect me to have these social graces I never really thought to develop. I mean, the endorsements and shit. I’ll take that. But stop acting like I’m some trained media professional, you know?

Santonio: I feel you on that. I ain’t Jamie Foxx. You pay me to take my big dick and run with the football.

Phelps: So I got something to tell you.

Santonio: Yeah?

Phelps: You remember that controversial finish in the Olympics in the 100 butterfly final where it looked like I lost?

Santonio: Kinda.

Phelps: Well I did. I lost that race.

Santonio: Damn. That’s okay. I didn’t get my other toe down on that winning touchdown catch either.

Phelps: Ha-HA! [Offers a high five]

Santonio: Just kidding. I did get it down. My cock too. Wanted to make you feel better.

[Phelps gives him a playful punch of the shoulder. Santonio looks at him askance]

Phelps: I remember seeing you up on that stage after the game holding the trophy. Can I ask you something?

Santonio: Sure.

Phelps: Does it feel like you’re in Dr. Robotnik’s pod vehicle? Because it looks like Dr. Robotnik’s pod vehicle.

Santonio: Little bit.

Phelps: I knew it.

Santonio: [Takes hit] Speaking of Sonic, I always wondered what Knuckles was supposed to be. Like, Sonic is a hedgehog. Tails is a gay little fox. But what that red bitch be?

Phelps: Dude, he’s an echidna.

Santonio: An enchilada?

Phelps: Whoa. Enchilada. Man, I could definitely go for that.

Santonio: Fuck and yes.

Phelps: Fuck, man. We gotta get some Mexican food.

Santonio: I know how you eat, like, all the food in the world everyday. Like, 8,000 calorie diet and shit.

Phelps: Yeah, and when I’m high, it’s 8,000 calories and an enchilada.

Santonio: Yo, uh, Mike?

Phelps: Huh?

Santonio: Have those paparazzi been standing over there taking pictures the whole time?

Phelps: …Shit.

Officer, it’s NOT a shotgun in his pants!!! Santonio Holmes was cited for possession of marijuana Thursday after a traffic stop yesterday. Holmes handed over a few blunts and was issued a misdemeanor citation. Sgt. James Vogel of the Pittsburgh P.D. doesn’t want pissed-off Steelers fans to take out their frustrations over a possible NFL suspension out on him:

Vogel said Holmes was very cooperative, respectful and wasn’t impaired. He thinks that should be taken into account when it comes to any potential action taken against him by the Steelers and the NFL. “We wouldn’t expect a steelworker to be laid off or suspended without pay,” said Vogel. “I wouldn’t expect a police officer, firefighter or a member of the Steelers.”

Actually, most people expect that a cop would get suspended if they were cited for criminal possession. Santonio, expect a terse voicemail from Goodell’s office.

[ wpxi via pft ]