APE RETURNS TO DISCREDIT WAPO SOME MORE! Who says you can’t go home again? Answer: It was Tom Wolfe and he was right. But he never said you couldn’t briefly return to be the subject of a guest post in a home that you were unfairly ejected from! In advance of the Steelers-’Skins preseason game Saturday in Raljon, Dan Steinberg quizzes me on the differences between Redskins and Stillers fans. And, man, there are so many. ‘Cause Steelers fans chant like this [does obnoxious chant] but Redskins fans chant like this [does slightly different obnoxious chant]. Also, we don’t have to hate our owner. Advantage: Picksburgh!

I’m off the internet for four days and the Redskins trade for Jason Taylor. How the hell does that happen?

Well apparently all it took was a second rounder in next year’s draft, a sixth rounder in the subsequent draft, and a special song dedicated to Jason by the one and only Zorn Star.

We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance
Well they’re no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance
Dance!

We can go when we want to
The night is young and so am I
And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet
And surprise ‘em with the victory cry
Say, we can act if want to
If we don’t nobody will
And you can act real rude and totally removed
And I can act like an imbecile

I say, we can dance, we can dance
Everything out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We’re doing it from wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody takin’ the cha-a-a-ance

We can dance if we want to
We’ve got all your life and mine (Ed. Note: 2 years)
As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it
Everything’ll work out right
I say, we can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance
Well they’re no friends of mine

I’m really sorry for doing this.

Ah, YouTube… savior of the lazy blogger. This one has something for everyone. Funky Stevie Wonder knockoff soundtrack, plenty o’gratuitous T & A, and a walrus in a John Riggins jersey….

The rest of the gay mafia went out for mannies and peddies. Looks like you are stuck with flub today, kids.

Oh man. Did you get a look at that contract that Al Davis gave Javon Walker? Six years for $55 million. Ooooh yeah, I bet that felt good. Those days are behind me though. I’m staying clean this year.

But, but, I can’t be content with just hiking ticket prices, concession prices, parking prices and authentic official Redskins Sean Taylor grieving towel prices. I have to put the Snyder imprint on this off-season, with a blockbuster bank-breaking signing that will get woefully optimistic ‘Skins fans expecting 13 wins next season.

[Hyperventilating]

Everybody says I have to be more disciplined this year. We don’t have the cap room. I don’t want the Thetans.

[Grabs newspaper]

Six years, $42 million for Shaun Rogers? With $20 million guaranteed? No fucking way. What are you trying to do to me? Jerry Porter for $30 million? Madieu Williams for $33 million?

BERNARD FUCKING BERRIAN FOR $42 MILLION POTOMAC TREE CHOPPING DOLLARS!?

Aaaahhhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhhhh AAAAAAHHHHH AAAAAHHHH

I gotta do it. Get the jet. Get the checkbook. Get a couple bullshit Wizards tickets ready. We’ll show them everything D.C. has to offer, even if means showing them around the National Harbor construction site!

[Hands trembles while reaching for phone]

[Snyder slaps hand]

NO! MUST BE PRUDENT THIS YEAR! MUST NOT SIGN ERIC MOULDS TO 8-YEAR, $52 MILLION DEAL!

Gotta argue that puppy down to $48 million. After all, I’m a changed man.

“He’s is going to make some lucky CFL team VERY happy. You’ll see!”

The Washington Redskins have decided to cut their losses in the failed Brandon Lloyd experiment. The Skins shelled out a couple draft picks and $10M to land Lloyd a couple years back. While their quarterbackery was sketchy during his stint in DC, the fact remains that BLloyd scored as many touchdowns for the Skins as I did.

While some would call Lloyd a woeful bust (and lazy to boot), in Unsilent Majority’s world he was a delicate flower, who never got the respect he was so richly due. A fact that Maj was often reminding of us of in the daily email threads. (“If they don’t throw to him then what’s he supposed to do?” * ) While the rest of us grudgingly admire Maj’s pie-eyed enthusiasm– and even tacitly endorse Lloyd’s Aikman-baiting, if we never hear his name again it will be too soon.

*- He really said it; I shit you not.

