Or to cornily reference another, more recent, Darren Aronofsky movie: Black Swoon. However you want to painfully set it up, Mike Singletary was fired by the 49ers on Sunday night after leading the team to its tenth loss of the season, which culminated with a heated sideline exchange with Troy Smith.

Singletary’s head coaching career started on such a promising note, both for professional and entertainment purposes, with a 5-4 record as an interim coach in 2008. That encouraging start (by recent Niners standards, at least) coincided with the new classic “I want winners” press conference rant and the incident where Singletary dropped trou in the locker room at halftime to fire his team up.

In the time since, it’s been mostly giant crosses festooned around his neck, statements of absolute certitude followed closely by comic ineptitude and releasing a DVD that will show you how to be sub .500 in your everyday life. We’ll miss Singletary’s over-the-top antics and ice grilling of referees, but his departure opens up yet another vacancy for Jon Gruden to be a future failure. Odds are he’s going to get one of them.

This is what we killed all those Indians and Mexicans for? What a gyp. The best football team west of the Mississippi is… what? The Chiefs? Maybe the Chargers. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? The Cardinals are 4-9 and they’re still not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs because they could still technically win the NFC West.

Antonio Gates, Malcom Floyd and Patrick Crayton are all inactive tonight. So if you have Vincent Jackson in fantasy, then congrats, jerk. Marmalard gonna have to carry the team on his back, doh. FOR JESUS MADDEN! Meanwhile, Alex Smith flashed his one allotted glimmer of competency last week, so expect no fewer than five pick-sixes tonight.

Unrelated, but I think this would also be my reaction if I had to view Norv’s crater face from up close. GAH! LASERFACE IS CRIPPLED WITH BY UNSIGHTLINESS!

As will be cited no fewer than 600 times per minute this evening, the winner of this game, despite being 4-7, will only be a game behind Seattle and St. Louis for first place in the NFC West. And that’s fantastic. I hope the winner of this division loses 10 games. And then goes on to win the conference. Something extreme that would impel the league to do something with its playoff structure. Of course, whatever solution they came up with would be even worse somehow.

In the meantime, ESPN is pulling out all the stops to inject hype into this contest during the pregame.

Here’s this week’s Designed Rush feature at SB Nation.

BOOSH! That’s stone cold certitude, served Mike Singletary style, which means pantsless while losing by 30 points to the Seahawks. While Singletary has so far been an okay head coach, he’s excelled like few other in communicating through unalloyed coachspeak at all times. Being grilled by a stupid sports journalist about how Yahoo! reported that Alex Smith experienced problems getting the playcalls in from offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye? Antagonize like you never antagonized before!

No really sure what the need for the fuss is, especially when we know it was Raye’s insipid music keeping the playcalls from being heard.

It’s that time of year again, when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Here’s the first one, about the dreadful and boring NFC West. It helps to start at the bottom. At least that’s what your mom said.

THE BLOODBUZZ OHIO THAT IS THE ARIZONA CARDINALS

Key Additions: RESPECT!, Horse Balls, Alan Faneca

Key Departures: Anquan Boldinbot, Kurt Warner’s drawing of Jesus

Five Fast Facts About The Cardinals
- Jay Feely came out vociferously in support of Arizona’s contentious immigration law. Because who wants possibly accurate kickers to be coming into this country? I’M WATCHING YOU ZENDEJAS!
- Derek Anderson isn’t so much a flash in the pan as rancid grease that was once useful in cooking, but has since congealed, begun to smell and ate your dog.
- Having taken his public ribbing of Albert Haynesworth too far, Darnell Dockett owes the world an apology when Albert takes to the shower for comedic revenge on Dockett.
- Alan Faneca says triceratops definitely exist because he is one and he’ll be damned if you deny him.
- LaRod Stephens-Howling Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie Armin Mueller-Stahl Soleil Moon Frye The End

Vegas Over/Under for 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Sorry, brahs. Relevance was fun while it lasted.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

Key Additions: Ted Ginn Jr., David Carr WHAT A HAUL! C’MON, LEAVE SOME FOR EVERYBODY ELSE!

Key Departure: Isaac Bruce (possibly dead)

Five Fast Facts About The 49ers:
- Jehuu Caulcrick will be the mayor of Gristledown Junction, if ever the rusticated podunk I have imagined just for his name becomes reality.
- I realize Vernon Davis was raised in the D.C. area, but someday a benevolent soul is gonna sit the youngblood down and inform him that other cities indeed have strippers, too. And good ones at that!
- Guard Tony Wragge isn’t aware of oncoming danger unless he hears a “ruh roh”.
- Taylor Mays is tailor made for ban punny headlines.
- After Glen Coffee watches one of those Foundation For a Better Life commercials, he momentarily pines for a wholesome life of substance before setting his pile of gasoline-soaked Bible-clutching dead fetuses on fire with an already lit dead hooker .

