Bless you, NFL.com writer Jeff Darlington. In his debut piece for the site, Darlington profiles The Cumslinger, who is either finally righting an erratic career or enjoying a brief stint of competence before fumbling his way out of the league. Either way, Darlington earns an eternal place in KSK’s cold, unfeeling black heart by forcing Sexy Rexy to read Drew’s brilliant first Sex Cannon post.

I asked Grossman if he’s ever seen the popular (albeit crude) blog post on KissingSuzyKolber.com known as “Unleash the Dragon.” [Editor note: actual post title contains more cuss words] It’s a satirical essay that’s composed as if Grossman wrote it.

“Making a bunch of big throws in college made me addicted to that kind of stuff,” Grossman said. “So I think I had the same mindset in Chicago. And you know what? I did make a bunch of big plays. But I also made a bunch of plays I shouldn’t have.”

That right, Rexy. You give the diplomatic answer. Before we know it, you’ll be running wild through Jerry Jones entire collection of sky pussy. “Susan Skaggs, unhinge your crotch. THE DRAGON’S BEEN UNLEASHED!”

So didja hear? This lockout business is gonna be cleared up by SUNDEE. And you know what comes after that? Free agency! Cooch Shanny and that smiley fella are gonna hop in Redskins One and snatch up all the best talent before these other clowns even know they’re back open for business.

/listens to the Junkies

Who do you think we’ll sign first? I hear Braylon is already sure thing. How can we lose?

/tweets @chaddukes incessantly

Once he’s locked up for the rest of the decade we can fly out to visit NNAMDEE. Hail to ole, DC!

/never gets any closer to DC than Landover

And you know who would look good on the other side? CROOMARTEE.

/calls Czabe to predict a 14-2 record

It’s gonna be like ’82 and ’87 all over again, so book us a room for the Super Bowl. The Redskins are returning to GLOREE!

/sets up camp outside of Redskins Park in anticipation of training camp

A frightening scene if you happened to be a concession stand or a timeout in FedEx Field last night.

So… Ookie had a bit of a night in Raljon. If you happened to be starting Vick in fantasy, congratulations on your win, because there’s no excuse if you did start him and still lost. Even Jerome Harrison, the incumbent Browns starter in preseason who turned out to be a waste of
a mid-round fantasy pick, was incredibly productive in that game. And man did I love LaRon Landry talking shit before the game then getting toasted for 88-yards on the game’s opening play.

As for the Reid doppelganger, I especially enjoy how this is at least the second straight game where the broadcasters have made an effort to make fun of Reid. The previous instance, of course, came last week when CBS unearthed little footage of Baby Huey Reid competing in the Punt, Pass and Kick competition in 1971. Not surprisingly since Andy sprang almost fully formed at birth already at 5′ 3″ 240 lbs. If Momma Reid didn’t die in childbirth, she must be the single strongest woman ever.

Earlier today the Redskins swung a trade with Baltimore to acquire reserve quarterback John Beck. Normally this isn’t the kind of thing people would care about, but that all changed when everyone realized it was the death knell of the Colt Brennan era in Washington.

Hmmm…that doesn’t sound very official. Maybe he said “aloha.” That could be taken in a number of different ways, right?

Very well then. I guess now it’s all over but the crying.

Oh, and there will be crying.

The Dead Tree Crew will be sitting shiva for the rest of the week.

APE RETURNS TO DISCREDIT WAPO SOME MORE! Who says you can’t go home again? Answer: It was Tom Wolfe and he was right. But he never said you couldn’t briefly return to be the subject of a guest post in a home that you were unfairly ejected from! In advance of the Steelers-’Skins preseason game Saturday in Raljon, Dan Steinberg quizzes me on the differences between Redskins and Stillers fans. And, man, there are so many. ‘Cause Steelers fans chant like this [does obnoxious chant] but Redskins fans chant like this [does slightly different obnoxious chant]. Also, we don’t have to hate our owner. Advantage: Picksburgh!

I’m off the internet for four days and the Redskins trade for Jason Taylor. How the hell does that happen?

Well apparently all it took was a second rounder in next year’s draft, a sixth rounder in the subsequent draft, and a special song dedicated to Jason by the one and only Zorn Star.

We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance
Well they’re no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance
Dance!

We can go when we want to
The night is young and so am I
And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet
And surprise ‘em with the victory cry
Say, we can act if want to
If we don’t nobody will
And you can act real rude and totally removed
And I can act like an imbecile

I say, we can dance, we can dance
Everything out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We’re doing it from wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody takin’ the cha-a-a-ance

We can dance if we want to
We’ve got all your life and mine (Ed. Note: 2 years)
As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it
Everything’ll work out right
I say, we can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance
Well they’re no friends of mine

I’m really sorry for doing this.

