Watch as the NBC flunkies openly grouse that this game wasn’t flexed to Patriots-Broncos. “It could have been us showing viewers what Tebow would look like if he were right-handed! Who am I supposed to hype in this game? Ray Rice? SNL doesn’t devote sketches to him.”

Anyway, after sucking for the vast majority of the season, ruining your fantasy team and leading the NFL in interceptions (Josh Freeman derped his way to the top spot last week), Philip Rivers has gotten his float together the past two games, throwing six touchdowns and no interceptions. There was also a fumbled snap that the defense recovered for a touchdown, BUT THOSE AREN’T PASSING STATS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? That said, those two performances were against the Jaguars and the Bills, so a granule of salt for reason, please. Ray Lewis returns for the Ravens, which will be a nice opportunity for announcers to ignore that Baltimore’s defense has been playing better with God’s Linebacker out of the lineup. Oh, and Terrell Suggs will probably continue to rep Ball So Hard University, the sketchy sister school of Ball State.

The Chargers, last seen squandering a half dozen chances to redeem themselves by stopping Tebowmania, have lost six straight. One would assume that to be sufficient ineptitude to get Norv Turner fired, but it’s sometimes difficult to gauge how beholden a franchise is to the sweet, sumptuous strains of losing.

By firing Jack Del Rio, the Jaguars proved more daring by being willing to cut ties with an inept coach. That’s because they had other, more critical ties to establish, like links to SOOPER SECRET PAKISTANI MOOSLIM TERRORISTS with new owner Shahid Khan. Besides amusingly whipping retards into xenophobic frenzy, KHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNN is notable for his conspicuous Iron Sheik mustache. Were the NFL scripted by 1980s Vince McMahon, Tebow would have indeed been drafted by his hometown Jaguars, only for Khan to purchase the team and bench Jesus Baron indefinitely, thus setting up a rivalry that ends with Tebow hulking out and pinning Khan at the base of The Statue of Liberty.

The Florida Times-Union today made printable Khan mustaches for Jags fans to wear to the game. A cute sentiment until a few dozen rednecks decide to pair them with turbans.

Don’t forget to also take a glance at The New Yorker‘s latest foray into low culture in the form of this profile of Jon Gruden. The piece portrays Gruden as an obsessive student of the game who spends inordinate time poring over game tape only to shuck all that cumbersome insight off once he enters the booth to transform into a wild-eyed fluffer jackal.

Ensconced in his lair in Tampa, far from the “Monday Night Football” cameras, Gruden can sound shockingly negative. He is forever judging players who don’t or can’t excel—“slapdicks,” he calls them, or, more familiarly, “slappies.”

“THIS SLAPPIE SLAPDICK GABBERT, I CAN’T TELL IF HE WANTS TO SLAP THE DICK OR PLAYFULLY PAW AT IT. MY QUARTERBACK NEEDS TO EXHIBIT PEEN POKING INTENSITY!” Despite a few colorful anecdotes about Gruden, it’s Jaws who steals the show with this tragicomic outtake:

When it was Jaworski’s turn, he issued a stern proclamation. “Call me crazy, but I’m really excited for Tyler Palko tonight,” he said, and a roomful of skeptical sports producers erupted in laughter. Jaworski had given himself the thankless task of building up the Chiefs, praising them as much as he could without putting his own credibility at risk. Perhaps viewers would buy into the idea, however far-fetched, that Palko would emerge as the night’s underdog hero. Later that day, as Jaworski was making a cup of coffee in the ESPN bus, he tried the line again. “Call me crazy, but I’m excited about Tyler Palko,” he said. He exhaled. “I’ve got to sell this,” he said to himself.

Please remake Glengarry Glen Ross just for Jaws.

