Int. Dallas Cowboys team shower

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jessica: Hi, Tony. Sorry about the game.

Tony: Oh hey, Jess. It’s cool.

Jess: So I have some good news that might cheer you up!

Tony: Oh yeah, did you book our off-season vacation to celebrity sex and drug island?

Jess: No, even better!

(towel snaps in the background)

Jess: I’m pregnant!

Tony: [collapses]

Jerry: MY GODDAMN STAR! Ah, fuck it.

(Continue after the jump for the definitive .gif of Dallas’s season)

.gif courtesy of Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug

Int. FedEx Field

[cellphone rings]

Tony: [grimaces] You got Romo!

Pinkie: Hey brah!

Tony: Nick?

Pinkie: Nah, brah.

Tony: Matt?

Pinkie: Nah, brah!

Tony: Who is this?

Pinkie: It’s me, brah, your pinkie finger.

Tony: My pinkie finger? How the hell did you get a phone?

Pinkie: It was a gift from Jessica’s foot after I fucked the shit out of her toe wedges.

Tony: Oh come on, how can a pinkie finger have sex?

Pinkie: Hey, just because I’m a little guy doesn’t mean I’m not packin’ some serious meat down south of knuckletown. See brah, this is why I’m callin’ you. Ever since you broke my ass people have been disrespectin’ me left and right.

Tony: What do you mean, pinkie?

Pinkie: Have you seen this bullshit cast they have me wearing? It makes me look like a fucking pussy! And another thing, tell people to stop callin’ me “pinkie” brah, I spent the bye week in Cabo gettin’ my shit all tan and sexified. I demand a name that better describes my new look.

[other cellphone rings]

Tony: Hang on pinkie, I have another call.

Pinkie: Tell that bitch Kremer to keep her frigid hands off the goods and get me one of those fancy knit hats.

[Tony answers]

Tony: Go for Romo!

Jessica’s foot: Hey baby, we need to talk.

Tony: Okay, hang on.

[Tony switches phones]

Tony: Hey pinkie, I have to take this other call.

Pinkie: Can you get me on Celebrity Apprentice?

[Tony hangs up]

Tony: What’s up, Jess?

Jessica’s foot: This isn’t Jess, it’s her foot. I thought you should know that your pinkie gave me toe herpes.

[Tony hangs up]

Tony: Why do I keep answering these damn phones?

Int. University of Phoenix Online Stadium

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got RomOMYGODIJUSTBROKEMYFUCKINGPINKYFINGER!

Jess: Uh…wrong number.

Ext. Cowboys Practice Facility

Tony: …I’ve never even been to Mount Vesuvius!

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Terrell: This isn’t working.

Tony: Hello? What isn’t working? Who is this?

Terrell: It’s TO, man, T-Eldorado-Fuckin’-O. Get that wax out your ears and listen up.

Tony: Hey TO, why are you calling me during practice? Aren’t you supposed to be running routes right now?

Terrell: That’s why I’m calling. I just feel like this route isn’t using me to my fullest potentiability.

Tony: And you felt the need to call my cellphone in the middle of your crossing pattern?

Terrell: I’m tellin’ you Tony, this shit ain’t funny. You got me runnin’ these bullshit routes and you don’t throw it my way anyway.

Tony: Listen, I don’t call the plays, if you have a problem with the routes then you need to talk to Jason.

Terrell: That asshole just ignores me and dogs me cause I went to Tennessee Chattanooga instead of some fancy ass school.

Tony: So what makes you think he’s going to listen to me?

Terrell: Man, you went to Eastern Illinois and shit.

Tony: Is that supposed to mean something?

Terrell: Come on man, you know that shit sounds fancy. You two can conversate on an intellectual level.

Tony: Well you know, I do conversate really good. And they do say Eastern Illinois is the Harvard of Illinois’s directional colleges.

[Jason Garret approaches]

Jason: If you two sophists are done with your heady debate we have some more drag routes to master.

[both players hang up]

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jessica: Hey Tony, I’m not sure ya’ll’re usin’ TO to his full potentiability.

[Tony hangs up]

[Cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Donovan: Smile now, asshole.

[Tony hangs up]

Tony: Oh, fuck me. Why do I even answer this thing at practice?

[Cellphone rings]

Tony: Ooooh, my agent!

Int. Romo’s apartment

[phone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Peter King: Hey Tony, how are you doing today?

Tony: Oh hey, Peter. I’m good, I’m getting ready for Sunday’s game.

Peter: I bet you are, I bet you are.

Tony: Yeah…so what is it you’re calling about?

Peter: Oh you know, I just wanted to chat.

Tony: I have to tell you, Peter, it makes me a little bit uncomfortable when you call me like this. I’m not sure it’s appropriate behavior for a journalist.

Peter: Is that all I am to you, Tony? A journalist? I thought we were more than that!

Tony: No no, of course we are Peter, I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m just under a lot of pressure these days.

Peter: Oh, well that’s understandable.

