Son, do you know why I pulled you over?

I observed you going through a post-Super Bowl loss period experiencing little to no sign of outward remorse or crushing sadness. One might even go as far as to say you displayed borderline joyous behavior.

These are serious charges, son. As serious as losing a Super Bowl. When I see you prancing about all willy-nilly like it don’t mean nothing, you force my hand. I’m taking you in.

But first, we gonna have us a little chat. Now, they let you play this game so I know at one point somebody sat you down and told you what’s what. In the off-chance you forgot, allow me to refresh:

The game is life. This game is more than life. Life has plenty of rules so you know the game has even more. The game has so many, I don’t even know most of ‘em. But I do know first and foremost it’s serious business and everything hinges on wins and losses. I’ve ruined men’s health and livelihoods and not given it second thought. But failing at the game? That what haunts me. I lost Super Bowls and turned to alcohol and hard drugs to keep my mind from thinking on it. Turns out those substances don’t mix well with HGH. It resulted in a few assault charges that I’m trying to keep on the low, but the experience as a whole made me a stronger man because I learned to confront my grief head-on, like a defenseless receiver.

I knocked the piss out of my grief. And I let every one know I did it. I didn’t just do it because it’s the law; it’s the right thing to do. People were grateful because they felt right to view the game as a serious business because I did too. They see you not torn up about it, what are they supposed to think? That it doesn’t really matter? Can’t be having that.

We’re gonna take a little ride down the station. I’m gonna let you clear your head in the grief tank and by tomorrow you’ll be carrying on like your loved ones were cut down before their time. Sorry about them, by the way. HGH… [Shrugs]

I can’t believe it!

Osama bin Laden has been killed by American forces in Pakistan. With the death of the leader of al-Qaeda, the United States can close a chapter in its so-called “war on terror.” This latest conquest has really been a source of exaltation, relief and joy for American people across the country. This is amazing news for America, for the Middle East, and the world.

Although…

As a Christian man, I really have to condemn the celebration of a man’s death. I am ashamed that a gathering of young people in front of the White House decided to chant songs and jingoistic tunes while acknowledging the death of a religious leader? Does his killing correct all of the wrongs bin Laden committed in his life?

Why must we be such a vengeful people? Why can we not simply honor the memories of the thousands that died during the events 9/11 and the ensuing invasions in the Middle East? How can we allow a man’s death–any man–be the cause of cheering in the streets?

Haven’t we gone too far? Read the rest of this entry »

There have been many attempts to put a comedic or satirical look at sports on TV (“Best Damn Sports Show Period”; “Sports Soup”), and so far none have been able to put together anything smarter or funnier than a SportsCenter commercial or one of Rex Ryan’s speeches from “Hard Knocks.”

That may change in January, when Comedy Central begins airing “Onion SportsDome.” This video making fun of Rodney Harrison’s barbarism shows a lot of promise — a couple of the Photoshops in the video made me laugh. Also, it features Ronde Barber as a guest analyst. Could Ronde become a funny version of Tiki? I dunno, I’d have to see what his mistress looks like.

Five months ago, ESPN “analyst” Jon Gruden taped a mock film study session with four NFL rookies-to-be, one of which was Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. As Tebow went in the first round of the NFL Draft shortly after his segment with Gruden aired, one could be left to wonder how a reunion between those two men would have played out.

JON GRUDEN: Tim Tebow! You kiddin’ me? You’re a football player, man! I tell you. I like that haircut and that shirt and all those muscles, man! I’m tellin’ you!

TIM TEBOW: I have a will to win, Coach. I just love the game of football. Not only do I love to win, but I also hate to lose. And not only do I love to win and hate to lose, but I have no feeling about ties whatsoever. Read the rest of this entry »

FINALLY, SOMEONE TO TAKE THE PK BOUNTY. We mentioned earlier that Rodney Harrison will be taking over for The Bus on NBC’s Footbaw Night in Amurrica. However, it seems the erstwhile Pats safety is using the occasion to make waves, telling Dan Patrick in an interview that he has no regrets from his playing days, even the helmet-to-helmet hit on Jerry Rice that resulted in a $111,000 fine. Quoth Harrison: “That was worth it. I mean I love Jerry, but to be able to knock his head off and to be able to make him pay. I’d spend a hundred grand on that any day.” Man, I suddenly love the idea that he’s sharing a set with Keith Olbermann, Peter King and Bob Costas. [PFT]