Thursday night football, everyone’s favorite late-season tradition that is only available to that percentage of the nation that gets NFL Network, returns with a classic AFC West turnover fest. Carson Palmer has thrown three interceptions in each of his two appearances since inspiring the Raiders to mortgage their future in a way that shouldn’t be allowed post-Wall Street bailouts. Meanwhile, current NFL interception leader Marmalard floated two pick-sixes to the Packers a week after his “worst day ever” Romo-esque fumble in a Monday night loss to the Chiefs. That should be sufficient to get you to ignore “Community”, “Parks & Rec” and “Always Sunny”, right?

The most glaring weakness of the Thursday night games, of course, had been the disastrous NFL Network announcing team of Joe Theismann, Matt Millen and Bob Papa, who were mercifully and gloriously dispatched in the off-season. Now we get Brad Nessler and Mike Mayock, who are respectable replacements. Even if sitting through Mayock pronouncing Philip Rivertttthhhhhhhhhh for three hours is likely to wear on the ears.

Well, it’s something to watch after you’ve shown off your undead Google Reader costume.

Marmalard went full Romo last week in a loss to the Jets, torpedoing a halftime lead with two fourth quarter picks before floating the ball out of bounds on a desperation last ditch 4th down. Should be interesting to see how long teammates put up with Philip Rivers’ transmogrification from obnoxious but stellar douchelord to obnoxious but sucky suckass. I’ll wager another half of football at most. Recall that the Chiefs and Chargers met in Arrowhead in Week 1 last year and the floats were not falling Laserface’s way in that contest.

The Chiefs have seemingly recovered from a horrendous start that very nearly and very hilariously cost Todd Haley his job. Of course, that positive momentum can all be reversed in one crushing loss to a division foe.

So gather ’round, gorge on candy, get engorged with the barrage of NSFW links and wait breathlessly for the biggest dickhead on one of these teams to get cleaved by an irate fanbase.

This is what we killed all those Indians and Mexicans for? What a gyp. The best football team west of the Mississippi is… what? The Chiefs? Maybe the Chargers. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? The Cardinals are 4-9 and they’re still not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs because they could still technically win the NFC West.

Antonio Gates, Malcom Floyd and Patrick Crayton are all inactive tonight. So if you have Vincent Jackson in fantasy, then congrats, jerk. Marmalard gonna have to carry the team on his back, doh. FOR JESUS MADDEN! Meanwhile, Alex Smith flashed his one allotted glimmer of competency last week, so expect no fewer than five pick-sixes tonight.

Unrelated, but I think this would also be my reaction if I had to view Norv’s crater face from up close. GAH! LASERFACE IS CRIPPLED WITH BY UNSIGHTLINESS!

This video isn’t quite as embarrassing as Crying Giants Fan on account of its subject being a kid, but it is noteworthy for the mom continuing to film her little pussboy for a full minute while he cries himself to the point of dry heaving. Then she went and loaded the video onto YouTube, presumably to hasten the boy’s realization that he won’t be getting laid until he can pay for it. Condemn her if you want, but it’s a canny way to encourage your kid to learn the value of work at an early age.

[via Buzzfeed]

The two most hyped teams that aren’t the Packers coming into this season now face off with… I’d say bragging rights on the line, but both of these teams talk massive loads of shit whether they’re actually winning or not. So let’s just say they’re playing to vindicate all the talk we’ve heard about them the last few months.

The Jets, of course, found themselves embroiled in a few scandals this week, one involving an illicit West Coast training exercise that an anonymous team (DEFINITELY NOT THE PATRIOTS) reported to the league and the another in which a TV Azteca reporter said she was sexually harassed by Jets players when she visited a team practice over the weekend. Normally, that might be something to be condemned, but the New York Post said it was all really quite sexy.

And I don’t really have a neat way to segue into this, but reader Adam sent us this nice Suggs bleaching Photoshop and I’d probably be remiss not to include it.

The late game tonight pits the Chiefs against Marmalard and his new non-LaToeInjury running back. It seems like the Chargers play in the late Monday night game on opening week every year, but upon further review it’s only been the last two seasons. Another joke my feeble mind is playing on me. The live blog crew will presumably be covering that one as well, provided they don’t get black out drunk first, naturally.

