Dungy: It is Christmas. CHRIST MASS. And yet, I do not feel that my beloved National Football League is operating as a proper vehicle for our Lord. Look at the way we’ve commercialized and bastardized the purity of Tim Tebow’s faith. There is a young man who knows MORAL COURAGE, a young man who isn’t afraid to speak out against abominations like ABORTION, and GAYS, and GAYBORTIONS. And yet, he’s been reduced to a mere talking point for the secular fundamentalists in our mainstream media! IS NOTHING SACRED?!

And now, as we near the birthday of our Savior Jesus Christ, I’m more concerned than ever. That filthy Rex Ryan and his band of dirty Jets players are STILL in the playoff hunt! This cannot be! What kind of country will we find ourselves living in if these, these… MISCREANTS were allowed into the postseason yet again! These are not ETHICAL creatures. They have refused my guidance at every conceivable turn, and now is the time for me to ACT! I must bring in one of my most trusted allies. Sergeant?

(door flies open)

Read the rest of this entry »

Mark Sanchez: Damn, Shonn! I threw for four touchdowns last week!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: I don’t feel like I threw that many TDs. I feel like I played worse than that.

Shonn Greene: You did.

Mark Sanchez: I wonder if Coach was on the verge of benching me.

Shonn Greene: I would’ve.

Mark Sanchez: Well, I think this win is just the kind of springboard we need to get back on track. I think we’re on our way to doing great things, and I can take us there! Don’t you think so?

Shonn Greene: Uh… I’m gonna get a snack.

Mark Sanchez: Shonn? Shonn! Come back! I need to know you trust me, man! COME ON!

(doorknob fondled creepily)

(door flies open)

Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s do this, Rex. First order of business: BOUNTIES. A fresh whore to the man who supplies a Tebow part ripped clean from his body. Gotta settle for Jenn Sterger if you only draw blood.

[Bays for blood while beating knife and fork against kitchen table]

Oh, you shut up, Breer. We only like you because you serve as a handy counterexample to Peter King’s overpowering nutmeg-scented laziness. Don’t you start telling us things we don’t want to hear. “OMG HOW DO WE PREPARE FOR A QB WHO ONLY COMPLETES TWO PASSES A GAME?! PLEASE, JUST GIVE US ’07 BRADY INSTEAD. ANYTHING BUT THAT!”

The Patriots have lost two straight largely because their defense blows and the offense has no one capable of stretching the field. Last week, Eli Manning essentially replicated the game-winning Super Bowl XLII drive (MINUS THE LUCKIEST PLAY IN RECORDED SPORTING HISTORY ACCORDING TO BILL SIMMONS) and now the Patriots must travel to the Quasi-Newish Meadowlands to face their biggest rivals.

“FACK THIS TEAM! THEY AHHHH NAWT WORTHY OF THE PROUD NAME OF THE GREATRIOTS! THEY AHHHH REDUCED TO PLAINTRIOTS WHO PRAWBABLY EAT FRIED CHICKEN AND DRINK BE-AH IN THE HUDDLE! OCHOSTINKO DOUBLE FISTS FAHHTIES AWN THE SIDELINE. I SAWR HIM! CUT HIM NOW OR-AH TRADE BILLY B. TO THE CUBBIES”

It’s worth nothing that New England already soundly beat the Jets in their first encounter, but that was before Rex Ryan and Brian Schottenheimer arrived at the brilliant realization that perhaps the best course of winning for their team was entrusting as little responsibility to Mark Sanchez as possible. It’s called Tebow Tactics and it’s a proven godsend.

Continue after the jump for the original image in all its glory.

Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks to all those who showed up for the live blog despite knowing this game was going to suck. Then rolling with it as it outsucked even the suckiest expectations. ESPN had Fireman Ed do the game intro. Yes, it was that bad. And things actually got worse from there. Brandon Marshall didn’t have the courtesy to do anything extraordinarily crazy or life-threatening. Matt Moore did his derpy best to provide laughs by throwing at Revis all night, but I’m afraid that’s not enough to carry a broadcast.

