“LACIST!!!!!!1!!

STEERERR NO PAY, RONGRASTNAME NO GET LUB AND TUG!!! IT SIMPER!!”

It’s okay, whoever’s responsible for this probably did charity work at some point.

As a Steelers homer, I also take issue with the subhead. Releasing Hines wasn’t that difficult of a decision for the team. And he’s my favorite player. He has little to nothing left to contribute on the field. The team has salary cap issues and Hines was set to make $4 million next season. Yeah, they could have offered him a pay cut and apparently didn’t, but it’s debatable whether he’s even worth a roster spot at this point. Not putting the franchise tag on Mike Wallace was a tougher call on the Steelers than cutting Hines.

[via]

Hines Ward: Am no bereave team is contemprate make leerease numbell one smaltest leceiverr in NFR histolee. Hines and Steererrrs berong together, rike clack and back. Am Steererrr foll rife. What am Hines to do? WHO WIRR HERP ME NOW

Ben Roethlisberger: HI HINES

Hines: You must herp, Rongrastname! You onree one! Must do something. Team am want to leerease you favolite leceiverrr.

Roethlisberger: COACH GETTIN’ RID OF FAST WILLIE PARKER WALLACE? NOOOOOOOOO

Hines: No, you rummox! You favolite leceiverrr am Hines, foll arr time. Leememberr good old day. Leememberr, Hines win Supel Bowr foll you when you pray rike roser, one hundlred pellcent. Randerr Err bettel QB than you that day! This Hines! He hord arr team lecold. He teach you how be a man. He terr you to get wife light away when people say you lapist.

Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF OH YEAH

Hines: Aftell arr that, you just sit and do no thing when team want throw me to culb rike tlash. Hines be in galbage dump, rike toys in end of Toy Stolee Numbell 3. They buln Hines to clisp.

Roethlisberger: NO! NOOOOOOO! NOT HINES LIGHTYEAR! THAT BAD ‘N’ SAD! THE BEN PUT STOP TO THIS IN JIFFY SPEED

[Garage flies open]

Read the rest of this entry »

Hines Ward: Velee bad idea to ret Rongrastname firr my vehicerr with arcohor and loofies. Unchalactelistic rapse in judgment foll NFR’s smaltest leceivel. It be okay. I am dlive extla safe.

[Drives like Asian]

[Sideswipes car with Ravens bumper sticker for no reason]

Awwwww nerrrrrrrr! I am being in deep revel of tlouberr this time. Okay, okay. Bleaths. Supell big bleaths. No am good to panic. Pray it coor. It wirr arr be arr light. This Geolgia. They rove me foll correge time. And Rongrastname plove you can get away with anything if you pose for photo with porice officells. I get leady big photo smirre face!

[Pulls over]

Officer: Sir, have you been consuming alcoholic beverages this evening?

Hines: Nerr. Nerr dlink.

Officer: There appears to be a great deal of booze pouring out of your driver’s side window.

Hines: Oh, yes, that. That big plank that prayers pray on me. HA HA HA HA! Big fun! You am raffing. I see smirre. It obvious that I am no dlive and dlunk. You want photo now?

Officer: Sir, I observed you driving erratically and now that I have pulled you over, I see that you have a large quantity of exposed alcohol in your car. Please step out of the vehicle so that I may administer a sobriety test.

Hines: Fine. I wirr do. I wirr do. But you wirr see that I am have most sobliety of any leceivel. I no Blayron! I no Donte Starrwolth!

Officer: Please walk along this white line.

[Hines walks line perfectly]

Hines: Ha! So easy! You am see? Sobliety 100 pelcent! Can win dance competition if I want. Light now! I show foll you!

Officer: That won’t be necessary. Right now I want you to recite the alphabet backwards.

Hines: Fine! I do! So easy!

Z…

Y…

X…

Dobber U…

V…

Nolmar U…

T…

S…

L…

Officer: Stop. The letter “L” does not precede the letter “S”.

Hines: Nerr. Wait. You am not undelstand!

Officer: Please place your hands on your vehicle. I am placing you under arrest and charging you with operating a vehicle under the influence.

Hines: Wait! You not even want photo?

Hines: This am no photo I have in mind.

