CINCINNATI BENGALS WAR ROOM, two days ago

COACH LEWIS: Alright everyone, the draft’s about to start. We have the ninth pick overall. We’ve done a lot of research, and now it’s time for the payoff.

MIKE BROWN: What’s the latest on Chad, Coach? Are we getting good offers for him?

COACH LEWIS: We’re not trading him. Period. End of story.

MIKE BROWN: But what if we get the right offer for him?

COACH LEWIS: There have been no good offers for Chad. Period. End of story. [sips milkshake]

MIKE BROWN: Hey, wait a second. Where’d you get that milkshake?

COACH LEWIS: UDF. Why?

MIKE BROWN: No, I mean, who paid for it?

COACH LEWIS: Uhh, I expensed it.

MIKE BROWN: That means I paid for it. This is just the kind of thing that can ruin a franchise, Marvin.

COACH LEWIS: Really, I thought it might take something more drastic, like, oh I don’t know, your entire tenure as general manager.

MIKE BROWN: Lout!

COACH LEWIS: Honky! I oughta –

[door flies open]

THE DANIEL: Good afternoon, Mr. Lewis.

MIKE BROWN: This is a restricted area, sir. You’ll have to leave.

COACH LEWIS: Hang on, Mike. I’m running this draft. How can I help you, sir?

THE DANIEL: Gentlemen… I’ve traveled over half your state to be here today. I couldn’t get away sooner because my luxury suites were being renovated and I had to see about it. Those suites are now flowing at two hundred thousand dollars each and it’s paying me an income of five million dollars a week. So, ladies and gentlemen… if I say I’m a football man, you will agree.

COACH LEWIS: I don’t agree.

THE DANIEL: Shut up. You have a great chance here, but bear in mind, you can lose it all if you’re not careful. Out of all men that beg for a chance to take your wide receiver, maybe one in twenty will be football men; the rest will be speculators-men trying to get between you and your property-to get some of the money that ought by rights come to you. This is the way this works. I’m a family man- I run a family business. My name is Daniel Snyder. This is my son and my partner, H.W. Snyder.

H.W.: Hola.

COACH LEWIS: What is your offer? We’re wasting time.

THE DANIEL: I can offer you a first-round pick with a conditional third-round pick. If Chad has a successful season, we can upgrade that latter choice to a second-round, or even first round selection. If you’d like cash in addition to those two selections, then that’s fine.

MIKE BROWN: Two first-round picks AND CASH?!?! That’s pretty good.

COACH LEWIS: Chad Johnson is not for sale. Period. End of story.

THE DANIEL: I can guarantee to sign the deal today and put up the cash to back my word. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won’t be there…

MIKE BROWN: [pulls Coach Lewis aside] Marvin, you have to take this deal. This is a great deal. I know because I know a lot about running a football team!

COACH LEWIS: We’re not trading him. Period. End of story.

THE DANIEL: Ah, you drive a hard bargain, Mr. Lewis. Let me sweeten the deal. I’ll throw in with my original deal, four alpacas and a year’s subscription to seventeen magazine.

COACH LEWIS: We’re not trading Chad. Period. End of story.

THE DANIEL: I’ll throw in 5 links of sausage and a harpoon gun.

COACH LEWIS: No.

THE DANIEL: Six bottles of whiskey and a my old Animal House DVD, along with my bootleg copy of Cumming Into Money Part 4. It’s bank robbery porn.

COACH LEWIS: No. Now please leave. We’re about to start the draft. [picks up milkshake, but it's empty] Hey, what happened to–

THE DANIEL: I DRANK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRANK IT UP!

MIKE BROWN: Hey, where’s your son?

THE DANIEL: I’VE ABANDONED MY CHILD! I’VE ABANDONED MY CHILD!

COACH LEWIS: [picks up phone] Can we get security in here, please?

MIKE BROWN: You should really keep an eye on your son.

THE DANIEL: DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY FAMILY! [runs out]

COACH LEWIS: You know, we could have used a couple good alpacas.

MIKE BROWN: Call him back if you want. Collect, of course.

Sean Salisbury’s days at ESPN have come to an end. Tonight, the world mourns….

…I’m drunk.

We, the gimlet-eyed writers of KSK, are not without our analytical side. What is going on in the shittier cities in Florida is not going unnoticed. Indeed, we find it behooves us to deliver the shocking truth:

They are hording mediocre quarterbacks.

Florida, of course, is a bizarre state, a silly place. Why else would fark.com and every car that cuts me off on the Beltway have Florida tags? Coincidence? Surely it is not.

Tampa Bay was first to start the proliferation. Garcia, Simms, Plummer, Gradkowski, probably another Bush brother in there somewhere. It’s a sly plot to engender gay jokes and maybe draw a litte attention to a team that’s bound to vie with the Vikings for the NFC cellar.

End of story? Was the Anschluss the end of the story?

It appears Jacksonville is content no longer just to be the bearer of a soigne head coach, whose hints of professionalism belie the 45 minutes of fervent masturbation in his Tercel before gametime. Now they want a bunch of quarterbacks who break down a quarter of the way through the season. And not even Donovan McNabb.

What’s most disturbing is that none of the players on the roster seem to give a damn. Certainly some more sinister motive beyond winning nine or 10 games and narrowly missing the playoffs is at work here.

If Anthony Wright shows up next, you’ll know we were onto something.