Ah, YouTube… savior of the lazy blogger. This one has something for everyone. Funky Stevie Wonder knockoff soundtrack, plenty o’gratuitous T & A, and a walrus in a John Riggins jersey….

The rest of the gay mafia went out for mannies and peddies. Looks like you are stuck with flub today, kids.

Oh man. Did you get a look at that contract that Al Davis gave Javon Walker? Six years for $55 million. Ooooh yeah, I bet that felt good. Those days are behind me though. I’m staying clean this year.

But, but, I can’t be content with just hiking ticket prices, concession prices, parking prices and authentic official Redskins Sean Taylor grieving towel prices. I have to put the Snyder imprint on this off-season, with a blockbuster bank-breaking signing that will get woefully optimistic ‘Skins fans expecting 13 wins next season.

[Hyperventilating]

Everybody says I have to be more disciplined this year. We don’t have the cap room. I don’t want the Thetans.

[Grabs newspaper]

Six years, $42 million for Shaun Rogers? With $20 million guaranteed? No fucking way. What are you trying to do to me? Jerry Porter for $30 million? Madieu Williams for $33 million?

BERNARD FUCKING BERRIAN FOR $42 MILLION POTOMAC TREE CHOPPING DOLLARS!?

Aaaahhhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhhhh AAAAAAHHHHH AAAAAHHHH

I gotta do it. Get the jet. Get the checkbook. Get a couple bullshit Wizards tickets ready. We’ll show them everything D.C. has to offer, even if means showing them around the National Harbor construction site!

[Hands trembles while reaching for phone]

[Snyder slaps hand]

NO! MUST BE PRUDENT THIS YEAR! MUST NOT SIGN ERIC MOULDS TO 8-YEAR, $52 MILLION DEAL!

Gotta argue that puppy down to $48 million. After all, I’m a changed man.

“He’s is going to make some lucky CFL team VERY happy. You’ll see!”

The Washington Redskins have decided to cut their losses in the failed Brandon Lloyd experiment. The Skins shelled out a couple draft picks and $10M to land Lloyd a couple years back. While their quarterbackery was sketchy during his stint in DC, the fact remains that BLloyd scored as many touchdowns for the Skins as I did.

While some would call Lloyd a woeful bust (and lazy to boot), in Unsilent Majority’s world he was a delicate flower, who never got the respect he was so richly due. A fact that Maj was often reminding of us of in the daily email threads. (“If they don’t throw to him then what’s he supposed to do?” * ) While the rest of us grudgingly admire Maj’s pie-eyed enthusiasm– and even tacitly endorse Lloyd’s Aikman-baiting, if we never hear his name again it will be too soon.

*- He really said it; I shit you not.

I stand before you, a broken fan. If you’re looking for some sort of explanation then your ass is as lost as mine. We focus on the funny around here, but right now I’m just tired. I’m tired of reading about Jim Zorn’s level of experience, I’m tired of thinking about ways to maim Vinny Cerrato (I’m leaning towards Ling Chi, not to be confused with Lin Chi Ling), but mostly I’m tired of picturing Danny’s smug sense of self-worth.

OK, that was pretty damn funny. I guess I’m ready to delve into this debacle.

Jim Zorn? Really? The guy must have designed and implemented one hell of an offense in the past two weeks. Never mind the fact that he’s making the jump from Holmgren’s quarterbacks coach to the head coach of a playoff team despite never even handling the duties of a play caller.

No, wait. Let’s mind that fact for a little bit…

This prick may be the greatest guy to ever live (think “Hitler in Bizzaro World”) but he’s never done anything. Being an offensive assistant under Holmgren in the early nineties might have meant something, but now the fatass does everything himself.

League sources tell us that Holmgren’s assistants have been relegated to duties such as combing plankton out of the coach’s beard and collecting his discarded ambergris. Hell, Holmgren guards his play sheet even more closely than his family’s secret recipe for salt pork (take one pig, salt to taste… serves one). And now this assistant is supposed to take the reigns of our entire franchise? That guy must have been coaching the shit out of Seneca Wallace behind closed doors.

…

You know what Danny? I’m done.

No, I’m not done being a fan, that could never happen (but stop testing me, asshole). What I’m done with is you, Mr. Snyder. So that means I won’t be purchasing any more of Fed Ex Field’s $8 Miller Lites or $12 shots of Grand Marnier. Moreover, I’m done with all of your precious “licensed” merchandise. If I want a jersey I’ll buy one, but I’ll be damned if your seeing one damn penny of my flawless $35 Mitchell & Ness Doug Williams knock-off. Oh, and as for the rest of your business ventures…

And as for you Mr. Zorn, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt for now… but watch your damn step. Redskins fans get pissed enough when you confuse the colors burgundy and maroon, but confusing gold for black? I’m already worried that you’re taking Mark Shapiro’s retard pills.

The combine can’t get here quickly enough.

photoshop via Thighs Wide Shut who got it from somewhere else. Here perhaps?