DENVER BRONCOS

Not pictured: replica bris.

Key Additions: Tim Tebow, LenDale White, Jamal Williams, Jarvis Green, Justin Bannan, Brandon Lloyd

Key Departures: Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler, Casey Wiegmann, Tyler Polumbus, Peyton Hillis

Five Fast Facts About The Broncos:

- Elvis Dumervil suffered a pectoral tear that will end his season. That’s what I call being… the wrong kind of ripped. YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!
- Ryan Clady returned to practice last week after shredding his knee playing pick-up basketball earlier in the offseason. He refused to give it to Bernard Pollard, who considers shredded knee a very tasty morning pick-me-up.
- Broncos bloggers will enjoy an entire season live blogging Tim Tebow interceptions using this handy crucifix power strip. That may be a few extra holes than the standard stigmata, however.

- To prepare for his role taking over for Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal has spent his time mostly not pummeling women. You would think with the examples put forth by Marshall, Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Santonio Holmes, that he would know better. Just can’t teach some kids.
- Josh McDaniels had to find a way to get former Patriots victory cigar Kyle Eckel on the roster. Because when you’re about to win four games, you had better enjoy them.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Who likes Jabar Gaffney as a starting receiver!? Someone who ran the ’06 Patriots offense, apparently. So, the Broncos got off to a 6-1 start last season, mostly on the strength of their defense and Kyle Orton playing mostly error-free behind center. Then, of course, they underwent the annual Denver implosion, got rid of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan and drafted Tim Tebow in the first round. They gave a huge contract to Dumervil, who will now miss the entire season. Everyone expected them to immediately flame out after the Cutler mess last year. Instead, they had seven weeks of respectability. Not so much this time.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

The always Rascally Charlie Weis, everyone.

“Not so fast, Homer. I think I can order our Tab from this sheet.”

Key Additions: Thomas Jones, Eric Berry, Ryan Lilja, Casey Wiegmann, Jerheme Urban, Brady Quinn puncher Shaun Smith

Key Departures: Kolby Smith, Bobby Wade

Five Fast Facts About The Chiefs:

- The Chiefs have Charlies Weis as their offensive coordinator and Romeo Crennel running the defense. That’s like installing the ashtray and the cigarette lighter from a Maybach into your Pinto.
- Dwayne Bowe caused a stir a few months back by admitting that players set up parties with groupies in hotel rooms using Facebook. A few weeks later, he referred to Matt Cassel as his girlfriend. Kudos, Matt, on withholding sex until he publicly acknowledged your relationship.
- Chris Chambers’ stalker wife has yet to understand that she no longer has to sleep in his bushes. And yes, you may also take that to mean that I think Chris Chambers has a vagina.
- Cornerback Brandon Flowers shares a name with the lead singer of The Killers. Expect Peter King to come to this realization when he pronounces the band The Hot New Act To Watch In 2013.
- Whatever, Ryan Succop. You don’t have to agree with Todd Haley all the time.

Over/Under For 2010: 6.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Struggled with this one a little bit, but I like a lot of the moves Kansas City made in the offseason. Jamaal Charles looks primed for a big year after finishing strong in 2009 and Eric Berry should have an impact on the defense even as a rookie. 7-9 or maybe even 8-8 seems realistic in a fairly weak division, especially with the Chargers likely to decline some.

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Jason Campbell has his strengths, but his ping pong ball trick is littered with errors.

Key Additions: Jason Campbell, Colt Brennan, Kyle Boller, John Henderson, Quentin Groves, Kamerion Wimbley

Key Departures: JaMarcus Russell, Kirk Morrison, Justin Fargas, Gerald Warren, Greg Ellis

Five Fast Facts About The Raiders:

- Tom Cable punching jokes have gotten a little tired. So it will be somewhat bittersweet when he violently murders his family with his bare hands.
- Chaz Schilens’ best friend: Larry Dracmas.
- In June, Nnamdi Asomugha received The Jefferson Award, which is essentially The Nobel Prize for public service. No wonder the Raiders were in such a hurry to trade the guy.
- To classify Darrius Heyward-Bey as a bust seems unfair, as busts tend to have better hands.
- Richard Seymour recently claimed that the Raiders are as talented as any team in football. Pretty sure I don’t even need a punchline after that.