[Drunk tank door flies open]

Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Where dem drunk bitchez be at? Pacman down widdit. Pacman find hisself a drunk-as-fu*k prison bitch and put her in da slamma. Lock da pussy down with five years hard labor. Got dis neck brace on. U think that stopping pussy from gettin ate? OH NAH. Pussy getting ate. U put a iron mask on him, Pacman still gone eat dat pussy. THEN HE GON DRANK. PACMAN BEEN HAD THE DRANK. BUT HE GON DRANK DRANK SOME MO. Ain’t a real drunk tank til Pacman do shots in it.

It was announced yesterday that Hines Ward will be on the next season of “Dancing With The Stars,” which is a show that will never go away because it costs nothing to produce. The NFL’s numbell one smaltest leceivel is the latest in a string of current and former players to have competed, including Jason Taylor, Chad Ochocinco, Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and Warren Sapp and Kurt Warner, among others. I hadn’t realized just how many players had taken part. But that also led to the realization that I also don’t give a shit about DWTS. It’s been a morning of discovery at my place.

Hines isn’t known for being all that agile, so the producers are likely hoping he’ll throw a crackback block at Chris Jericho, thus inciting a melee which will end with Bill Simmons shrieking in the audience for Ralph Macchio to sweep everyone’s leg.

As for the dancing, Hines will end up imitating all the moves that Ocho used when he appeared on the show.

Ben Roethlisberger: HI TEAM! THE BEN IS BACK FROM BEING ON SUSPENDERS.

YOU BAND OF BRUDDERS READY TO WIN AND STUFF? DURING SUSPENDERS I TOOK REPS AND REPS AND REPS AND REPS. MORE REPS THAN I EVER THINK I CAN REP. BIG BAD BEN GONE AND NEW BIG FOLK KISS BEN TAKE HIS PLACE.

THAT MEAN:

NO MO’ MAKE BAD TOUCH

NO MO’ HOLD BALL FOREVER AND EVA

NO MO’ LEAVE PRACTICE EARLY FOR CALL OF DUTY, EVEN AFTER BLACKS OPS COME OUT

NO MO’ CHOCO TACO

HARF HARF HARF THAT A JOKE ON LAST ONE

Trai Essex: Oh thank God, he’s back. It was so bad. We won the majority our games and all, but it was torture every time we had to move the ball. Except that game against Tampa Bay because they suck ass.

Bruce Arians: I had to run the ball! [goes into spasms]

Charlie Batch: [Coughs and wheezes] Made me miss mah nap.

Kordell Stewart: They made me change my name to “Dennis Dixon.”

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN KNOW HE LET YOU DOWN, BAND OF BRUDDERS. THE BEN SO PROUD HOW HARD YOU WORK WHEN HE ON SUSPENDERS. HE MADE THIS DRAWING TO SHOW YOU HOW HE PROUD.

NOW WE FINISH JOB TOGETHER. NOW WE WORK EVEN MORE HARD AND SUCCEED EVEN MORE HARD. WE NO STOP PLAY TOUGH UNTIL WE GET SILVER FOOTBALL TROPHY FOR THE NUMBER THIRD TIME AND PEOPLE SHUT UP ABOUT STUPID LADIES WHO MAKE EVIL LIES. WHO IS WITH ME?

HARF HARF HARF, HEY HINES WHAT’S YOU GOT ON YOUR HEADSPOT?

Hines Ward: Is specserr bleast cancell awellness hat. Is make arr peeper awell of dangel of bleast cancel, which is when woman bleast get bad rumps and they kirr the woman.

Ben Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF, LOOK LIKE YOU GOTS A BIG NIPPLE WHERE YOUR HEADSPOT SHOULD BE

MMMMMMM NIPPLE

[Bzzzzzztttttttt sound]

YYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

Hines Ward: What is happen, Rongrastname?

Ben Roethlisberger: OH, IT’S THIS COLLAR THE COMMISH MAN GAVE TO THE BEN. GIVE THE ELECTRIC OWWWIES ANY TIME BEN HAVE A BAD THOUGHT.

NO BIG WHOOP. NOT GONNA STOP THE BEN FROM TAKING REPS, BEING STEEL TOWN BALLER AND WINNING THE BIG GAMES.

