And so it is: the 10 most handsome quarterbacks in the league, as determined by something as arbitrary as facial symmetry (and probably also fellatio prowess). This criterion, of course, was expressly put in place to exclude Tarvarington.

Many will be surprised that Dreamboat does not top this list, and indeed, I find it curious and disturbing that Ben Roethlisberger is rated sixth, for no other reason than I enjoy the latent homoeroticism that underpins Pats fans bragging about how attractive Brady is and how many models he bangs. Personally, I’m perfectly cool with my team’s quarterback being a big, dumb lummox who wins games and then beds (BUT DOESN’T RAPE!) ugly cowboy broads in Reno.

Also, Marmalard’s inclusion on the list stems from the equal intensity of the lasers on both sides of his face. WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I’M HOT!

Full list after the jump.

Player, Team ______ Symmetry Rating
Matt Ryan _________ 99.82%
Brett Favre _________ 99.78%
Aaron Rodgers _______ 99.59%
Matt Hasselbeck ______ 99.56%
Kerry Collins _______ 99.49%
Ben Roethlisberger _____ 99.43%
Shaun Hill __________ 99.35%
Tom Brady __________ 99.14%
Philip Rivers __________ 99.04%
Kurt Warner __________ 98.98%

It is with heavy hearts that we bid farewell to Brady Quinn for the rest of the season. Cleveland’s quarterback has a broken index finger, an injury that’s been exacerbated by Quinn’s insistence on using said finger to stimulate his own prostate. Truly, a sad day for football fans everywhere.

Until next year, enjoy some “classic” Quinn.

Hi, I’m Brady Quinn, the new starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Now I may not be a Californian, but I’m here today to encourage you gay-loving liberals to come to your senses and vote Yes on Proposition 8.

Oh my god Tim, get your hands out of my pants, I’m trying to talk to the people here!

As I was saying, gay rights aren’t important, otherwise Jesus would have written a chapter about them in the Bible.

Seriously Tim, you can play with my balls all you want after I’m done.

Now if you want to be gay that’s your own business, but you guys should really keep in behind closed doors. You know, like inside of a closet.

Tim: Or out on a lake!

I swear to God, Tim, if you don’t shut up there won’t be any reacharound for you later.

So when you’re out there voting for President McCain today, be sure to vote Yes on Prop 8 to keep the sanctity of the heterosexual marriage pure.

Now Tim would you please assist me with this dutch rudder?

The call at 2:35 a.m. came from Seth Harris, who reported that he encountered the group in front of La Fogata Grill at 790 North High St. The Mexican restaurant is next door to the Union Cafe Bar + Food, one of Columbus’ most popular gay bars in the gay-friendly Short North neighborhood.

On the 9-1-1 call, Harris said that “Brady Quinn from the Browns” was “trying to cause a fight.” Harris told the operator, “I just walked outside and he exchanged many profanities with me and called me a faggot, of course.”

Reached Monday by The Plain Dealer, Harris confirmed that Quinn was the person who used the slur.

“I knew who it was,” he said. “It wasn’t just directed at me, there were other people around, too.”

Is it possible that he was merely extolling the virtues of La Fogata Grill’s selection of sausage, cucumber, and other phallic edibles?

Probably not.

It takes a real big man to round up some friends, head down to the gay neighborhood, and talk shit to a bunch of stylists. Hey Brady, the gay population of Columbus has enough problems (living in Ohio, for example) without you projecting on them.

]]> http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/01/manning-family-gets-double-stuffed-eli.html/feed 19 http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/ksk-kickoff-bukkake-nfl-family-circus_1592.html http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/ksk-kickoff-bukkake-nfl-family-circus_1592.html#comments Thu, 06 Sep 2007 20:23:00 +0000 Unsilent Majority http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/09/ksk-kickoff-bukkake-nfl-family-circus-7.html

Thus far, the KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $400 for disabled veterans and their families. Not bad for a piddly shit site like ours. You can donate directly to FH here.