I stand before you, a broken fan. If you’re looking for some sort of explanation then your ass is as lost as mine. We focus on the funny around here, but right now I’m just tired. I’m tired of reading about Jim Zorn’s level of experience, I’m tired of thinking about ways to maim Vinny Cerrato (I’m leaning towards Ling Chi, not to be confused with Lin Chi Ling), but mostly I’m tired of picturing Danny’s smug sense of self-worth.

OK, that was pretty damn funny. I guess I’m ready to delve into this debacle.

Jim Zorn? Really? The guy must have designed and implemented one hell of an offense in the past two weeks. Never mind the fact that he’s making the jump from Holmgren’s quarterbacks coach to the head coach of a playoff team despite never even handling the duties of a play caller.

No, wait. Let’s mind that fact for a little bit…

This prick may be the greatest guy to ever live (think “Hitler in Bizzaro World”) but he’s never done anything. Being an offensive assistant under Holmgren in the early nineties might have meant something, but now the fatass does everything himself.

League sources tell us that Holmgren’s assistants have been relegated to duties such as combing plankton out of the coach’s beard and collecting his discarded ambergris. Hell, Holmgren guards his play sheet even more closely than his family’s secret recipe for salt pork (take one pig, salt to taste… serves one). And now this assistant is supposed to take the reigns of our entire franchise? That guy must have been coaching the shit out of Seneca Wallace behind closed doors.

…

You know what Danny? I’m done.

No, I’m not done being a fan, that could never happen (but stop testing me, asshole). What I’m done with is you, Mr. Snyder. So that means I won’t be purchasing any more of Fed Ex Field’s $8 Miller Lites or $12 shots of Grand Marnier. Moreover, I’m done with all of your precious “licensed” merchandise. If I want a jersey I’ll buy one, but I’ll be damned if your seeing one damn penny of my flawless $35 Mitchell & Ness Doug Williams knock-off. Oh, and as for the rest of your business ventures…

And as for you Mr. Zorn, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt for now… but watch your damn step. Redskins fans get pissed enough when you confuse the colors burgundy and maroon, but confusing gold for black? I’m already worried that you’re taking Mark Shapiro’s retard pills.

The combine can’t get here quickly enough.

photoshop via Thighs Wide Shut who got it from somewhere else. Here perhaps?

1. Joe Gibbs announces his retirement leaving the average fan unmoved. The franchise looks to be heading in the right direction and the name Bill Cowher has us cautiously optimistic.

2.We begin to realize that all of Danny’s money can’t lure Cowher, so Gregg Williams becomes the favorite by default.

3. Vinny Cerrato is promoted to “Executive” Vice President of Football Operations. Rumors float that Snyder offered the job to Jim Mora. Meanwhile, Gregg is left twisting in the wind after several interviews and no offer.

4. Jim Fassel’s name emerges as the most likely candidate JIM FASSEL! ARE YOU SHITTING ME? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

If (when) the official announcement is made I’ll be back to try and explain things the best I can. Until then, try not to look any Washington fan directly in the eyes. We’re all feeling a little froggy this week.

I already feel a rant coming on.

Chris Mottram is already loading his gun.

KSK has learned that the Washington Redskins have found their next head coach. We now go live to Ashburn, Virginia where a representative of Dan Snyder is preparing to reveal the identity of the new coach to the assembled media.

Tom: [visibly shaking] Ladies and gentlemen, I am honored and humbled to introduce you to the greatest being that I’ve ever had the pleasure of worshiping. The new Head Coach, Vice President of Football Operations, General Manager, and Spiritual Leader of the Washington Redskins, L. RON HUBBARD! [faints]

L-Ron: [swallows a bottle of pills with a swig of rum] That’s right, it’s me, L. Ron Hubbard, the greatest mind of this, the last, or any future century. After conquering the world through religion and mastering dozens of lesser pursuits I’ve decided to return to public life by conquering the NFC East. There are going to be a lot of changes around here. For starters, I’ve eliminated the threat of squirreling by sending Vinny Cerrato off for some RPF. Additionally, I have replaced Gregg Williams with my associate David Miscavige while I will personally take over the offense from Al Saunders. Both coaches have been sent to an undisclosed location for purifs. I assure you that as leader of the offensive pursuit I will keep Xenu contained within his electric mountain trap.

Tom: Mr. Hubbard will now honor the local media by listening to their questions.