Tony: Yeah…

Peter: So what kind of music do you like to listen to?

Tony: Uh, well lately I’ve mostly been listening to Jessica’s new album.

Peter: You know I don’t like it when you mention her name.

Tony: Listen Peter, she’s my girlfriend. We’ve been over this and it’s something you have to deal with.

Peter: But Tony, she’s no good for ya! P.S. We should be together.

Tony: What?!

Peter: She doesn’t know you like I know you.

Tony: Seriously Peter, you’re really starting to creep me out.

Peter: You know, sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds.

Tony: Wait a minute…those are lines from that song Stan!

Peter: Ha! You got me! So you’ve heard of this m&m guy too?

Tony: Of course, he’s one of the most popular artists of the last decade.

Peter: Really? I just discovered that Stan song on my iTunes, it was fantastic!

Tony: Yeah, he’s pretty good, but I don’t listen to much rap, even the white guys.

Peter: This guy’s white?! I assumed he was covered in a delicious candy shell. You know, the kind of guy that will just melt in your mouth.

Tony: Ha. Actually his name is Eminem not M&M.

Peter: Well that’s certainly disappointing. Do you know if he watches House?

Tony: No, Peter, i do not know if Eminem watches House, I’ve never met the guy.

Peter: Yeah, well I bet he watches House.

Tony: Sorry Peter, I have to go now. Jess is calling me on the other line.

Peter: Why don’t you just tie that bitch up in the trunk and drive off a bridge?

Tony: WHAT?

Peter: [hangs up]

Int. N9ne Steakhouse Dallas, Texas

Tony: So things are all over with that K.I.T.T. guy?

Jess: Yeah, it turns out he was a car. Daddy says that it’s hard enough keeping my suck-u-lent-ly puckered asshole on the A list without being some kind of creepy objectophile.

[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo

Joe: My man Anto-nio! This here’s Papa Joe, just checkin’ to see if you kids have left for dinner.

Tony: [sigh] Yeah Joe, we just walked in the door, is there something you need?

Joe: Aw shit, why’d you leave so early? Don’t you know that big stars like my sweet lil’ honeypot are supposed to show up twenty minutes late for everything? Are the photogs even there yet?

Tony: Why would there be any photographers Joe?

Joe: I might have faxed TMZ a three-page press release announcing your dinner plans.

Tony: And why the hell would you do something like that?

Joe: Because they stopped answering my goddamn phone calls, buncha self-righteous hacks.

Tony: Listen Joe, I’m willing to stuff your daughter’s taco with my chorizo, but you need to back the off, once and for all.

Joe: Alright ‘Tonio, whatever you say goes. I totally comprende, amigo.

[hangs up]

Jess: Say hi to daddy for me!

Tony: I already hung up, [under his breath] dumbfuck.

Obscenely Hot N9ne Hostess: You’re table is all set Mr. Romo, just follow me and feel free to check me out while I switch and walk.

[sits down]

Tony: So, what are you doing next weekend.

OHNH: Probably just sunbathing naked with my obscenely hot friends. So what are you up to, stud?

Tony: Not dating Jessica Simpson, for starters.

Jess: My ears are burning.

Busboy: Miss, please do not lean your head on the candles. They are there for ambiance, not heat.

[Jess sets her hair on fire]

Tony: I’ll get your number on the way out.

[OHNH exits, Busboy extinguishes fire]

Jess: So I don’t get it, what does N-9-N-E mean?

Tony: It’s just a clever way of spelling the number nine. I think the name comes from the age at which the two founders first met.

Jess: I still think N-Nine-Ne is a silly name.

[Joe appears out of the dark as if he's made of it]

Joe: Hi, my name is Papa Joe, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Might I suggest starting off with a bottle of the Gamba Old Vine Zinfandel and an order of our shrooms?

Jess: Hi Daddy!

Tony: I have to get the fuck out of Texas.

Int. Romo’s Living Room

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jason: Hello Anthony, it’s Mr. Garret.

Tony: Yo, J-dog, my man! You wanna go grab a few beers and wrangle up some low-quality tail?

Jason: Surely you jest, Anthony. As you well know, my time is far too valuable for such excursions. Besides, I do believe that philandering about town behind Jessica’s back would cause quite a distraction, something you can ill afford.

Tony: Ah, screw that, man. Jess has been getting all of these phone calls from some weird smooth-talking guy. I think she’s going to dump me, so I figure I better blow the whole thing up first. You know, gotta protect the rep’.

Jason: Indubitably. I’m sure you know best, I’ll let you get back to it then. Just please remember to review the changes in the playbook. The Annexation of Puerto Rico is quite simple for an Ivy Leaguer, but for those of us who matriculated through Eastern Illinois it could be rather complex.

Tony: Yeah whatever, broseph.

[Giggling sounds from the bedroom]

Tony: Hey Jess, are you actually talking to that wackjob with the accent again?

Jess: Shut up Tony, he’s more man than you’ll ever be. I don’t even want to see you anymore, I wish you’d just go home and stay outta my life!

