Mark Sanchez: Felt good to get back in the win column again, Thomas.
Thomas Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Who we got this week? Miami? That’s gonna be a toughie.
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Heard about Coach Ryan chewing me out in the media over that hot dog?
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: You think he’s really that mad about it?
Jones: We’ll see.
(door flies open, smell of McDonald’s wafts in)
Remember that big offseason fight that Rex Ryan had with Channing Crowder? Of course you don’t, because everyone stopped paying attention to the Dolphins weeks ago. “BUT REX DIDN’T FORGET! HE’S GONNA HAVE LINEMEN DRIVING AT THEM KNEES, STOCKARD CHANNING!”
But Rex also needs to know his rookie is ready to rebound from his disastrous performance against the Saints.
I MEAN, REALLY READY!
Oh loogit, little Nacho (his actual Rex-imposed nickname is the much more unfortunate Sanchise) is Twitter-humming the Monday Night Football theme. He hasn’t been this excited since his first date rape at USC. Good thing he doesn’t tell any jokes on his feed. It always weirds me out when Spanish-speaking people write out laughter as “jejejejejejeje” online.
Mark Sanchez: Oof, that was a tough loss the other day, Leon.
Leon Washington: Yup.
Sanchez: The Saints handled us pretty good.
Washington: Yup.
Sanchez: I guess that’s just a lesson you learn. Everything isn’t always gonna be all roses. I gotta realize that I still have a lot to learn. Can’t get too pleased with anything. I guess Coach Ryan’s gonna go pretty hard on us.
Washington: Are you kidding? He’s even more fun after a loss than he is after a win.
Sanchez: Really? How so?
(door flies open)
Jets Fan: Honey, you seen my keys?
Wife: They’re in the drawer.
Jets Fan: Why do you always put them in the drawer? I use ‘em every day! Now I gotta go open the drawer every freakin’ time!
Wife: Oh, you’ll live.
Jets Fan: We’ll have words, woman.
(phone rings)
Jets Fan: Huh. I don’t recognize that number. Eh, what the hey. I’ll answer it.
(flip phone flies open)
I don’t think there’s ever been another team in history that’s generated more buzz with a win over the Texans than the Jets have this week. And with that newfound swagger they’ve decided to poke the bear as much as possible in advance of their Kris Jenkins dubbed “Super Bowl” against the Pats. Metal Gear Rex did his best Lane Kiffin impression and Kerry Rhodes pulled a near-Anthony Smith. There were even pointless Twitter fights involving Rodney Harrison, who someone needs to remind is no longer on the active roster.
Can Rex’s dirty chimichanga play well enough for the J-E-S-T to pull one out? Or will the Pats receivers decide not to drop seven passes this week and run away with it? Either way, Rex is at Scores by 5 p.m.
(Monday morning, Jets headquarters)
Mark Sanchez: Hey, Leon!
Leon Washington: Yo.
Sanchez: Who we got on the schedule this week?
Washington: Looks like… New England. Pats coming in.
Sanchez: Oof. The Pats? Damn. They’re tough.
Washington: Yup.
Sanchez: What do you think the game plan’s gonna be?
Washington: Don’t worry about it. Coach Ryan got it taken care of.
Sanchez: Hey, where is Coach Ryan?
(door flies open)
