Did you know that Ray Lewis is America? It true. He embodies the best and worst within us all. Look at the way he hams it up during the anthem. That’s so goddamn American, whether he’s doing it out of pure patriotism or whether affecting said patriotism will make him seem more virtuous to people who need to view Ray Lewis as virtuous despite all that bad stuff he did. It doesn’t matter. Just freeze dry it, add a ton of sodium and sell it for $3 at Wal-Mart next to TGI Friday’s home dinners. Serves America.

Did you know that Ray Lewis calls his team’s offensive plays? It’s true. Cris Collinsworth said so. He’s become so bored with simply being a superstar linebacker that the Ravens have ceded play-calling duties to him. Why not? Cam Cameron sucks anyway. Those bombs to Torrey Smith the other week? All Ray-Ray. He also adopted a daring attack that would prevail despite Joe Flacco not completing a pass in either the second or third quarters. HE’S JUST TOYING WITH US NOW!

And Nacho is Mexico, clearly. You can see it right there on his mouth piece. He is a simple hard-working unskilled laborer who will grind himself to the bone doing the job that no one in the world wants to do (Jets quarterback). But that’s not enough to beat America. No, not yet. Not until he can breed himself into the majority (your teenage daughter).

Donte Stallworth: I would like to take the opportunity to thank Commissioner Goodell for reinstating me into the league following my one-year suspension. Even though that had been his prescribed punishment all along, I would like to think that I have demonstrated that I again ready and deserving of the right to play in the NFL. And thanks to the Baltimore Ravens for deciding to grant me another chance to play the game that I love and that is my life. It’s been a struggle dealing with the consequences of what happened. I can never fully undo the mistake that I made, but I can hope to lead the rest of my life honorably and admirably. And I hope I repay the faith the Ravens have shown me.

Agent: We’re gonna open up for questions, but Donte only has time for a few, so if you can keep them brief, please do so.

[Statute of limitations flies shut]

[Ray Lewis appears, looks for cameras before beginning to speak]

Ray Lewis: DONTE STALLWORTH, I AM WILL BE YA LIGHT! I WILL BE YA SHEPHERD! WOOOOOOO, BABY, YEAAAHHHHHH! THE LAWD PREACHES FORGIVENESS AND RAY-RAY PRACTICES WHAT HE PREACH!

[Spastic dance for 30 seconds]

Donte Stallworth: Oh hey, Ray. I look forward to -

Ray Lewis: NO SPEAKING! RAY HASN’T HYMNED YET!

[Ray recites a hymn]

Ray Lewis: THERE YOU GO! NOW YOU SPEAK!

Donte Stallworth: I, uh, I look forward to playing with you.

Ray Lewis: Shit yeah, you do. But Ray ain’t looking forward to playing with you. Not yet he ain’t. Not ’til you gone through Ray-Ray image rehab. In a few easy steps, I will change you from a man with a checkered past to an overhyped leader whose faults the media goes out of its way to ignore!

Donte Stallworth: Thanks, I…

Ray Lewis: NO TALKING! RAY IS STILL LEADING YOU!

First item of business, you see someone, you hand them a Bible. Before they even get a chance to speak, there had better damn sure be a Bible in their hand. This establishes you as a Man of God.

[Hands out Bibles to each reporter]

Next, you tell each person you give a Bible to how you gave a Bible to someone else, preferably someone they know. Like how I told all the media people I gave Ray Rice a Bible for Christmas.

[Tells each reporter how he gave Ray Rice a Bible for Christmas]

But only tell them once, or you cross the line from Man of God to zealot. ZEALOTS SCARE REPORTERS! THEY WRITE BAD THINGS ABOUT YOU IF YOU ARE ONE!

Next item: INVEST IN “BEST DAD” SHIRTS! NO MAN WHO IS A MAN OF GOD CAN AFFORD NOT TO BE A GOOD DAD! YOU WILL BE SEEN AS A HYPOCRITE! YEAH, BABY, WOOOOOOOO!

Donte Stallworth: I don’t have any kids.

Ray Lewis: Then you find a man with kids, stab that man, then become father to his kids. BUT YOU BETTER BE A GOOD DAD TO THEM! THAT IS KEY! AND THEN YOU GET SHIRTED UP!

Donte Stallworth: I don’t know if -

Ray Lewis: SHUT UP! STILL LEADING YOU!

Finally, you must get a new car. This one is not working well for your image.

You don’t see Ray-Ray carrying around a knife, do you? HELL NO! THAT WOULD BE STUPID! SO RAY-RAY KEEPS IT WELL CONCEALED!

Okay, now you may speak, my child.