Over/Under For 2010: 6 wins

Verdict: OVER

While the Raiders finished 5-11 last season, four of their victories were against teams with a record of .500 or better. Having been held by purple drank connoisseur JaMarcus Russell for the last several years, it’s been presumed that the Raiders could be a capable team with a not-awful quarterback. Considering not-awful seems like the most apt description of Jason Campbell that I can come up with, it seems as though they have found their guy. Not all that leaves is an offensive line and receivers. Oakland is a pretty trendy surprise playoff pick this year, though I think that’s a bit of a reach. Though I will say they most likely won’t lose 10 games again. Woooo! S&B is back, baby!

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

“Well whoop-di-fuggin-do, you splotchy faced cocksnot, you got yourself a ring and gave hope to some drowned people. I STILL GOT YOUR JOB AND SAVED THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM FORNICATORS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I WIN!”

Key Additions: Ryan Mathews, Josh Reed, Nathan Vasher, Randy Michael

Key Departures: LaDainian Tomlinson, Jamal Williams, Brandon Manumaleuna, Antonio Cromartie, Tim Dobbins

Five Fast Facts About The Chargers:

- Malcom Floyd has been targeted with 89 Rivers’ insults so far this preseason and has caught every single one. Very impressive stuff.
- Remember, Nate Kaeding: if you blow one more postseason game, the Chargers might begin to consider maybe thinking about releasing you. That goes 50 percent for you, Norv.
- Who would’ve guessed that one year after their run-in that Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila would essentially have the same amount of talent?
- Luis Castillo is quite possibly the gringo-est Hispanic since Jessica Alba.
- Did you know that Antwan Applewhite has all the warp levels from Super Mario 3 tattooed on his leg? You would if you believed the nerdiest Wikipedia hack I ever made.

Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins

Verdict: UNDER

I’m still not entirely sure how the Chargers won 13 games last season. And that was when they didn’t have Marcus McNeill and Vincent Jackson threatening to hold out for the entire season. Not sure if Ryan Mathews will live up to the fantasy hype, but he should at least be an immediate improvement over LaToeinjury for San Diego’s running game. Marmalard is good enough to survive with Malcom Floyd and Legadu Naanee as his two wideouts, but the team is losing too much talent to be considered among the best in the conference.

LaDainian Tomlinson: What it do

My name’s LT

(HHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

I got a new dance for y’all. It’s real easy to do.

All ya gotta do is glide widdit.

Here we go. C’mon.

AutoTune: LT Styyyyyyyle Electric Glide LT Styyyyyyle Electric Glide

Tomlinson: I read the defense I read the defense I read the defense I read the defense I read the defense

Antonio Gates: Yo, what the fuck is this goofy shit?

Jacques Cesaire: I dunno. It’s kinda catchy though. I can fuck with this.

Tomlinson: Stiff arm the guys stiff arm the guys stiff arm the guys

Antonio Gates: Haha! Do your thing boi!

[Fumbling with keys heard for 10 seconds. Keys heard hitting ground outside, followed by muttered swearing. First key tried is the wrong one. Door opens with second key]

Norv Turner: … [Exhales deeply] Hhhhhhey.

Antonio Gates: Hey coach.

Norv Turner: What are we doing? Are we practicing?

Jacques Cesaire: LT is showing us his new music video.

Norv Turner: Oh… I went to a Fleetwood Mac show once back in the ’70s. Is it like Fleetwood Mac?

Gates: Not really.

Norv Turner: That’s good. I didn’t care for them.