Vegas Over/Under for 2010: 8.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Despite very clearly being a quarterback away from contending for several years now, the 49ers are content to keep bringing baby hands Alex Smith back for another try. This year he’ll be joined by fellow no. 1 overall bust David Carr. All they need now is JaMarcus to be brought in to fill out the trio. At the same time, the rest of the division is truly horrid. So unless the Seahawks turn out to be much better than Pete Carroll’s NFL history and broken down Matt Hasselbeck would lead me to expect, the Niners are the call here.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

“Let’s see a NCAA compliance officer STOP THIS!”

Key Additions: Leon Washington, Golden Tate

Key Departures: Patrick Kerney, Walter Jones, Nate Burleson

Five Fast Facts About The Seahawks:
- Lawyer Milloy is the only player on the roster to have played for Carroll during his last stint as a pro coach. He’s having fun capturing the “before” expressions of his teammates.
- Charlie Whitehurst is the name of a shitty transitional quarterback if ever I heard one. That said, keep an eye on UFL CHAMPION J.P. LOSMAN!
- Oh, the indignity! Matt Hasselbeck had to take a drug test during the offseason. And there was a man in the room! And the toilet wasn’t festooned with gold leaf and cherub wings! Rose petals did not issue forth! SAVE HIM, WON’T YOU, ANDY HUTCHINS!?
- This team deprived us the chance to see what “swaggerjack” inventor LenDale White’s Madden swagger rating would be. May none of you ever get a Top Pot maple bar again.
- Sean Morey retired two days before the start of training camp. Woohoo! One fewer player from Brown for Berman to dribble his sausage gravy cum all over the ESPN news crawl.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Stupid half win, smugly preventing me from giving them the push at 7-9 this roster so richly deserves. Nevertheless, I could be completely off base and the Seahawks, as opposed to the 49ers, could be lucky NFC West team to eke out eight or nine wins to secure the right to host a first-round home playoff loss. We’ll see how the drama unfolds.

ST. LOUIS RAMS

Key Additions: Sam Bradford, TAX CHEAT MARTYR-NAMED MOOSLIM MAJORITY OWNER Shahid Kahn

Key Departure: Marc Bulger (had to put something here).

Five Fast Facts About The Rams:
- They held a contest to rename their mascot. They did not chose Randy “The Ram” Robinson. FOR SHAMMMEEEE!
- Tackle Joe Gibbs will block for the counter trey on every play, even field goal attempts. AND THEY WILL LOVE HIM FOR IT IN THE DMVEEE, COOCH!
- Mardy Gilyard is only doing the NFL receiver thing until his half hat company takes off.
- Keith Null in set formation remains a rare crossover math/football meme.
- In an ironic twist, I am overpursuing a Chris Hovan punchline.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

They bad.

GGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDD!

In all seriousness, the Cardinals are some pros at turning the ball over.

“YOU TAKE THE FRANCHISE IN YOUR HANDS EVERY TIME YOU HOLD THAT ROCK!” Jon Gruden issued this quote after talking about Tim Hightower’s fumble, and then Jaws cribbed it no less than two minutes later. These two f*cknuts will turn into Xamot and Tomax by the end of the regular season. Through the end of a quarter, the 49ers do indeed have the excitement of the bear, the velocity of the deer and the strength of the buffalo. Will it hold? Not if the Buzzsaw and their array of fumbles have anything to say about it!

The 80′s might be dead, but thanks to YouTube horribly embarrassing team music videos will live longer than the synthetic fibers used to make Jerry Rice’s sweater. Over at Shutdown Corner MJD calls the video “very San Francisco” which I can only assume is Yahoo! Sports Blog-approved speak for “flamingly gay.”

Update: Flubby tells me that this was on some site called FanHouse a couple of years back. Damn. MJD really should have caught that. Whatever, let’s all blame Mottram.

via Mac G’s World and Shutdown Corner

Another live blog about a game badly in need of flex scheduling, featuring:
*Will Leitch jokes!
*Gags about emotionally crippled individuals!
*Gags about normally crippled individuals!
*Inappropriate racial and sexual epithets!
*Me being happy that I picked up Tim Hightower in fantasy!
*Horrible memories of my father yelling at Tom Rathman!
*Nostalgia about the epic Shaun Hill years at Maryland!

Mike Singletary’s debut as Niners’ head coach left him a tad exasperated today. Had Singletary delivered this speech at half-time of an eighties sports movie he definitely would have been a winner.

[ longer version of the rant here ]