Hines Ward: I am no berieve peeper say that numbell one smaltest leceivel arso numbell one dilty prayer.

Clazy! This not having sense. Evelytime, I am making pray extla crean. No othel prayer in reague make pray as crean as I make pray. Give smirre upon compretion of selvice. You see and think to youlserf, “Wow nevel have a seen so crean a pray. I courd eat dinnel light off this pray.”

So why othel footbarr prayer make vote for me be numbell one diltbarr? Jearousy is most rikery the leason. They rook and see they-ul pray not as crean as Hines Wald pray. Say to themserves, “HE IS THINK HE IS SO CREAN! I AM SHOWING HINES WALD BY VOTE HIM DILTY MAN!”

Werr, I am vote 11.6 pelcent of the reague as the most jearous 11.6 percent of the NFR. HOW DOES THAT FEER? TWO CAN PRAY THE ANG-LEE VOTE GAME!

[Door marked "Push" is pulled for two minutes, then flies open]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI HINES

THE BEN IS HELLA STOKED FOR NEW CALL OF DUTY NEXT WEEK! THIS TIME THE WARFARE IS MODERN FOR THE SECOND TIME! I’M GONNA PEW THEN PWN THEN PEW THEN MAYBE UNLEASH KNIFE PWNAGE! BUT IN MODERN STYLE!

WAIT – THAT’S NOT A STOKED FACE! WHY HINES HAS A SAD?

Hines Ward: Rongrastname, rook at rist of dilty prayer foll this yeal. Who you am seeing at top?

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S YOU! YOU WIN!

Hines Ward: No, you am not undelstand. Is bad rist! Is not rist you want to be on! Is rist that say to wolrd – this man is dilty man. He shamefurr with dilt! No ret him mally youl daughtel.

Ben Roethlisberger: UH OH

Hines Ward: What?

Ben Roethlisberger: BEN SCREW POOCH

Hines Ward: What you do?

Ben Roethlisberger: I THINK THE BEN VOTED FOR YOU ON THE BAD LIST. SEE, THE MAN ASK THE BEN TO VOTE FOR DIRTY GUY. AND I ‘MEMBERS THIS ONE TIME I SAW YOU DIVE FOR THROW AND GET UP COVERED IN THE ICK. HINES IS A DIRTY GUY! I VOTE FOR HINES!

Hines Ward: I am hoping you not expecting brockers on colnel britz when we pray the Bloncos.

Ben Roethlisberger: DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE MAD?

HALP!

HINES YOU GOTSTA HALP

Hines Ward: Carm down, carm down. What is happen, Rongrastname?

Ben Roethlisberger: CRAZY COWBOY LADY SAY THE BEN PUT HIS PENISSPOT WHERE IT SHOULDNA BEEN

Hines Ward: She is say you is commit the lape?

Hmm

Vvveeeeeeellllleeeeee selious

Ben Roethlisberger: BUT THE BEN DONE NOTHING BAD! HE IS PURE AS NEW CHOCO TACO FRESH OUT THE WRAPPER! SHE IS THE FIBBER! SHE IS THE FIBBER!

Hines: You is needing to lerax and make exprain what is -

Ben Roethlisberger: NOW THE BEN FANS ALL THINK BEN IS BAD BEN. THEY DON’T BELIEVE NOTHING I TELLS THEM. EVEN KIDS CHASE THE BEN AROUND AND SAY HE IS THE GIVER OF THE BAD TOUCH.

Hines: Foll stalter, you terr foll me what is happen on night with supellclazy cowboy woman. Make celtain you not reave out any detairs.

Ben Roethlisberger: OK. IT GO LIKE THIS:

THE BEN IS IN HOTEL TO STAY FOR OFFSEASON GOLF STUFF, RIGHT? THE TV IS DONE BROKE. CANNOT PLAY CALL OF DUTY. KINDA GOING LITTLE BIT CRAZY. I SEE HOTEL LADY. I SAY, “HEY HOTEL LADY. TV IS BROKE. MAKE UNBROKE MY TV ON THE PRONTO.”