Tony: This is my house you addlebrained cum-guzzler.

Jess: Whatever, you’re a loser!

Tony: Bitch!

[Jessica enters]

Jess: You can’t call me that, my new man is coming over here and his friend is gonna kick your ass!

Tony: Whate-

[loud crashing noise]

Jess: Oh KITT, I love you more than anything, and I wanna have your car-babies!

Sad but (supposedly) true, Tony and Jess are no more.

Big thanks to LSUFreek for the magic.

Clearly he’s trying to endear himself to the Simpson ladies. That performance showed the vocal range we’d expect from Jessica and all of the uncomfortable moments that make Ashley’s performances so special.

Harry Caray’s corpse has more charisma as of late.

video courtesy of Bugs and Cranks

Ext. Golf Club of Dallas

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jessica: Why do you answer the phone like that? It’s so stupid.

Tony: Hey Jess, I told you I was busy today.

Jessica: Why, whatareyou doin?

Tony: Well, I just knocked in a 20-footer for par on the first hole. 17 more of those and I’m on to the sectionals!

Jessica: Ugh, nobody cares about your bowling scores.

Tony: No babe, I’m playing golf. Don’t you remember last week at dinner when I told you I was trying to get into the US Open?

Jess: Well if it’s open, why don’t you just go in? Ohmygod! Are you watching The Hills?

Tony: No Jess, I’m in the middle of my round.

Jess: Don’t they have a tv at the bowling alley? I mean, there’s a Hillsmarathon on today. Gosh, I really wish I were back on tv. We should totally get a reality show!

Tony: Actually Jess, I meant to talk to you about that. I’m going to be on that HBO show Hard Knocks during training camp.

Jessica: Hang on, I wanna conference in Daddy on the call.

Tony: What are you fucking kidding me? I once watched you put KY jelly on your toast, how can you possibly know how to-

Joe: Go for Papa Joe!

Jessica: Hey daddy! You won’t believe it, I’m gonna be on another reality show!

Tony: Uh, not exacly…

Joe: What the hell are you talkin’ about? My sweet baby Jessica is the show god damn it!

Tony: Actually Joe-

Joe: Call me Papa Joe.

Tony: I’d rather not. Listen, the show is Hard Knocks on HBO, and it’s about the Cowboys, not me and Jess.

Joe: Are you kidding me? Don’t they know that each one of her milky white ta-ta’s is worth millions in advertising revenue?

Tony: It’s a pay channel, they don’t have advertisers.

Jessica: I just got the sexiest bikini ever.

Tony and Joe: I bet you did, sweet tits.

Jessica: Awww, ya’ll are cute.

Joe: Hell, if this is pay tv we can finally let those suckable nipples some camera time!

Tony: You see, this is exactly why HBO doesn’t want Jess on the show.

Joe: What, are those Hollyjewmo’s scared of some good ole’ home-suckled American fuck globes?

Tony: Her what-globes were suckled by who now?

Joe: Fine, don’t show the fun bags, I’ll save their debut for my retirement. But how about a quick sex tape on the last episode? You know, totally dark, all subtitled like. Classy, all the way.

Tony: Jess, can you believe this shit?

Jess: I know, Heidi’s such a bitch!

Joe: Listen Chico, if you don’t fuck my daughter on that show then I’ll do it myself.

Tony: I hate my life.

[fumbles tee]

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Nick: Yo, Tony, it’s Lachey!

Tony: Hey man, how’ve you been.

Nick: Same old shit. But hey, Mayer and I are in town and we had such a good time at the Cosmo awards we wanted to know if you could come out tonight?

Tony: Oh, I don’t know. Jess and I have dinner reservations, and then I’m penciled in for a solid hour of cuddle time.

Nick: Fuck that man, let’s go get some whores.

Tony: Damn, it has been awhile since I’ve had a good dirty fuck.

Nick: Jessica still thinks it’s gross?

Tony: You know it.

[unintelligible murmuring]

John: Tony, it’s Mayer.

Tony: Mayday!

John: Yeah, I have a way for you to get out of there. It worked for me once when I was supposed to go to one of Ashley’s concerts.

Tony: Oh yeah? But won’t Jess notice I’m gone.

John: Well that’s just it, you need a stand-in.

Tony: But I don’t have one.

John: Are you at Jessica’s place?

Tony: Yeah.

John: Perfect. One time I took Jessica to Six Flags and I won her a big stuffed doll. Whenever I needed to get away I’d just put it on the couch and slip away very slowly.

Tony: Where is it?

John: Check the back of the hall closet, I’ll hold on.

Tony: I don’t know, it certainly isn’t very lifelike.

John: Trust me, she’ll never even notice. She just needs something cute on her arm at all times. If anything, she’ll just think your cuddlier than usual.

Tony: OK, I’m doing it. I’ll meet you at the end of the block in five minutes… this better work.

John: Don’t worry about it.

Later that evening…

Image via WWTDD