But a referee did get run over, which was nice. If you missed the game, allow me to save you three hours.

If only the Broncos had just gone ahead and traded Kyle Orton to the Dolphins, things might be somewhat better right now. Tim Tebow would have started right out of the gate for Denver – no fuss, no billboard bullsh*t. He would have sucked and probably would have already been benched by now. And the Dolphins would be marginally better at quarterback. Even if Orton had been injured as Chad Henne was, at least then Henne would be starting tonight instead of Matt Moore. Big deal, you scoff. WELL IT IS! Matt Moore makes Chad Henne look like Aaron Rodgers. This will not be fun. You remember that game last season between the Bears and Panthers where Chicago won 23-6 even though their starting QB, Todd Collins, completed 37.5 percent of his passes, threw four interceptions and had a QB rating of 6.2? Probably not, and you shouldn’t, but here’s a pertinent fact: MATT F*CKING MOORE WAS THE OPPOSING QUARTERBACK.

It’s all up to super cray-cray wide receiver Brandon Marshall to live up to his promise of a quarter and a half of amazing output before he does something derptarded and gets himself tossed from the game. Knowing him, he’ll punch a woman or something, but we’ll get to experience the shocking and disturbing moment together.

Mark Sanchez: Oh wow, Shonn. We’re in some serious trouble here!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: Three losses in a row! Man, we suck right now!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: And you know what the worst part of it is? I think it might be my fault.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: I feel like I’m losing the team. I feel like everyone has lost faith in me.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: What’s up with you, Shonn? You seem awfully curt today. Just a bunch of one-word answers.

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: Oh, God. You, too? I’ve lost you, along with everyone else! OH NO! I can’t believe I’ve managed to lose my best friend in all this!

Shonn Greene: Best friend? The hell you talking about?

Mark Sanchez: We’re not best friends?

Shonn Greene: Nope.

Mark Sanchez: I thought we were best friends!

Shonn Greene: Nope.

Mark Sanchez: Christ, everything I’ve ever believed in has been a lie! What if I’ve been fooling myself this whole time? What if I’ve never been worth a damn? This is a spiritual crisis, Shonn!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Mark Sanchez: Maybe a trip to see “Mamma Mia!” would help get my head straight. Sometimes, it just feels so good to get away and lose yourself in ABBA.

Shonn Greene: (shakes head)

Mark Sanchez: I thought you liked musicals!

Shonn Greene: Nope.

(ground rumbling)

Mark Sanchez: Maybe coach will have it sorted out. I need help!

(door flies open)

Read the rest of this entry »

During the Sunday Night Football Night In Redundancy Night pregame show, Bart Scott dubbed himself “The Mad Backer” which is just about as stupid a nickname as the “T-Sizzle” moniker belonging to former teammate and tonight’s opponent, Terrell Suggs. Not to be outdone, Terrell Suggs did what he does in preparation of any big game – he resorted to TEE SHIRT TRASH TALK! DOWN WITH HOMEWORK! DONE WITH HOMEWORK!

Ha ha, it’s so funny until you realize Bart Scott gets paid royalties on those shirts. (UPDATE: or not.)

Anyway, these two teams played a painfully sloppy game in Week 1 last year, so let’s hope for something just a little more watchable this go-round. Also, the swift end of Ray Lewis’ playing career. Not asking for much, here.

Dungy: For the past few years, I have seen my beloved NFL become overrun with loudmouth coaches and deranged hooligans with no semblance of respect for authority of Jesus. It is travesty, I tell you. What was once a league of QUIET STRENGTH has now succumbed to our worst secular impulses: selfishness, greediness, look-at-meism! I won’t tolerate it any longer. I will not sit idly by while that disgusting REX RYAN and his band of foul-mouthed cretins sully the inherent Godliness of our most American sport! That’s why I called on you. I know you understand where I’m coming from. I feel like we can see eye-to-eye. You and me, we understand each other, do we not?

Read the rest of this entry »