These photos are not to be underestimated. GQ is the magazine that gave us Tom Brady hugging an adorable baby goat, which we bloggers appreciate, as years of goat-fucking jokes have helped us cope with Dreamboat’s three Super Bowl rings and model-banging ways.

So, with Dreamgoat as our benchmark, let’s take a look at the photos and see which ones will stand the comedic test of time.

Oh, Brady Quinn. It’s not his fault he’s this good-looking, you know. Here he evokes the classic brooding handsomeness of James Dean. Sadly, despite Cleveland’s offensive line, football protective equipment is too effective for us to realistically expect a tragically premature death.

Am I the only one not sold on JaMarcus Russell? Here he is walking away from the jet he couldn’t buy because he hasn’t signed a contract yet. This picture won’t be truly funny unless Russell is a colossal bust and ends up a pauper. And given the state of the Raiders, I like those odds.

Cowboy Tony Romo as a cowboy. This photo actually wasn’t set up by GQ; Romo is a ranch hand in the offseason in order to maintain credibility with girlfriend/country star Carrie Whoever. It’s also the best job a degree from Eastern Illinois can get you, unless you actually want to be a high school music teacher in Nauvoo.

Matt Leinart lounging at the pool with a hot chick? It’s a little hard to believe, but I guess I can go along with it. Here’s part of Leinart’s interview with the magazine:

GQ: Okay, what’s the biggest perk of your job? And don’t be like, “I get to play in the NFL.”
Leinart: Well, you get a lot of free stuff. You get free clothes, and you get people who want to give you free suits.

GQ: Okay, but your suits are too big on you.
Leinart: You’re crazy.

GQ: I’m crazy? I work at GQ.
Leinart: No, you’re right. I’ll take your advice on that.

I love the way Leinart comes off as an easily swayed simpleton. It’s part of his charm, I’m sure.

Ben.

Ben, Ben, Ben.

Somehow I’m not buying into the smooth film noir private investigator image. Is it the drunk photos all over the Internet? Is it the Miami of Ohio background? The helmetless motorcycle crash? The too-carefully-groomed goatee? The organ failure? Yes. All of that. Plus I think this (surprisingly) not Photoshopped picture more accurately portrays the man who steers the Black and Gold:

I choose to disagree with your shirt, sir.

(Thanks for putting up with all the gayness in the post. Here’s a cheerleader for your patience. Her name is Keela Harris, and it’s best if you not try to figure out if her head has been superimposed on the picture.)

There’s nothing more I can say, just enjoy.

God bless you Brady Quinn, you make life more fun.

UPDATE: The delightful Brian Cook of The AOL Fanhouse FanHouse drops the knowledge on Brady’s bearded buddy, one Ryan Tucker formerly of some shitty Catholic school in Indiana frog school in North Mexico.

Who wants action tonight? Satisfaction all night?

Instead of making love, they both made their separate gays.

Looks like Brady enjoys riding something else besides the wind.

Bret, don’t give up an inch if you won’t take him for the mile.

Lose big, mama’s fallen angel.

You gotta cry gay.

You see I pulled into a drive-in and I found a place to park
Brady hopped into the backseat where it’s always nice and dark
I’m just about to move thinkin’ “Bret, this is a breeze”
Then there’s a light in my eye and a guy says “Out of the car, long hair!”
And then Brady said, “But I cut my hair just for you, Mr. Theismann!!!!”

Huge HT to Mondesi’s House for the pic. Those gents run a fine establishment, and I urge you to visit.

On a serious note, I am now really, geniunely rooting for Brady Quinn to be a successful pro. The big galoot has made this offseason 75% more tolerable. I’d hate to see him be the first athlete to ever have his confidence completely destroyed by the Internet. That would make me feel bad. It’s no crime to be a little goofy. On the contrary, it’s quite endearing. Prove the haters wrong, Brady. You can do it, you big gay man!

BRONZE
Chamomiles Davis said…
“Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft?”

SILVER
Awful Chief said…
A reach pick for the Browns

GOLD
SMP said…
Mind if I play through (the thin, soft, pliable cotton fabric)?

Lotta gayness in those pics. Here’s a cheerleader to make up for it. Enjoy the weekend, kids.