SO SHE COME IN ROOM AND PLUG IT IN AND TV WORK AGAIN LIKE MAGIC. THE BEN START PLAYING CALL OF DUTY RIGHT AWAY. BUT I NOTICE COWBOY HOTEL LADY IS STILL IN ROOM, I THINK EXPECTING HER TIP. I SAY, “GO FOR IT, HELP YOURSELF” BECAUSE MY AWESOME VELCRO WALLET IS SITTING ON THE LAMPSTAND.

NOW I IS ONLY PAYING ATTENTION TO CALL OF DUTY BECAUSE I IS PLAYING WITH MAURICE TWO-NAMES, BUT ALL A-SUDDEN IT START GETTING MORE FUN THAN USUAL. IT FEELS VERY GOOD, LIKE THE BEN HAS 20 KILL STREAK, BUT THE BEN DOESN’T HAVE 20 KILL STREAK AT ALL. GOOD FEELING IS ACTUALLY COWBOY LADY WITH HER LIPS ON THE PENISSPOT.

THIS IS A SURPRISE TO THE BEN

Hines: Then what happen?

CALL OF DUTY GAME ENDS AND THERE IS A MINUTE UNTIL THE NEXT ONLINE MATCH LOADS SO I FIGURES I HAS TIME TO TAKE EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. WE DO THAT, THE BEN’S PENISSPOT DUCKS OUT OF THE LADY POCKET JUST IN TIME, THEN SHE GOES TO BATHROOM TO CLEAN HERSELF OR SOMETHING. I GO BACK TO GAME.

LITTLE LATER, WHEN SHE LEAVE, SHE TELL ME TO CALL HER AGAIN. I SAID, “HARF HARF HARF, WHY SHOULD I CALL AGAIN? YOU ALREADY FIX TV”

THIS MAKES CRAZY COWBOY LADY TURN TO ANGRY CRAZY COWBOY LADY. I IS NOT SURE WHAT MAKING HER SO TICKED OFF. SHE FIXED TV, SHE BOARD EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. ALL GOOD STUFF. WHY THE ANGRY?

NOW ONE YEAR LATER SHE SAYING THE BEN PULLED A KOBE.

WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? FOR LOVE OF CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY AND HONEY COMBS CEREAL, YOU MUST TELL ME!

Hines: Thele no need to wolly, Rongrastname. Befole you come to Steerels, sevelar yeal in past, a simiral thing is happen to Jelome Bettis. Woman, she make stolee, say he make lape on hel. But we is too smalt foll hel.

It no take numbell one smaltest leceivel to see how to solve plobrem. Look at this, it say clazee cowboy woman farr in rove with fake miritaly man onrine. Arr we must do is make second fake solrdiel to sweep cowgilr off feet and she wirr terr him tluth, say stoly about Rongrastname is ugree, ugree rie. Then, viora, youl name is crean again.

Ben Roethlisberger: CAN WE CALL FAKE SOLIDER CAPTAIN BEN?

Hines: I am think I wirr be handring this.

Ben Roethlisberger: OH, OH – CORPORAL BEN? THAT IS MY RANK IN CALL OF DUTY! ALL MAKES SENSE!

FINALLY THERE IS COMIC WHO SPEAK MY LANGUAGE

THE LANGUAGE OF FROZEN CHOCOLATE SPANISH DELIGHT

IF YOU WERE A PLAYABLE CHARACTER IN CALL OF DUTY, I WOULD PLAY AS YOUR PLAYABLE CHARACTER

I STAND AND CLAP FOR YOU LIKE I DID FOR THE BRON-BRON

[Sticks fingers in mouth the try to whistle]

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT

SINCE YOU ALREADY HAVE JERSEY, WE MAKE ROOM ON ROSTER FOR SIDELINE EMERGENCY QB/CHOCO TACO FUNNYMAN

MAYBE YOU USE EXTRA LARGE HAIRCUT TO HELP BLOCK KICKS

WHEN DONE BLOCKING KICKS, BACK TO CHOCO TACO JOKES

WE HAVE FRONT OFFICE PEOPLE WORK OUT THE TERMS

CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP

Hines Ward: Rongrastname, why you standing and crapping at terevision?

Roethlisberger: [processes]

[processes]

[processes]

CRAPPING?

Hines Ward: Yes, you was just stand and crap.