[Sunday]

Ben Roethlisberger: YOOOOOWWWWW GAWD NO END TO OWIES

[browns pic via]

Your Meast for Week 4 is Patrick Chung, the numbell one smaltest Chinese-Jamaican safety in the NFR, mon. On Monday night, Chung blocked a field goal and a punt then intercepted a pass which he returned for a touchdown. Randy Moss immediately became expendable as soon as the Patriots figured out they could count on 21 points per game from their special teams. NO ONE DENIES THIS! Speaking of which, Chung’s performance helped get Dolphins special teams coach John Bonamego fired on Tuesday. More like John Bonvoyage, am I right? Eh? Ehhhhhh…

Anyway, Chung attributed his performance to “woosa,” a thing from Bad Boys II that is essentially Hakuna matata for grown-up bros in pressure situations.

At least it’s Asian-sounding. Awfully kind of him to make our childish stereotyping that much easier. And look, we’ve righted a grave injustice. Maybe PK won’t hate us so much now.

IS IT HOTELS.COM SMART!?

Your Least of Week 4 is Nate Clements, who made what appeared to be a game-sealing interception against the Falcons with 90 seconds left, except he was stripped of the ball while making the return. The Falcons recovered and drove down the field to make the winning field goal. So how did all of Chicago’s early season luck transfer to the Falcons? Atlanta got Garrett Hartley to miss a 29-yard field goal in overtime when they played the Saints, and this past week Clements gave them a second chance by putting the ball on the ground. New Orleans voodoo guy needs to try something new.

The preseason NFC West favorite Niners have dropped to 0-4. Now, kneejerk clueless assholes like me think the Rams have a legitimate chance at making the playoffs. Which means of course that Sam Bradford will get his shoulder shredded this weekend and they’ll lose 10 straight. Delusion was fun while it lasted.

Oh, and we considered giving the Least to the Bears offensive line, who are certainly deserving for giving up nine sacks in the first half alone on Sunday night to the Giants, but we like to give it to individuals when possible and that was such an incredibly shitty performance from all involved that it was impossible to do so.

Ben Roethlisberger: HINES!

HINES!

ME NOT SAYING HI TO YOU TODAY BECAUSE YOU MADE MUD OF THE BEN’S NAME! ME AFRAID TO SHOW FACE BECAUSE ME KNOW PEOPLE THINK “THERE GO BIG MUD! HINES SAY SO!” YOU GO ON TV AND TELL SPORTS MIDGET THAT THE BEN IS NAMBY PAMBY MAN FOR MISSING GAME AGAINST DRUGTOWN?

THE BEN HAS PLAYED WITH OWIES IN EVERY SPOT YOU CAN HAVE OWIES!

HEAD OWIES
KNEE OWIES
ARM OWIES
CHEST OWIES
RIBWICH OWIES
OTHER ARM OWIES

AND UHHHHHHHHHHHH

AND SOME OTHER OWIES

BUT NOW YOU SAID BAD THINGS AND MADE THE BEN LOOK WEAK! HOW SUPPOSED TO BE FEARLESS LEADER WHEN TEAMMATES THINK THE BEN HIDING LIKE WHEN YOU GET RED SCREEN IN CALL OF DUTY AND HAVE TO HIDE FOR 5 SECONDS UNTIL YOUR BULLET WOUNDS HEAL LIKE MAGIC! DRUGTOWN FANS EVEN SAY THE BEN IS A DRAMA QUEEN!

[Strikes heroic pose]

THE BENNNNN IS NOOOOOOO DRAAAAMMMMMAAAAAA QUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN

ME THINK MAYBE ME NEED NEW RECEIVER FRIEND. MIKE WALLACE GOTS THE COOL MOHAWK! MAYBE HE WANT TO PAL AROUND AND SHARE CHOCO TACO!

Hines Ward: I so solly.

I am knowing that I owe foll you big aporogy.

Was so flustlated when I heal on Satulday that you no be praying against Bartimole. Big game come the next day and all sudden we have Kolderr Stewalt Juniol as qualtelback. Foll many yeals had to pray with Kolderr. Not want go back to that.

So not bloadcaster know Hines upset and ask for intelview. He work sympathies because he is not tarr rike me.

Get me to say thing I leglet now. I was no mean them! So much flustlation because I hate the Latbilds! So fun when get to knock Ed Leed on glound. He tly to tacker me Sunday and I push him 10 yald. I win wheer ballow lace with Ed Leed!

I am hope you accept aporogy and we move on to pray Laidels. Save season 100 pelcent!

