At long last, New York and Boston gets to settle an overblown regional rivalry through the medium of professional sports. It must be very cathartic to finally get that opportunity.

Did you know that Week 9 against the Giants was the last game that the Patriots lost?

Were you aware that that very game ended with Eli Manning throwing a touchdown pass to Jake Ballard, who wears the same jersey number that David Tyree wore as a Giant? A David Tyree who made a Giant Snatch, which was the Official Bill Simmons These Are My Readers Most Luckiest Leg Sweep In Rocky IV History?

These will be IMPORTANT COINCIDENCES used to create an extra sense of drama for a game that doesn’t really need it, but you’ll be bombarded with them nonetheless. But it’s the Super Bowl. If it weren’t these, it’ve been something about Jack Harbaugh whipping both of his sons with the sticks that correspond to the colors of the teams they now coach.

Kyle Williams won’t be in the Super Bowl, however, as he is the worst and people who are the worst don’t get to be in the Super Bowl. Unless they happen to sign as a backup for a good team, a la Leinart in 2008. Good luck with that, Kyle.

It was a pretty fantastic day of football overall. Alex Smith did some reverting to the “We Want Carr” Alex Smith of old as the game wore on and Eli Manning got the bejesus beaten out of him, but showed remarkable toughness for a man-child who typically displays anything but.

Hopefully the Giants will get to apply one of those shots to Dreamboat before the entire New York cut down on the field by a American flag draped Goodell firing squad. Meanwhile, Niners fans seem pretty angry about the Bradshaw fumble being blown dead late in the 4th quarter, but his forward progress was stopped on the play, so live with it. We’re moving onto our sports championship sequel, which Simmons will rank far ahead of other Super Bowl sequels like Cowboys-Bills, Steelers-Cowboys and 49ers-Bengals because those teams aren’t really movie stars.

Oh, and Coughlin brushing off Eli as Manning was furiously yelling that the playclock was running out just as the Giants were about to attempt the game-winning field goal was my favorite thing of the day, except for the whole Lee Evans/Cundiff sequence from the first game, which I’ll have on loop the entire week and maybe also forever and ever.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA BALTIMORE GATORADE BATHS FOR ALL HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF

/hater

This game broke Twitter and for good reason. It was truly awesome. Flacco outplayed Brady and still lost. The ultimate Troll Genius move. Ray Lewis played like dogsh*t and got owned by Nate Solder all game. Lee Evans dropped a game-winning touchdown in the end zone. Bernard Pollard hurt Gronk, even if he couldn’t take him out entirely. Bill Belichick make a host of terrible decisions but still came away with a victory. Best of all, Billy Vanderjagt Cuntwhiff earned my undying love for always.

Flacco may have played above to the lowly expectations he placed on himself, at least after a dormant first quarter, but he missed Torrey Smith on two deep throws. On another where he connected deep with the benefit of blown coverage, he underthrew Smith badly enough to prevent what would have been a touchdown if the pass hit anywhere close to in stride. Then there’s another red zone possession where Vonta Leach could have walked in for a TD but Flacco opted to not check down for the first time in his life and failed. Just something to keep in mind when hear about how Flacco “should” have come away with a win.

Flacco’s bitchy tongue-and-cheek comments this week about the Ravens winning despite his mediocre play was awfully prophetic. Being bailed out by one-handed catches by Lee Evans and Anquan Boldin saved him from an unbroken 60 minutes of ineptitude. Nevertheless, T.J. Yates proved somehow to be the lesser. What did the Ravens do to win today except have fumbles bounce their way? They played some good centerfield on Yates INTs, perhaps.

Even leastiest was Jacoby Jones, who basically gave the Ravens the win with a fumble on his punt return attempt in the first quarter that set Baltimore up for an easy score. Jones fared almost as bad on subsequent returns, running sideway and not gaining any yards despite having 10 yards of open space.

Dare I say I actually feel for Wade Phillips? Florence Tubbingale earned it today, so toss the man a 20-piece bucket already.

