Int. Romo’s Living Room

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jason: Hello Anthony, it’s Mr. Garret.

Tony: Yo, J-dog, my man! You wanna go grab a few beers and wrangle up some low-quality tail?

Jason: Surely you jest, Anthony. As you well know, my time is far too valuable for such excursions. Besides, I do believe that philandering about town behind Jessica’s back would cause quite a distraction, something you can ill afford.

Tony: Ah, screw that, man. Jess has been getting all of these phone calls from some weird smooth-talking guy. I think she’s going to dump me, so I figure I better blow the whole thing up first. You know, gotta protect the rep’.

Jason: Indubitably. I’m sure you know best, I’ll let you get back to it then. Just please remember to review the changes in the playbook. The Annexation of Puerto Rico is quite simple for an Ivy Leaguer, but for those of us who matriculated through Eastern Illinois it could be rather complex.

Tony: Yeah whatever, broseph.

[Giggling sounds from the bedroom]

Tony: Hey Jess, are you actually talking to that wackjob with the accent again?

Jess: Shut up Tony, he’s more man than you’ll ever be. I don’t even want to see you anymore, I wish you’d just go home and stay outta my life!

Tony: This is my house you addlebrained cum-guzzler.

Jess: Whatever, you’re a loser!

Tony: Bitch!

[Jessica enters]

Jess: You can’t call me that, my new man is coming over here and his friend is gonna kick your ass!

Tony: Whate-

[loud crashing noise]

Jess: Oh KITT, I love you more than anything, and I wanna have your car-babies!

Sad but (supposedly) true, Tony and Jess are no more.

Big thanks to LSUFreek for the magic.

Tony Romo made a recent stop at Wrigley Field where he lead the crowd in a rendition of Take Me Out to the Ball Game. In a shocking twist that nobody saw coming, he was fucking terrible.

Clearly he’s trying to endear himself to the Simpson ladies. That performance showed the vocal range we’d expect from Jessica and all of the uncomfortable moments that make Ashley’s performances so special.

Harry Caray’s corpse has more charisma as of late.

video courtesy of Bugs and Cranks

Ext. Golf Club of Dallas

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jessica: Why do you answer the phone like that? It’s so stupid.

Tony: Hey Jess, I told you I was busy today.

Jessica: Why, whatareyou doin?

Tony: Well, I just knocked in a 20-footer for par on the first hole. 17 more of those and I’m on to the sectionals!

Jessica: Ugh, nobody cares about your bowling scores.

Tony: No babe, I’m playing golf. Don’t you remember last week at dinner when I told you I was trying to get into the US Open?

Jess: Well if it’s open, why don’t you just go in? Ohmygod! Are you watching The Hills?

Tony: No Jess, I’m in the middle of my round.

Jess: Don’t they have a tv at the bowling alley? I mean, there’s a Hillsmarathon on today. Gosh, I really wish I were back on tv. We should totally get a reality show!

Tony: Actually Jess, I meant to talk to you about that. I’m going to be on that HBO show Hard Knocks during training camp.

Jessica: Hang on, I wanna conference in Daddy on the call.

Tony: What are you fucking kidding me? I once watched you put KY jelly on your toast, how can you possibly know how to-

Joe: Go for Papa Joe!

Jessica: Hey daddy! You won’t believe it, I’m gonna be on another reality show!

Tony: Uh, not exacly…

Joe: What the hell are you talkin’ about? My sweet baby Jessica is the show god damn it!

Tony: Actually Joe-

Joe: Call me Papa Joe.

Tony: I’d rather not. Listen, the show is Hard Knocks on HBO, and it’s about the Cowboys, not me and Jess.

Joe: Are you kidding me? Don’t they know that each one of her milky white ta-ta’s is worth millions in advertising revenue?

Tony: It’s a pay channel, they don’t have advertisers.

Jessica: I just got the sexiest bikini ever.

Tony and Joe: I bet you did, sweet tits.

Jessica: Awww, ya’ll are cute.

Joe: Hell, if this is pay tv we can finally let those suckable nipples some camera time!

Tony: You see, this is exactly why HBO doesn’t want Jess on the show.

Joe: What, are those Hollyjewmo’s scared of some good ole’ home-suckled American fuck globes?

Tony: Her what-globes were suckled by who now?

Joe: Fine, don’t show the fun bags, I’ll save their debut for my retirement. But how about a quick sex tape on the last episode? You know, totally dark, all subtitled like. Classy, all the way.

Tony: Jess, can you believe this shit?

Jess: I know, Heidi’s such a bitch!

Joe: Listen Chico, if you don’t fuck my daughter on that show then I’ll do it myself.

Tony: I hate my life.

[fumbles tee]

Int. Jessica Simpson’s living room.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Nick: Yo, Tony, it’s Lachey!

Tony: Hey man, how’ve you been.

Nick: Same old shit. But hey, Mayer and I are in town and we had such a good time at the Cosmo awards we wanted to know if you could come out tonight?

Tony: Oh, I don’t know. Jess and I have dinner reservations, and then I’m penciled in for a solid hour of cuddle time.

Nick: Fuck that man, let’s go get some whores.

Tony: Damn, it has been awhile since I’ve had a good dirty fuck.

Nick: Jessica still thinks it’s gross?

Tony: You know it.

[unintelligible murmuring]

John: Tony, it’s Mayer.

Tony: Mayday!

John: Yeah, I have a way for you to get out of there. It worked for me once when I was supposed to go to one of Ashley’s concerts.

Tony: Oh yeah? But won’t Jess notice I’m gone.

John: Well that’s just it, you need a stand-in.

Tony: But I don’t have one.

John: Are you at Jessica’s place?

Tony: Yeah.

John: Perfect. One time I took Jessica to Six Flags and I won her a big stuffed doll. Whenever I needed to get away I’d just put it on the couch and slip away very slowly.

Tony: Where is it?

John: Check the back of the hall closet, I’ll hold on.

Tony: I don’t know, it certainly isn’t very lifelike.

John: Trust me, she’ll never even notice. She just needs something cute on her arm at all times. If anything, she’ll just think your cuddlier than usual.

Tony: OK, I’m doing it. I’ll meet you at the end of the block in five minutes… this better work.

John: Don’t worry about it.

Later that evening…

Image via WWTDD

Sure this is old news and it’s already been covered pretty extensively in the sports blogosphere and even by the occasional leather fetishists, but it’s never too late to make fun of douchebags. Unless they got cancer, then the window would probably have closed. But I digress…

Tony Romo joined John Mayer and the Original Cocksucker of Comedy, Dane Cook, as this year’s winner of Cosmo’s coveted Fun, Fearless Male award. I have no idea why anyone would consider these douches to be at the apex of fun and fearlessness. Before the event I would have assumed things broke down thusly…

Of course that was before I was aware that Dane and John have both gone spelunking inside of Jessica Simpson’s velvet cave. Not only that, but last year’s winner was Simpson’s ex-reality show co-star/latch-key husband Nick Lachey.

All of this can only mean one thing…

Jessica Simpson’s fuckhole is filled with treacherous booby traps.

Of course I’m just mad because I was overlooked for yet another year. Apparently juggling newborn babies and AIDS infected needles isn’t quite fun and fearless enough for those frilly magazine writing philistines.