Maske: What was all that about containing Xenu?

L-Ron: Did I say Xenu? I meant the Dallas pass rush.

Arch: What is the nature of your relationship with Mr. Cruise?

L-Ron: He’s a favorite pet of mine. He’s like the Jean Grey to my Christmas Ape, right down to the bite marks.

George: Mr. Hubbard, aren’t you dead?

L-Ron: Aren’t you?

George: Touché. [vanishes]

Steinz: Do you have a favorite gouda?

L-Ron: It’s all gouda with me, my man.

Steinz: That’s it, I love this guy.

Bram: I’m Bram Weinstein!

L-Ron: And we’re all very happy for you.

La Canfora: I’d like to go on record as saying that this is a terrible hire by a pathetic franchise with an incompetent owner.

L-Ron: When’s the last time you had your thetans checked?

La Canfora: What qualifies you for this job?

L-Ron: Hell, I’ve been circling Africa in my boat for nearly twenty-two years surviving on nothing but rum, uppers, downers, moldy wild mushrooms, and the occasional injection in my ass, so I’ve had a lot of time to prepare for this new turn in my life.

La Canfora: That’s all well and good, but how does that make you any more competent than Joe Gibbs?

L-Ron: I can assure you of my success because I have already discovered it within myself. If that doesn’t satisfy your readers than I’m not sure what kind of simpletons are reading Redskins Insider.

La Canfora: You have no idea.

Thom: Thom Loverro, Washington Ti … [inaudible squeaking] … [dogs howling in the distance]

Howard: Why does everybody at ESPN think I’m gay?

Andy: Why aren’t I more popular?

Maske: Ex-

L-Ron: HEY! Let’s get the focus back up on me where it belongs.

Tony: [exasperated] What am I doing here? I haven’t been to a press conference since the first Bush/Gibbs administration! Can somebody push back my reservation at the Palm? Ask for Tommy!

Maske: Excuse me Mr. Hubbard I have an important ques-

Wilbon: Is this being televised? [into cellphone] Wanda, I don’t see any cameras here!

Wise: You guys all need to mellow out. Back in Hawaii things were so much more chill.

Czabe (via text): Do you think it would be better for the team if you were to step aside?

Les: WHO WANTS A PIECE OF THE CARP?!

L-Ron: [whispering to Tom Cruise] These guys are fuckin’ daffy!

Tom: [shouting to L-Ron] How many more levels do I have to buy my way through before I get to touch you?!

Jim Vance: Ain’t this some shit?

Praise be! The Lord’s favored football disciples are rewarded by being on winning teams. Tony Dungy’s Colts are 4-0, Shaun Alexander’s C-Hox are 3-1, and facing off this week are Jon Kitna’s surprising 3-1 Lions and Joe Gibbs’ 2-1 godless sun worshipers. Of course, God’s linebacker, Ray Lewis, is holding everybody back with the Ravens’ disappointing 2-2 start, but he’s been known to stray from time to time, anyway. Jesus’ love is on the line. WHO YA GOT?

Red-headed long-snapper Ethan Albright is known around the locker room as “Red Snapper” because of his stanky vagina.

Albright’s head weighs more than Marcus Mason.

Dan Snyder keeps hiring away the most expensive Scientology coaches but he can’t get past OT II.

Chief Zee is immortal, he just doesn’t know it yet.

Jason Campbell and Chris Cooley have appeared in over three hundred adult features under the pen(is) names Herb Organ and Jim Holeman respectively. Neither is affiliated with the car dealers of similar names.

Mark Brunell got the Redskins playbook on audio tape, but it was narrated by Gilbert Godfried so he just said “fuck it.”

Dan Snyder is training a team of assassins to take out Steve Czaban once and for all. I didn’t want to get involved, but it’s so hard to find good hash in DC.

When Ade Jimoh gets cut an angel gets its wings.

H.B. Blades is the son of Bennie Blades who won his name in a card game from a triple amputee.

Clinton Portis’ new character, “Goosey McTaint” is a registered sex offender and a snuggly lover.

Sean Taylor and LaRon Landry spent the summer winning the WWF’s (World Wildlife Foundation) tag team titles after dispatching of a pair of adolescent kodiak bears.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.