Ben Roethlisberger: UHHHHHHH SORRY THE BEN BLACKED OUT FOR A SECOND

Hines Ward: Pussy.

Hines Ward: I am no berieve peeper say that numbell one smaltest leceivel arso numbell one dilty prayer.

Clazy! This not having sense. Evelytime, I am making pray extla crean. No othel prayer in reague make pray as crean as I make pray. Give smirre upon compretion of selvice. You see and think to youlserf, “Wow nevel have a seen so crean a pray. I courd eat dinnel light off this pray.”

So why othel footbarr prayer make vote for me be numbell one diltbarr? Jearousy is most rikery the leason. They rook and see they-ul pray not as crean as Hines Wald pray. Say to themserves, “HE IS THINK HE IS SO CREAN! I AM SHOWING HINES WALD BY VOTE HIM DILTY MAN!”

Werr, I am vote 11.6 pelcent of the reague as the most jearous 11.6 percent of the NFR. HOW DOES THAT FEER? TWO CAN PRAY THE ANG-LEE VOTE GAME!

[Door marked "Push" is pulled for two minutes, then flies open]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI HINES

THE BEN IS HELLA STOKED FOR NEW CALL OF DUTY NEXT WEEK! THIS TIME THE WARFARE IS MODERN FOR THE SECOND TIME! I’M GONNA PEW THEN PWN THEN PEW THEN MAYBE UNLEASH KNIFE PWNAGE! BUT IN MODERN STYLE!

WAIT – THAT’S NOT A STOKED FACE! WHY HINES HAS A SAD?

Hines Ward: Rongrastname, rook at rist of dilty prayer foll this yeal. Who you am seeing at top?

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S YOU! YOU WIN!

Hines Ward: No, you am not undelstand. Is bad rist! Is not rist you want to be on! Is rist that say to wolrd – this man is dilty man. He shamefurr with dilt! No ret him mally youl daughtel.

Ben Roethlisberger: UH OH

Hines Ward: What?

Ben Roethlisberger: BEN SCREW POOCH

Hines Ward: What you do?

Ben Roethlisberger: I THINK THE BEN VOTED FOR YOU ON THE BAD LIST. SEE, THE MAN ASK THE BEN TO VOTE FOR DIRTY GUY. AND I ‘MEMBERS THIS ONE TIME I SAW YOU DIVE FOR THROW AND GET UP COVERED IN THE ICK. HINES IS A DIRTY GUY! I VOTE FOR HINES!

Hines Ward: I am hoping you not expecting brockers on colnel britz when we pray the Bloncos.

Ben Roethlisberger: DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE MAD?

HALP!

HINES YOU GOTSTA HALP

Hines Ward: Carm down, carm down. What is happen, Rongrastname?

Ben Roethlisberger: CRAZY COWBOY LADY SAY THE BEN PUT HIS PENISSPOT WHERE IT SHOULDNA BEEN

Hines Ward: She is say you is commit the lape?

Hmm

Vvveeeeeeellllleeeeee selious

Ben Roethlisberger: BUT THE BEN DONE NOTHING BAD! HE IS PURE AS NEW CHOCO TACO FRESH OUT THE WRAPPER! SHE IS THE FIBBER! SHE IS THE FIBBER!

Hines: You is needing to lerax and make exprain what is -

Ben Roethlisberger: NOW THE BEN FANS ALL THINK BEN IS BAD BEN. THEY DON’T BELIEVE NOTHING I TELLS THEM. EVEN KIDS CHASE THE BEN AROUND AND SAY HE IS THE GIVER OF THE BAD TOUCH.

Hines: Foll stalter, you terr foll me what is happen on night with supellclazy cowboy woman. Make celtain you not reave out any detairs.

Ben Roethlisberger: OK. IT GO LIKE THIS:

THE BEN IS IN HOTEL TO STAY FOR OFFSEASON GOLF STUFF, RIGHT? THE TV IS DONE BROKE. CANNOT PLAY CALL OF DUTY. KINDA GOING LITTLE BIT CRAZY. I SEE HOTEL LADY. I SAY, “HEY HOTEL LADY. TV IS BROKE. MAKE UNBROKE MY TV ON THE PRONTO.”

