A be-poloed lad at a Chargers-Colts tailgate has a bit of a problem holding his booze after taking a beer bong hit and goes headfirst into a nearby grill. But marvel at the way a drinking calamity brings out the frenzied best in rival fans, even if that means a cacophony of unhelpful commands. I especially like the suggestion that someone give up the Mandible Claw to induce vomiting. Bonus irony points for “Wrong Way” blasting in the background as the fail plays out.
Marmalard strives to end Tony Dungy’s career a week after ousting Leatherface from Denver. Can San Diego take two games in San Diego in one year? Quite possibly, but Rivers floaters, Tiny Pocket Darren and a barely existent defense stand in their path.
Better win, Indy, or Pey-Pey’s gonna have to yell at some linemen like the true unselfish leader he is. (more…)
Two teams hanging on the fringes of playoff possibility (and the Chargers only because they play in the AFC West) meet for the first time since the Volektricity memorably backed up Marmalard’s vicious taunts of Indy fans in what was the final game ever in the RCA Dome. Now the Colts can effectively end the Chargers season and do a big favor to their own Wild Card aspirations with another road victory over an AFC rival.
But who gives a shit? We demand more cheerleader goodness, NBC. You were so good about it when New England was in town. If I have to deal with the sulking expressions of Dungy, Norval and Pey-Pey with no cheerleader chaser, so help me I’ll switch over to Dexter. I’ll do it! I mean it!
LaToeInjury and his merry band of SoCal underachievers attempt to exact revenge on a Patriots team that has consistently bedeviled them over the past few years. This Nike ad posits that LDT’s and Troy Polamalu’s entire lives have been building up to Troy tackling Tomlinson in the open field after an 8-yard run. Where’s the containment, Aaron Smith?
Okay, so Pittsburgh and San Diego don’t play for another month and a half. For tonight’s purposes you’ll have to pretend that’s Rodney Harrison in Polamalu’s stead. I’m sure his back story consists of more HGH injections and late hits and fewer liftings of lava rocks.
-QB Brodie Croyle lost all six games that he started last season. He played his college football at Alabama, where he perfected his unique, ellipically-shaped haircut, which he refers to simply as “Follicle Village.”
-RB Larry Johnson has 1,050 career carries, averaging 4.5 yards per pop. He credits his success to a training regimen called “Dots,” which involves him standing on a marked platform, eating spoonfuls of pebble-shaped ice cream.
-Jay Feely lasted exactly one day in Chiefs camp. Upon his dismissal, head coach Herm Edwards was praised for his humanity after declining to euthanize the kicker, choosing instead to simply open the front gate and let him roam free.
-Star linebacker Derrick Thomas died suddenly in 2000, so look for him to see reduced action this year.
-Kansas City is actually in Missouri which, to me, sounds like bullshit. The entire city used to be in Kansas, until it was stolen in 1836 by the old train robber Slippery Dan Honeybaker and his gang. They sacked the city in the dead of night, and then moved it outside of state lines, where they started the Great Plains Squaredancing Society, which holds meetings on the last friday of each month to this very day. PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING TOWN BACK WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COCKSUCKING SQUAREDANCERS.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 5.5
Verdict: PUSH
Look for Herm and the crew to tie their first 11 games and then back into a nice, Top-10 draft pick for 2009. You heard it here first.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Four bits of knowledge that will make you appear familiar with this team, plus a bonus:
-The city of San Diego is renown for its excellent zoo and large volume of secondhand pussy that couldn’t cut it in LA. The city is also home to a plethora of U.S. military bases that protect our freedom and stuff.
-Contrary to popular reports, outside linebacker Shawne Merriman didn’t tear his knee ligaments in action. Rather, he accidently raped his own leg while watching the first half-hour of the 1995 film, Higher Learning.
-Head coach Norv Turner was the surprise hire of 2007, but he would later shock the coaching world. He took the Chargers to the playoffs with an 11-5 record before showing the entire NFL that he actually does prefer to be called “Norv.”
-Chargers’ sixth-round draft pick DeJuan Tribble has been described by teammates as “soft, small, and gentile, and as producing a soothing purring sound”
-Ladanian Tomlinson is the consensus No. 1 pick in fantasy football this year. His durable frame and quick feet are in stark contrast to Megan Fox, the consensus No. 1 pick for fantasy anal.