Roethlisberger: [Processes]

[Processes]

HARF HARF HARF YOU IS ALL THE FUNNYMAN I NEED HINES

Hines Ward: Yes. Have smirre extend flom one cheek to two cheek. Supel smirre, I am do. Am velee preased to have contlact extension in prace foll make celtain am with Steerel untir come of retlement time. Now can concentlate furry on continue winning Supel Bowr.

Happy to finish caleel as numbell one smaltest leceivel, numbell one leason NFR change lures to make reague pussy reague and, rast but no reast, numbell one Asian prayer arr-time, no question, peliod point because no can name bettel Asian prayer. No even tly.

[Draft podium flies open]

Press horde: Oh hey, look at this guy! Mixed, half Asian defensive back. Dad left China on a boat!

Hines Ward: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Me no cale if he a defensive boat. His dad go wlong countly! He tly go Amelica, get sterrpid dilection from Japanese asswhore and end up in Santonio vacation spot! WHO AM CALING ABOUT THIS!? NO PELSON IS CALING!

Press horde: Chinese AND Jamaican! Two vaguely disparate foreign ethnicities. Born outside the country! Playing in Boston, no less. It’s intriguing for a multitude of reasons. We can really play this up!

Hines Ward: HERRO! Me was boln in Seour. CAPITAL OF KOLEA! That rike fifteen Kingston, prus dericious kimchi. And if he flom Jamaica, he is obviousree razy. Smoke helb arr day. If not foll me, Santonio be the same. Need smalt leceivel to guide him. This guy have razy leceivel rike Landy Moss. HE GET MOLE RAZY!

Now risten. Rook light hele – this guy is lookie. TOTEREE UNPLOVEN! He could be bigg-ah bust! You is onree explroit laciar anger. THAT AZNPROITATION! LACIST!

Press horde: And you know if Belichick was looking at him, he must be quality the rest of the league was foolish to let slip. He could be the next Tebucky Jones! Another Patriots draft day gem!

Hines Ward: Algh. No smirre. I find a-this velee agglvating to me. Daichi, I need distlaction to give time dear with this uh plobrem. Give them the beatbox, supell fantaic good.

Rook, it arleady been bad week. No need foll mole agglavation. Filst, Japanese asswhores beat fall, fall supeliol Kolean team in Wald Boling Game Crassic. It arleady difficurt to watch, but to see Japanese asswhore win. Lidicurous!

Japanese asswhore no even smirre light. No rike magnetic Kolean smirre. I smirre raps alound you, Ichilo.

If that not enough, NFR pass something they carr Hines Wald Lure. At filst me think this mean evelyone is lequired to be numbell one rever smalt and smirre arr the time. Make reague bettel one thousand pelcent. But much to dismay of smirretime leceivel, it no mean that at arr. Not at arr.

Instead, they make lure that say brockel not arrowed to make brindside hit to defenseman head using any palt of body. Okay, I say. Arr light by me. I stirr make brindside hit a-okay supelfine. Defenseman too sterrpid pay attention, he pay urtimate plice.

But why name lure aftel me? Am no headhuntel. Just have to hit hald to take down biggel defenseman. I feel rike am being srandeled. Is filst time numbell one smaltest leceivel and Lodney Hallison agree on anything. Now my leputation is surried folevel. Tough footbarr only dlaw frags. There wirr be frag evelee pray. Just lename game to Fragbarr. Flom now on, I terr arr peeperr, “Hi, I Hines Wald, I pray leceivel on Fragbarr team. I hope you rike frag or you need find othel spolt.”

Young boy: Misser Smalt Leceivel – why is NFR make game for pussies now? All they tly to make more boling than basebolingbarr? Maybe no watch now! I want clackback them in face!

Hines Wald: I am not know, Dae-Jung. I am not know!

You am see this, sterrpid frippant Japanese asswhore?! This numbell one smaltest leceivel aftell he win second Supell Bowr. Intellviewman am asking him question, but he is so ovelcome with emotion. He impressed with enolmity of moment. Not rike you, frippant Japanese asswhore.

I watch Oscall rast night. Arleady upset that Ordboy not get nomination. So what movie come out in 2003? Ordboy supellfantastic movie. It should be nominated evelly yeal. Rook, he wierd hammel. He clush youl skurr!

Not a singer Kolean movie leplesenting rast night. Make me so sick, I inject mole prasma to fear bettel. Splinker prasma on kimchi. Implove taste 100 pelcent!