Fake mustaches are the equivalent of breast implants for Baltimore women.

Not sure what Reedfense is, but my guess is that it’s not so much a word as it is a cry for help. Whatever it is, it probably won’t be around next week when the Ravens travel to Foxboro. That’s a shame. But I’m sure slow-ass Ray Lewis can cover Gronkowski and Hernandez just as well.

Just curious – after all the seemingly benign stuff we’ve seen flagged this year, how is running 30 yards to the stands after an INT not excessive celebration?

It wasn’t quite the dramatic collapse that made the first meeting between the Giants and the Cowboys so memorably hilarious, but Dallas failed to fall on enough giftwrapped New York fumbles that I barely minded. Romo’s swollen purple sausage fingers threatened to make a game of it in the second half, but Dallas did as Dallas does, which is derp so Dallas-y. The 4th and 1 attempt where the Cowboys rushed to the line to catch the Giants defense off guard only to get stuffed, leaving Romo to spring up pathetically screaming at the referees about the spot? Magnifique.

Amazing too was this, the most Romo of all things. Were there a dictionary that supported GIFs, that would be awesome if somewhat impractical. It’s a hoary cliche to suggest images belong with the definition to certain terms, but let me get all hoary cliche on you because this near desperation fumble ruled as a sack is Romo to all get-out.

[Watches on loop until I lose my job and have my power cut]

NBC felt it necessary to include a swatch of salsa music to coincide immediately with a Victor Cruz touchdown. It makes sense because Cruz whips out the salsa dance with each score and because NBC Sports’ stock in trade is being the worst whenever possible. That NBC had the music ready, not for a slow motion replay going into commercial, but the actual live dance, is a level of contempt for your audience I’m not capable of processing.

Laurent Robinson mocked the salsa following the Cowboys’ second score, but it apparently wasn’t impressive enough for NBC to package it with Savio Vega’s theme music.

Come-Get-Some, Atlanta will in the early game next Sunday. That and the Steelers-Tebow Time tilt will be the two games getting the KSK live blogification treatment in the Wild Card round, seeing as how I work Saturdays and have little other choice. Not that I really to be glued to my computer for the Bengals-Texans mess and the Saints’ inevitable blowout of the Lions.

If you want to be technical about it, this screencap of an anguished Jerry Jones grandson was taken just before Bailey’s second and non-iced kicked was blocked, but I feel it encapsulates the tenor of the shitheel Double J luxury box throughout the duration of the Cowboys finding a way to blow yet another huge primetime game in hilarious fashion.

Ah, so very satisfying. THE CURSE OF THE LIVE BLOG IS OVER!!!!!!

“Hmm. Yes. A squandering of an advantageous position does make one parched, does it not? My options inasmuch as liquid refreshment are limited. I supposed I must partake of this commoner sugar water. Oh, how it offends the taste buds with its coarse aggression for immediate register. Let me sluice it down my gullet such a way that it destroys as little of my precious pallet as possible. Careful now, wakeful hand.”

Did you know that Ray Lewis is America? It true. He embodies the best and worst within us all. Look at the way he hams it up during the anthem. That’s so goddamn American, whether he’s doing it out of pure patriotism or whether affecting said patriotism will make him seem more virtuous to people who need to view Ray Lewis as virtuous despite all that bad stuff he did. It doesn’t matter. Just freeze dry it, add a ton of sodium and sell it for $3 at Wal-Mart next to TGI Friday’s home dinners. Serves America.

Did you know that Ray Lewis calls his team’s offensive plays? It’s true. Cris Collinsworth said so. He’s become so bored with simply being a superstar linebacker that the Ravens have ceded play-calling duties to him. Why not? Cam Cameron sucks anyway. Those bombs to Torrey Smith the other week? All Ray-Ray. He also adopted a daring attack that would prevail despite Joe Flacco not completing a pass in either the second or third quarters. HE’S JUST TOYING WITH US NOW!