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5
Verdict: OVER
It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN the Chargers will lose to the Patriots in January.
DENVER BRONCOS
You’re still here? Do you really give a shit about this team?
- Jay Cutler has diabeetus. But he checks his blood sugar. And checks it often.
- Before this past offseason, Brandon Marshall once cut his hand on a toaster oven after a angry discussion that began with an excessively hot Cherry Pop Tart. In fact, many of the appliances in Marshall’s home meet in the living room on Tuesdays for group therapy sessions.
- Head coach Mike Shanahan has been with the Broncos for so long, the Denver Post has a historical back page feature called “Before That Rat-Faced Fuck Ran John Elway Out Of Town.”
- The city of Denver is 5,280 feet above sea level, and roughly 7,000 feet above reality.
- Selvin Young hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season. “Selvin” is actually Nubian for “hopes to rush for 1,000 yards for the first time in his career this season.”
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5
Verdict: OVER
Denver should challenge for the AFC title, but they’ll need to score more points than the other team in about 12 or 13 games. You don’t get this level of analysis anywhere else.
OAKLAND RAIDERS
Five relatively quick morsels of information:
- Raiders owner Al Davis was the onetime commissioner of the American Football League, which rivaled the NFL back in the 1960s. The other former titles Davis has held include General of the Union army, leader of the expedition of the Louisiana Purchase, and pharaoh of Egypt.
- Justin Fargas rushed for over 1,000 yards last season, before the team drafted sensational rookie Darren McFadden in the first round. I don’t have a joke for that, but it’s pertinent.
- The Raiders traditionally have taken aging players released by other teams and let them finish their careers in Oakland. With the Patriots having recently adopted this trend, the Raiders have turned to a unique recruiting source: Al Qaeda.
- That Al Qaeda joke wasn’t really funny. Man, I’m getting tired.
- Upon his hiring, head coach Lane Kiffin usurped the San Diego Chargers’ title of “Most Poorly Named Head Coach.” Zing! Oh, come on, people!
Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 6
Verdict: PUSH
JaMarcus Russell should benefit from a full training camp, but not enough to make up for a shitty defense and a head coach on a short leash with ownership. More like “ownershit.” Heh.
Even if kids spend the overwhelming majority of their time with video games, it’s not for a lack of realistic toys to play with. Take, for example, this fine toy tableau of LaDainian Tomlinson seated comfortably on Charger blue pine. Clearly, this is the regular season edition, missing as it does the puffy coat and dark visor. The sullen expression is well articulated, though. Leave it to Spawn creator Todd McFarlane to capture that so flawlessly. He knows from angst.
Ouf. Hmm. Does look kinda painful. Awful pointy, too. And my eye? Really? Sounds like that might hurt. Couldn’t just jam it under my shoulder blade, huh? Okay, I suppose those are the rules. I do have two eyes, after all. And fuck pulling for Brady, Welkaaaaah, HGHarrison, Belicheat and Kool Aid. And fuck Marmalard, Norval, The Gigantosaur and whiny ass LT. Cromartie’s kinda cool, but whatever.
[Piercing screams]
Whooo. Ahhhh. Omigodomigodomigod. That hurts like shit. But, y’know: It’s not so bad, all things considered. Much better than that Chargers-Patriots shit.
Update: I was thrown out of the Patriots bar because I was the only one rooting against the Patriots. What sorry pathetic bitches you Pats fans are.
It’s game one of Manning Sunday featuring that older accomplished pitchman brother, Pey-Pey. He can sell you the coat off your own back at twice value. In fact, he keeps a collection of knockoff Rolexes under his jersey if you’re looking for one.
The Chargers have won their last two against Indy, including the Nov. 11 regular season contest, in which Pey-Pey famously sold the defense a whopping six beachfront interceptions and Adam Vinatieri botched a chip shot that cost them the game. What will take to get that guy to stop choking?
Not having to rely this time on Craphonso Thorpe at wideout, the Colts will have certainly more reliable, if less hilariously named, receivers this time around. Meanwhile, the roof of the RCA Dome may be opened because no one enclosure can contain the doucheiness that is Marmalard.
Sarah: This one time, when I was little, my family was on a road trip and me and my brother were acting up. So my parents just pulled over to the side off the road and let us out.