[Calls for Darren Sproles run up the gut on 4th and 2]

Tomlinson: That’s a bad call. Don’t like that call. Not a very good call.

Norv Turner: Do me a favor, will you: Remind me sometime before Sunday that we gotta talk about this game. It’s a pretty big one, you know.

Cesaire: Got it, coach.

Norv: Yyyyyyyeah, that’s good. I think we’re gonna do well.

[Stands around for a minute and a half without talking]

You know what? The heck with it. Let’s just have our game talk now. Stitch in time saves nine and all that.

Cesaire: Stitch what?

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: STITCH YOUR FUCKING PUSSY SHUT IF YOU’RE A WOMAN OF LOOSE MORALS

Ya betta ask somebodddddddaaaaaaayyyyyyy

Awwwwww. Lookie here, Ol’ Shriveldick wants to rally the troops. I just came from the Jets facilities AND THEY’RE TALKING A WHOLE MESS OF SHIT! THEY WANNA CARVE US UP AND SERVE US FOR MEXICAN CHRISTMAS, WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO FALL IN JANUARY, BECAUSE MEXICANS ARE TOO LAZY TO CELEBRATE IT IN DECEMBER!

Them boys is looking for a fight. And I intend to oblige them. Now, I know you all are a willy-nilly band of complacent dicktwirlers, so you probably already forgot how you fucked up The Laserface Revenge/Coach-Killing Tour © for me last year. I did not forget. I have a mind like a steel fucking trap. I once again beat the Most Valuable Fetus in the playoffs, only for you concussion closet faggots to blow it against whoever we played after that.

Tomlinson: Throw the ball. Throw that thing!

[Rivers picks up Tomlinson's AutoTune machine and chucks it in the air, where it floats until it strikes Jay-Z's jet, killing him]

Rivers: QUIT FUCKING SAMBO DANCING AND LISTEN, LATOEINJURY!

That’s why I’m initiating THE CORONATION OF KING LASERFACE TOUR ANNO DOMINI FUCKTHOUSAND AND TEN ©. Nothing will stand in my way. Not some filthy spic Pesoback. Not my bitch Manning. And not some randomly chosen loser from the NFC. It’s mine! MINE! MINE!

Then, when divorced dipmunk Jim Nantz hands me the Lombardi Trophy, I’ll shove his ass off the stupid podium then look America right in its fat face, and proclaim myself champion of all creation. Then I’ll remind them that the Haiti earthquake was God’s wrath for people fucking outside of marriage.

LET IT BE DONE!

Norv Turner:… Is everyone okay with that?

Mike Tolbert: Yep.

Eric Weddle: Sure.

Shawne Merriman: YOU FORGOT PARADE OF RAPE AFTER SUPER BOWL! ALL ELSE COOL!

Antonio Gates: ‘Long as we win a title, I don’t give a fuck.

Norv Turner: ‘kay, great. Thanks, Phil.

The Broncos have the opportunity to put themselves three and a half games up on the only other team capable of giving them viable competition for the AFC West crown. But what’s so good about handing a potentially crippling defeat to a division foe without it being augmented by extreme personal rancor? WE WANT PATHOS! You ruined our favorite personal rivalry, McDaniels. THAT WAS YOUR WORST CRIME OF ALL! FATSIS THINKS YOU, SIR, ARE A BOORISH TYRANT!

After all, Jay Cutler was the perfect foil for Philip Rivers; the overwrought sub to Marmalard’s domineering (and abstinent) dom. Now, not only is Cutler removed from the equation, but in his place is the most even-tempered proxy ever. How can anyone, even Rivers, hate the Neckbeard? He’s just a sloppy looking affable drunk (unlike Cutler’s surly drunkeness) who game manages teams to minor success.

It’s just not the same to have Rivers’ nemesis sulking it up in another conference. It’s like making The Joker fight Aquaman. Sure, in the end, one of them still dies, but where’s the dramatic conflict?

“Whatever. I don’t care. Pink binkie is all the friends I need.”