(pinches your cheek)

You look-a so good! And your wife! She is a-ravishing! I put-a my Genoa salami in her cioppino, yes? Bellisima!

(licks your wife’s face)

What is this-a you bring me? A Yellow Tail a-wine? Oh, this-a no good. This shit. I pour it down the sink or use it as a-rat poison. I’mma break out a special Chianti just-a for you. Geppetto!

Go-a get a-my friends the-a Ruffino!

(slaps monkey)

No, no, no! The Riserva, you-a stupid monkey!

I’mma glad you could-a come-a to my house and watch-a the playoffs with-a me, Salvatore! My-a grandma, she come-a straight from-a Sicily to meet you. She-a make you a special meatball! MAMA!

That’s-a spicy meat-a-ball!

Who your favorite team? The Chargers? No, no, no. The Chargers, they are a raw sewage. Listen to your friend, Salvatore: they are-a overrated. You must-a like the Giants. They are-a underrated. They will beat the Cowboys like I-a beat my wife. Because she-s no listen. Some-a-times, I just have to…

(makes dramatic hand gestures)

This why I live-a with my mother for forty years, yeah? We make-a bet, eh? You-a take the Cowboys, and I-a take the Giants. I call a one of my 500 cousins, all of whom are-a bookies. Yes?

(You decline.)

I think-a you no understand me. You TAKE bet, yes?

(You nod.)

Very good! Did-a you meet-a my sons?

They are strong, masculine-a children. One day they learn to make-a leather shoes, like-a me! Now, come and eat! We have a little proshoot. A little gabbagool. A little mootzarell. You-a never taste anything like-a it in your life! ANTONIA! MAKE-A WITH-A THE FOOD, OR I-A PUNCH-A YOU IN THE FACE!

This-a good time for us to talk business. I have 300 brand new Armani suits in my garage right now. I give-a you 4% off-a retail price.

What-a you mean, no thanks? I-a make you a nice offer! Maybe you-a no appreciate your friend, Salvatore! Maybe you-a think we Italians are criminals. Oooooh, I hate-a those cheap stereotypes! Vito! Mossimo!

TAKE-A HIM IN THE BACK AND BEAT HIM WITH-A MY SUSPENDERS.

When we through beating you, we watch-a Goodfellas and read Machivelli a-together, yes? Maybe share-a some scungilli?

MOLTO BELLO!!!!