And Nacho is Mexico, clearly. You can see it right there on his mouth piece. He is a simple hard-working unskilled laborer who will grind himself to the bone doing the job that no one in the world wants to do (Jets quarterback). But that’s not enough to beat America. No, not yet. Not until he can breed himself into the majority (your teenage daughter).

Congrats on the Collinsworth-decreed SIGNATURE VICTORY for Matt Ryan, who benefited from sparsely mentioned quarterback Michael Vick getting injured, not to mention being bailed out consistently by the presumed dead naked vegan activist tight end Tony Gonzalez. Speaking of Gonzo, did you know he enjoys massively popular, but outdated blockbuster comedies? Just like us!

The Eagles very nearly pulled off the victory, despite having the aforementioned Vick leave while spitting up blood and other viscera. And seeing another receiver get destroyed by Dunta Robinson in a way that is sure to get the Falcons DB banned by the league, rolled into a carpet and shoved up Jerry Richardson’s asshole. In the end, future Eagles trade bait Mike Kafka played ably in defeat and, to his credit, was let down on the decisive 4th down play by the otherwise excellent Jeremy Maclin, the recipient of the latest Dunta brutality masterpiece. Falcons fans, meanwhile, were split on the matter of Vick getting hurt.

Some were like

Others were like

And still others did this for hours on end

But I think we can all agree, no matter your feelings on Vick or whatever team you root for, that it was fun to watch Brent Celek go from braying braggart to lifeless vessel in less than four seconds. HA HA, LOOGIT HIM DROP!

A few things we learned this evening:

The amount we missed this game is indeed proportionate to its capacity for wonderment.

Tiny Darren is vastly superior to Reggie Bush.

The abbreviated training camp might have had an adverse effect of the quality of tackling in the early going of the season.

Only you – yes, you – know for sure what the Saints should have done on their failed 4th down attempts.

Between Fairy Deion flacking for DirecTV and oddly miniature Coors Light-shilling Herm Edwards, tiny football pundits will sell us all the products we’d rather live without.

The new kickoff rule will lead to an unfortunate overabundance of touchbacks, but that doesn’t mean excitement will be expunged entirely from kickoff returns.

Ring hats were okay until it seemed likely that fans of every championship team were going to get them.

We abandoned the the Friday Five based on your overwhelming desire to see scantily clad women you could easily find on a Google image search, but because we are loath to abandon established ideas, here are five things we enjoyed about the Sunday that was. There would be more, but the NFL slunk away from an easy victory in the ratings over Game 4 over the World Series because, who knows? We’re too busy trying to figure out if Miles “Baraka” Austin is actually a white guy.

1. Gus Johnson saying Chris Johnson ran “like he was being chased by the cops” after his 52-yard TD scamper against the Jags in the 3rd quarter.

2. Ravens fans carping about the refs even when they’re winning. Not that complaining about the officiating isn’t a constant state of being for Ravens fans.

3. Brittfar’s coquettish wink at the Brittfar Cam because Brittfar must be accepting of all the Brittfar love that the media must lavish reflexively on Brittfar

4. Joe Flacco’s triple salchow into a sack. The Steelers judge gives it a 2.0.

5. St. Louis trickeration to defeat the Detroit Lions in order to avoid becoming the next Detroit Lions.

Because those of us who root for teams that don’t sign Favre in a desperate and misguided attempt at getting a title never have our feelings conflicted. We can still delight in all his failings, especially when they finally surface against our (my) favorite team

MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

/gets Mastodon and Queens of the Stone Age to disband only to ruin Drew’s day further

//includes consolation photo of Vikings jersey customized with the Peterson nickname Drew coined

Airbrushed motorcycles with Scarface and Steelers themes. Only available on display outside Jerome Bettis’ bar and in every exurban shopping mall food court in the country.

And of all the lazy name plate replacements I’ve seen on mid-’90s pre-Steelers-uniform-design Kordell Stewart jerseys, this one is at least among the top 10 most generic.