Dan Rooney: Actually, Ben, I’m trying to maintain control of the team by convincing my relatives to sell their shares of the franchise to me.

Roethlisberger: OH.

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CAN I BUY?

Rooney: Well, like I said, Ben, I’m trying to keep control of the Steelers in the Rooney family. But as chairman of the team, I’m willing to entertain your offer.

Roethlisberger: I GOTS THIS MUCH.

Dan Rooney: I’m sorry, Benjamin. While that is a lot of money, that’s not quite enough to purchase a controlling interest of the team. The latest Forbes assessment had the Steelers valued at approximately $900 million. This is only a few million dollars. And a used copy of Assassin’s Creed for Xbox.

Roethlisberger: OH.

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BEN NEED MORE?

Rooney: [Sighs] Yes. Ben need more.

Roethlisberger: OKAY. YOU SIGN ME TO BIG CONTRACT THIS YEAR. GIVE BEN LOTS CHEESE.

Rooney: Right.

Roethlisberger: SO I CAN SIGN THE SAME CONTRACT WITH ALL THE OTHER TEAMS AND HAVE CASH IN A FLASH

Rooney: That’s not how it works, Ben.

Roethlisberger: EXPLAIN

Rooney: The purpose of a contract is that you are guaranteeing your services with one team exclusively, while we are agreeing to compensate you for those services at an agreed-upon rate.

Roethlisberger: OH.

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WHAT THAT MEAN?

Rooney: It means you can’t buy the team.

Roethlisberger: AW SNAGGLEPUSS

[Ben leaves office dejected]

Hines Ward: Heeeeerrrrroooooooo Rongrastname. Why such rong face?

Roethlisberger: CAN’T BUY TEAM. CAN’T BE NEW MARIO LEEMOO. NEEDS MORE CASHOLA.

Ward: Awww. That learry too bad. No smirre. You know, Hines Wald was voted numbel one smartest leceivel in all of reague.

Risten, you ret Hines Wald take you money and wirr make it double, supel fast!

Roethlisberger: FOR REALS?

Ward: Hines Wald evel rye to you?

Roethlisberger: GUESS NOT.

Ward: Me just have Lashald Mendenharr rook aftel it foll few days, just be safe. Until I set to make you supel lich.

Roethlisberger: AW THANKS HINES. YOUSDA BEST.

Ward: Nerr plobrem, Rongrastname. Nerrrr plobrem at arr.

LIL’ YOUNGBLOOD HERE GIVE ME SO MANY REASONS TO BE THANKFUL OTHER THAN EDDIE MURPHY MOVIE MEET DAVE COMING OUT SOON. LIKE ME, HE SUFFERED CRIPPLING ACCIDENT BUT ACTUALLY GOT CRIPPLED BECAUSE HE DIDN’T HAVE NFL SUPERSURGEONS.

FROM NOW ON, I’M LEARNIN’ TO VALUE THE VALUE OF EACH AND EVERY DAY. I TALK TO MY AGENT AND HE SAID UNDER MY NEW DEAL I MAKE $12.75 MILLION EACH YEAR. I SAY WHAT’S THAT WORK OUT TO PER DAY. THERE’S A LOT OF DAYS IN A YEAR. AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND. WHAT’S MILLIONS DIVIDED BY A LOT?

HE PUNCHED UP HIS MAGIC MATH MACHINE AND TOLE ME IT WORK OUT TO THIRTY FOUR THOUSANDS AND NINE HUNDRED AND THIRTY ONE DOLLARS PER DAY.

TODAY I’M SPENDING MY THIRTY FOUR THOUSANDS GETTING BETTER AT THEM VIDEO GAMES. NO CRIPPLE GONE BUST ME UP IN THE GAMES AGAIN! IMMA START WITH THIS EXCITEBIKE. THEY MAKE YOU WEAR A HELMET IN THIS? THA’S SOME BUTT.