Praise be! The Lord’s favored football disciples are rewarded by being on winning teams. Tony Dungy’s Colts are 4-0, Shaun Alexander’s C-Hox are 3-1, and facing off this week are Jon Kitna’s surprising 3-1 Lions and Joe Gibbs’ 2-1 godless sun worshipers. Of course, God’s linebacker, Ray Lewis, is holding everybody back with the Ravens’ disappointing 2-2 start, but he’s been known to stray from time to time, anyway. Jesus’ love is on the line. WHO YA GOT?

1. It desperately needs to be at least four times longer.

2. Everything becomes 40% cooler when it’s set to the Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage.”

3. Hyenas are fucking assholes.

4. Male lions always get a bad rap. “Oh, the lionesses do all the hunting and killing; the males have little purpose besides roaring and insemination.” Oh yeah? Well, it seems to me that the pride would have a big fuckin’ hyena problem if Mufasa didn’t pull the occasional deus ex machina. RAWR! Run away from this, shithead. Oh wait, you can’t — I’ve snapped your hind leg with my jaws of death. FACE.