Donte Stallworth: Thanks, Ray. I…

Ray Lewis: [To reporters] YOU SAW HOW I LED THAT MAN?! I TEND TO MY FLOCK! WELCOME INTO MY FLOCK, DONTE STALLWORTH! MY FLOCK IS FULL OF KILLER SHEEP! I HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN LIVE DOWN THE HORRIBLE THING THAT YOU DID! RAY-RAY WILL TRY TO FORGIVE YOU! YEAH, BABY, WOOOOOOO!

Ray Lewis: “Tom’s not really hurt. It’s all a big set up.” [Rest of the world makes dismissive wanking motion] “I don’t know where those bodies came from. Honest.” [CBS films 30th puff piece this year about his religion, makes sure to mention how he got Ray Rice a Bible for Christmas] “The refs are gonna screw us. It’s a conspiracy.”

Tom Brady: “Cool with me.”

Programming note: We’re liveblogging the two Sunday games. You’re on your own for Saturday. Sorry. You’ll somehow have to make do with playoff football without an Internet chat running concurrently. Or you can just leave comments in the open thread. Your call.

Ray Lewis: A’yo God Moe D, this free agency noise is dragging the hell out! I should’a been signed by now! Ray-Ray gots to get cash-in-hand, baby! WOOOOOOOO! [Waits for camera to arrive to form prayer circle]

God: There are many lucrative contracts available to you, Ray. The Jets, in particular, were generous in their offer. But you pressed them for more money and they then signed Bart Scott.

Ray Lewis: But I tole everybody I’d let you decide for me. That way, if my production were to somehow slip post-contract, I can pin it on a vengeful, inscrutable higher power. YA FEEL ME!? WOOOOOOOOOO! [High kicks with pyrotechnics]

God: I already told you to resign with the Ravens.

Ray Lewis: [Plays 30 pounds overweight] But you ain’t told the Ravens to up their contract offer! Ray-Ray don’t take no hometown discount! Ray-Ray don’t send out hometown circulars in your Sunday paper! You pay full price! WHY YOU TRYING TO SELL GOD’S LINEBACKER SHORT, GOD’S GOD!?

God: Considering your age and market value, remaining with the Ravens would be the wisest career move.

Ray Lewis: But I wanna go to Dallas! Baltimore don’t wanna give me top dollar. Top dollar’s the only dollar worth getting! C’MON, TELL GOD’S LINEBACKER TO GO TO DALLAS! WOOOOOOOOOO! [Does chicken dance]

God: Dallas doesn’t have the cap room, Ray.

Ray Lewis: Then make them have the cap room!

God: [Makes Dallas release T.O.] There.

Ray Lewis: [Sends playful text message to Demarcus Ware] Yee-hah! Gonna get that star. Texas is perfect. On one hand, they love God. On the other, they love murder. On the freakish malformed third hand, they love being fat. THREE FOR THREE, BABY! WOOOOOOOO!

God: Dallas still doesn’t want to sign you.

Ray Lewis: But I can’t resign with Baltimore now. They already lowballed my demands of $80 million guaranteed, unlimited supply of McGangBangs, a limited but plentiful supply of actual gang bangs and permanent immunity on any stabbings within 30 miles of the city. And they gotta trade for Ocho Cinco. Troubled brother needs the counsel only I can provide.

God: That is steep.

Ray Lewis: ‘Course it steep. You pay for quality! Dancing and fake leadership don’t come cheap! The Brett Favre of linebackers is an invaluable asset!

God: You should go ahead and accept the Ravens current incentive-laden offer of $24 million over three years.

Ray Lewis: Oh. [Plea bargains for lesser sentence] You gonna do me like that too, God? Just how much I making for being your linebacker? I wanna renegotiate. Satan might be needing him a new linebacker. And you know he don’t like using the draft. Lance Briggs ain’t gonna last him forever. And don’t try to franchise my ass neither. I’ll mail it in every week.

God: We don’t have any financial arrangement. “God’s Linebacker” is a tag you’ve applied to yourself.

Ray Lewis: I BEEN WORKING FOR FREE!? AW HEEEEEIL NAH! YOU OWE ME RETROACTIVE PAYMENTS, GOD’S GOD! WHERE’S MY PARADE?! WOOOOOO! [Threatens NFL GM to sign Keon Lattimore]

God: [Kills self]

Ray Lewis: Uh-oh! Godless Universe’s Linebacker gonna need a new home! WOOOOOOOO! [Plays several more years past his prime]

Two of the NFL’s most demonstrative and demonstrably crazy linebackers renew their formerly twice-a-year rivalry as a pair of 2-3 teams look to get back to .500. Will there even be a football game or a protracted dance-off after each one jumps on a tackle after it’s already been made? Are the two as loud as they are overrated? Is that even remotely possible? Either way, WHO YA GOT?