SO SHE COME IN ROOM AND PLUG IT IN AND TV WORK AGAIN LIKE MAGIC. THE BEN START PLAYING CALL OF DUTY RIGHT AWAY. BUT I NOTICE COWBOY HOTEL LADY IS STILL IN ROOM, I THINK EXPECTING HER TIP. I SAY, “GO FOR IT, HELP YOURSELF” BECAUSE MY AWESOME VELCRO WALLET IS SITTING ON THE LAMPSTAND.

NOW I IS ONLY PAYING ATTENTION TO CALL OF DUTY BECAUSE I IS PLAYING WITH MAURICE TWO-NAMES, BUT ALL A-SUDDEN IT START GETTING MORE FUN THAN USUAL. IT FEELS VERY GOOD, LIKE THE BEN HAS 20 KILL STREAK, BUT THE BEN DOESN’T HAVE 20 KILL STREAK AT ALL. GOOD FEELING IS ACTUALLY COWBOY LADY WITH HER LIPS ON THE PENISSPOT.

THIS IS A SURPRISE TO THE BEN

Hines: Then what happen?

CALL OF DUTY GAME ENDS AND THERE IS A MINUTE UNTIL THE NEXT ONLINE MATCH LOADS SO I FIGURES I HAS TIME TO TAKE EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. WE DO THAT, THE BEN’S PENISSPOT DUCKS OUT OF THE LADY POCKET JUST IN TIME, THEN SHE GOES TO BATHROOM TO CLEAN HERSELF OR SOMETHING. I GO BACK TO GAME.

LITTLE LATER, WHEN SHE LEAVE, SHE TELL ME TO CALL HER AGAIN. I SAID, “HARF HARF HARF, WHY SHOULD I CALL AGAIN? YOU ALREADY FIX TV”

THIS MAKES CRAZY COWBOY LADY TURN TO ANGRY CRAZY COWBOY LADY. I IS NOT SURE WHAT MAKING HER SO TICKED OFF. SHE FIXED TV, SHE BOARD EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. ALL GOOD STUFF. WHY THE ANGRY?

NOW ONE YEAR LATER SHE SAYING THE BEN PULLED A KOBE.

WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? FOR LOVE OF CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY AND HONEY COMBS CEREAL, YOU MUST TELL ME!

Hines: Thele no need to wolly, Rongrastname. Befole you come to Steerels, sevelar yeal in past, a simiral thing is happen to Jelome Bettis. Woman, she make stolee, say he make lape on hel. But we is too smalt foll hel.

It no take numbell one smaltest leceivel to see how to solve plobrem. Look at this, it say clazee cowboy woman farr in rove with fake miritaly man onrine. Arr we must do is make second fake solrdiel to sweep cowgilr off feet and she wirr terr him tluth, say stoly about Rongrastname is ugree, ugree rie. Then, viora, youl name is crean again.

Ben Roethlisberger: CAN WE CALL FAKE SOLIDER CAPTAIN BEN?

Hines: I am think I wirr be handring this.

Ben Roethlisberger: OH, OH – CORPORAL BEN? THAT IS MY RANK IN CALL OF DUTY! ALL MAKES SENSE!

FINALLY THERE IS COMIC WHO SPEAK MY LANGUAGE

THE LANGUAGE OF FROZEN CHOCOLATE SPANISH DELIGHT

IF YOU WERE A PLAYABLE CHARACTER IN CALL OF DUTY, I WOULD PLAY AS YOUR PLAYABLE CHARACTER

I STAND AND CLAP FOR YOU LIKE I DID FOR THE BRON-BRON

[Sticks fingers in mouth the try to whistle]

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT

SINCE YOU ALREADY HAVE JERSEY, WE MAKE ROOM ON ROSTER FOR SIDELINE EMERGENCY QB/CHOCO TACO FUNNYMAN

MAYBE YOU USE EXTRA LARGE HAIRCUT TO HELP BLOCK KICKS

WHEN DONE BLOCKING KICKS, BACK TO CHOCO TACO JOKES

WE HAVE FRONT OFFICE PEOPLE WORK OUT THE TERMS

CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP

Hines Ward: Rongrastname, why you standing and crapping at terevision?

Roethlisberger: [processes]

[processes]

[processes]

CRAPPING?

Hines Ward: Yes, you was just stand and crap.

Roethlisberger: [Processes]

[Processes]

HARF HARF HARF YOU IS ALL THE FUNNYMAN I NEED HINES