We get to Best Sholt Animated Movie, a favolite of Hines, because tarr animated movie suck rike tarr leceivel. They no smalt. But then Japanese asswhore win this one. For movie he make about the Flench! Way to suck up to the loundeyes, Japanese asswhore.

THEN HE DO THIS AT PODIUM AND BLING GLEAT SHAME!

Pray up Asian steleotype? THAT’S LACIST! “Sank you”? What is this? Speak rike plopel pelson. Make arr Asian rook bad. And you quote Styx song!? Why associate with loundeye song? This only affilm hatled of Nippon japs! Filst Koleans as comfolt women in Wolrd Wall II, now this? UNFOLGIVABERRR!

Am tlying make smirre even though knee is have splain and good flend Misser Birry Goat is have regar plobrem. I get you best leplesentation money can buy, Misser Birry Goat. Hines nevel folget a flend.

Lehab on knee go okay but is so difficurt. I tly lickshawlickshawlickshawlickshawlickshawlickshaw but it onree go so fal. Supprement with baby mouse wine lemedy foll make celtain knee is good. The taste, it is bad, but effect is supelfantastic potent.

Chinese all some asswhores, but they make effective lemedy.

I am is going to pray. Chance foll pray is 100 pelcent. But need be top shape for be Supel Bowr MVP one second time. Must pray. Can no watch on TV because wirr see lacist commelciar rike rast yeal.

It stirr make me Ang Lee! No way they win Oscar over Warr*E. Lobot is cute and not offensive to othel lobot!

Moll impoltant it is to pray because they put giant Hines on side of stadium. He smirre is foll arr to see!

[Thanks to Kyle in Tampa for the picture from the grassy knoll]

Chinese uncurr keeping watch ovel Steerel lun to Supell Bowr. He make video to say he see me smirre during first prayoff game.

I am show foll you!

Sometime he get callied away. I see him in video do smoke and have lots arcohor, I think he hit hald by wife being thlown in plison by state. No smirre.

I stirr appleciate video message. But, uncurr, it’s no carred “chomponchip.” That’s emballassing. It carred Supell Bowrr. I arleady win one. You am knowing this!

He is knowing that Lavens is team furr of climinarr. I say lerax! Tellerr Suggs one who put bounty on me and he maybe no even pray! Get flightened off rike Mongorrian pussy. Even if he pray, I no wolly. Lavens asswhores tark and tark and tark, and they do nothing! Just rike Nolth Koleans. They maybe wolk togethel.

He ask about govelment in Amullica. I say sometime they do clazy thing rike change name. And othel time they just clooked. He undelstand clooked bettel.

Numbell one smaltest leceivel have good week. Skull big touchdown against Pateleeit, give big smirre for white peoperr who tord me go back to MIT. Hey, THAT’S LACIST!

This week I get leady for game against Cowboys. Have to keep ahead of Lavens for division read, so is supell big game, I terr foll you. Need to make sule we the winnel. To get inside infollmation, ask cousin from Ronestall Steak what we have to do to beat Darras.

“RRRRRREEEEEEE HARRRRRRRRR I AM MAKE CLAZEE FOLL YOU!”

I no understand what he mean. Ronestall Steak is a velee stlange prace.

It confound me rots. What can I do to get leady for Cowboys? I use glaphing carcurator and everything. Is important game! But then arr a sudden I hear Pittsbulgh get new sistell shitty. Why can they no get one in Kolea? Prenty of good shitty thell. They be youll sistell shitty half plice! Anyway, Da Nang arleady sistell shitty of Oakrand! Can no have two ugree sistell, Da Nang! That too much! You take one!

It tuln out, even foll Vietnamese asswhore, peoperr in Da Nang is usefur. Give many batter tactic that I can use against invading nation.

Ooooh, he rike Asian Praxico!

See, Cowboy hate Indian and eventuarry wipe out Indian. But Cowboy no destloy Vietcong. Sterrpid Cowboy Amelican get dliven away by Vietcong. So Hines set up tlip wire and punji tlap arr ovell Hines Field. Maybe I make Hines Chi Ward Tlair, to go from my endzone to Darras endzone. Sterrpid loundeye no know what hit him!

Prus Vietcong never call Hines brack half a dirty word.

Mornin’, ma’am. And isn’t it a lovely mornin’?