Dan: Whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaat?
Sarah: I mean, they did come back, like, five minutes later. They just went to the next exit then doubled back and got us. But we were terrified. Just sitting alone at this rest stop.
Lori: You totally should have just told somebody. You could have gotten your parents in a shitload of trouble. “Hi, our parents abandoned us!”
Sarah: I know, but I…
[A knock at the door]
Lori: I’ll get that.
[door busts open]
Philip Rivers: Hey hey, betta ask someboddaaayyyy! What’s with all the long faces, lookie fucking loos? Heh. Heh. Heh. Funny fucking anecdote the famous athlete must’ve interrupted, huh? I’m sure it’s everyday a starting NFL quarterback barges in your place. Whoa, where’s the goddamn party at?! I don’t wanna blow my fucking Wednesday night for shit. [Someone emerges from the kitchen]
Rivers: What’s this cheap shit you got here?
[quaffs entire bottle, spits half on the floor]
Rivers: God, that fucking sucked.
[Throws bottle in high arch toward wall. Bottle doesn't hit wall for a full minute]
Rivers: What? You got a problem with an NFL QB trashing your place? I might as well sign the shards of fucking glass. YEAH, THE FUCKING GLASS! What’s this you got on the wall? A Degas print? Aren’t you such a sophisto?
Rivers: Me? I don’t get art. Art is for fags. Even people named Art are incredibly fucking gay, y’know. RIGHT!? This one’s okay though ’cause it’s got Mr. Miyagi in it. God, that’s so fucking funny. MR. MIYAGI!!! Teach those dancing bitches!
[slaps nearest person on back, laughs in their face]
Rivers: I fucking love Karate Kid. That’s why I love Bill Simmons so much. Because he devotes column themes to old fucking movies like Rocky III like it’s fresh material. The divisional round column will be about the crappiness of airline food or the quality of computer porn.
[slaps nearest guy on back]
Rivers: This guy likes porn. Huh? Buddy? Huh? FUCK YOU.
Rivers: I don’t need this shit.
[Whips out cell phone. Holds it to his ear impatiently for 20 seconds]
Rivers: Fuck you, LT. Pick up your fucking phone. Why is it ringing through? Dick.
[Rivers surveys the increasingly impatient crowd]
Rivers: But, yeah. I gotta get going. It’s been fun and shit.
Aren’t you gonna offer me some food to get me on my way? Isn’t that what considerate hosts do for professional athletes who grace their lame parties? Or is this just a get-together, so the rules don’t apply? HUH? WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS? WHY YOU CAN GET-TOGETHER MY BALLS.
Those sweet, sweet tears you hear being cried from the Hoosier state? Enjoy them. Bathe in them. Dump buckets of them on your lawn and watch it grow. The Colts have just lost two games in a row and I’m so happy about it. I am downright goddamn giddy. UM will have a big lifestyle change forthcoming as a result of this game, but he can tell you about that later.
Peyton threw SIX FUCKING PICKS in this game, which is six more than the career NFL totals of all the contributors of this blog. Watching Peyton get annoyed when he’d have to call for the snap twice (when Saturday didn’t see him lift his leg up the first time) was fun enough. But watching him at his worst doing what he does best was the best, that was a little slice of heaven, almost as good as getting my balls licked.
I’ll always contend that hating the Mannings is the most fun because it’s all over their fucking faces when calamity strikes. They start as mildly annoyed, then grow to hate life as the day goes on. Watching Peyton with that “I just gurgled my own tartar sauce” face on the bench led to this exchange on my couch:
Her: Wow, look at Peyton. The Fetus Head is having a rough go of it. Me: Yeah, right now he has a real de-fetus attitude.
Norv Turner got his ass bailed out by Vinatieri, whose push from 30 yards was the perfect climax to an entertaining game. Additionally, and I know it’s been said before, but Norv frightens children whose parents own HDTVs. I truly believe this is God’s way of punishing me for not giving a shit about the wildfires. I bet Norv could hid about $500 cash and three ounces of blow in the various crevaces of his face, making the Chargers’ location (just minutes from the Mexican border) more than ideal. It’s not like you can search a guy’s face. With the steriod-laden Shawne Merriman returning to form, the team could not have asked for a better mule.
Oh, and was it raining during the game last night? I never heard them mention anything about that…
